Tag: conflict

“Too Much”

I’m feeling very emotionally defeated today. I believe in being a truth teller and truth be told, I’m not okay. 

Do you ever feel like it’s all just way too much? Do you ever feel like you are overwhelmed by too much choice, by too much conflict and  disagreements, by too much anxiety provoking situations, by too much noise in your head, by too much noise around you, by too much stimuli, by too much bad news or by too much that you can’t seem to control?

Yesterday was a pretty “normal” Saturday given that we are living in pretty abnormal times. I tried my darndest to escape my “too much” even though my day may not have started until after Noon, which truth be told, is not abnormal for me. Mornings are really tough for me because well, truth be told again, my nights are even tougher.

Once I finally did get moving, Rich came with me to do a few quick errands (which is about all I can handle these days) and then we met up with our friends for a very welcomed, yet crisp mid afternoon walk through a nearby forest (I think the #summerofrich may be officially closed for the season).

When we got back home I read a few pages from my new book and then sifted through an overwhelming amount of messages on Facebook and Instagram from women inquiring about some makeup and beauty products I’m currently selling. 

We then had dinner with the kids and ended the day by watching a silly Netflix original movie (it was just one week ago when we were still enjoying a Saturday night backyard visit with friends instead of watching silly Netflix original movies; and truth be told, it’s gonna be a long winter- insert sad emoji here). 

Although there were several moments throughout my day where I was feeling like life was just “too much”, I didn’t actually admit defeat until the house got quiet and the “too much” turned to anxiety, panic and lots of tears.

Life is a never-ending roller coaster, a perfectly crafted metaphor I’ve used many times before but when the loops, the twists and the sharp turns become “too much”, the ride itself is no longer enjoyable. 

I can’t remember the last time I slept more than 3 hours straight (I’m being quite generous here when I say 3 hours straight because it’s way closer to 2 hours) or when I just naturally drifted off to sleep without a sudden jolt of worry or racing thoughts in my head that quickly brings me right back to a state of wakefulness. The unceasing fatigue and insomnia just continues to add a whole other layer to declaring defeat when the roller coaster ride feels like it’s way “too much”.

It’s dark and rainy outside today, I’m still lying in bed and nothing feels too motivating right now to change that. Today feels all “too much”.

What do you do when you feel like life is “too much”? 

#toomuch #feelingdefeated #insomnia #mentalfatigue #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #depression #anxiety #suicideprevention #suicideawareness 

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

November is Domestic Violence Awareness Month in Canada. Statistics show that 1 in 3 Canadian women will experience domestic abuse from an intimate partner in their lifetime, but it does not stop there as it can affect people of all races, cultures, socioeconomic classes, religions, genders and sexual orientations.

Domestic violence is also a much broader epidemic than just that of physical abuse as it could likely include several other forms of abuse as well such as sexual, psychological and emotional. 

Since the start of the Pandemic, domestic violence has become a Pandemic within a Pandemic once the stay-at-home-orders came into effect and with a big surge in job loss, unemployment, economic instability, childcare instability, housing instability and travel restrictions it has made it more and more difficult for many victims who have been confined to their homes with their abusers to safely connect with the necessary services or outside help including reporting to authorities. 

Many victims are staying out of fear or because they feel trapped, both of which have been very likely scenerios even long before the Pandemic began. 

Although there are many signs that someone is being abused, they are not always as visible to outsiders, especially with so many of the current living circumstances for victims right now. 

It can also be very difficult to clearly see signs of abuse because most perpetrators learn the art of manipulation and control over their victim’s mind and emotions. 

Signs of Abuse:
-Bullying, threatening or controlling tactics 
-Controlling your money
-Cutting you off from your family and friends 
-Physical or sexual abuse

(Footnote: WebMD)

Keep an eye out for these signs if you think a loved one is a victim of domestic violence: 

-Excuses for injuries
-Personality changes, like low self-esteem in someone who was always confident
-Constantly checking in with their partner
-Never having money on hand
-Overly worried about pleasing their partner
-Skipping out on work, school, or social outings for no clear reason
-Wearing clothes that don’t fit the season, like long sleeves in summer to cover bruises 

(Footnote: WebMD)

Lastly, if your gut is telling you that a friend or loved one may be a victim of domestic violence say something! Listen, ask questions and offer to help in any way you can. And remember, never judge another person’s situation or a decision that someone else may make unless you have walked a mile in their shoes. Empower them instead to give them the courage they may need to become stronger and more confident. 


