Tag: it’s okay to not be okay

Living Inside My Suicidal Mind

***WARNING: Content may be triggering***

I know that Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

But what if your problems keep adding up and what if they no longer feel temporary?

But what if you can no longer shake off those unrelenting thoughts?

But what if you believe that suicide is your only option in order to feel any kind of relief or be at peace?

But what if you feel like your mere existence is hurting those around you, especially the ones who love you the most? 

But what if the pain in your heart is too intense and overwhelming to stand for one second more?

But what if you’ve made a plan and just want to figure out a way to execute it?

But what if you can’t close your eyes at night because you’re too afraid of what you might see?

But what if you’re anxiety is paralyzing you with fear and keeping you from living? From breathing? From loving? Or from finding hope?

But what if your depressed mind keeps telling you that you are helpless? Worthless? And have no purpose?

But what if all this sadness and despair are so completely unbearable and feels as if it will last forever?

If you or someone you know is in crisis please reach out to a trusting friend, therapist, counsellor, loved one or call Canada Suicide Prevention Hotline @ 1.833.456.4566/ Kids Help Phone @ 1.800.668.6868 Help is available 24/7/365

#itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #checkonyourlovedones #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #mentalhealthcheckin #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #mentalillness #dontsufferinsilence #yourmentalhealthmatters #youmatter #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #BellLetsTalk

An Ode To “National Do Nothing Day”

Today on “National Do Nothing Day” I did nothing BUT take a long walk.

Today on “National Do Nothing Day” I did nothing BUT listen to the quiet sounds of nature.

Today on “National Do Nothing Day” I did nothing BUT be in the moment.

Today on “National Do Nothing Day” I did nothing BUT feel the warmth of the winter sun on my face.

Today on “National Do Nothing Day” I did nothing BUT watch the snow slowly melt away.

Today on “National Do Nothing Day” I did nothing BUT feel grateful for the unusually warm January air.

Today on “National Do Nothing Day” I did nothing BUT sense the calm in the eye of the storm.

#winniethepooh #nationalnothingday #familymatters #naturewalk #eyeofthestorm #inthemoment

Paging Dr. Google

Living with a severe anxiety disorder like I do can literally make anyone do crazy shit. And if there is one thing I know for sure it’s that my anxiety makes me feel out of control and will often paralyze me with fear and worry when it comes to, well, just about everything.

Over the last few years I’ve been taught several helpful tools that I can turn to when I’m feeling anxious and I have found, through some trial and error, many of them to be quite useful at times. 

As I’ve also mentioned many, many times before, I rely heavily on CBD oil (Full Spectrum, with NO THC and preferably peppermint flavor!) to give me an almost immediate relief of certain physical symptoms like severe heart palpitations and nausea. But when the physical symptoms go beyond my everyday normal symptoms I’m lucky enough that my dear friend “Dr. Google” is always there to advise me.

“Dr. Google” is my “go to” Doctor when my own Doctor is unavailable for consultation, you know, like in the middle of the night when many of these symptoms seem to unexpectedly show up and you need a medical diagnosis, STAT. 

But I should probably also mention here how much I avoid calling my Doctor to begin with because I just can’t bring myself to pick up a phone to call her or I get worried that I’m just bothering her (yup that too is a symptom of my anxiety). 

I know that all probably sounds a bit crazy to some of you (I told you that anxiety can make you do crazy shit) and I also know that “Dr. Google” is probably NOT the most reliable resource when it comes to making a proper diagnosis (trust me I know) but I also know that I’m probably not alone. 

The internet makes it so easy these days to look up just about anything your heart desires but when you suffer with extreme anxiety and major depression, my advice to you would be to stay as far away from “Dr. Google” as you possibly can because before you know it your anxiety/panic attack at 2 am has somehow just been diagnosed as a rare and incurable disease. 

Just like the one I diagnosed myself with last evening after describing to a friend an extremely sharp pain I had been having on and off for the past couple of days in one particular area of my body, a pain I have never experienced before. She tried to reassure me it was probably nothing too serious and that I should call my Doctor in the morning but before she could finish her sentence (we were actually texting) I cut her off because “Dr. Google” was already telling me the complete opposite of what she was saying, and quite frankly, like come on now, who are you actually gonna believe? 

Well seeing as it’s now after 2 am as I write this and stare at my “Dr. Google” diagnosis you can probably figure that answer out all on your own! And trust me, “Dr. Google” is just as quick and informative when it comes to helping me self diagnose my kids ailments too!

Who else turns to Dr. Google for their regular check ups? 

#drgoogle #selfdiagnosis #anxiety #depression #symptomsofanxietyanddepression #mentalhealthishealth 

Show Someone They Matter

There truly is no better feeling in the world than knowing that you are worthy, that you are appreciated, that you are cherished and that you matter; right? 

But ever since my battle with depression and anxiety began I have found it so difficult to understand the worthiness I add to this world or why anyone would possibly appreciate or cherish me in any way, shape or form and I definitely cannot for the life of me comprehend how I possibly matter. I mean come on, let’s get real! 

Yet friends, loved ones, acquaintances and strangers alike continue to try and prove me wrong at every turn and there truly isn’t a better feeling in the world.

