Tag: journey

Home Alone


I don’t remember the last time I was home alone for more than maybe an hour since mid February which is well before Covid-19 hit; and sadly there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight right now. 

Over the last month both my depression and anxiety symptoms have made me feel even more overwhelmed and vulnerable than ever and my thoughts of suicide have become more and more vivid as well which has left me urgently begging for a break from all of the day to day chaos that has been erupting behind the scenes at home.

So first thing this morning Rich and the girls headed up north to spend the day with friends at their cottage (Jacob worked all day and then went to his baseball game), leaving me home ALONE for the whole day and night! And even though I had 2 appointments previously scheduled for this afternoon (one being the always enjoyable Mammogram) that I needed to go to I was still able to spend most of my day just being mindful. 

I went for a long walk in the morning, I ate whatever I wanted (Fyi: Mac & Cheese for supper is still one of the best comfort foods around), I read, I did some writing, I went to both of my appointments and I enjoyed some much needed & very peaceful “me time”.

For the last 6 years I have felt as though I have failed as both a parent and a partner. I have spent all these years feeling like a burden to my family and I am consumed by guilt day in and day out. I blame myself for every bad thing that happens to the people I love and cherish the most and no matter how hard I try I feel completely worthless almost all of the time. 

Me wanting and needing to have just one day to de-stress a bit and spend a day by myself so that I could try to loosen the noose around my neck (it’s a figure of speech!) seems selfish to some and probably makes me look like a bad mom and wife to others but I keep trying to remind myself how important self-care is (remember you should always put the oxygen mask on yourself first on an airplane) and even if one day won’t make everything better, it’s certainly a great place to start. And I’m pretty sure from the sounds of it that today was a pretty great day for some much needed rest and rejuvenation up north as well.

I’m going to go now and enjoy my last few hours of alone time while I get ready to watch “Big Brother” and “Married At First Sight” which are my Wednesday night favourites.

Do you ever feel like you have failed as a parent or as a partner? Does it consume you with guilt? Shame? 

#selfcare #ichooseme #youarenotalone #bekindtoyourself #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough #selfcareisnotselfish #endthestigmatogether #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #depression #anxiety #masksoff #suicideprevention #ilovemyfamilytothemoonandback

More Than Skin Deep

Thank you Hannah for giving me the most meaningful and symbolic gift tonight and for making it feel truly extra special by sharing in this moment with me.

As most of you know, the words “You Are Enough” have become my personal mantra throughout most of my journey. It’s a positive affirmation that motivates and inspires myself and others to be who you are; on purpose and with purpose. It’s a gentle reminder to us all that “You Are Enough” just as you are, even when a broken wing may make it difficult to fly sometimes.  

Many people only see a tattoo as being skin deep but for me the significance of our tattoo (and my first tattoo I got 4 years ago 😉 goes much much deeper. 

The words “You Are Enough” are now permanently etched in our skin (and are expressed through my own handwriting) and will always and forever be a valuable and visible persuasion for both Hannah and myself as well as anyone else seeing it who may need a soft-spoken and kindhearted reminder somedays that “You Are Enough” because you are already you! 

#youareenough #morethanskindeep #selfexpression #tattoos #motherdaughter #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #endthestigmatogether #youarenotalone @piranhatattoo

Dear Teachers, Educators, Parents and Children:

***Grab a tissue before you watch*** 

Listen closely to the real “experts” tell us how they are feeling right now as they prepare to head back to the classroom (either virtually or in person).  Listen closely to the real “experts” talk about their fears of the unknown ahead and their growing uncertainty of the future. And listen very closely as they send a genuine, sincere and incredibly powerful message to our teachers about how important they are to them and just how much of an impact our educators can make on a child’s health and wellbeing. 

These “experts” of all ages, races and ethnicities are speaking with truth and honesty from their heart on behalf of youth everywhere to let teachers know how truly missed and respected they are and how much their guidance and support keeps them feeling hopeful both in the classroom and beyond. Thank you to our teachers for giving our children a safe and inclusive place to turn.

Don’t forget to grab your tissue first; you’ve been warned!

