Tag: Guilt

“Too Much”

I’m feeling very emotionally defeated today. I believe in being a truth teller and truth be told, I’m not okay. 

Do you ever feel like it’s all just way too much? Do you ever feel like you are overwhelmed by too much choice, by too much conflict and  disagreements, by too much anxiety provoking situations, by too much noise in your head, by too much noise around you, by too much stimuli, by too much bad news or by too much that you can’t seem to control?

Yesterday was a pretty “normal” Saturday given that we are living in pretty abnormal times. I tried my darndest to escape my “too much” even though my day may not have started until after Noon, which truth be told, is not abnormal for me. Mornings are really tough for me because well, truth be told again, my nights are even tougher.

Once I finally did get moving, Rich came with me to do a few quick errands (which is about all I can handle these days) and then we met up with our friends for a very welcomed, yet crisp mid afternoon walk through a nearby forest (I think the #summerofrich may be officially closed for the season).

When we got back home I read a few pages from my new book and then sifted through an overwhelming amount of messages on Facebook and Instagram from women inquiring about some makeup and beauty products I’m currently selling. 

We then had dinner with the kids and ended the day by watching a silly Netflix original movie (it was just one week ago when we were still enjoying a Saturday night backyard visit with friends instead of watching silly Netflix original movies; and truth be told, it’s gonna be a long winter- insert sad emoji here). 

Although there were several moments throughout my day where I was feeling like life was just “too much”, I didn’t actually admit defeat until the house got quiet and the “too much” turned to anxiety, panic and lots of tears.

Life is a never-ending roller coaster, a perfectly crafted metaphor I’ve used many times before but when the loops, the twists and the sharp turns become “too much”, the ride itself is no longer enjoyable. 

I can’t remember the last time I slept more than 3 hours straight (I’m being quite generous here when I say 3 hours straight because it’s way closer to 2 hours) or when I just naturally drifted off to sleep without a sudden jolt of worry or racing thoughts in my head that quickly brings me right back to a state of wakefulness. The unceasing fatigue and insomnia just continues to add a whole other layer to declaring defeat when the roller coaster ride feels like it’s way “too much”.

It’s dark and rainy outside today, I’m still lying in bed and nothing feels too motivating right now to change that. Today feels all “too much”.

What do you do when you feel like life is “too much”? 

#toomuch #feelingdefeated #insomnia #mentalfatigue #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #depression #anxiety #suicideprevention #suicideawareness 

Depression After Dark

***May Be Triggering***

Sleep or maybe I should clarify by saying the lack there of it has been a continuous struggle for me throughout my journey.  Back in the day (that is before my illness) I didn’t require alot of sleep but somehow it never faltered my level of productivity. In fact, I was more than capable of managing my day to day activities on very minimal sleep but then again I also didn’t lie in wake for the better part of the night dealing with racing thoughts, agitation, rumination, severe anxiety and panic, feelings of hopelessness and suicidal ideations either. 

I know that sleep is very important to our health and wellbeing and when you are only getting a solid couple of hours a night it can take a definite toll on both our bodies and minds. I’ve tried using all kinds of sleep aids and treatments (some of which I have abused in the past and are now no longer options) that have been recommended to me over time but usually after a few days I find myself right back where I started. 

I have also been told many, MANY times that watching TV or the use of bright screens in bed (aka your cellphone) should all be turned off at night but here’s the thing, without either of those vices, I’d never sleep at all! 

My thoughts race plenty enough at night that being in complete darkness and bone chilling silence (except of course for the joyful sound of snoring; insert sarcasm here) would only make nighttime seem that much scarier to me. 

These distractions help to drown out some of the noise in my head because one of the biggest obstacles I (and for many others who struggle with depression and anxiety) encounter at night are the lack of daytime distractions.

During the day it’s often much easier to find ways to distract yourself with work, school, exercise, friends, kids or other activities in general but as soon as you settle down in bed at night you are left with well in my case; racing thoughts, agitation, rumination, severe anxiety and panic, feelings of hopelessness and suicidal ideations.

Last night I had one of the worst nights I’ve had in some time. My blog I wrote yesterday (It’s Not Your Fault) described how triggered I’ve become in my day to day life lately and it all just became too much. 

