I just finished delivering a few copies of my children’s book “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?.
I am filled with so much love and gratitude each and every time I get to sign a copy of my book for someone who purchases one from me and I’m always hopeful that at the same time my family’s heartwarming journey could be helping another family, caregiver or loved one cope with and understand an illness they cannot see while reassuring a child that they are safe, loved and most of all not to blame for their loved one’s Depression.
Starting today until June 23rd (my birthday) I will be donating 50 % of proceeds from each book sold to #CMHAYork (Canadian Mental Health Association) in support of #MOBYSSinmotion which is a wonderful and confidential mobile walk-in-clinic that offers free support, a safe space and resources for our young people (ages 12 to 25) who may be facing a mental, physical or sexual health crisis right now. *Mobyss is staffed by a nurse practitioner, youth mental health worker, and peer support specialist.
Feel free to private message me or email to youthareenough@gmail.com for your signed copy today.
Last night I had a lovely evening attending my first ever networking and spiritual healing group @ “The Healing Cooperative”. These groups are run monthly by a dear friend and this just so happened to be the first in-person session in over 2 years.
I was thrilled that another dear friend of mine tagged along with me as well last night to share in the experience. I also made many new and special connections with others in attendance whose stories really resonated with me as one by one we all went around the room and shared a piece of our own personal journey and passion for holistic and spiritual healing. We also heard inspiring stories from other individuals who have turned their passion of holistic and spiritual healing into a profession, many of whom, like myself had at one time or another been at a crossroads in their life. I spoke briefly about my passion and purpose for blogging, advocacy and writing my children’s book as well as my more recent spiritual and holistic journey I’ve been on.
Before we began sharing our stories we were each asked to pick 2 random cards from a deck of “OH Cards”. One card had a word printed along its edges and the other much smaller card had a painted picture on it. These cards are used as storytelling and imagination prompters, creative communication aids and therapeutic tools in both counselling and social settings.
I chose first and immediately upon revealing my cards to myself I felt an overwhelming sense of defeat. It almost felt laughable in my mind. I didn’t want to share my interpretation with the group. I couldn’t see anything positive in the word “disgrace” or in a picture of a clown who was seemingly staring at me with a big smirk on its face and pity in his eyes; that was however until one of the guests in attendance (who happens to also be a psychotherapist) helped me see my cards in a whole different light.
Yes, disgrace is a word which is used to describe shame and stigma, two very painful words that along my 8 year journey have often made me feel so unworthy and broken but upon further reflection last night though I suddenly realized that the word was chosen by me as a gentle reminder of how much I have worked over the last many years to destigmatize mental illness and help both myself and others feel less ashamed about living with one. And then suddenly I also saw the clown in colour and not in darkness. I suddenly saw his bright yellow shirt as energy and healing and his smile signifying silliness and fun. The rose coming out of his hat which I hadn’t even noticed upon first glance suddenly represented my growth and his big goofy green bow tie with a tinge of blue wrapped around his neck suddenly didn’t feel so smothering but instead shouted creativity, confidence and purpose.
Suddenly I thought to myself “OH” now that’s more like it!
What is the first thing you notice when you look at my cards?
Let’s celebrate our “Class of 2022” graduates and let’s continue to celebrate all our young people each and every day. Whether your child made the honour roll this year or barely found the strength to maneuver their way through another difficult school year, together, lets gently remind them that they are enough, that they are all worthy of love and recognition and that now more than ever they need to be celebrated for their perseverance and resilience.
Thank you again to everyone who helped contribute to this year’s Graduation lawn sign initiative, bringing the total of funds raised in the last 3 years to over 16k for youth mental health.
🤗😘
*Kids Help Phone is always a phone call or text message away, 24/7 1.800.668.6868 or text TALK to 686868*
I had another really bad evening last night and as my anxiety began to escalate and the tears began to fall I was led into another very dark abyss. It felt claustrophobic and I just couldn’t find my way out.