#schoolmentalhealthontario #ouryouthmatter #strongertogether #kindness #goteachers #staysafe #youvegotthis #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #advocate #endthestigmatogether #youarenotalone #kindnessmatters 

Going On A Bear Hunt

Today’s #summerofrich adventure was quite the adventure.  We headed to a trail near Port Perry and when we got there it was closed (the website gave no indication that it was closed), so we went to another trail a bit further away; and guess what? it was closed too! (Again no mention of it on their website; but it was under construction).

By this point we figured since we had come all that way we might as well venture to yet one more trail (I mean what are the chances it would be closed too!). Thankfully it was not; Yahoo!!! As we reached the start of the trail we saw a sign that read (in pics) “beware of bears”! Ya well who doesn’t like to be a bit “risque” sometimes so off we went into the forest, but with every step we took we started to get more and more nervous (well Rich did lol) which was only about 5 minutes into our hike.

There were no other hikers in sight (maybe they had already been eaten by a bear) and we tried hard to ignore every rustling sound coming from the woods but THEN we came upon piles and piles of bear poop (Don’t worry I saved you from any pics!). So it was at that very moment that we hightailed it out of there and back to safety!

It looks like a hike just wasn’t in the cards for us today (good thing I did an aqua fit class this morning) and instead we headed to Port Perry’s Main Street and walked along the Pier and did some window shopping instead (that’s pretty mindful in my opinion, wouldn’t you agree?) which is where our adventure continued.

Once we had enough window shopping we decided to grab a quick bite to eat on a patio close to the water which was also our first time doing so since patios opened back up. We placed our order and THEN came the lightening, the thunder and soon followed by a terrestrial downpour!

Luckily the umbrella over the picnic table kept us pretty dry for most of the time (and it was too late to make it back to the car anyways), but then the wind turned directions and we were getting soaked! 

You can’t fault us for trying today, it was certainly a memorable day and nothing a big scoop of peanut butter and chocolate ice cream from one of the local shops couldn’t fix.

#summerofrichcoronaedition #nohikingtoday #bewareofbears #imisspatios #portperry #scugogtownship #icecreamyouscream #peanutbutterandchocolateicecream #thunderandlightening #youareenough #mentalhealth #mentalwellness

A Fresh Coat of Paint

Rachel has been hard at work prepping her new classroom before the start of the Fall semester and her first term in University. It may not be the ideal situation or one that many of us would have chosen for our children but to quote the Schmuck himself (AKA: The President of The United States) “It is what it is!” 

So for now Rachel is trying to make the best of a pretty shitty situation by creating her own oasis in our living room and claiming it as her new workspace and art studio, starting by adding a fresh coat of paint to the walls. 

A fresh coat of paint can be beneficial to our mental wellness and can bring with it a calming effect and a sense of comfort and ease. Having a clean and orderly space, reducing the amount of clutter in it and being surrounded by bright, natural lighting can also become a healing sanctuary for our mental wellbeing. 

I’m just not so sure that Maggie is thrilled with Rachel trying to take over her favorite spot in the house where she sits on her throne and keeps a close watch on the goings on outside but that’s for the two of them to work out! 

#interiordesign  #ryersonuniversity #nextchapter #classof2024 #onlinelearning #onlineclassroom #afreshcoatofpaint #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #youareenough #childandyouthmentalhealth #mindfulness #makingthebestofashittysituation

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends


The week we first went into lockdown 5 months ago this week (in case you’ve forgotten!) I had an appointment scheduled with my Psychiatrist to begin a new treatment. The decision for me to even attempt yet another new treatment was not an easy one to make, especially since it’s still quite new and not very accessible to the general public as of now; and not to mention that I had already been part of a clinical study for a more invasive version of the same treatment several years earlier during a hospital admission that I needed to stop immediately. 

The first dose was to be administered by my Psychiatrist in his office at the hospital he works out of to ensure that I could tolerate it and from there I would be monitored closely as I continued treatment several times a week from my home. It’s now been five long months since that initial appointment was postponed inevitably as I continue to struggle deeply on a daily basis. 