My mind kept drifting from memories of past traumas to the failures of just that present day and eventually led me to complete overwhelm of what tomorrow may bring and of course that’s when I began to pray that tomorrow wouldn’t come. 

It was a very long and very restless night that not even a Reality TV show could fix, I needed something just a tad bit stronger and I eventually relented and took some THC which I kinda prefer to save for special occasions just like this one.

#thc #cannabis #sleeplessnights #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #suicideprevention #selfcare #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #blogger #blogging #myjourney

IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT

*May Be Triggering To Some*

I feel like I’m in a constant battle with my mind lately and that every single part of my day to day life has become a fight. I find myself being triggered by even the slightest of things that I would otherwise be able to handle on my own.  

Episodes of Depression and Anxiety don’t come with any kind of warning label attached to it and sometimes it just is. It’s also more than likely to vary depending on each individual’s circumstances and experiences but no matter what I just need to keep reminding myself on a daily basis that my illness is NOT MY FAULT!

Maybe if I shout it loud enough and keep repeating it over and over again then maybe, just maybe my inner voice will start to believe it too because right now I feel like I’m losing my battle. I know I never willingly brought my illness upon myself or asked for it either but still I blame myself anyways when in all reality Depression (or any Mental Illness for that matter) could give a rat’s ass who you are or where you’ve come from.

I want more than anything to feel joy and to celebrate my triumphs but after six and a half long and tiring years it’s so hard to believe the truths over the lies anymore when that voice in my head keeps getting louder and keeps reminding me that I will never be enough. I want more than anything to take away the pain and to not allow my illness to have total control over me because I know deep down that it’s NOT MY FAULT! 

We all need to lean on each other now more than ever; I’m not okay and I know I’m not the only one. So if you are feeling like I am, repeat after me: IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT! How did that feel? Hoping it is helpful because it’s a well known fact that there is always strength in numbers!

If you or someone you know is in crisis please call: 1-833-456-4566

#itsnotyourfault #strengthinnumbers #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #mentalhealthcheckin #checkonyourlovedones

“Humanely Euthanized”??

Over the last several weeks there has been a growing concern in our neighborhood due to a coyote who was becoming more and more aggressive with its prey. They had to close the local parks this week because several humans and pets alike had been attacked and Rich began carrying a stick with him while walking Maggie in the evenings and early mornings after he and Rachel and Maggie were chased home right to our front doorstep by that same coyote one evening last week.

The wildlife service officers have been camped out all week on the perimeter of the park near us waiting for the coyote to make its next move. They told us that people have been leaving their food waste by the forest where the coyote roams freely enticing him to keep coming back for more.

They also told us the other day that by law they are only allowed to move the coyote 1 km away from its home and that would only mean he would just keep coming back.

Well tonight we were just informed that they have “humanely euthanized” the coyote as it was the only option for the safety of the community at large. I find myself both saddened and relieved with the news.

We have invaded his space by building a community around his home and I don’t believe he deserved such a cruel ending to his life as moving him to a safer place away from communities where he could be free to roam and hunt safely would have been a much more humane option.

#wildlife #changethelaws #stopfeedingthewildlife #saddenedandrelieved

I Am Grateful Today For:

Things could always be worse. At least you have your health. You have so much to be grateful for.

These are just a few of the many phrases I’ve heard spoken to me, or about others over the course of my journey these last 6+ years but as a person living with a Major Depressive Disorder like I do, I find myself especially confused as to how much worse I’m actually supposed to feel?

Hearing someone tell you that things could always be worse is belittling their feelings and experiences, it’s shaming them and will leave them exploding with guilt. Hearing these words may also leave someone second guessing their illness and therefore living silently in fear of exposing it which may also lead them to the belief that they don’t matter.

Yes I am blessed that I am both capable and able to walk and talk and breathe and feel and see and smell and hear and taste all the beauty that surrounds me, but as a person who is battling a mental illness, being told that “at least you have your health” hurts very deeply because our Mental Health is just as critical to our well being as our physical health is and those words are also a very disheartening reminder to us all as to how much work is still left to be done to help end the stigma; Mental Health is Health.

