YouAreEnough

**Trigger Warning ⚠️,  mention of suicidal ideations, suicide

Death by suicide is always shocking and another harsh reminder as to just how fragile life truly is.

I’m having a really hard time coping with so much of my life right now but since hearing the news about tWitch the other morning I’ve become paralyzed by my emotions, that was, until last night when I broke down, allowing a flood of emotions to come pouring out of me all at once. 

I allowed myself to feel all my feelings and burdened Rich with having to listen to it all. I was immediately brought back to the moment when I first heard the news of Robin Williams’ death which to this day I still replay the events of that evening over and over again in my mind. I was just 4 short months into my journey at the time as I sat alone in my car, in distress and contemplating taking my own life just moments before the tragic news of his death even broke. My husband and friends once again not knowing where I’d taken off to and as my phone lit up with text messages and phone calls from loved ones who were concerned for my safety, I turned off my phone. It all felt way too much for me to handle back then and now almost 9 years and sadly many celebrity suicides later I’m completely distraught. I keep asking myself, “What chance do I have?”

I’ve also spent some time reading many of the comments posted online this week, you know the ones I’m talking about;

“But…he had so many resources at his fingertips.”

“He’s so selfish.”

“How could he do this right before the holidays?”

“How can he do this to his family?”

“He had a beautiful home and millions of dollars in his bank account.”

“What could he possibly have to be depressed about?”

“He was always smiling and dancing and happy.”

I wish everyone could understand how very real mental health struggles are. The pain can be excruciating. The darkness fills you with loneliness. The intrusive thoughts overpower you. Depression destroys your brain’s ability to function. When someone slowly dies from cancer or kidney failure we can see it on the outside but unfortunately with a mental illness, you can’t always see its deterioration in the same light, but it’s just as real. 

I know I’ve been super focused on tWitch’s death this week and posting this selfie of me is not meant to garnish sympathy from others, for me it’s about trying to shed more light on the many depths of mental illness, open up important conversations and use my platform as an opportunity to educate others; all things I vow to never stop doing so long as I’m living.

Just be kind. 

#unselfie #floodedwithemotions #startaconversation #kindnessisfree #mentalhealth #mentalillness #depression #mentalwellness #startaconversation #itsoktoaskforhelp #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough 

Please take a few minutes to read: Trigger Warning ⚠️, mention of suicide, death

I’ve been really struggling this past week with so much of my life. I’m feeling such a disconnect and just unable to focus or concentrate on much of anything. I’m irritable, easily agitated, quick to anger. I’m extremely fatigued and my thoughts feel as though they are on a constant replay reel of helplessness, overwhelm and negative self-talk; all going in slow motion and if I’m to be completely honest here, since learning the devastating news of tWitch’s suicide yesterday, there is now a whole new layer of pain, hopelessness and confusion added into the mix. 

I’m having a difficult time processing it and I feel like I’ve been sucker-punched in the stomach. The news has shocked all of us and given many like myself a reality check. 

As I mentioned above, my depression and intrusive thoughts have been chirping really loudly in my ear this week. I am now just days away from starting my new job, (in case you missed the news, https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2022/12/10/how-someone-with-depression-receives-good-news/) which has only added to my already high level of anxiety, depression, overwhelming fear of failure and that endless loop of self-sabotage that plays in my head. I have convinced myself that I am about to let everyone I know down, once again; including you. I just can’t handle the burden of that happening. But for now I will put on my “mask” and hope that it will be enough to fake my way through each work day, well at least the first one anyways!

I saw this quote last night and it really resonated with me and I wanted to share it with you to try and put things in perspective;

“People don’t fake depression. They fake being okay.” ~ Abhysheq Shukla

I want those who still can’t understand the many depths of depression or mental illness to see that it doesn’t matter what the world sees on the outside and that just because we see someone smiling and dancing and laughing all the time it doesn’t mean they are happy or feeling good. If you don’t believe me just take a quick peek at tWitch’s Instagram account (@sir_twitch_alot) where he was last seen celebrating his 9th Wedding Anniversary a few days before his death and then just one day before he took his own life he was seen doing what he loved most in this world; dancing alongside the one person he loved most in this world, his beautiful wife. Does any of this sound like someone who was on the verge of suicide (he even spoke during a recent interview that he wanted to have another baby)?

