Halloween, like every other holiday or celebration since March is going to look and feel, well, in Halloween terms, something like that of a “Ghost Town” around here tonight.
The Government and Health Officials in Ontario have “strongly recommended” that anyone living in a “hotspot” area (which I do) refrain from taking your little “Witches and Goblins” door-to-door Trick or Treating this year or give out candy as well (and just to add further salt to the wound, it’s finally on a Saturday night!!!).
Well even though my 3 little “Pumpkins” may be young adults now and well past the “battiness” of Trick or Treating, I can’t help but feel a “haunting” sense of sadness today mixed with a “monstrous” dose of nostalgia.
Have a sweet and sugar-coated Halloween today everyone, however it is you may be celebrating! 👻🍫
**Feel free to share some of your favourite Halloween memories and pics!
I feel like I’m in a constant battle with my mind lately and that every single part of my day to day life has become a fight. I find myself being triggered by even the slightest of things that I would otherwise be able to handle on my own.
Episodes of Depression and Anxiety don’t come with any kind of warning label attached to it and sometimes it just is. It’s also more than likely to vary depending on each individual’s circumstances and experiences but no matter what I just need to keep reminding myself on a daily basis that my illness is NOT MY FAULT!
Maybe if I shout it loud enough and keep repeating it over and over again then maybe, just maybe my inner voice will start to believe it too because right now I feel like I’m losing my battle. I know I never willingly brought my illness upon myself or asked for it either but still I blame myself anyways when in all reality Depression (or any Mental Illness for that matter) could give a rat’s ass who you are or where you’ve come from.
I want more than anything to feel joy and to celebrate my triumphs but after six and a half long and tiring years it’s so hard to believe the truths over the lies anymore when that voice in my head keeps getting louder and keeps reminding me that I will never be enough. I want more than anything to take away the pain and to not allow my illness to have total control over me because I know deep down that it’s NOT MY FAULT!
We all need to lean on each other now more than ever; I’m not okay and I know I’m not the only one. So if you are feeling like I am, repeat after me: IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT! How did that feel? Hoping it is helpful because it’s a well known fact that there is always strength in numbers!
If you or someone you know is in crisis please call: 1-833-456-4566
Back in mid July I submitted a piece of writing to a non profit organization called “The LifeWrite Project” which is situated in the States. They were looking for a collaborative compilation of stories to be published in an upcoming new book titled “The Corona Silver Linings Anthology” which will be released sometime in December.
After a very difficult few days I’ve been having it was a really nice way to end the week by receiving an email this afternoon that my story will be published as part of the collection as well as in a digital version.
They were looking for stories that give messages of hope and kindness, inspiration and strength and “silver linings” of light and positively we may have found during the darkness of the Pandemic to be compiled as a thought-capsule of this historic time in all of our lives.
My story I wrote was about my “Class of 2020” Graduation Lawn Signs Initiative which as most of you know by now honoured our 2020 Graduates and raised over $10,000 for Kids Help Phone as well.
The proceeds from this book will be donated to a variety of charities including “The First Responders Children’s Foundation”.
I feel like a teenage girl sometimes who is overcome with emotion and a genuine devotion to a Pop Sensation. To many, it may seem odd that I would be obsessing over a Teen Heartthrob the way I do, but there is some unexplainable connection I have to Justin Bieber.
Maybe it started off as a way to connect with my girls who began obsessing over him well before they were teenagers themselves or maybe it’s because of his Canadian roots and that he grew up just an hour and a half away from me in Stratford, Ontario and still comes home VERY regularly to visit with his dad, Step Mom and siblings or maybe it’s his adoration for the Toronto Maple Leafs, cheering them on and attending as many home games as he possibly could as though he was just some “regular” ten year old boy idolizing their favourite Hockey team, or maybe it’s his “bad boy” persona that I like lol.
Perhaps though, the more probable explanation would be because that once 16 year old “bad boy” who literally rose to stardom overnight is now a happily married 26 year old young man who has so bravely allowed the world to see a very relatable, imperfect and vulnerable side to his life’s journey. Over the past couple of years he has let the world know that he is only human and that he struggles with his mental health and loneliness just like millions of his adoring fans.
His new song titled “Lonely” is a perfect anthem for so many of his very impressionable young (and old) fans. The song is an emotional ballad that reflects on the obstacles he faced as he rose to stardom, especially his feelings of isolation and loneliness and how difficult it was for him to find the kind of emotional support he so desperately needed at the time which soon led to his “bad boy” persona and an eventual diagnosis of Depression.
We all feel lonely sometimes, even when you are famous and have millions of dollars in your bank account and just like the Biebs, we all crave genuine human connection and want so much to feel understood and cared for. So I just wanted to say a special thank you to you Justin for not only your music and talent but for sharing your voice with the world and most of all for letting us know that our feelings are valid no matter who we are.
And P.S. Next time you’re in town, call me, we’ll do lunch!
Things could always be worse. At least you have your health. You have so much to be grateful for.
