Category: sadness

The Undesired Paths

**may be triggering to some**

The path we take in life is never just a straight line. We will take many wrong turns and many sharp ones as well, we will reach many obstacles standing in our way like fallen trees and broken branches, we will climb over many large rocks and stumble over tiny pebbles, we will cross over many rivers and murky waters and sometimes we may even find ourselves at a crossroads, completely lost as we happen upon many unchartered territories along the way.

For the last 6+ years I have been on many of these undesired paths (and not just on our “Summer of Rich” hikes) and for much of this time I have felt like I am at a crossroads, completely lost which has manifested itself into a world of self-doubt, anxiety, fear, hopelessness and lots of uncertainty but over the last few weeks these emotions have felt different. A lot different. They have felt deeper, they have felt stronger and they have felt scarier than ever before as I stand alone at this crossroads, completely lost between life and death and uncertain as to which direction to choose.

I feel tired, I feel untrustworthy of my own judgment and I feel as though I am just going through the motions of everyday life.

How do you deal with the overwhelm and hesitation when you find yourself at a crossroads? How do you figure out your desired outcome? How do you ultimately know what you want? How do you make your goals more apparent and visible?  How do you manifest your desired reality? What happens if you make the wrong choice?

#atacrossroads #thepathswetake #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #manifestation #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #depression #anxiety #nationalsuicidepreventionawarenessmonth 

Burn Baby Burn

 

Over the past week my mind and my heart have been in a constant tug of war with one another and the amount of sadness, anger, guilt and fear I’m feeling right now is unbearable. 

Late last night when I couldn’t sleep (as usual) and my mind was spinning out of control (as usual) I began writing down many of my negative thoughts (on an actual piece of paper) in order to release some of the pain in my heart and maybe bring a little bit of clarity to my mind. 

As more and more thoughts were emerging onto the piece of paper I began to see a lot of my past and present relationships emerging too, many of whom may have caused me a great amount of negative energy at one time or another in my life.

It was at that moment, while in complete darkness that I saw this as an opportunity to try something I’ve needed to do for a very long time now but haven’t been able to find the courage to. 

It’s been told to me many times over the last several years by health care professionals that it can be a very therapeutic tool to try and a great way to release any old emotional wounds or help to heal some of the heaviness from certain relationships that have caused me pain or betrayal and may very well be holding me back.

I began writing very personal, handwritten letters to several of these relationships, both past and present in order to let go of some of the emotional wounds that are taking up too much space in my mind and negative energy in my heart right now.

I wrote it all down, including the hard stuff, the unanswered questions and the things that I could never say aloud. It felt cathartic but at the same time it was a very emotional exercise right up until the moment that I took a deep deep breath and waited to exhale as I tore each piece of paper up one by one and then watched them burn.

**Go ahead, try it for yourself **

#nationalsuicidepreventionawarenessmonth #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #itsoktonotbeok #masksoff #endthestigmatogether #checkonyourlovedones #youarenotalone #youareenough #courage #suicide #suicideprevention #letterwriting #handwritten #burnbabyburn 

You Are Not Alone

***Warning: May be quite triggering to some***

Yesterday I wrote an article that talked about September being National Self-Care Awareness Month but September is also National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month; a Campaign which focuses on bringing awareness about Mental Health promotion and suicide prevention.

This year’s theme “You Are Not Alone” is such an important message (especially now more than ever) for anyone who may be struggling with thoughts of suicide like I am right now or for those who may have lost a loved one to suicide to know that it’s okay to not be okay and that it’s okay to ask for help when you need it the most. 

It’s also a message letting someone know that if they are struggling with thoughts of suicide that there is always support available to them and that the more open we are to expressing our feelings to others, the less stigma there will be. 

As you know, I talk very openly and as honestly as I possibly can about my own very raw and personal struggles with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I focus a great deal on ensuring that anyone who is suffering with a mental illness or who knows someone that is will feel less alone in their suffering.  

This past week has been an extremely difficult one for me and my family as I have been struggling more than ever before with the thought of suicide but given the outpouring of supportive messages, phone calls and visits I’ve received since the days following my visit to emerg, I know that I am not alone and that no matter what happens, neither is my family. 

I also know from the many personal messages I receive each and every week from individuals who may have resonated with something I wrote or may be seeking support or guidance for themselves or their loved one who is struggling with their mental health that when I speak my truth, it is giving someone else permission to do the same. 

And that right there is the exact reason why I began sharing my journey with you all. Not for pity, not for attention and definitely not to be judged but pure and simple to let you know that you are never alone. 

***If you or someone you know is in crisis please call 1-833-456-4566***

#nationalsuicidepreventionawarenessmonth #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #startaconversation #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #masksoff #checkonyourlovedones #endthestigmatogether

Paint The Town

Today Rachel will embark on a new chapter in her life as she begins her first day of University; working towards her lifelong goal of becoming an Interior Designer (in LA!).

Today you leave behind a once in a lifetime cancelled Graduation trip, a brand new Prom dress with the tags still on, a High School Graduation Ceremony that is still TBA and a summer like no other. 