I know that it’s truly so hard to fathom that someone who brought so much joy to others and lit up every room he entered could have been hurting so much. I know it must also be so confusing when someone leaves us in this way, especially if it is someone we care deeply for and are then left behind holding onto the guilt of feeling like we’d missed all the signs but the truth is, there may not always be any signs at all. Too many people are still too afraid to ask for help for fear they will be judged or shamed. Depression, whether you choose to believe it or not, is a disease which attacks our brain’s ability to function properly, leaving many of us with an inability to think clearly or feel the same way a healthy brain can. But boy can it fake the heck out of being okay. 

So if you’re reading this and are feeling confused, or scared or lonely I’m here to remind you that you are not as alone as you may think you are and that there is always help available and people who are willing to help which is something I am so incredibly blessed to have in my life because sharing my story has given me that feeling of safety and acceptance and allowed me to have the strength and support of an entire community of friends and acquaintances standing beside me who truly care about my wellbeing; so many of whom took the time to reach out to me throughout the day and evening yesterday just to check in to see how I was doing, knowing that the news of tWitch’s sudden passing would have impacted me greatly. 

So for right now as we try to make sense of this tragedy and especially as we enter into the holiday season I am asking that you continue to spread strength and support around. Hold your loved ones a little bit tighter today. Check on your friends, even the strong ones. Help someone in need of support and go ahead and wrap those arms of yours as wide as you can around the person staring back at you in the mirror, even if you despise looking at them. Show kindness to everyone you meet because you truly never know what they are going through. Oh, and one last thing, let’s do a little dance in celebration of tWitch’s life and the footprint he’s left behind on the world.

#twitch #rip #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youdonthavetosufferinsilence #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #itsoktoaskforhelp #endthestigma #youarenotalone #youareenough #showkindness #depression #anxiety #suicidalideations #letsdance

***Trigger Warning ⚠️, mention of suicidal ideations and suicide***

Today is another tragic reminder that battling a mental illness like depression is not by choice and that it does NOT discriminate either. 

We will all remember Stephen “Twitch” Boss as Ellen’s fun loving sidekick on the Ellen Degeneres Show for 8 years; dancing, full of energy, laughing and thriving in a career he loved. 

To the outside world “Twitch” had it all including being adored by millions of fans, great success, a loving wife and 3 beautiful children. 

Depression doesn’t give two shits about any of it. 

I’ve been experiencing many intrusive thoughts myself over the past several days and fixated on my own mortality of late; and now hearing the news of Twitch’s death by suicide today has left a sinking feeling of helplessness and overwhelm in the pit of my stomach. I know what a scary and lonely place it can be.

Today is a reminder to everyone that there is no shame in having a mental illness and that it’s okay to ask for help. 

RIP Twitch. 

You will be missed by so many.

If you or someone you love is in crisis please call 1.833.456.4566 (Canada) or 988 (U.S)

#suicideprevention #suicideawareness #depression #mentalillness #checkonyourlovedones #RIP #Twitch #depressiondoesntgivetwoshits #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #itsoktoaskforhelp #startaconversation #endthestigma

I just completed a big order for cosmetic pouches from @agentlereminderproject for a client. All of them beautiful, one-of-a-kind and “perfectly imperfect” just like the lovely ladies who will be gifted them this holiday season and just like all the beautiful, one-of-a-kind “perfectly imperfect” ladies reading this today. 

As I was making the pouches it reminded me of a quote I’d read recently. Bob Marley was once asked if the perfect woman existed. 

And he replied:

“Who cares about perfection? Even the moon is not perfect, it is full of craters…

And the sea? It’s too salty and dark in the depths.

The sky? Always so infinite. 

That is, the most beautiful things are not perfect, they are special.” 

Our imperfections are what make us beautiful, one-of-a-kind, unique and special. Embrace them. All of them. 

Now say it out loud; I am…perfectly imperfect. 

Contact @agentlereminderproject or DM us today to create your own gentle reminders from a selection of affirmations and sayings for all the beautiful, one-of-a-kind “perfectly imperfect” people in your life this holiday season. 

Keychains, hoodies, pouches, t’s, onesies and socks available. 

