YouAreEnough

On Wednesday, I posted about how frustrated, angry, sad, disappointed, and let down I was feeling that day.

I didn’t go into detail about what had happened or why I was feeling that way. Some things are just too much to unpack in the moment.

But I found myself once again at the mercy of a healthcare system and of other people’s timelines when all I want is to move forward in my own healing journey.

And that is one of the hardest parts.

Because when you’re the one living through something, you’re ready to take the next step. You’re ready for answers, decisions, appointments and a plan. You’re ready to move forward.

But healthcare doesn’t always work on our timeline.

Appointments have to be scheduled. Referrals have to be made. Decisions have to be discussed. Specialists have to be seen. Reports have to be sent. And while all of that is happening, you’re the one left waiting.

Meanwhile, you’re still the one waking up every morning in pain. You’re still the one struggling to look in the mirror. You’re still the one trying to process what happened and wondering how much longer you have to wait before you can actually begin moving forward.

That waiting can be incredibly difficult.

And so, once again, I found myself having to do what I have learned to do best: Advocate for myself.

Advocating for myself isn’t new to me. For years, I’ve had to find my voice and speak up about my mental health journey. I’ve learned that sometimes you have to ask questions, challenge things that don’t feel right, and make sure you don’t simply get lost in the system.

But this time, there’s a whole new layer.

I’m navigating the aftermath of my accident. I’m trying to move forward while still healing from what happened and trying to process everything that has already happened.

And honestly, I’m tired.

I’m in pain. I’m embarrassed. I’m scared of all the unknowns that are still ahead of me. Some days, I barely have the energy to get through the basics, never mind find the strength to push for myself.

But this week, I did.

I didn’t back down.

I wasn’t about to.

Not now.

Even when I didn’t have the emotional or physical wherewithal to do it, I found a way to stand my ground. Because I know that if I don’t advocate for myself, I risk getting lost in the system or being at the mercy of others. And right now, I simply can’t afford to let that happen.

I’m proud of myself for that.

Because advocating for yourself takes energy. And when you’re already exhausted, hurting, scared and overwhelmed, finding that extra energy can feel almost impossible.

But I found it.

I stood my ground. I made sure my voice was heard. I pushed for what I needed. And I reminded myself that while I may not be able to control the system or its timeline, I can control how I show up in it.

This healing journey has already taught me that I’m going to have to be patient.

But patience doesn’t mean being silent.

And waiting doesn’t mean giving up.

Sometimes, taking care of yourself means finding your voice even when it takes everything you have, and making sure you don’t get lost while waiting for the next step to finally be yours to take.

Shabbat Shalom.

I love ice cream. I especially enjoy it as a refreshing summertime treat.

Since my accident, it has become a staple food in my diet as I continue to only be able to eat soft foods and liquids. So when the opportunity arose to have an ice cream treat not once, but twice today, I was more than willing!

First stop: Dairy Queen at lunchtime, where some friends from work and I walked over to a nearby location. Today was Miracle Treat Day, where 100% of the proceeds from every Blizzard sold goes to support SickKids Hospital. I couldn’t pass up an opportunity to enjoy a Blizzard while supporting such an important cause.

Next up, after dinner, Rich and I, along with Rachel and Sadie, headed to a local Marble Slab. We were joined by several of our congregants from the synagogue where I work. Our amazing Rabbi had organized the evening as a way for people to come together, connect and spend some time with one another.

And what better way to do that than over ice cream on a warm summer evening?

Two ice cream stops in one day might sound like a small thing. And honestly, it is. But sometimes, it’s the small things that feel the biggest.

Today, ice cream wasn’t just something I could actually eat. It was a way to support a good cause, spend time with friends, connect with my synagogue community, laugh a little and simply enjoy a beautiful summer evening.

After the past few weeks, I’ll happily take all the little moments of sweetness I can get. 🍦❤️

Today has been a really frustrating day.

I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m disappointed, and I feel really let down. I needed to shed tears, and I reached a point where I simply couldn’t hold back my anger and disappointment either. And honestly, I know I have every right to feel this way.

But I’m just not ready to talk about it. What I do know is that what happened today has left me struggling tonight to find the good in today.

Since January 1st, I’ve made a commitment to myself to write down one good thing from every single day. Every day. Even on the hardest days. Even when life feels heavy. Even when I have to dig really, really deep to find something worth writing down.

Today, though, I’m really struggling.

But maybe that’s the point.

This commitment was never about pretending every day is good. It was never about forcing positivity onto days that are anything but positive. It was about reminding myself that even on the days that hurt, there is something worth holding onto.

So tonight, I’m digging deep.