These are just a few of the many phrases I’ve heard spoken to me, or about others over the course of my journey these last 6+ years but as a person living with a Major Depressive Disorder like I do, I find myself especially confused as to how much worse I’m actually supposed to feel?
Hearing someone tell you that things could always be worse is belittling their feelings and experiences, it’s shaming them and will leave them exploding with guilt. Hearing these words may also leave someone second guessing their illness and therefore living silently in fear of exposing it which may also lead them to the belief that they don’t matter.
Yes I am blessed that I am both capable and able to walk and talk and breathe and feel and see and smell and hear and taste all the beauty that surrounds me, but as a person who is battling a mental illness, being told that “at least you have your health” hurts very deeply because our Mental Health is just as critical to our well being as our physical health is and those words are also a very disheartening reminder to us all as to how much work is still left to be done to help end the stigma; Mental Health is Health.
But I think what hurts me the most sometimes is when someone who is suffering with depression or anxiety is questioned as to whether or not they feel gratitude. I practice gratitude in my daily life and I am very much aware of all the things for which I am most grateful for. The feelings and behavioural changes though that are associated with a depressed or anxious mind cannot simply be cured by practicing gratitude, but it can definitely help with the process.
It’s Thanksgiving weekend (in Canada) which is the time of year we set aside to celebrate being thankful and grateful for what we have in our lives and to recognize the genorosity and kindness that has been bestowed upon us since the previous year. Well this year, more than ever before, it may be very difficult to recognize or appreciate those silver linings (no explanation necessary).
I can honestly say that this has truly been the worst year ever for me since my journey began. The Pandemic and my illness have both played a huge role in that forgone conclusion but so have several other personal issues, many of which I have never disclosed to this public forum, but still I am so grateful for so much and wanted to share some of that here with you today.
I am grateful for:
Books
Nature walks and hiking
Bubble baths
My weekly therapy
Arts and Crafts
Television
Diet Coke and Ice Capps
Flowers
Things that make me laugh
Romantic comedies that make me cry
My creative soul
A warm and sunny day
My weighted blanket
Social Media
My Blog that allows me to share my story
Being given a voice
Kindness and empathy
My compassion
My imperfections
Forgiveness
Animals
Being born and raised in Canada
My undeniable support system
Strangers who have become my friends
My incredible friends who see me beyond my illness and stand by me no matter what
My large extended family of cousins, aunts and uncles whom I never get to see but who love me just the same
My big brother who I know will always protect me
My inlaws and my many beautiful nieces and nephews
My mother in law who is always there to cheer me on
Maggie, for appreciating a good cuddle and belly rub
My 3 beautiful children who have stolen my heart and taught me the true meaning of resilience and unconditional love
And to my Soulmate and best friend Rich, I am beyond grateful for your protection and for always seeing my inner beauty and who continues to make me feel desired and loved
Have you watched the Netflix Documentary “The Social Dilemma” yet? You should check it out if you haven’t already!
Do you ever unplug in order to recharge your body and mind? Do you think that you would be able to not check your phone for 24 hours, an entire weekend or how about a full week? How about Social Media?
We all know the many perks that technology has afforded us, but we also know its many harmful effects as well.
Research shows that the average “Apple” user checks their phone approximately 80 times per day and it has been proven to disrupt our sleep ✅✅✅, our focus ✅✅✅, our ability to engage in real time social interactions ✅✅✅, our motivation ✅✅✅ and our Mental Health ✅✅✅ as well.
Each one of those checkmarks tell a piece of my story. How many checks would you give to yourself?
Taking a selfie these days seems to be one of the biggest growing phenomenons since the creation of the Smartphone itself and statistics show that women between the ages of 16 and 25 are spending (on average) five hours per week taking them.
Although the average age for taking selfies may be women between 16 and 25 years old, they are certainly not alone. Selfies have become a form of self-expression and a great way to present one”self” to the world, no matter what your age or gender is.
We choose to take selfies most often for a feeling of instant gratification, to make personal connections with others, to boost our self-esteem, to gain positive feedback and to express one’s own creativity.
Over the last many years I have shied away from having my picture taken as much as humanly possible (I much prefer to be the photographer if you haven’t noticed!), so the thought of me taking a selfie is like next to nil!
But today is one of those very rare occasions where I decided to try and step outside my comfort zone (way out) and try for even just one moment to feel the “positive side of a selfie” and embrace what the world sees in me in order to show you my new sweatshirt I made.
The words I chose to use are a deep and meaningful reminder to me as I continue to try and fight this battle and it’s a true expression of hope to the many women everywhere who are also struggling on their own journey right now or who have fought their way through one; whether it be physical or mental.
I created this shirt in recognition of Mental Illness Awareness Week and I chose the colour pink in honour of October being Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
Let me first begin by reiterating to you just how much I love Reality TV (Read my Blog “I’m A Reality TV Junkie”; Aug 5, 2020). It’s one of the greatest escapes ever except lately I think I may have crossed the line between Reality TV and real life.