#perfectlyimperfect #cosmeticpouches #oneofakind #beautywithin #gentlereminders #wordsofaffirmation #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #holidayseason #bobmarley #embraceyourimperfections  

#ijustwanttorunaway #mentalhealth #physicalhealth

**Trigger Warning ⚠️, mention of suicidal ideations** 


I got a job offer this week. Yay me! (This isn’t the end of the story though)


2022 has really taken a beating on me and my family, like as if life hadn’t already been messy enough before. Accepting the job offer will help lift some of the burden off my family, but certainly not all of it. I should be off celebrating right now but I haven’t been able to bring myself to do so quite yet, in fact, as soon as I hung up the phone call the other morning letting me know that I got the job, the first call I made immediately following wasn’t to Rich or to my kids or even to a friend; instead, my first call was to my Therapist! 


I haven’t held a full-time job for close to  nine years now, not since I walked out on my last job on April 4th 2014. It was the day my journey first began; the day my life as I once knew it changed forever (for anyone who doesn’t know my back story as to how I broke that day, please check out the blog I wrote a few years ago explaining it in detail; https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2019/04/04/april-4-2014-its-been-five-long-years/). 


The irony of my story is that I actually worked for this same organization about fifteen years ago from 2006 to 2009, a big chunk of it being in this exact position. I really enjoyed it because I love making connections with people which is a large part of this job. I thrived at the challenges and if I’m being honest, I think I was pretty good at it too. The energy in the office was amazing. I worked with an awesome team of like-minded ladies; none of whom still work there (and the office location itself has also moved since then too) but I am still very close with one of my old collegues; in fact when I first saw the job posting I texted her, half jokingly and asked if I should apply. She immediately replied back “yes!”. I was still quite hesitant though even if in my heart I knew I would be the perfect candidate for the job. Well, sorta…

You see, all week long, knowing there was a good probability that a job offer was coming my way, instead of being excited and proud of myself, I spiraled; boy did I ever spiral. My mind quickly filled with self-doubt, negative self-talk and yes, even thoughts of suicide. My very depressed, very anxious and extremely overwhelmed and vulnerable mind truly believes that all I am doing is setting myself up for failure and in turn becoming an even bigger disappointment and burden to my family. 


To say that lots has changed in my life since I last worked here would be an understatement. I mean, for starters; social media barely existed, smart phones weren’t all that smart and technology in general was no where it is today. I had 3 young kids at the time who are all in their 20’s now. I was happy and I was healthy and so were they. There was no internal struggle as to how I would manage to get out of bed each morning and drive to work on time and I most definitely wasn’t having to balance a full-time job while trying to manage the state that my mental health is in today, let alone all the neurological issues I’m now living with every single day. I can barely sit in one place for very long anymore which makes it difficult to focus at times. I have become so beyond sensitive to every noise or gentle touch that I hear or feel, my brain zaps on and off throughout the day, my eyes are out of focus, especially when I’m exhausted (which is often), my hands and feet feel tingly and numb and shaky for a good portion of my day and I am constantly twitching and having spontaneous and unrelenting spasms in my body day and night. I’m now also having to juggle several different appointments all at once lately while trying to somehow “fix” all of my physical issues, and continue to work through my mental health ones at the same time. Continuing to focus on both these areas of my life right now still need to somehow be my top priority, no matter what. I know many may think or feel that maybe having a job to go to everyday will be a good distraction for me but unfortunately, distraction or not, it will not miraculously wipe away all of my mental and physical health issues; which at this very moment I’m actually more fearful could make them worse. But do not fear because you are talking to someone who is the Queen of wearing a “mask” in most social settings, smiling through her depression and has mastered the art of how to “fake it til I make it”.


A healthy distraction for me will be ensuring that I continue to also make time for what has truly become my greatest passion in life over the last 5 or 6 years because no matter what, it’s my advocacy work, speaking engagements, my latest mental health awareness initiative @agentlereminderproject (which has been keeping me quite busy lately) and my blogging that make me feel like I have purpose in this world and the best part about my new job is that there will be opportunity for me to showcase my children’s book “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?” to a very broad and diverse new audience.

So to whoever once said, “you can’t go home again” may not be true at all, although, only time will tell but when I got to meet my new team earlier in the week, before I even knew I’d be hired (but by then my gut was telling me I would be) I felt a very similar vibe to the team I’d worked so closely with all those years ago. The staff may all be new, technology well advanced and the location different from before but from the moment I walked through the door the other day the energy felt right. I was made to feel like I was home again and hopefully just like the old saying goes, “its just like riding a bike, once you learn how to do it you can never forget!”