Maybe today’s good thing isn’t a happy moment or something that went right.

Maybe it’s simply that I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling. I let myself be angry. I let myself be sad. Disappointed. Frustrated. And I’m still here, still trying, and still looking for that one little bit of good.

Some days, finding one good thing feels effortless.

Other days, it feels like work.

Today is one of those days.

And maybe the fact that I’m still searching counts as my one good thing.

Wouldn’t you agree?

Twelve years ago today, Robin Williams tragically took his own life. A day that is forever ingrained in my mind.

I’ve shared the story of that evening many times before, but I believe it’s an important one to keep telling.

I was just four months into my own mental health journey the night Robin died. Moments before I read the news of his passing on my phone, I had been sitting alone in my car, in a dark parking lot, my family and friends having no idea of my whereabouts (once again), contemplating my own suicide.

It wasn’t the first time during those four months that I had thought about suicide, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last time I would think about it or act upon those thoughts. But suddenly, for the first time, I began to truly understand the depths of my illness.

As the news of Robin’s death quickly spread, friends and family began texting and calling, worried about my safety and wellbeing. The easiest solution, in my mind, was to shut off my phone and silence the noise from the outside world.

By then, I was visibly shaken, alone, scared and suicidal. And my only thought, shortly after the initial shock, was:

“If someone of Robin Williams’ stature, who seemingly had it all, who always ‘looked’ happy, could take his own life, then what the heck am I waiting for?”

The truth is, we have no idea what someone else is truly thinking or feeling. We can’t see inside another person’s mind, and we can’t always tell the difference between what a healthy brain is telling us and what a depressed brain is convincing us to believe.

I often wonder what Robin would be doing today if he were still here.

Would he be performing a new stand-up show on stage to a sold-out crowd somewhere, making them laugh until they peed? Maybe he’d be working on another movie or lending his unmistakable voice to some new, outrageous character.

Maybe by now, he would have retired from show business altogether, choosing a quieter life with the people he loved, while lending his voice to a bigger purpose or cause.

I think about how many more lives he might have touched over these past twelve years if, in that dark and unshakable moment, he had been able to see through the clouds. If he had reached out to someone he loved and simply said, “I’m not okay.”

Trust me when I tell you, those are three of the hardest words to say out loud.

Robin didn’t reach out that night, and that dark, unshakable moment took him from the world.

A world that still needed him.

Robin’s passing is a reminder that kindness, laughter and a smile don’t always mean someone is okay inside. It’s also a reminder that we need to check in, reach out and stay connected, not just when someone tells us they’re struggling, but especially when they don’t.

Depression lies.

No amount of money, fame, success or laughter can simply silence those lies. Depression wants us to believe that tomorrow doesn’t need us. And some days, it is really, really hard to convince ourselves otherwise.

But one thing I know for certain is this:

Tomorrow still needed Robin Williams.

And tomorrow still needs you.

So please, check in. Ask the uncomfortable question. Pick up the phone. Sit beside someone. And if you’re the one struggling, please know that saying “I’m not okay” isn’t weakness. It’s an invitation to let someone help carry what feels impossible to carry alone.

If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, please call or text 9-8-8 in Canada/US.

Yesterday was a long day, but one filled with so many meaningful and joyful moments.

My day started at Shabbat morning services, something I’ve been doing quite regularly since my mom passed away in January. I hadn’t been in many weeks. Not since Maggie’s passing at the end of June or my accident a few weeks later, both of which happened on Saturday mornings this summer.

Even though it’s the same building I walk into every day for work, entering the sanctuary yesterday felt different. I was greeted by so many warm hugs, smiles and genuine expressions of happiness that I was back. I felt the emotion almost immediately, and it was hard to hold back the tears.

But they were good tears. The kind that come from feeling loved, cared for and reminded that you don’t have to carry everything alone.

No one there could still see what I had looked like on the outside just a couple of weeks ago (although some did have the pleasure), like I’d lost a boxing match. But these days, I’m incredibly self-conscious about my smile and the fact that I’m missing teeth. I know in my heart that nobody is judging me, but it’s something I’m learning to navigate in my own way.

Still, it felt good to be there. A safe space to pray, connect and simply be. I’m really glad I went.

After services and lunch, we headed home to change and get ready for the next part of the day, Niagara-on-the-Lake’s annual Peach Festival. 🍑

Traffic slowed us down A LOT, so by the time we arrived, we were quite rushed and couldn’t take it all in the way we’d hoped. But we did manage to bring home some pretty amazing, locally grown, and very juicy peaches. Sadly, they’re not exactly on my menu right now unless they make their way into a smoothie.