I feel as though I am having more and more bad days of late and that the stress and overwhelm in my life right now are really taking a toll on both my body and mind which in turn are also creating uncontrollable flare ups at times from the many physical issues that I’ve been dealing with for the better part of two months now since taking part in the clinical research trial on April 2nd. I feel like I’m in a constant fight or flight mode and I don’t know if many people can truly understand how tiring it can be to have to put on a brave face while pretending to be okay half the time or to try and stay strong when you are so close to the edge.
I have not shared with too many people to what extent I have been suffering right now physically as some of it is really quite personal and difficult to talk about but I will say that some days are extremely unbearable for me and I am scared.
As I mentioned a couple of days ago in my blog: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2022/06/07/5782/ I had an EEG done as requested by the Neurologist under my care and I have an MRI scheduled for this coming Saturday night at 11:50 pm as first steps into the investigation process. In the meantime I had an appointment with my Psychiatrist this morning and he did inform me that he had already received a copy of the results of my EEG. He said I would need to speak with the Neurologist further (as Neurology is not his expertise) once both results have been calculated in order to get a full picture into what is going on but he wanted to let me know that a part of the EEG test did show some abnormalities (he gave me the technical term for it, which of course I googled right away).
For now though as I anxiously await my MRI appointment on Saturday night I will just continue to put on a brave face while pretending to be okay and try to stay strong!
Last Friday I received a phone call from the Neurology clinic to schedule an appointment for an EEG in a few weeks time which the Neurologist I saw recently had requested, along with an MRI that I am still anxiously awaiting upon. They told me that they would put me on their cancellation list in case an appointment came up sooner. I thanked them, not expecting any small miracles.
But sure enough the clinic called me again this morning saying that they just had a cancellation for early this afternoon if I’d be able to come in today. I had some prior commitments on the go this afternoon, all of which I knew could easily be rescheduled and not as imminent.
I’m not very good at making decisions, especially ones that require last minute disruptions to my day but I also knew that somehow in that brief moment on the phone I had to make it work; which I did, even as my anxiety began to skyrocket I quickly tried to figure out how I was going to make this appointment happen with the greatest of ease.
When I arrived at the clinic, the technician took me into a small room right away, he had me lie down on a table, gave me a blanket and proceeded to explain the procedure to me as he pasted an abundance of wires to my scalp. He then asked that I relax, take several deep breaths, close my eyes and try to fall asleep. To no fault of his own he obviously didn’t know who he was dealing with because relaxing and sleep don’t co-exist in my vocabulary but it was very cute that he even tried!
If only the EEG could actually read the thoughts that were going through my mind during the procedure, now that would be next level. In the meantime though I’m just so appreciative that they called me today and that I was able to go; it’s now one less stressor in my life and I’m also really, really grateful that I hadn’t washed my hair this morning!
When battling Chronic Depression like I do, some days are more manageable than others but some days are just simply really, really bad.
Yesterday was one of those really, really bad days for me. I can’t recall the last time I felt this bad. I’m very overwhelmed by so much in my life right now. It took everything in my power to make it through the day. It started with a trigger in the morning. I spiraled quickly from there. It hit me really hard and really unexpectedly, although I do feel now like it may have been building up all week. Suddenly I was paralyzed by fear. I felt helpless and worthless. I was angry with myself and as the day went on I felt more and more like I was drowning, gasping for air; trying desperately to stay afloat.
Sadness took over my entire body and mind yesterday. I couldn’t control my thoughts that just kept escalating with each passing hour. I couldn’t control my tears which came on at a warp speed and wouldn’t stop from dawn til dusk. I felt completely broken and was left wishing I could just go to sleep and never wake up again. Nothing seemed to help me. I just had to get through it, somehow.
The problems of yesterday haven’t disappeared but I am grateful to have somehow gotten through a really, really bad day. Today I was able to step outside long enough to breathe in the warmth of the sun and the sights and sounds of nature for a #summerofrich adventure in the city. Yesterday’s problems may not have disappeared but at least today I was afforded a fresh start.
*Thank you Rich for continuing to hold my hand while I get through those really, really bad days.
Yesterday was election day here in Ontario. The current Provincial government won by a landslide. I’m having a difficult time understanding how.
