YouAreEnough

Yesterday took a lot out of me.

And I’m feeling it today in big ways.

By late afternoon yesterday, I was beyond mentally and physically exhausted. The kind of exhaustion that settles into your bones and makes you realize just how much your body and mind have been carrying.

Yesterday morning, I had an appointment with a specialist to have not one, but three root canals done on my front teeth.

For the first time ever, I decided to try laughing gas. I knew I needed something to take the edge off, and honestly, I’m very glad I did.

I also finally had the wire removed after two long months.

I thought seeing my teeth without it would make me feel better. Instead, all it did was cause further anxiety as to how much more work there is still left to be done.

In about a week or so, I’ll be back at the dentist for the next step after the root canals and to discuss everything that still needs to be done, including my other two teeth that didn’t make it at all.

I left the clinic frozen, swollen, and in an immense amount of pain.

I went home for a couple of hours, took some Advil, then headed back out for my second appointment of the day.

Thankfully, Rich was off yesterday to support me and chauffeur me around.

I definitely needed both.

My second appointment was with the cardiologist my GP had arranged for me. A few weeks ago, I had an echocardiogram, and yesterday we went over the results and tried to get to the bottom of why I fainted without warning.

For the most part, the echocardiogram was okay, which was reassuring. There was one concern that needs further investigation, so in a few weeks I’ll be back for a stress test and a Holter monitor. She also suggested some non-heart related scenarios that would be on a more neurological side of things.

And so it continues.

By the time I got home, I had very little left in me.

And underneath it all, there is still so much fear.

Uncertainty.

Frustration. Frustration of realizing that even though I’ve already been through so much, I’m nowhere near the end of this.

There are still so many appointments ahead. So many procedures. So many questions without answers.

I’m tired.

I’m scared.

I’m overwhelmed by how much there still is to deal with, and by the financial strain that comes with needing so much care, so many appointments, and so many procedures.

I wish I had some poetic or hopeful way to wrap this piece all up, but right now I’m just trying to get through the day.

But seeing as today is the first full day of fall, I’m going to leave you with a little highlight reel of some of the micro-moments of joy I managed to find my way through during what was, without a doubt, the shittiest summer of my life.

They may not have made the pain or uncertainty disappear.

But they mattered.

Because even during the shittiest seasons of our lives, there can still be little moments of joy tucked in between the hard ones.

#youareenough

Yom Kippur is over.

Tonight, family came together at our home, as we have for many years, to break the fast with a traditional dairy meal.

Except this year, I didn’t fast.

And I’ve had a lot of big feelings about it.

I’ve fasted on Yom Kippur for as long as I can remember, or at least since I was a young teenager. It became part of the rhythm of the day. Something I did because this was what we were supposed to do.

But this year, I made a different choice.

Two months ago, on the night of my accident, I was incredibly anxious and missing Maggie so much that the thought of eating dinner felt overwhelming. Hours later, that turned into a life-altering mistake I never want to repeat.

Since then, I’ve been diligent about eating every few hours, listening to my body, and making sure I give it what it needs.

So this year, I chose not to fast.

And the guilt came quickly.

Was I letting someone down? Letting myself down? Failing at something I’d always done?

Maybe those questions hit so hard because me and food have a long, complicated history.

My struggles with food began in my late teens, when an eating disorder entered my life. Since then, food has rarely been just food. There have been years of control, fear, guilt, rules, and learning that my body deserves to be cared for.

So perhaps this Yom Kippur wasn’t really about whether I could go without food.

Maybe it was about recognizing that I don’t need to.

Tonight, my family gathered around the table. The traditions were still there. And so was my mom’s scrumptious kugel, which Rich has perfected. The same kugel she made for this special meal throughout my childhood.

I couldn’t get enough of it.

Maybe taking care of the body I’ve been given can also be an act of faith.

Maybe honoring myself sometimes means doing something differently than how I’ve always done it.

And I am not letting anyone down by doing so.

Tonight, Yom Kippur ended around a table filled with family, tradition, love, and food.