But I think what hurts me the most sometimes is when someone who is suffering with depression or anxiety is questioned as to whether or not they feel gratitude. I practice gratitude in my daily life and I am very much aware of all the things for which I am most grateful for. The feelings and behavioural changes though that are associated with a depressed or anxious mind cannot simply be cured by practicing gratitude, but it can definitely help with the process.

It’s Thanksgiving weekend (in Canada) which is the time of year we set aside to celebrate being thankful and grateful for what we have in our lives and to recognize the genorosity and kindness that has been bestowed upon us since the previous year. Well this year, more than ever before, it may be very difficult to recognize or appreciate those silver linings (no explanation necessary).

I can honestly say that this has truly been the worst year ever for me since my journey began. The Pandemic and my illness have both played a huge role in that forgone conclusion but so have several other personal issues, many of which I have never disclosed to this public forum, but still I am so grateful for so much and wanted to share some of that here with you today.

I am grateful for:

Books

Nature walks and hiking

Bubble baths

My weekly therapy

Arts and Crafts

Television 

Diet Coke and Ice Capps

Flowers

Things that make me laugh 

Romantic comedies that make me cry

My creative soul

A warm and sunny day

My weighted blanket 

Social Media

My Blog that allows me to share my story

Being given a voice

Kindness and empathy

My compassion

My imperfections 

Forgiveness 

Animals 

Being born and raised in Canada 

My undeniable support system

Strangers who have become my friends 

My incredible friends who see me beyond my illness and stand by me no matter what

My large extended family of cousins, aunts and uncles whom I never get to see but who love me just the same 

My big brother who I know will always protect me 

My inlaws and my many beautiful nieces and nephews

My mother in law who is always there to cheer me on

Maggie, for appreciating a good cuddle and belly rub

My 3 beautiful children who have stolen my heart and taught me the true meaning of resilience and unconditional love 

And to my Soulmate and best friend Rich, I am beyond grateful for your protection and for always seeing my inner beauty and who continues to make me feel desired and loved

What are you most grateful for today?

#happythanksgiving #grateful #gratitude #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youareenough #youarenotalone #endthestigmatogether #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealthishealth #mentalillnessawarenessweek 

Yom Kippur is about…

Today is considered to be the holiest and most important day of the year in the Jewish faith. It’s a day where many Jews fast and while doing so are encouraged to atone for any wrongdoings and ask others for forgiveness in order to repair the wrongdoings from the past year. 

But whether or not today you are observing this holiest of holidays or maybe it’s just another “Manic Monday” to you, take some time today to reflect not just on the wrongdoings you may have caused others but to reflect on the wrongdoings you have also done to yourself too because Yom Kippur is also about introspection and looking inside of your own mental and emotional state as well. Too often the person we find we need to atone to or ask forgiveness from the most is staring right at us in the mirror. 

#forgiveness #manicmonday #motivationalmonday #yomkippur #meaningfulfast #selfcare #mentalwellness #selflove #mentalhealth #introspection #reflection #atonement 

Burn Baby Burn

 

Over the past week my mind and my heart have been in a constant tug of war with one another and the amount of sadness, anger, guilt and fear I’m feeling right now is unbearable. 

Late last night when I couldn’t sleep (as usual) and my mind was spinning out of control (as usual) I began writing down many of my negative thoughts (on an actual piece of paper) in order to release some of the pain in my heart and maybe bring a little bit of clarity to my mind. 

As more and more thoughts were emerging onto the piece of paper I began to see a lot of my past and present relationships emerging too, many of whom may have caused me a great amount of negative energy at one time or another in my life.

It was at that moment, while in complete darkness that I saw this as an opportunity to try something I’ve needed to do for a very long time now but haven’t been able to find the courage to. 

It’s been told to me many times over the last several years by health care professionals that it can be a very therapeutic tool to try and a great way to release any old emotional wounds or help to heal some of the heaviness from certain relationships that have caused me pain or betrayal and may very well be holding me back.

I began writing very personal, handwritten letters to several of these relationships, both past and present in order to let go of some of the emotional wounds that are taking up too much space in my mind and negative energy in my heart right now.

