Dance With Me

Please take a few minutes to read: Trigger Warning ⚠️, mention of suicide, death

I’ve been really struggling this past week with so much of my life. I’m feeling such a disconnect and just unable to focus or concentrate on much of anything. I’m irritable, easily agitated, quick to anger. I’m extremely fatigued and my thoughts feel as though they are on a constant replay reel of helplessness, overwhelm and negative self-talk; all going in slow motion and if I’m to be completely honest here, since learning the devastating news of tWitch’s suicide yesterday, there is now a whole new layer of pain, hopelessness and confusion added into the mix. 

I’m having a difficult time processing it and I feel like I’ve been sucker-punched in the stomach. The news has shocked all of us and given many like myself a reality check. 

As I mentioned above, my depression and intrusive thoughts have been chirping really loudly in my ear this week. I am now just days away from starting my new job, (in case you missed the news, which has only added to my already high level of anxiety, depression, overwhelming fear of failure and that endless loop of self-sabotage that plays in my head. I have convinced myself that I am about to let everyone I know down, once again; including you. I just can’t handle the burden of that happening. But for now I will put on my “mask” and hope that it will be enough to fake my way through each work day, well at least the first one anyways!

I saw this quote last night and it really resonated with me and I wanted to share it with you to try and put things in perspective;

People don’t fake depression. They fake being okay.” ~ Abhysheq Shukla

I want those who still can’t understand the many depths of depression or mental illness to see that it doesn’t matter what the world sees on the outside and that just because we see someone smiling and dancing and laughing all the time it doesn’t mean they are happy or feeling good. If you don’t believe me just take a quick peek at tWitch’s Instagram account (@sir_twitch_alot) where he was last seen celebrating his 9th Wedding Anniversary a few days before his death and then just one day before he took his own life he was seen doing what he loved most in this world; dancing alongside the one person he loved most in this world, his beautiful wife. Does any of this sound like someone who was on the verge of suicide (he even spoke during a recent interview that he wanted to have another baby)?

I know that it’s truly so hard to fathom that someone who brought so much joy to others and lit up every room he entered could have been hurting so much. I know it must also be so confusing when someone leaves us in this way, especially if it is someone we care deeply for and are then left behind holding onto the guilt of feeling like we’d missed all the signs but the truth is, there may not always be any signs at all. Too many people are still too afraid to ask for help for fear they will be judged or shamed. Depression, whether you choose to believe it or not, is a disease which attacks our brain’s ability to function properly, leaving many of us with an inability to think clearly or feel the same way a healthy brain can. But boy can it fake the heck out of being okay. 

So if you’re reading this and are feeling confused, or scared or lonely I’m here to remind you that you are not as alone as you may think you are and that there is always help available and people who are willing to help which is something I am so incredibly blessed to have in my life because sharing my story has given me that feeling of safety and acceptance and allowed me to have the strength and support of an entire community of friends and acquaintances standing beside me who truly care about my wellbeing; so many of whom took the time to reach out to me throughout the day and evening yesterday just to check in to see how I was doing, knowing that the news of tWitch’s sudden passing would have impacted me greatly. 

So for right now as we try to make sense of this tragedy and especially as we enter into the holiday season I am asking that you continue to spread strength and support around. Hold your loved ones a little bit tighter today. Check on your friends, even the strong ones. Help someone in need of support and go ahead and wrap those arms of yours as wide as you can around the person staring back at you in the mirror, even if you despise looking at them. Show kindness to everyone you meet because you truly never know what they are going through. Oh, and one last thing, let’s do a little dance in celebration of tWitch’s life and the footprint he’s left behind on the world.

#twitch #rip #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youdonthavetosufferinsilence #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #itsoktoaskforhelp #endthestigma #youarenotalone #youareenough #showkindness #depression #anxiety #suicidalideations #letsdance

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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