I’ve been feeling beyond defeated and broken the last while and just when you think this year can’t get any worse, POW, somehow it does but having such an incredibly supportive and caring community surrounding me who want nothing more than to make me feel like I am worthy, appreciated, cherished and that I do in fact matter truly inspires me when I’m feeling really alone during those tough, dark days.

A new study conducted by Dalhousie University shows that even though many have put on the “Pandemic Pounds” over the past year, our priorities have changed (with good reason) and what was once the number one New Year’s resolution to make dieting a first priority come January 1st has now taken a back seat in order to show others that they take precedence when ranking those resolution goals.

Random acts of kindness can go a very long way in proving to someone that they are worthy, that they feel appreciated, that they are cherished and that they matter to you and the best part is that showing someone you care about them, whether it’s in a really big way or a more simple smaller one, it doesn’t have to cost a penny to do so.

Thank you for always making me feel like I matter ❤

How have your goals/priorities changed this past year?

#actsofkindness #youareenough #youarenotalone #youmatter #newyearsgoals #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #blogger #dontsufferinsilence #mentalillness #checkonyourlovedones

Not Suicide. Not Today.

*May Be Triggering To Some*

CAMH (which is Canada’s leading hospital in Mental Health, Suicide Prevention and Research) has developed a new campaign that focuses on today by giving hope for a better tomorrow. 

I feel like I am knee deep in quicksand today and I find myself drawn in by this video. Hearing the words “Not Suicide. Not Today.” repeated over and over again may not seem like much to some people but for someone like myself who is struggling to breathe right now as the quicksand pushes me deeper below the surface and my thoughts of suicide keep urging me to end my life, listening to these words are serving as a gentle reminder that maybe it’s not actually my life I wish to end but just my life in this very moment instead. 

“Not Today” means not now and “when we all say ‘Not Today’ together, it’s easier to say it when we’re alone.”

I’ve attached the video below for anyone else who may need to hear these words today too 🤗❤

Thank you for always supporting my journey and reminding me “Not Today”.

#notsuicidenottoday #motivationmonday #wheredidmommyssmilego #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #checkonyourlovedones #endthestigmatogether #camh #mentalhealthishealth #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #suicideprevention #suicideawareness 

Loving Me Back

I’m not loving myself too much these days, but that of course is nothing new to most of you reading this. 

Every time I look in the mirror I don’t see that loving reflection, the one that should be staring back at me with wide open arms eagerly awaiting to embrace me like you see in this picture. 

But why should it when all my inner critic keeps telling me is that I’m not worthy enough to love myself, I’m not good enough to love myself and I’m not deserving enough to love myself.

My heart bursts with so much love for so many others, in fact, I find it quite easy to love others and that love runs very deep and very far but when I look in the mirror all I see is a silhouette of a woman who is no longer recognizable and who is no longer lovable. 

I know that the love I feel for others is mutually returned by so so many people and even though I can’t see my own self-worth, I am so incredibly blessed that you all still do. 

I also know that I don’t need to love myself in order to be loved, even if it’s a good idea to and would be most beneficial to my own health and wellness. 

But maybe if I could find the same love and acceptance for myself as I have for so many others it would give me the courage to walk away from those who don’t see my value or know my worth in order to help make room in my heart to confidently walk towards that mirror with my arms opened wide, deservedly and ready to embrace the crap out of that unrecognizable, unlovable silhouette on the other side.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, reach for help immediately: Suicide Prevention Services Hotline: 1-833-456-4566

I love you all❤

#embraceyourself #selflove #selfworth #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #advocate #youarenotalone #loveyourselffirst #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #suicideawareness https://youareenough712.wordpress.com 

IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT

*May Be Triggering To Some*

I feel like I’m in a constant battle with my mind lately and that every single part of my day to day life has become a fight. I find myself being triggered by even the slightest of things that I would otherwise be able to handle on my own.  

Episodes of Depression and Anxiety don’t come with any kind of warning label attached to it and sometimes it just is. It’s also more than likely to vary depending on each individual’s circumstances and experiences but no matter what I just need to keep reminding myself on a daily basis that my illness is NOT MY FAULT!

Maybe if I shout it loud enough and keep repeating it over and over again then maybe, just maybe my inner voice will start to believe it too because right now I feel like I’m losing my battle. I know I never willingly brought my illness upon myself or asked for it either but still I blame myself anyways when in all reality Depression (or any Mental Illness for that matter) could give a rat’s ass who you are or where you’ve come from.

I want more than anything to feel joy and to celebrate my triumphs but after six and a half long and tiring years it’s so hard to believe the truths over the lies anymore when that voice in my head keeps getting louder and keeps reminding me that I will never be enough. I want more than anything to take away the pain and to not allow my illness to have total control over me because I know deep down that it’s NOT MY FAULT! 

We all need to lean on each other now more than ever; I’m not okay and I know I’m not the only one. So if you are feeling like I am, repeat after me: IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT! How did that feel? Hoping it is helpful because it’s a well known fact that there is always strength in numbers!

If you or someone you know is in crisis please call: 1-833-456-4566

#itsnotyourfault #strengthinnumbers #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #mentalhealthcheckin #checkonyourlovedones