And maybe, for me, that was exactly what I needed this year.

Not to prove that I could go without.

But to recognize that I am worth taking care of.

#breakthefast #yomkippur #fasting #family #kugel #grief #eatingdisorders

I wrote the piece below earlier this week for the synagogue bulletin where I work, and I wanted to share it with you. More than ever before, I’ve been struggling with self-forgiveness. In many ways, this piece came from that struggle and from trying to understand what it means to forgive ourselves while also wrestling with some very personal feelings that have been weighing on me.

Yom Kippur is a time for forgiveness, atonement, and reflection. We reflect not only on the wrongdoings we may have caused others, but also on the ways we may have wronged ourselves.

Yom Kippur asks us to look inward, to examine not only our actions, but our mental and emotional state as well. To be honest with ourselves about what we carry, what we regret, and what we may need to let go of.

Too often, the person we find we need to atone to or ask forgiveness from the most is staring right back at us in the mirror.

Forgiving others can be incredibly difficult. But learning to forgive ourselves may be even harder, and perhaps one of the most courageous things we can do.

I struggle with self-forgiveness every day. There are things I wish I had done differently, words I wish I could take back, and moments I continue to carry with me. But I am learning that self-forgiveness does not mean forgetting, excusing, or ignoring our mistakes. It means acknowledging them, learning from them, and allowing ourselves the grace to heal.

Maybe true strength is not in continuing to punish ourselves for the mistakes we have made, but in having the courage to put down the weight we have been carrying.

This Yom Kippur, may we look honestly into the mirror, not with judgment, but with compassion. May we forgive those we have hurt, those who have hurt us, and perhaps most importantly, ourselves.

May we find the strength to heal, the courage to let go, and the faith to begin again.

G’mar Chatima Tova

Wishing everyone celebrating, an easy and meaningful fast, and may we all be sealed for a year of health, peace, and blessing. May this sacred day be a time of reflection, prayer, renewal, and connection.

#gmarchatimatova #reflection #forgiveness #peace #yomkippur

I keep coming back to this quote lately.

Maybe because, now, two months after my accident, I’m realizing that surviving something and healing from it are two very different things.

Two months ago today. And it’s already felt like a lifetime.

My life changed in ways I never could have imagined. There is now a before, and, there is now an after, and I’m having a difficult time trying to figure out how to live in the “after.”

There is so much fear in me about next steps. There’s so much anxiety, shame, exhaustion, frustration, grief, anger, and uncertainty.

I’m dealing with trauma triggers every day. Recurring nightmares. Panic attacks. And my nervous system is in constant flare up, waiting for something terrible to happen again.

The simplest things have become victories. Every time I stand up from my couch, walk into another room, I think, yay, I did it! It may sound small to someone else, but to me, it isn’t anymore because somewhere between standing up and reaching that other room, the panic starts to creep in.

What if I faint? Or worse?

And suddenly something as ordinary as walking from one room to another becomes a battle between wanting to trust my body and being terrified that I can’t.

So yes, I celebrate the little things because right now, simply getting up and walking into another room when every part of me is screaming STOP, feels like a huge milestone.

And then there is the next chapter.

My first procedure is scheduled for next week.

I’m trying to be hopeful, but I’m scared (but also so excited to finally get the damn wire off my teeth which is beyond uncomfortable).

I’ve been told there are no guarantees by every specialist so far, and those words are difficult to sit with when you’re already living with so much uncertainty.

Knowing how my body responds to everything over the past many years, I keep asking myself, is it even capable of recovery?

What happens if it doesn’t go the way I need it to go? Then what does healing look like for me?

I’ve begun researching EMDR as it has been highly recommended to me. I know that healing can’t only be about what happens physically. My mental and emotional health also needs attention too. The parts that still feel like it’s living inside the accident. It’s really, really hard.

EMDR stands for “Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and is an interactive psychotherapy technique designed to help people recover from trauma, PTSD, and other distressing life experiences”.

There are days when I feel super stuck. Days when I’m so exhausted from being anxious. Days when I wonder how I’m supposed to keep doing this when I’m already so tired.