Then it was off to Niagara Falls for a quick bite before heading to Fallsview Casino for an evening of laughter and fun. For Father’s Day, the kids bought Rich tickets to see Nikki Glaser, and she did not disappoint. We laughed A LOT. Her opening act was great too.

By the time we made the hour-and-a-half drive home, I could feel the exhaustion catching up with me, physically, mentally and emotionally. And, of course, my mouth seemed to take the biggest hit. The pain felt extra intense.

I’m still healing, and sometimes I forget just how much my body has been through. I forget how quickly I can become tired, achy and emotionally drained.

Today, we had planned to go for a hike. The weather was perfect, but my body was telling me something different. So, I chose rest.

Sadie reaped the benefits by having a fun and exhausting playdate instead, and, in turn, I got a playdate, too. 🐶

And maybe that’s exactly what I needed, not another adventure, but a little time to simply slow down, breathe, laugh and let myself be cared for.

Healing doesn’t always look like moving forward.

Sometimes, healing looks like knowing when to stop.

Three weeks ago tonight, my unthinkable accident happened. It’s hard to believe that three weeks have already passed.

On a positive note, the swelling and bruising on my face have completely cleared up, and remarkably fast, too. For that, I’m incredibly grateful.

But now, as I wait for the next steps and answers about what will become of my teeth and gums, it’s my mental health that needs my undivided attention. Still several more weeks ahead of me with a very limited diet of soft foods and liquids until the wire holding everything together can safely be removed. I’m trying to decide what meal I want to eat first when this is behind me. I think it’s an easy one: a big plate of nachos with extra cheese 🧀.

So much is still up in the air, and I’m trying my best not to think about the “what’s to come” stage until I actually have to. For someone like me, who lives with severe anxiety and chronic depression, that is much easier said than done. My mind can very quickly take one unknown and turn it into a hundred different worst-case scenarios. I’m trying not to let the uncertainty get more power than it deserves right now. This strategy isn’t necessarily working, but I’m trying my best! I know, for my mental health that I just have to focus on what’s in front of me and let tomorrow wait until it arrives.

My mouth is still in a lot of pain. My bottom lip remains swollen due to the numerous abscesses along the inside of my lip. My three teeth that they saved (for now) are extremely sensitive to touch, which is also worrying me more than I can probably put into words. I’m scared that some of the teeth they were hoping to save may not be able to be saved after all. The wire itself is incredibly irritating, and the roof of my mouth is still very sore and irritated as well.

And then, because apparently my mouth needed one more thing to deal with… today I had to visit an urgent care clinic because a couple of the “dissolvable” stitches I received in Emerg three weeks ago decided they had no intention of dissolving.

I was told by the doctor that they should dissolve within about a week, and thankfully, most of them did. But over the past few days, I noticed the area where the remaining stitches were had started becoming increasingly irritated, with redness that looked to be spreading. Of course, I panicked.

After the doctor in urgent care examined me, a nurse came and removed the remaining stitches. The doctor said it was a good thing I came in. Now I just need to keep the area clean and watch it closely so that, like the rest of me, it can finally begin to heal.

Three weeks in. Still healing. Still waiting. Still trying to take it one day at a time.

And honestly, some days, that’s all I can do.

Wishing you all a peaceful and restorative Shabbat and weekend ahead.

Shabbat Shalom. ❤️

Always one of my favourite nights of the summer. 💙

I’ve been waiting all summer long for tonight, and I wasn’t going to let anything stop me from making it to the concert in the park.

There’s just something about ABBA’s music. It invites me to be fully present, to sing along, move to the music, and simply soak in the moment. For a little while, everything else fades into the background.

My emotions have been running high lately, understandably, and yes… a few tears were shed tonight. They were the kind of tears that remind you music has a way of reaching places words never can.

A stranger noticed my tears and took a moment to check in on me. We shared a brief conversation that reminded me of something we so easily forget, we never really know what someone else is carrying. A few words of kindness or encouragement can make more of a difference than we realize.

I’m grateful for the music, the warmth of the summer evening, the incredible vibes, and that unexpected reminder of the goodness that still exists in people.

Tonight was exactly what my soul needed. 🎶

#SummerConcert #ABBA #ConcertInThePark #FindingJoy #ChooseKindness #summernights #mammamia #dancingqueen #mentalhealth @abbarevisited

Some evenings feed you in ways that have nothing to do with the meal.

Last night, I met up with a very special group of ladies who have been part of my story since the day I was born. Together, they’ve watched me grow up, celebrated so many of life’s milestones with me, and helped shape some of the childhood memories I cherish most. They may be family friends by definition, but to me, they have always been family.

