**Trigger Warning ⚠️, mention of suicidal ideations** 

I got a job offer this week. Yay me! (This isn’t the end of the story though)

2022 has really taken a beating on me and my family, like as if life hadn’t already been messy enough before. Accepting the job offer will help lift some of the burden off my family, but certainly not all of it. I should be off celebrating right now but I haven’t been able to bring myself to do so quite yet, in fact, as soon as I hung up the phone call the other morning letting me know that I got the job, the first call I made immediately following wasn’t to Rich or to my kids or even to a friend; instead, my first call was to my Therapist! 

I haven’t held a full-time job for close to  nine years now, not since I walked out on my last job on April 4th 2014. It was the day my journey first began; the day my life as I once knew it changed forever (for anyone who doesn’t know my back story as to how I broke that day, please check out the blog I wrote a few years ago explaining it in detail; 

The irony of my story is that I actually worked for this same organization about fifteen years ago from 2006 to 2009, a big chunk of it being in this exact position. I really enjoyed it because I love making connections with people which is a large part of this job. I thrived at the challenges and if I’m being honest, I think I was pretty good at it too. The energy in the office was amazing. I worked with an awesome team of like-minded ladies; none of whom still work there (and the office location itself has also moved since then too) but I am still very close with one of my old collegues; in fact when I first saw the job posting I texted her, half jokingly and asked if I should apply. She immediately replied back “yes!”. I was still quite hesitant though even if in my heart I knew I would be the perfect candidate for the job. Well, sorta…

You see, all week long, knowing there was a good probability that a job offer was coming my way, instead of being excited and proud of myself, I spiraled; boy did I ever spiral. My mind quickly filled with self-doubt, negative self-talk and yes, even thoughts of suicide. My very depressed, very anxious and extremely overwhelmed and vulnerable mind truly believes that all I am doing is setting myself up for failure and in turn becoming an even bigger disappointment and burden to my family. 

To say that lots has changed in my life since I last worked here would be an understatement. I mean, for starters; social media barely existed, smart phones weren’t all that smart and technology in general was no where it is today. I had 3 young kids at the time who are all in their 20’s now. I was happy and I was healthy and so were they. There was no internal struggle as to how I would manage to get out of bed each morning and drive to work on time and I most definitely wasn’t having to balance a full-time job while trying to manage the state that my mental health is in today, let alone all the neurological issues I’m now living with every single day. I can barely sit in one place for very long anymore which makes it difficult to focus at times. I have become so beyond sensitive to every noise or gentle touch that I hear or feel, my brain zaps on and off throughout the day, my eyes are out of focus, especially when I’m exhausted (which is often), my hands and feet feel tingly and numb and shaky for a good portion of my day and I am constantly twitching and having spontaneous and unrelenting spasms in my body day and night. I’m now also having to juggle several different appointments all at once lately while trying to somehow “fix” all of my physical issues, and continue to work through my mental health ones at the same time. Continuing to focus on both these areas of my life right now still need to somehow be my top priority, no matter what. I know many may think or feel that maybe having a job to go to everyday will be a good distraction for me but unfortunately, distraction or not, it will not miraculously wipe away all of my mental and physical health issues; which at this very moment I’m actually more fearful could make them worse. But do not fear because you are talking to someone who is the Queen of wearing a “mask” in most social settings, smiling through her depression and has mastered the art of how to “fake it til I make it”.

A healthy distraction for me will be ensuring that I continue to also make time for what has truly become my greatest passion in life over the last 5 or 6 years because no matter what, it’s my advocacy work, speaking engagements, my latest mental health awareness initiative @agentlereminderproject (which has been keeping me quite busy lately) and my blogging that make me feel like I have purpose in this world and the best part about my new job is that there will be opportunity for me to showcase my children’s book “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?” to a very broad and diverse new audience.

So to whoever once said, “you can’t go home again” may not be true at all, although, only time will tell but when I got to meet my new team earlier in the week, before I even knew I’d be hired (but by then my gut was telling me I would be) I felt a very similar vibe to the team I’d worked so closely with all those years ago. The staff may all be new, technology well advanced and the location different from before but from the moment I walked through the door the other day the energy felt right. I was made to feel like I was home again and hopefully just like the old saying goes, “its just like riding a bike, once you learn how to do it you can never forget!”

#newjob #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #worthy #justlikeridingabike #overwhelmed #youvegotthis #suicidalideations #yousuck2022
#blogger #writer #author #advocate #wheredidmommyssmilego #nervoussystem #physicalhealth #therapy 


Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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