I wrote it all down, including the hard stuff, the unanswered questions and the things that I could never say aloud. It felt cathartic but at the same time it was a very emotional exercise right up until the moment that I took a deep deep breath and waited to exhale as I tore each piece of paper up one by one and then watched them burn.

**Go ahead, try it for yourself **

#nationalsuicidepreventionawarenessmonth #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #itsoktonotbeok #masksoff #endthestigmatogether #checkonyourlovedones #youarenotalone #youareenough #courage #suicide #suicideprevention #letterwriting #handwritten #burnbabyburn 

You Are Not Alone

***Warning: May be quite triggering to some***

Yesterday I wrote an article that talked about September being National Self-Care Awareness Month but September is also National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month; a Campaign which focuses on bringing awareness about Mental Health promotion and suicide prevention.

This year’s theme “You Are Not Alone” is such an important message (especially now more than ever) for anyone who may be struggling with thoughts of suicide like I am right now or for those who may have lost a loved one to suicide to know that it’s okay to not be okay and that it’s okay to ask for help when you need it the most. 

It’s also a message letting someone know that if they are struggling with thoughts of suicide that there is always support available to them and that the more open we are to expressing our feelings to others, the less stigma there will be. 

As you know, I talk very openly and as honestly as I possibly can about my own very raw and personal struggles with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I focus a great deal on ensuring that anyone who is suffering with a mental illness or who knows someone that is will feel less alone in their suffering.  

This past week has been an extremely difficult one for me and my family as I have been struggling more than ever before with the thought of suicide but given the outpouring of supportive messages, phone calls and visits I’ve received since the days following my visit to emerg, I know that I am not alone and that no matter what happens, neither is my family. 

I also know from the many personal messages I receive each and every week from individuals who may have resonated with something I wrote or may be seeking support or guidance for themselves or their loved one who is struggling with their mental health that when I speak my truth, it is giving someone else permission to do the same. 

And that right there is the exact reason why I began sharing my journey with you all. Not for pity, not for attention and definitely not to be judged but pure and simple to let you know that you are never alone. 

***If you or someone you know is in crisis please call 1-833-456-4566***

#nationalsuicidepreventionawarenessmonth #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #startaconversation #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #masksoff #checkonyourlovedones #endthestigmatogether

Where Do I Belong?

***May be triggering to some***

I wanted to start by saying thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who reached out to me and my family last night (and today) and for all your heartfelt messages and good wishes.  

The other day I posted a blog titled “Home Alone” where I touched upon my current state of being and how much I had both welcomed and appreciated having the entire day and night all to myself on Wednesday. It was the first time in a long, long time that I felt any sense of ease but then sadly, by the next morning, I was right back to where I had been, only now it felt much worse. 

By the time I woke up Thursday morning I felt even more guilt, I felt even more sadness, I felt even more anxiety (can’t believe that’s even possible), I felt even more anger, I felt even more of a burden and both my mind and body felt like they could no longer co-exist because I no longer felt like I belonged anywhere and I just needed the pain to finally go away; this time forever.

I have said many times before that I suffer with suicidal thoughts and ideations pretty regularly (probably daily) and I have acted on these urges several times over the course of the last 6 years but by Friday afternoon the voices in my head had become so unbearable and more graphic than ever; and yes I had a plan. 

By midday Friday Rich was very concerned for my safety (and rightfully so) that he reached out to my therapist for support and guidance (unbeknownst to me). She then called me so that we could talk through it and strongly suggested that I go to emerg, which I eventually relented to.

I’m not gonna lie when I say that hospitals have become a very scary place for me due to many difficult and frightening experiences I’ve encountered over the last many years relating to my illness and last night was no different, except it kinda was (because everything in the world is different these days).

After speaking with the Emergency room doctor who promised me he would not put me on a form (a 72 hour hold) he had me wait in a quiet room alone until a member of the crisis team could come speak with me and assess my situation further (they are busier than ever these days). 

I spoke with her for quite a while and felt much calmer for doing so but by the end of our conversation she recommended that I be admitted to the inpatient ward (which was when my PTSD kicked in to full swing). She was also very honest with me as well. She let me know that because it was the weekend there would be no access to any kind of supports until Monday, except for what she described as a brief meeting with the “on call” weekend Psychiatrist within the first 12 hours of admission (I should know all this by now). It also meant me having no “privileges” to come and go off the floor, no phone (which is where I do most of my writing), and as she started to explain all of the added Covid related restrictions I felt a panic attack coming on and thought that being admitted was actually going to cause me more harm than good.