And although today as you begin this new chapter in your life very differently from how it’s meant to be, it will still be filled with new beginnings and endless possibilities.

Today is your day to start anew and wipe the slate clean. Today is your day to focus on the journey forward. Today is your day and I know that you are going to paint the town with every colour of the rainbow.

#todayisyourday #mondaymotivation #paintthetown #ryersonuniversity #interiordesign2024 #futureinteriordesigner #focusonthejourney #onlinelearning #zoom #followyourdreams #youvegotthis  #youareenough #youarenotalone

Home Alone


I don’t remember the last time I was home alone for more than maybe an hour since mid February which is well before Covid-19 hit; and sadly there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight right now. 

Over the last month both my depression and anxiety symptoms have made me feel even more overwhelmed and vulnerable than ever and my thoughts of suicide have become more and more vivid as well which has left me urgently begging for a break from all of the day to day chaos that has been erupting behind the scenes at home.

So first thing this morning Rich and the girls headed up north to spend the day with friends at their cottage (Jacob worked all day and then went to his baseball game), leaving me home ALONE for the whole day and night! And even though I had 2 appointments previously scheduled for this afternoon (one being the always enjoyable Mammogram) that I needed to go to I was still able to spend most of my day just being mindful. 

I went for a long walk in the morning, I ate whatever I wanted (Fyi: Mac & Cheese for supper is still one of the best comfort foods around), I read, I did some writing, I went to both of my appointments and I enjoyed some much needed & very peaceful “me time”.

For the last 6 years I have felt as though I have failed as both a parent and a partner. I have spent all these years feeling like a burden to my family and I am consumed by guilt day in and day out. I blame myself for every bad thing that happens to the people I love and cherish the most and no matter how hard I try I feel completely worthless almost all of the time. 

Me wanting and needing to have just one day to de-stress a bit and spend a day by myself so that I could try to loosen the noose around my neck (it’s a figure of speech!) seems selfish to some and probably makes me look like a bad mom and wife to others but I keep trying to remind myself how important self-care is (remember you should always put the oxygen mask on yourself first on an airplane) and even if one day won’t make everything better, it’s certainly a great place to start. And I’m pretty sure from the sounds of it that today was a pretty great day for some much needed rest and rejuvenation up north as well.

I’m going to go now and enjoy my last few hours of alone time while I get ready to watch “Big Brother” and “Married At First Sight” which are my Wednesday night favourites.

Do you ever feel like you have failed as a parent or as a partner? Does it consume you with guilt? Shame? 

#selfcare #ichooseme #youarenotalone #bekindtoyourself #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough #selfcareisnotselfish #endthestigmatogether #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #depression #anxiety #masksoff #suicideprevention #ilovemyfamilytothemoonandback

Dear Teachers, Educators, Parents and Children:

***Grab a tissue before you watch*** 

Listen closely to the real “experts” tell us how they are feeling right now as they prepare to head back to the classroom (either virtually or in person).  Listen closely to the real “experts” talk about their fears of the unknown ahead and their growing uncertainty of the future. And listen very closely as they send a genuine, sincere and incredibly powerful message to our teachers about how important they are to them and just how much of an impact our educators can make on a child’s health and wellbeing. 

These “experts” of all ages, races and ethnicities are speaking with truth and honesty from their heart on behalf of youth everywhere to let teachers know how truly missed and respected they are and how much their guidance and support keeps them feeling hopeful both in the classroom and beyond. Thank you to our teachers for giving our children a safe and inclusive place to turn.

Don’t forget to grab your tissue first; you’ve been warned!

#schoolmentalhealthontario #ouryouthmatter #strongertogether #kindness #goteachers #staysafe #youvegotthis #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #advocate #endthestigmatogether #youarenotalone #kindnessmatters 

In That Moment

**Warning: May be triggering to some**

It’s been well over a week since I’ve sat down to write anything. Many times when you see a post or blog of mine on my news feeds there is a good chance it had been written well in advance of that day. The truth is I’m having a real hard time expressing myself lately and I’ve just been trying to hold it together.  

My thoughts have become very clouded by a darkness of emotional unrest that is completely overpowering me. I feel like I’m standing on the ledge of the tallest skyscraper in the world; I’m alone and scared as I listen to the sounds of the oncoming traffic down below. I have butterflies in my stomach, desperation in my eyes, my heart is beating super fast, I feel nauseous and dizzy and then suddenly I awake in a panic. 

I’m relieved for a moment as I try to get my barings and then a feeling of sadness and despair quickly overcomes me. 

When you feel like you are barely holding on for dear life like I do right now and trying desperately not to lose your grip while standing on that ledge can make for some very burdensome days and some even more exhausting and insufferable nights.

I ask myself in that moment of relief how can I find the strength to keep going when my motivation to do so is fading fast? I ask myself in that same moment how can I find the strength to keep fighting when I’m in so much pain and feel so hopeless? I ask myself in that moment how can I find the strength to keep moving forward when my heart is aching so much? And I ask myself in that moment where can I find my inner strength?