But as difficult as it is to acknowledge, I am reminded daily that I have survived.

And maybe that’s where this quote comes in.

“If you survived it, you deserve to heal from it”, and not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too in whatever way healing needs to happen.

But I won’t pretend I’m not scared.

So every time I make it to the other side of a moment, I’m going to take it as a victory.

And maybe that’s where healing needs to begin.

#trauma #mentalhealth #healing #youareenough

It’s hard to believe you’re 27! You’ve grown into such an amazing person, and we couldn’t be more proud of the woman you’ve become.

You are funny, smart, loving, kind, and have a heart of gold. You have the most beautiful spirit and somehow manage to bring laughter, love, and a little bit of chaos wherever you go!

And let’s not forget… you’re the middle child! Which means you’ve spent your whole life fighting for attention, keeping the peace, and making sure nobody forgets about you! Somehow, you’ve turned being stuck in the middle into an art form, and honestly, we wouldn’t have it any other way!

Keep shining your beautiful spirit, keep laughing, keep making memories, and most importantly, never ever stop being YOU!

We hope 27 brings you all the happiness, love, adventures, laughs, and unforgettable moments you deserve.

Happy Birthday, Hannah! We love you to the moon and back, forever and a day.

#hannahbanana #twentyseven #happybirthday

Here are a couple of snapshots of how the year 5787 began for me.

Night one with my family. Night two with Rich’s family. All the cousins gathered together which isn’t always an easy feat anymore as families grow, life gets busier and people move away. Both tables filled with love, laughter, tradition and a special feeling of belonging.

I’m so proud to be Jewish. Proud of our traditions, our history, our culture and the way we come together as family and community to celebrate, support and connect with one another.

Starting this new year surrounded by family and loved ones fills my heart with gratitude. And while I may not have a photo of it, I also spent my days at the shul I’m very fortunate to work at, surrounded by prayer and a beautiful community that has also welcomed me into their family too.

After such an incredibly difficult year, these moments of family, community, tradition and belonging feel even more meaningful.

#blessed #newyear #5787 #pride #gratitude #family #community

As I spoke about at her funeral, Rosh Hashanah holds some of my very best memories of my mom.

These holidays meant family coming together, grandparents travelling from Ottawa, Florida (depending on the time of year), and Montreal (once we moved to Toronto), along with friends who became family.

My mom loved to host. She cooked incredible meals (her brisket was amazing), filled our home with food and laughter, and if someone didn’t have a place to go for the holidays, she always made sure there was room at our table.

That’s what I will remember most.

She had a way of making people feel welcome, loved and like they belonged.

Rosh Hashanah will always hold a special place in my heart because of her.

This year, there will be another empty chair at the table.

But I’ll also feel her, in the memories, in the traditions, in the gathering of family and in the love around the table.

Another first.

May this New Year bring everyone celebrating, good health, happiness, peace and all that you are hoping for.

Wishing you and your loved ones a sweet and prosperous year.

Shana Tova

I continue to remind myself of this daily. “Be proud of how you’ve handled this season of your life. The silent battles you fought, the moments you had to humble yourself, and the times you wiped your own tears. You’re doing better than you think.” — Unknown

Today is “World Suicide Prevention Day”

Every year on September 10th we raise awareness around the globe that suicide can be prevented.

This year’s theme, “Changing the Narrative on Suicide,” is a call to action to “start a conversation.”

Every 40 seconds, a life is lost around the world to suicide and that is unacceptable.

Too many people still suffer in silence.

Shame and stigma around suicide still exist.

Suicide is still very much a social taboo.

Suicide can be a silent killer. What happens when there are no warning signs? What happens when someone is too afraid to speak their truth because of the stigma attached to it?

It is more important than ever before that we keep talking about suicide because the more we talk about suicide, the more we encourage others to as well. The more we talk about suicide, the less alone someone may feel. The more we talk about suicide, the more change we can make happen.