As most of you who follow my journey regularly know by now that my relationship with medication and treatment options (both traditional and MANY non-traditional as well) to help ease my symptoms associated with anxiety and depression have been met with many obstacles, extreme challenges and sometimes severe complications to say the least. So when I discovered CBD oil a few years ago and found immediate relief from it while experiencing high levels of anxiety throughout any given day (even if it’s only temporary), I’ve come to rely on it like you would rely on any loyal and trustworthy friend.

Although it’s been far from a cure and (unfortunately) for me it has yet to give my symptoms of depression any type of real relief I’m still so grateful to know that just like my many loyal, trustworthy friends I have in my life, it’s a safe and reliable way to help me cope with my often severe and very persistent daily bouts of anxiety and panic attacks because I really don’t know how I’d ever get through so many difficult days (and nights) without any of them. 

#cbdoil #friendship #youareenough #depression #anxiety #anxietyattacks #panicattacks #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #therapeutic #selfcare #suicidalthoughts #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #endthestigmatogether 

In That Moment

**Warning: May be triggering to some**

It’s been well over a week since I’ve sat down to write anything. Many times when you see a post or blog of mine on my news feeds there is a good chance it had been written well in advance of that day. The truth is I’m having a real hard time expressing myself lately and I’ve just been trying to hold it together.  

My thoughts have become very clouded by a darkness of emotional unrest that is completely overpowering me. I feel like I’m standing on the ledge of the tallest skyscraper in the world; I’m alone and scared as I listen to the sounds of the oncoming traffic down below. I have butterflies in my stomach, desperation in my eyes, my heart is beating super fast, I feel nauseous and dizzy and then suddenly I awake in a panic. 

I’m relieved for a moment as I try to get my barings and then a feeling of sadness and despair quickly overcomes me. 

When you feel like you are barely holding on for dear life like I do right now and trying desperately not to lose your grip while standing on that ledge can make for some very burdensome days and some even more exhausting and insufferable nights.

I ask myself in that moment of relief how can I find the strength to keep going when my motivation to do so is fading fast? I ask myself in that same moment how can I find the strength to keep fighting when I’m in so much pain and feel so hopeless? I ask myself in that moment how can I find the strength to keep moving forward when my heart is aching so much? And I ask myself in that moment where can I find my inner strength?

What helps you find your inner strength?

**if you or someone you know is in emotional crisis or suicidal please call: 1-833-456-4566**

#innerstrength #findingstrength #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #selfcare #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #suicideprevention #checkonyourlovedones #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence #speakyourtruth #courage #inthatmoment #endthestigmatogether

I’m A Reality TV Junkie

Anyone who knows me well, knows how completely obsessed I am with Reality TV. It’s a much needed and most welcomed escape from my own reality and struggles for, well, at the very least an hour or two at a time. 

I become totally invested in their lives (maybe a little too much sometimes lol), I cheer on their successes like I would for anyone else, I put a hate on for the mean girls and bullies, I become completely enthralled in all their drama both on and off the screen (bring it on!) and I especially love gossiping with my friends about all the jaw dropping drama unfolding on the screen.

In mid March when the world abruptly shut down that also included the filming of one of my favorite Reality shows (Big Brother Canada) which had just begun airing a couple of weeks earlier. But when the Government executed the lockdown orders, the television network quickly pulled the plug on production and sent the entire cast and crew home immediately. I, along with so many loyal fans were completely crushed (no one could have ever imagined at the time that we’d still be living in the devastation of Covid-19 all these months later). 

Reality shows, like most television productions, are usually filmed several months in advance of airing on TV but not the Big Brother Franchises; they are unique because they film in real time and air 3x a week, in addition to the live feeds 24/7 that you can pay extra for to watch (I myself stick to the spoiler alert groups on Social Media these days which are free). 

But lucky for me I have not been without my fair share of other epic Reality TV shows since the shut down of Big Brother Canada as many of my favorite shows that filmed well in advance of the Pandemic have still been airing weekly ever since, and many have even been showcasing self-filmed quarantine life (you can’t get any more real than that!). 

The demand and popularity for Reality TV has been on the rise for years now. It’s entertaining to say the very least and who couldn’t use an entertaining distraction from our own realities in life right now, which was why when the announcement came that Big Brother (USA) would be starting in early August I was ecstatic! 