#domesticviolenceawarenessmonth #empower #signsofdomesticviolence #youareenough #youarenotalone #noshame #startaconversation #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #dontsufferinsilence #speakyourtruth #advocate #courageous

To My Dear American Friends and Family

How is it that I have never lost any sleep over Canadian politics yet for the last month I have literally been glued to the tv watching CNN (just ask my family) and refreshing my Twitter feeds (and tweeting the President of the United States) 24 hours a day, 7 days a week due to an out of control level of anxiety and sadness over an election I’m not even eligible to vote in! 


This election is no longer about whose policies or campaign promises are better anymore, its simply and sadly about a country so divided by fear and hatred. 


I hope today will be a “Great” day for my  American friends and family and that of the millions of ballots cast it will decidedly bring with it a shift in mindset and a spirit back to the America that the rest of the world once looked upon with fondness and “Great” envy.


Vote today (if you haven’t already) like your life depends on it because it does,  and frankly so does ours!! And also seeing as our borders are still closed for who knows how long it’s gonna make it so much harder for you to gain access to all the “Greatness” our glorious Country has to offer (I know we ain’t perfect but…)! 


Your vote matters!


*picture attached is from the Origami Owl jewellry Collection

#yourvotematters #staysafe #election2020 #makeamericagreatagain #forrealthistime #ohcanada #proudtobecanadian #canadaisntperfectbut #ineedagoodnightssleep #origamiowljewelry 

https://kimfluxgold.origamiowl.ca 

It’s Movember: Change The Conversation

Today we welcome in the month of November and the good news is that means there are only 60 more days left until this year from hell will finally be over! But today also marks the beginning of Movember which also means that for the next 30 days men from all around the world will be growing a moustache in honour of their fellow men everywhere.  

Movember, which originated in Australia is now a celebrated movement that raises awareness and funds for men’s health issues but more specifically; Prostate Cancer, Testicular Cancer, Depression and Suicide.

As we watch men’s moustaches grow we are paving the way towards critical and possibly life saving conversations to occur and reminding men of the importance of early cancer detection, making time for annual check-ups, getting more active and essentially decreasing the amount of preventable deaths. 

From a young age some boys are taught (whether it be culturally, generationally or socially) that a “real man” shouldn’t cry, that a “real man” can’t show fear, that being compassionate is somehow a character flaw and that acting anything less than a tough guy is a sign of weakness. 

These untruths only feed more and more into the many toxic masculine aggressions and can also lead many men towards feelings of “self-reliance and emotional repression”,  both of which can very likely produce an increase in mental health problems such as Depression and Suicide.  

A man with such toxic character traits may also make it much less likely that they will seek medical and/or psycholgical help for themselves and could therefore lead to a much shorter life span. 

When I came upon this picture the other day (see attached) of the soon to be “President of the United States!!!” and his son Hunter Biden, I saw a picture of courage and strength, I saw a picture of acceptance and understanding, I saw a picture of forgiveness and I saw an unconditional love between a father and his son. 

This picture went viral but sadly it did so for all the wrong reasons. Some individuals (to remain nameless) mocked and shamed this portrait as a toxic portrayal of how a “real man” should act and they are sending a very misguided and scary message to the world; especially to the most vulnerable and most impressionable young men among us. 

I wish they could see what I see when I look at this picture and I wish that they could see how having the gift of a strong male role model in a young boy’s life could set the bar higher towards a society where men are embraced for their vulnerability instead of their toughness.  We could sure use more men like that in the world right now.

Let’s “change the face of men’s health” (Movember’s motto) and squash the stereotypes by supporting and encouraging all men to see this picture through that same lens.

#changetheconversation #endingthestigma #movember #changethefaceofmenshealth #youareenough #noshame #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #joebidenforpresident #iwishicouldvote

Happy Covid-Halloween

Halloween, like every other holiday or celebration since March is going to look and feel, well, in Halloween terms, something like that of a “Ghost Town” around here tonight.

The Government and Health Officials in Ontario have “strongly recommended” that anyone living in a “hotspot” area (which I do) refrain from taking your little “Witches and Goblins” door-to-door Trick or Treating this year or give out candy as well (and just to add further salt to the wound, it’s finally on a Saturday night!!!).

Well even though my 3 little “Pumpkins” may be young adults now and well past the “battiness” of Trick or Treating, I can’t help but feel a “haunting” sense of sadness today mixed with a “monstrous” dose of nostalgia. 