Truthfully, I almost postponed… again. I’d already had to cancel a couple of weeks ago after my accident, and with my mouth still healing, eating is anything but easy these days. But I didn’t want to wait until things were easier because, with a long road to recovery ahead, that could feel like forever.

If I’ve learned anything over this past year, it’s that tomorrow isn’t promised, and there will always be reasons to put things off. Life gets busy. We tell ourselves, “We’ll do it another time.”

But some people are worth making time for.

While I couldn’t enjoy my meal the way I’d hoped, I was nourished in other ways, through laughter, familiar faces, and the comfort of being with people who have known me through every chapter of my life.

Sometimes healing happens around a dinner table. Making space for the people who know our history, celebrate our joys, carry us through our struggles, and remind us who we are is always worth it.

I came home with a full heart, grateful for the kind of love that stands the test of time and for the people who remind us that, no matter how much life changes, some connections never do.

And right now, that’s exactly the kind of nourishment I needed.

This past Saturday was National Sunflower Day. 🌻 We already had plans that day, but with today being a holiday, we intentionally set aside the day for sunflowers.

Every summer, I find myself drawn to sunflower fields. There is something almost sacred about standing among endless rows of golden blooms, each one lifting its face toward the sun as if holding tightly to the promise of a brighter tomorrow. They stand unapologetically tall, imperfections and all. Maybe that’s why they’ve always been my favourite flower.

A few weeks ago, I came across a sunflower farm on social media, one we hadn’t been to before. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. Today, with the sunflowers finally in full bloom, we went. Twenty-six acres of breathtaking sunflowers, a peaceful 1.5 km walking trail, countless opportunities to pause for photos, a fun scavenger hunt, and beautiful mental health messages thoughtfully placed throughout the fields. At the end of the trail, we each got to pick our very own sunflower to take home. And best of all, every visit helps support the Canadian Mental Health Association. What could be more perfect? It didn’t even matter how muddy we got due to all the rain we had yesterday.

Today was the reminder I needed to slow down and appreciate the beauty that surrounds us. Like the sunflower that instinctively turns toward the sun, I was reminded to keep turning toward hope, gratitude, and faith, even when the path ahead feels uncertain.

Right now, my own path feels filled with uncertainty and so many unanswered questions about my recovery. I’m feeling more mentally and physically drained than I can remember. Taking time to step outside, soak up a little sunshine, breathe deeply, and immerse myself in nature was exactly what my heart needed. And as a little bonus, I found the most beautiful ring, sunflowers wrapped around my favourite affirmation: I am enough.

On our way home, we stopped at one of our favourite roadside burger joints. I got a milkshake. Milkshakes have quickly become my latest recovery obsession. It was the perfect ending to a very busy long weekend filled with simple moments of joy before another very busy week begins (at least it’s a short one!).

Nature truly is one of the greatest places to heal, recharge, and remember that even after the darkest days, we can still turn toward the light. 🌻

@kadylacksunflowers @cmha @champburger #sunflowers #iamenough #nationalsunflowerday #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety

Went to see the oral surgeon for a follow-up today to check the area where part of my tooth fell out earlier this week and to discuss next steps. However, next steps are still very uncertain and kind of in limbo right now, or for at least the next month until the wire across my teeth can be removed. The swelling and bruising is almost all gone on my face though, and my mouth is healing a little more each day, but for my mental health, it’s best I don’t look inside. I’m still in a great deal of pain and experiencing constant headaches. He prescribed a muscle relaxant to take before bed, with the hope that it will give my jaw some much-needed relief.

Within the next few weeks, I’ll need to see a dentist to assess my progress and determine when the wire can safely be removed. Until then, we simply won’t know if the remaining teeth will survive or what the final treatment plan will look like.

What we do know is that the two teeth that didn’t make it will need to be removed from the root, followed by implants. As for the other three teeth, they could require root canals, crowns, bridges, veneers…it’s anyone’s guess right now and I am extremely overwhelmed at this point in time. No decisions can be made until the wire comes off, and as I stated above, nor is the surgeon certain those remaining teeth will even make it.

So for now, it’s at least another month of soup, applesauce, popsicles, soft foods, protein drinks, and pain management.

I can’t thank you all enough for the continued check-ins, well wishes, prayers, and special deliveries. Your kindness has meant more than you’ll ever know.

I’m grateful for the long weekend ahead, a chance to focus on some much-needed self-care, spend time in nature, admire the sunflowers, catch up with friends, and celebrate love with a beautiful bride-to-be. I kicked off the weekend with a well-deserved haircut.

Wishing everyone a peaceful and restful weekend.

Shabbat Shalom. ❤️