It’s become my favorite escape from reality for the last 20 + summers and even though it usually begins at the end of June and carries us through until mid September I know this shortened season will be like no other (G-d willing everyone stays healthy that is).

The contestants this season will consist only of “All Stars” who are considered “Fan Favorites” from past seasons which was the only way the show could happen at all this year as it alleviated months of interviewing, prepping and casting calls to find new players which I’m good with and is certain to make for lots of drama indeed!

So who will be watching with me?

Are you a Reality TV junkie? (it’s ok your secret is safe with me!)

What are your favorite Reality TV shows to watch and help you escape from your own reality for a while?

#betterlatethannever #bigbrother #bigbrotherisalwayswatchingyou #bigbrotherallstars #realitytv #imarealitytvjunkie #icallitselfcare #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #escapefromreality #youareenough 

Unbreakable Bonds

Throughout my illness I have been so incredibly blessed to have such an overwhelming amount of support from friends, family and acquaintances alike. When we go through difficult times in our life,  having a strong network of supportive people to rely on is so important to our wellbeing. And no matter what the role is that someone plays in that network of support is just as vital as the next one and should be cherished just the same. 

Two such ladies in my network of support inspired me to write this blog because I don’t know what I would do without either of them in my life. They are both close to ten years younger than me and live thousands of miles away, one being in Western Canada and the other in the Southern United States. And even though we may have grown up in completely different worlds and gone through completely different (and at times) difficult journeys ourselves we have so much in common and share a bond that is unbreakable. 

We have an “exclusive” and private chat group that probably has hundreds and hundreds of hours of conversations on it by now. We check in with each other many times a week (and sometimes a day) where we share the most intimate details of our lives including our secrets, our heartache and certainly lots of laughter.

It is so comforting to know that they are always just a quick text away and that I can tell them anything without ever feeling like a burden to them.  

We cheer each other on and we cheer each other up, we listen with our heart and we listen without judgment because that’s what a strong network of support is meant to do. 

They may have been my cousins first but overtime they have truly become the sisters I never had. 😘🤗 

#cousinsforever #sisterbond #youareenough #family #familymatters #networkofsupport #ilovemybrothertoo #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #checkonyourlovedones #togetherapart #youarenotalone 

Stop Checking Your Likes

As human beings we have an innate need to seek the approval of others but when doing so we often end up sacrificing our own needs, our own beliefs, our own opinions and our own values. 

We sometimes engage in such behavior because we want so much to keep the peace or reduce our level of anxiety, or maybe we worry about being criticized by our loved ones (and even strangers) or maybe we want so badly to impress others; as humans we want to please others and we want more than anything to just be “liked”. 

But over time our need to seek the approval of others may eventually turn to disappointment, missed opportunities and even resentment. When we are always seeking the approval of others we forget who we are or what we are truly capable of which can in many cases like my own, turn into Depression. 

I’m slowly learning with time (and therapy!) the importance of loving myself first, above all else and that it’s okay to let others down. I spent a great deal of my childhood and young adult life feeling very restricted and controlled. I never felt “good” enough in my parent’s eyes or free to express my “true authentic self” which are some of the many reasons why I am always having to second guess myself and why I fear failure so much or have a difficult time saying “NO” to others and it’s likely the reason why I get so easily overwhelmed. 

I started reading a new book titled “Stop Checking Your Likes”. Many of you will instinctively think that it’s a book about Social Media but it’s really not. But although it may not be a book devoted to Social Media in of itself the reality is that this is where so many people seek out approval these days in order to feel accepted, confident and “liked”. 

The author’s intention in her book is more about teaching her readers how to walk away from the “likes” of others and start focusing on “liking” ourselves instead in order to stop sacrificing our own needs, our own beliefs, our own opinions and our own values and start learning how to validate ourselves with more confidence, compassion and with the greatest of ease.

It’s an important read for all of us!

#mondaymotivation #stopcheckingyourlikes #susiemoore #bekindtoyourself #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #selfcare #ichooseme #seekingapproval #selfconfidence #youareenough