Have a sweet and sugar-coated Halloween today everyone, however it is you may be celebrating! 👻🍫

**Feel free to share some of your favourite Halloween memories and pics!

#covidhalloween #makethebestofit #youcanstilleatcandy #halloween2020 #fullmoon  #totrickortreat #staysafe  #mentalhealthishealth #kidsjustwannahavefun #ourkidsmentalhealthmatters #simplertimes #memories #youareenough

Depression After Dark

***May Be Triggering***

Sleep or maybe I should clarify by saying the lack there of it has been a continuous struggle for me throughout my journey.  Back in the day (that is before my illness) I didn’t require alot of sleep but somehow it never faltered my level of productivity. In fact, I was more than capable of managing my day to day activities on very minimal sleep but then again I also didn’t lie in wake for the better part of the night dealing with racing thoughts, agitation, rumination, severe anxiety and panic, feelings of hopelessness and suicidal ideations either. 

I know that sleep is very important to our health and wellbeing and when you are only getting a solid couple of hours a night it can take a definite toll on both our bodies and minds. I’ve tried using all kinds of sleep aids and treatments (some of which I have abused in the past and are now no longer options) that have been recommended to me over time but usually after a few days I find myself right back where I started. 

I have also been told many, MANY times that watching TV or the use of bright screens in bed (aka your cellphone) should all be turned off at night but here’s the thing, without either of those vices, I’d never sleep at all! 

My thoughts race plenty enough at night that being in complete darkness and bone chilling silence (except of course for the joyful sound of snoring; insert sarcasm here) would only make nighttime seem that much scarier to me. 

These distractions help to drown out some of the noise in my head because one of the biggest obstacles I (and for many others who struggle with depression and anxiety) encounter at night are the lack of daytime distractions.

During the day it’s often much easier to find ways to distract yourself with work, school, exercise, friends, kids or other activities in general but as soon as you settle down in bed at night you are left with well in my case; racing thoughts, agitation, rumination, severe anxiety and panic, feelings of hopelessness and suicidal ideations.

Last night I had one of the worst nights I’ve had in some time. My blog I wrote yesterday (It’s Not Your Fault) described how triggered I’ve become in my day to day life lately and it all just became too much. 

My mind kept drifting from memories of past traumas to the failures of just that present day and eventually led me to complete overwhelm of what tomorrow may bring and of course that’s when I began to pray that tomorrow wouldn’t come. 

It was a very long and very restless night that not even a Reality TV show could fix, I needed something just a tad bit stronger and I eventually relented and took some THC which I kinda prefer to save for special occasions just like this one.

#thc #cannabis #sleeplessnights #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #suicideprevention #selfcare #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #blogger #blogging #myjourney

“Humanely Euthanized”??

Over the last several weeks there has been a growing concern in our neighborhood due to a coyote who was becoming more and more aggressive with its prey. They had to close the local parks this week because several humans and pets alike had been attacked and Rich began carrying a stick with him while walking Maggie in the evenings and early mornings after he and Rachel and Maggie were chased home right to our front doorstep by that same coyote one evening last week.

The wildlife service officers have been camped out all week on the perimeter of the park near us waiting for the coyote to make its next move. They told us that people have been leaving their food waste by the forest where the coyote roams freely enticing him to keep coming back for more.

They also told us the other day that by law they are only allowed to move the coyote 1 km away from its home and that would only mean he would just keep coming back.

Well tonight we were just informed that they have “humanely euthanized” the coyote as it was the only option for the safety of the community at large. I find myself both saddened and relieved with the news.

We have invaded his space by building a community around his home and I don’t believe he deserved such a cruel ending to his life as moving him to a safer place away from communities where he could be free to roam and hunt safely would have been a much more humane option.

#wildlife #changethelaws #stopfeedingthewildlife #saddenedandrelieved

Reality TV Show: The White House Unvensored

Let me first begin by reiterating to you just how much I love Reality TV (Read my Blog “I’m A Reality TV Junkie”; Aug 5, 2020). It’s one of the greatest escapes ever except lately I think I may have crossed the line between Reality TV and real life.  

Each week my PVR is set without fail to record many (many) hours of the chaos and drama of someone else’s life as a way of trying to escape from my own daily chaos and drama. It’s become a welcomed distraction and has also become a perfect way to escape from my own burdensome thoughts and refocus my attention somewhere else. 

However, for the last week or so I have found myself engrossed in a new Reality show of sorts, only this time it appears that while watching this show I am unable to distract myself from my own life and it has quickly turned into a very toxic and burdensome obsession.

In all honesty I have a very addictive personality and I am very prone to “Behaviour Based Addictions” which according to Wikipedia is when you “combine a behaviour with a mental state and the repeated routine is therefore associated with the mental state”.

This very toxic and burdensome obsession has now left me with even more sleepless nights than usual, anxious beyond words, crippled with fear, angry as f*ck and not to mention very behind on my nighttime viewing of the many (many) Reality TV shows I tape each week because I just can’t stop watching CNN or checking my Twitter feeds in order to find out what the President of the United States has said or done now. 