Back in July of 2018 shortly after Doug Ford was elected Premier I wrote a blog (https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2018/07/29/distress-centers-demi-lovato-doug-ford/). It was not specifically about him but it did however include my anger towards him and his government for just having cut 330 million dollars in funding per year that had been originally allocated for mental health services.
We were only 3 weeks in. What the heck did I know? What the heck did any of us know at the time? I may have been a bit too quick and a tad too naive to think that some people can change? I admit I may have jumped the gun on that one.
Well another two years have once again passed since then and my praises for the current government have long fallen back by the wasteside.
I’m probably the least political person you will ever meet. I’m really just a very compassionate and empathetic advocate who feels big feelings for other people’s sufferings. I am also beyond blessed to live in an incredible country such as Canada and a Province like Ontario that are both filled with so much beauty and diversity.
As I begin to process my feelings of what the next four years could potentially look like for many of us and as I shudder to think what I will be writing about next for now as we head into the weekend I am choosing to focus my attention on selfcare instead and some much needed #summerofrich time to remind myself just how incredibly blessed we truly are to be living in this beautifully diverse Province of ours.
What is the one thing you look most forward to about the weekend?
That little but very boisterous voice inside my head, the one that is constantly telling me that I’m not good enough tried to stop me once again from fulfilling a dream of mine but somehow I found the strength to fight back this time just long enough to submit a poem I wrote to this year’s “CBC Poetry Prize” contest.
I’ve known about the contest since it opened on April 1st, 2022 and I also knew that the deadline to enter was on May 31st at 11:59 PM. I finished the application process last night with TWO full hours to spare; I guess as they say, better late than never, right?
“The winner will receive $6,000 from the Canada Council for the Arts, have the opportunity to attend a two-week writing residency at the Banff Centre for Arts and Creativity and have their work published on CBC Books“. Four additional finalists will also be selected and receive $1000 each along with their work published on CBC Books as well.
My chances of winning are probably slim to none (there’s that voice inside my head again) but today I’m just gonna give myself a pat on the back anyways and gently remind myself once again that no matter what happens I’m already a winner just by finding the strength to shut off the noise in my head long enough to hit the submit button before midnight!
Today I needed to tune out the rest of the world somehow, even just for a short while. I needed to escape to the one place I find brings me the most peace and tranquility; hiking in nature.
I had a really trying week and by Friday night I was so mentally and physically exhausted. After we finished watching a movie I took a sleeping pill to ensure that I’d get some much needed rest which my body and mind were both screaming for. About 30 minutes later, still wide awake my heart began to race, I felt like I couldn’t swallow, I tried to get up but felt dizzy, my eyes blurred, my body was shaking all over, the tingling sensation I regularly feel of late in my hands and feet were suddenly pulsating throughout my entire body and then my body suddenly felt a numbness and my limbs felt heavy. By now I’d convinced myself I was having a stroke or something of that nature and tried to convince Rich as well as he caressed my arm to settle my panic.
Panic attacks can often mimic themselves as something more alarming. As my panic attack grew more intense and more debilitating I feared that I needed immediate medical attention and that the sleeping pill I’d taken had now been wasted. I experience panic attacks a lot so I should be used to them by now but over the course of the past 2 months I’ve been living with many of these symptoms on a daily basis on a much different scale and so when they intensify to a level where I begin to panic it’s so hard to tell anymore if I’m in a fight or flight mode or if something else is causing it. But as the symptoms began to subside after about 20 to 30 minutes I knew it was a panic attack and nothing more. I could finally take a deep breath and allow the sleeping pill to work.
We’ve been finding trails close to home lately as the price of gas is just fucking insane right now but luckily there are many places to hike nearby. Sadly though there was a lot of damage in the forest from the storm last weekend. I was still feeling a bit off from last night but I knew how badly I needed it.
Today’s #summerofrich hike reminded me of all the uphill battles and downward spirals I’ve endured over the last 8 years. It reminded me how many times I’ve lost my way over the last 8 years. It reminded me how many wrong turns I’ve taken, how many times I’ve felt so lost and how breathless and exhausted its left me but I was also reminded as we finished our hike that no matter how hard it gets, somehow I find the strength to climb the mountain tops, stepping over many broken branches along the way.
You must be logged in to post a comment.