Brave Face

*May be triggering for some*

I had another really bad evening last night and as my anxiety began to escalate and the tears began to fall I was led into another very dark abyss. It felt claustrophobic and I just couldn’t find my way out. 

I feel as though I am having more and more bad days of late and that the stress and overwhelm in my life right now are really taking a toll on both my body and mind which in turn are also creating uncontrollable flare ups at times from the many physical issues that I’ve been dealing with for the better part of two months now since taking part in the clinical research trial on April 2nd. I feel like I’m in a constant fight or flight mode and I don’t know if many people can truly understand how tiring it can be to have to put on a brave face while pretending to be okay half the time or to try and stay strong when you are so close to the edge.

I have not shared with too many people to what extent I have been suffering right now physically as some of it is really quite personal and difficult to talk about but I will say that some days are extremely unbearable for me and I am scared. 

As I mentioned a couple of days ago in my blog: I had an EEG done as requested by the Neurologist under my care and I have an MRI scheduled for this coming Saturday night at 11:50 pm as first steps into the investigation process. In the meantime I had an appointment with my Psychiatrist this morning and he did inform me that he had already received a copy of the results of my EEG. He said I would need to speak with the Neurologist further (as Neurology is not his expertise) once both results have been calculated in order to get a full picture into what is going on but he wanted to let me know that a part of the EEG test did show some abnormalities (he gave me the technical term for it, which of course I googled right away). 

For now though as I anxiously await my MRI appointment on Saturday night I will just continue to put on a brave face while pretending to be okay and try to stay strong!

#eeg #mri #neurology #clinicaltrial #Psilocybin #treatmentresistantdepression #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #itsoktonotbeok #strength #youareenough #braveface #wheredidmommyssmilego

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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