Each week my PVR is set without fail to record many (many) hours of the chaos and drama of someone else’s life as a way of trying to escape from my own daily chaos and drama. It’s become a welcomed distraction and has also become a perfect way to escape from my own burdensome thoughts and refocus my attention somewhere else.
However, for the last week or so I have found myself engrossed in a new Reality show of sorts, only this time it appears that while watching this show I am unable to distract myself from my own life and it has quickly turned into a very toxic and burdensome obsession.
In all honesty I have a very addictive personality and I am very prone to “Behaviour Based Addictions” which according to Wikipedia is when you “combine a behaviour with a mental state and the repeated routine is therefore associated with the mental state”.
This very toxic and burdensome obsession has now left me with even more sleepless nights than usual, anxious beyond words, crippled with fear, angry as f*ck and not to mention very behind on my nighttime viewing of the many (many) Reality TV shows I tape each week because I just can’t stop watching CNN or checking my Twitter feeds in order to find out what the President of the United States has said or done now.
My intentions for writing this is not to start any kind of a political debate or a war of words between friends but I just wanted to share my thoughts with you because it’s probably safe to say that I’m not alone in how I am feeling right now; shit I’m not even an American citizen, yet I’m feeling quite traumatized and very, very sad.
This is not a Reality Show that any one of us can truly watch these days in order to escape from their own real life and must be especially hard to watch for those who are living right inside the walls of this reality. I will say however that it certainly is oozing with more drama and chaos than even “The Khardashians” or any of “The Real Housewives” franchises but I am really looking forward for the season finale and “Tell All” (reality tv jargon!) to air already! My PVR will be set for sure!
Seriously, like what the f*ck? I figured I was well on my way, just minding my own business, no complaints and thinking “Wow, what’s all the hype about cause this thing called Peri-Menopause ain’t so bad”, but then BAM, outta nowhere my so called “friend” stopped by for a very unwelcomed visit.
OK, so maybe it wasn’t completely outta nowhere but it’s been 6 months already since her last visit and it was probably more like wishful thinking on my part that we had parted ways for good! But if I had to venture a more realistic guess as to why I haven’t seen nor heard from her in all these months, I figure she was just trying to keep to proper social distancing practices.
But uninvited or not, I could feel her coming from miles away days before her arrival this week. It’s a feeling you never forget, and for anyone who ever questioned whether PMS (Pre-Menstral Syndrome) is real or not, I’m here to share with you that it is.
PMS does not affect all women in the same way and for many women, they may only experience some minor discomfort each month. For me though, long before I was ever diagnosed with Depression, I suffered with an array of emotional (and physical) symptoms before my “friend” would pay me a visit which is why I knew she was on her way again.
The physical side of PMS really sucks, but for me who already deals with so much emotional upset in my day to day life having the added emotional unrest makes it that much more difficult and often scary for me to handle.
As I said at the start of my blog, I thought I was well on my way to an easy, almost flawless transition into Menopause even though I was still at least 6 months away from a true victory, but then again, I should have known better because although my hormones are ready, I knew I probably couldn’t escape that easily, that is, not without experiencing at least one hot flash along the way!
What comes to your mind when you think of a full moon? Do you picture werewolves and wild dogs howling at it? Do you imagine yourself as a character in a horror film frantically running away from a man wearing a scary mask in a dark and dismal looking forest and the only way to safety is by following the bright light reflecting off the full moon? Or maybe you think of all the times when your kids are acting super silly or a loved one seems extra moody and you wonder if there must be a full moon out tonight?
Do you think there is some truth that a full moon can really affect our mood? Is there some truth that the Lunar Effect has any correlation between its moon cycles and human behaviour? Or is it just a coincidence that the word “Lunacy” derives from the Latin word Luna which means moon.
The moon, much like human beings is always changing and growing and much like humans we can’t always see beyond its surface so we often miss out on the joy and depth of what’s going on when we’re too busy running from the masked man in the forest instead of trying to see beyond the surface.
Like so many others, I know that I am very guilty of this. My illness continuously stops me from seeing the beauty that is surrounding me and instead I find myself wrapped up in all its “lunacy” and triggered by a “fight or flight” response.
When the moon is full it should feel complete. So does that mean that I should be feeling complete today as the full moon gets set to illuminate the skies above us tonight? Should I feel more powerful and charged today as the full moon gets set to illuminate the skies above us tonight? Should I see more clearly today as the full moon gets set to illuminate the skies above us tonight? Should I be celebrating any growth I have encountered since the last full moon a month ago?
Could a full moon really cultivate all that? Can it allow you to come to fruition in your life and see growth and change as a power or is there more truth in the “fight or flight” response instead?
The past month as most of you know has been particularly difficult for me and it was just days before the last full moon that I found myself sitting in an emergency room barely holding on and now if I look at many similar patterns in my behaviour I have noticed that over the last few days I have felt more disruption in my sleep, worsening and extremely debilitating anxiety and even more emotionally spent then ever.
Is it a fact or is it purely a coincidence? Will you be howling at the moon tonight or will you be seeing its beauty beyond the surface?
YouAreEnough 
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