The more we talk about suicide, may help bring a glimmer of hope or relief to someone’s pain and desperation or even become the light in their darkness.

The more we talk about suicide the more lives we can save.

Collectively, these efforts are all key to suicide prevention, and yes, suicide can be prevented.

I struggle every. single. day of my life with thoughts of suicide (even when you see me smiling), but I refuse to allow anyone to ever make me feel ashamed for having a mental illness and I will keep doing all that I can to continue spreading awareness by sharing my story, educating those who are willing to listen, helping others understand how it feels to live with a mental illness; to feel broken, ashamed, hopeless or suicidal and I have made myself a promise that no one ever feel alone in their own struggle because no matter what, you are worthy and it’s okay to ask for help.

Opening up conversations about mental health and suicide saves lives; Every. Single. Day.


#worldsuicidepreventionday #988 #nationalsuicidepreventionawarenessmonth #youareenough #startaconversation #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #checkonyourlovedones #mentalhealth

Last night, Rachel and a couple of friends threw a St. Patty’s Day-themed goodbye party in our backyard for her BFF as she prepares to embark on an incredible new chapter; five years of medical school in Ireland.

There will be tears shed over the next many days. There will be hugs that last a little longer than usual. There will probably be moments when it all feels a little too real.

But underneath all of that is something even bigger. An incredible adventure ahead. A new country. A new culture. New experiences, challenges and discoveries. And the opportunity to work toward an amazing dream of becoming a doctor.

I think one of the hardest parts of watching the people we love grow up is realizing that sometimes their next chapter takes them far beyond the places we are used to having them.

But distance doesn’t erase friendship.

It doesn’t erase the countless memories, late-night shenanigans, celebrations, tears and adventures. It doesn’t erase six incredible weeks spent together in Israel in 2023. And it certainly doesn’t erase the comfort of knowing someone has been there through so many seasons of life.

The best friendships have a way of stretching. Adapting to time zones, busy schedules and thousands of kilometres between them. They may look a little different, but the bond remains.

And for Rachel, this goodbye comes with one pretty great silver lining. A very good excuse to visit Ireland (and Europe), which of course, she’s already hoping to do so for St. Patty’s Day next spring! 🍻

So while there may be a few tears, or, more likely, more than a few as this new chapter begins, I hope they are mixed with enormous pride, excitement and anticipation for everything that lies ahead.

Because this isn’t really goodbye.

It’s see you later.

It’s cheering each other on from different corners of the world and knowing that some friendships are strong enough to cross an ocean.

So cheers to new beginnings @taliakierstead, chasing dreams, and making memories in a new corner of the world.

Wishing you the luck of the Irish 🍀 Talia on this incredible adventure. Go make your mark. Embrace every moment. Soak it all in. Chase that dream with everything you’ve got.

And always remember that no matter how far you go, home, and your BFF will always be waiting for you!

#luckoftheirish #medicalschool #mentalhealth #bffs #friendship

Another day. Another appointment. Another specialist.

At least today’s appointment came with an actual step forward; root canals on three of my front teeth.

It’s the first of many more steps and several more specialists to come. I still have to continue wearing the wire on my teeth until my appointment in a few weeks, which really sucks, but finally, there is a starting point.

No guarantees. No promises. Just a starting point.

And honestly, I’m beyond overwhelmed today.

I’m carrying so much anxiety, fear and uncertainty, and today it all caught up with me. Leaving the specialist’s office, I made it to my car before completely breaking down in tears. The tears continued all the way to work… and beyond.

There are still so many uncertainties. So much trauma. So many fears about what comes next. And then there’s the financial reality of all of this.

Because fixing what happened isn’t going to be simple. It’s going to take time, many procedures, several specialists, and a whole lot of money. More than I even want to think about right now.

And then, as if on cue, Facebook reminded me of a memory from 15 years ago this week when I walked into a casino, put $20 into a 2-cent slot machine… and somehow walked out with a $10,000 jackpot.

Boy, could I use some of that luck, or a miracle right about now. This time, I could really use a windfall to help get my teeth back in the game!