She was completely understanding to my hesitation and overwhelm and told me the decision was mine to make and that they would be there for me anytime I felt the need to come back. She was especially understanding to my hesitation and overwhelm when I voiced my concerns relating to medication which as I know firsthand is a huge part of most treatment plans in a psych ward. I have not been on medication in quite some time as most of you know by now as it was way more detrimental to my health both physically and mentally than it was good.  I’ve been on over 20 concoctions of medication over time which only caused me further issues (including suicide attempts) and so it is no longer an option for me.

I am home for now and trying my best to rest (I didn’t sleep last night) and I need to figure out where I go from here. I no longer know the difference between right from wrong and I no longer know where I even belong anymore. It’s a very scary feeling not knowing where you belong or what’s right from wrong but what I do know is that as broken as I feel right now, I also know that I have the most incredible support system to hold my hand every step of the way.

Thank you again for being part of my journey: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com 

***If you or someone you love is in crisis please talk to someone immediately. ***

#youareenough #thisisreallife #endthestigmatogether #youarenotalone #dontsufferinsilence #mentalillness #mentalhealth #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #suicideisnotselfish #sicknotweak #masksoff #mentalexhaustion #checkonyourlovedones 

Tied Up In Knots

*I just thought I’d preface this Blog by letting you know that it has been a particularly hard one to write.*

I’ve mentioned recently that I’ve needed a break lately because my mental health has been on a downward spiral. Since I began sharing my journey with you I have done so with the utmost honestly that which has always included open conversations about many of the most intimate and raw moments in my life. But there is still so much I don’t share with you or won’t share for that matter and lately it’s just been so difficult to share much at all (good or bad).

Right now I feel as though both my body and mind are tangled together in one gigantic ball of knots which feels like it’s getting harder and harder to undo each day. I do have moments where I manage to unravel some of the knots or at least loosen them up but before I can catch my breath again they just tighten back up, somedays even more than before.

If I can quote myself here for a brief moment from a Blog I wrote last week titled: Give Me A Break where I said “Everyone has varying degrees of stress that they deal with but when battling with daily symptoms of depression, anxiety and suicidal ideations at the same time can make it particularly difficult to manage.”; and sometimes when this is happening we feel the need to turn to a place of comfort to help us heal and unfortunately that can sometimes include old habits, which is exactly where I found myself at about a week ago.

I hate myself more than ever right now for writing this or for even thinking it out loud, but last week I bought my first pack of cigarettes in almost six months. This week I should be celebrating that I haven’t had a cigarette in six months but instead I am sitting here in shame (and with tears in my eyes) telling you a very different story.

To think that I had made it almost six months without lighting up a cigarette even though I’ve wanted to many, many, MANY times makes me just want to throw up. I feel like an even bigger failure, I mean who wouldn’t, right?

When I made the decision to quit smoking on January 14th while still recovering from a concussion that had occurred on the morning of January 2nd no one could have ever imagined what lay ahead. 2020 has pretty much sucked for most of the world but the Pandemic alone is not what led me to go buy that pack of cigarettes seeing as most of what is going on in my life presently began way before the Pandemic ever did.

Has the Pandemic amplified the urgency of certain issues, 1000 percent it has and smoking had always been there for me in the past to help calm me and although I have reaped the many benefits from the nicotine withdrawal itself, the actual habit of smoking a cigarette has always been on my mind.

Research shows that it can actually take an average smoker 30 attempts before they quit. The good news is that I’m not really enjoying smoking like I did in the past, nor am I smoking nearly what I used to so my plan this time around is to take it slowly and try a different approach, one which allows me to unravel one knot at a time before I even attempt to try and loosen up another one.

Please continue to follow my journey at:
https://youareenough712.wordpress.com

#youareenough #bekindtoyourself #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #suicideprevention #selfcare #allinknots #smoking #imsuchafailure #addiction #comfortzone #oldhabits #theguilt #feelinghelpless