My intentions for writing this is not to start any kind of a political debate or a war of words between friends but I just wanted to share my thoughts with you because it’s probably safe to say that I’m not alone in how I am feeling right now; shit I’m not even an American citizen, yet I’m feeling quite traumatized and very, very sad. 

This is not a Reality Show that any one of us can truly watch these days in order to escape from their own real life and must be especially hard to watch for those who are living right inside the walls of this reality. I will say however that it certainly is oozing with more drama and chaos than even “The Khardashians” or any of “The Real Housewives” franchises but I am really looking forward for the season finale and “Tell All” (reality tv jargon!) to air already! My PVR will be set for sure!

#realitytv #behaviourbasedaddiction #thewhitehouse #donaldtrump #cnn #anxiety #mentalhealth #presidentoftheunitedstates #sleeplessnights #youareenough #youarenotalone 

Wishful Thinking- The Long And Winding Road To Menopause

***I wonder how many men will read this!***


Seriously, like what the f*ck? I figured I was well on my way, just minding my own business, no complaints and thinking “Wow, what’s all the hype about cause this thing called Peri-Menopause ain’t so bad”, but then BAM, outta nowhere my so called “friend” stopped by for a very unwelcomed visit.

OK, so maybe it wasn’t completely outta nowhere but it’s been 6 months already since her last visit and it was probably more like wishful thinking on my part that we had parted ways for good!  But if I had to venture a more realistic guess as to why I haven’t seen nor heard from her in all these months, I figure she was just trying to keep to proper social distancing practices. 

But uninvited or not, I could feel her coming from miles away days before her arrival this week. It’s a feeling you never forget, and for anyone who ever questioned whether PMS (Pre-Menstral Syndrome) is real or not, I’m here to share with you that it is.

PMS does not affect all women in the same way and for many women, they may only experience some minor discomfort each month. For me though, long before I was ever diagnosed with Depression, I suffered with an array of emotional (and physical) symptoms before my “friend” would pay me a visit which is why I knew she was on her way again.

The physical side of PMS really sucks, but for me who already deals with so much emotional upset in my day to day life having the added emotional unrest makes it that much more difficult and often scary for me to handle. 

As I said at the start of my blog, I thought I was well on my way to an easy, almost flawless transition into Menopause even though I was still at least 6 months away from a true victory, but then again, I should have known better because although my hormones are ready, I knew I probably couldn’t escape that easily, that is, not without experiencing at least one hot flash along the way!

Feel free to share your journey.

#pms #menopause #thechange #perimenopause #postmenopause #moodswings #depression #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough 

It Must Be A Full Moon

What comes to your mind when you think of a full moon? Do you picture werewolves and wild dogs howling at it? Do you imagine yourself as a character in a horror film frantically running away from a man wearing a scary mask in a dark and dismal looking forest and the only way to safety is by following the bright light reflecting off the full moon?  Or maybe you think of all the times when your kids are acting super silly or a loved one seems extra moody and you wonder if there must be a full moon out tonight?

Do you think there is some truth that a full moon can really affect our mood?  Is there some truth that the Lunar Effect has any correlation between its moon cycles and human behaviour? Or is it just a coincidence that the word “Lunacy” derives from the Latin word Luna which means moon. 

The moon, much like human beings is always changing and growing and much like humans we can’t always see beyond its surface so we often miss out on the joy and depth of what’s going on when we’re too busy running from the masked man in the forest instead of trying to see beyond the surface.

Like so many others, I know that I am very guilty of this. My illness continuously stops me from seeing the beauty that is surrounding me and instead I find myself wrapped up in all its “lunacy” and triggered by a “fight or flight” response.

When the moon is full it should feel complete. So does that mean that I should be feeling complete today as the full moon gets set to illuminate the skies above us tonight? Should I feel more powerful and charged today as the full moon gets set to illuminate the skies above us tonight? Should I see more clearly today as the full moon gets set to illuminate the skies above us tonight? Should I be celebrating any growth I have encountered since the last full moon a month ago? 

Could a full moon really cultivate all that? Can it allow you to come to fruition in your life and see growth and change as a power or is there more truth in the “fight or flight” response instead? 

The past month as most of you know has been particularly difficult for me and it was just days before the last full moon that I found myself sitting in an emergency room barely holding on and now if I look at many similar patterns in my behaviour I have noticed that over the last few days I have felt more disruption in my sleep, worsening and extremely debilitating anxiety and even more emotionally spent then ever.

Is it a fact or is it purely a coincidence? Will you be howling at the moon tonight or will you be seeing its beauty beyond the surface?

#fullmoon #lunacy #lunareffect #harvestmoon #power #growth #beauty #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #suicideawareness