What helps you find your inner strength?

**if you or someone you know is in emotional crisis or suicidal please call: 1-833-456-4566**

#innerstrength #findingstrength #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #selfcare #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #suicideprevention #checkonyourlovedones #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence #speakyourtruth #courage #inthatmoment #endthestigmatogether

What You Don’t See

July was definitely a hot one (the hottest one on record actually) and having to take the heat and humidity into account many days in July along with so many Covid related closures and restrictions has made our #summerofrich adventures a lot more of a challenge this year. 

I’ve had to scratch a lot of places off our #summerofrich itinerary but with the arrival of August I can see more and more closures and restrictions starting to lift including many of our beautiful Conservation Parks that have Waterfalls. 

Which was exactly why we headed to Smokey Hollow Waterfall today so we could capture the beauty of this hidden gem that included many adventurous hiking trails. As you scroll through the pictures you can see joy, you can see beauty and you can see calm but hidden on the other side of the camera today was a very emotional, tearful woman. 

What I didn’t capture was the overwhelm I was feeling inside today, the feeling of hopelessness and the thoughts of suicide. What you don’t see captured in these pictures was the breakdown that came next (my family did though and I’m pretty sure so did several hikers too!). 

What people don’t often see captured in pictures is just how real Depression and Anxiety are.

#summerofrichcoronaedition #summerofrich2020 #waterfalls #hiking #naturalwonders #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #itsoktonotbeok #checkontourlovedones #youarenotalone #youareenough 

School: To Be Or Not To Be?

You’ve probably heard the saying before “You can’t please all the people all the time.” It’s nearly impossible for anyone to be able to please everyone at the same time because we are all unique individuals with our own unique set of expectations, experiences and perceptions and that’s perfectly okay. 

This fall will be the first time in almost 20 years that I won’t have a child in my home entering a new school year in the Pre to K, Primary or Secondary School system. Both of my daughters fate were determined for them several months ago as the Post Secondary Educational systems all made the decision early on to begin the upcoming school year mostly online, but right now many other anxious Parents, Teachers, Administrators, Support Staff and children are eagerly awaiting their own fate as to whether or not schools will reopen, will continue online or will do a combination of both.

As a parent I am quite torn with the decision that was predetermined for my girls months ago and especially for my youngest daughter who has already lost so much in her graduating year from High School to now not be able to experience the excitement and comradary that comes along with this next milestone in her life. 

Sadly there is no right or wrong, risk-free decision as to whether or not or even how our kids can safely return to the classroom this fall or if they should continue their studies online, nor am I here to debate it either way but I know that when the decision is finally announced there will be plenty of Parents, Teachers, Administrators, Support Staff and children cheering in support of the decision and many more yelling with rage.

Whatever decision is made (there will be no clear winner or loser), just remember that everyone has a right to their own opinion and even if that opinion differs from yours that no one has the right to judge you for that. We’re all in this together but as I said before we will never be able to please everyone all of the time.

Therefore it is more important than ever, no matter what the outcome is, that we focus our attention on keeping our children (and family’s) mental health and wellness in check above all else right now which may very likely look a whole lot different for each of us as our expectations, our experiences and our perceptions are all unique to us, and guess what; that’s perfectly okay.

#cantpleaseeveryone #ouryouthmatter #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #mentalillness #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #bekind #kindnessmatters #schoolkids #distancelearning #backtoschool #wearamask

Who Needs A Hug Today?

I know the one thing that many of us are really missing and craving most in our lives right now is the gentle touch of a hug from friends and family. 

For many individuals it has been well over 4 months since they have been able to feel the warmth of a hug or any other kind of positive physical touch for that matter which is definitely starting to have a very negative impact on many people’s mental health.

Even though more and more communities are starting to reopen slowly (in Ontario and much of Canada that is) and more and more things are starting to return to “normal” (but what is normal anymore?), the one thing that still remains the same is that we need to continue to be vigilant when it comes to physical distancing because if we let our guard down too much or too soon there could be even further and other detrimental consequences to our actions. 

It is unnatural for most human beings to live without any kind of physical touch at all. Positive physical touch is soothing, it’s calming and scientifically speaking, it is of the utmost importance to our wellbeing. 

Whether it’s just as simple as a tap on the shoulder, a pat on the back, a high five, a squeeze of the hand, a stroke of the arm, a kiss on the cheek or a warm embrace, the power that physical touch has on both our bodies and minds can easily let someone know that no matter what, it’s all going to be okay and who amongst us doesn’t need to feel that extra sense of safety and security right about now?

But in the meantime as we continue to wait out the storm lets all celebrate International Self-Care Day today by taking care of you first. Try giving some of that extra love you are missing or craving so much to yourself instead with a great big ole bear hug and remember to hold on as long and as tightly as you need.

#thepoweroftouch #whoneedsahug #physicaltouch #positivephysicaltouch #physicaldistancing #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #blogger #youarenotalone #therapeutic #pettherapy #mindfulness #internationalselfcareday #bearhug