#newjob #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #worthy #justlikeridingabike #overwhelmed #youvegotthis #suicidalideations #yousuck2022
#blogger #writer #author #advocate #wheredidmommyssmilego #nervoussystem #physicalhealth #therapy 



 

This will forever be one of my proudest, most memorable, most meaningful days of my entire life having the opportunity to share one of my biggest and most purposeful accomplishments of my life on such an amazing platform.
.

#nationaltalkshow #themorningshow #globaltv #parentingplaybook #goals #dreams #wheredidmommyssmilego #childrensbook #author #writer #blogger #mentalhealth #startaconversation #depression

Last June I attended a holistic and spiritual healing group run by a dear friend of mine.

Last night I had the pleasure of attending another session. Unfortunately for me, my nervous system was on “red” alert all evening, making it very difficult to sit still or stay focused at times and I found myself getting quite emotional as one by one, the lovely group of women in attendance shared their stories. My emotions grew deeper with each share and by the time it got to my turn I could barely get the words out. 

Like in June, we each started off the evening by picking two random cards from a deck of spiritual cards. One card with a word written on it, the other, a picture. We were to use the combination of the two cards together as part of our share, giving our own interpretation as to how they connect to our journey. I had a really hard time doing this the last time (see blog; https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2022/06/13/oh-monday-motivation/). My word had been “disgrace” and my picture was that of some silly faced clown. This time around I picked the word “slave” which I easily interpreted as me feeling as though I have been a slave to my disease for the past 8 plus years but if you can believe it, somehow, in that big, shuffled up deck of cards, I blindly chose the exact same picture card again. What are the odds of this actually happening? It’s gotta mean something, right?? I mean, what could this silly faced clown really be trying to tell me??

We ended the evening with a beautiful guided drum meditation and spiritual circle. It was both impactful and empowering.

#healing #thehealingcooperative #spirituality #holistic #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #clownface #makingconnections #nervoussystem #sharingstories #myjourney 

(Click to watch video) https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cl7IyYLpdOF/?igshid=NTFlZDUzZmM=

I recently learned a very beneficial technique which can have many great health benefits for our body; simply by rolling a tennis ball back and forth under your feet for like 30 seconds at a time while practicing your breathwork. 

It’s definitely an easy DYI technique I can do. It’s great for mindfulness practice and relaxation by stimulating the pressure points in your feet which are proven to help calm your nervous system, relieve stress or pain, decrease anxiety, improve your circulation and even help support better sleep habits just before bedtime. 

A foot massage by your partner can also work wonders…or at least that’s what I’ve heard!

#footmassage #tennisballs #mindfulness #breathwork #relaxation #massage #healthbenefits #circulation #ourbody #ournervoussystem #diy #pressurepoints #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #anxiety #depression #stress #pain #sleep #rollingrollingrolling

I had an appointment yesterday with my wonderful pelvic floor specialist Julie. Midway through our session I started to get very emotional. It had nothing at all to do with the appointment itself but suddenly as I was lying there, feeling helpless and vulnerable, something triggered me. Before I knew it, my emotions quickly turned to anger.

I began to see myself in a series of flashback pictures to the person I once was almost nine years ago. I miss her confidence and the brightness in her eyes. 

As the negative thoughts were swirling around in my head I wondered how my life had come to this moment. How did I end up here? Why has my journey been so bloody long and hard? And why does it feel like it will never end?

Life seemed pretty good before April of 2014. I was happy. Then everything changed in a split second and I was not prepared. 

The truth is though, nothing or nobody could ever have truly prepared me for what was to come and that at least I can say I have tried the best I know how to ever since; in my heart I know that has to be enough. Someone said to me recently, something that I need to keep reminding myself of daily is, that as unprepared as I felt, I have somehow found the strength to survive 100 percent of my worst days so far and that I’m still here after all of it and for that I should be most proud.

If you are reading this and you too have found the strength to survive 100 percent of your worst days so far as well, I just wanted to let you know how proud I am of you too for not every moment in life is meant to be savored, some are just meant to be survived!

#selfcare #angerturnedinward #unprepared #selfie #imasurvivor #depression #anxiety #suicideawareness #myjourney #beproud #iamenough #iamnotalone #agentlereminder #pelvicfloorphysio #physio #nervoussystem #pgad #triggers  #mentalhealth