Category: Mental Health

Earlier today I met with the Physician Assistant and Psychiatrist who are working with a team of Neurologists on this new clinical research study I mentioned to you last week in my blog which I had learned about briefly from my Psychiatrist the week prior (https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2022/11/17/would-love-to-hear-your-thoughts/).


Their Zoom platform was not cooperating so we ended up doing it over the phone (maybe it was a sign!).


As I also mentioned in my previous post, I’d sworn to myself months ago that I was done ever being a guinea pig or exploring any other treatment options at this point in my journey as I just feel so done and defeated but here I am once again chasing after any help I can get while consciously considering my next options for treatment.


Today’s meeting was more of the initial intake process before any next steps are taken which would involve me meeting with the Neurologist who is in charge of the actual study. They needed me to answer a laundry list of questions first though in order for them to get a better understanding of my mental and physical health history beyond what they already knew from my Dr’s referral and his notes. General questions about myself, my previous treatments/medications, my current list of any medications or drugs I take, my prior concussion I suffered back in January of 2020 and of course a look into the neurological issues I’ve been dealing with since my last clinical trial back in April.


Then we got into the procedure itself. There are actually 2 options to consider. Both of course are experimental (hence the guinea pig!) but both completely based on research and evidence!


The Psychiatrist dove right into option number one which is the procedure I told you about in my blog called “Deep Brain Stimulation”. I knew from the brief conversation with my Psychiatrist as well as from my own personal research I’d begun doing right after my appointment that it was a pretty invasive procedure but as I listened to the Doctor explain it in a bit more detail (although he said the Neurologist could explain it better), I suddenly felt a surge of adrenaline come over me and began to feel nauseous and shaky. I wanted to throw up right there and then as I was listening to him speak. All I heard as the brain fog set in were the phrases; major surgery, drilling electrodes into my scalp, shaving parts of my head, long term up keep, regular visits to hospital and daily maintenance; to say I was done listening by this point was an understatement. There was absolutely no need to continue our conversation further but then he proceeded to tell me about option number two which is considered MUCH less invasive, “scalpless”, no surgery involved, no regular maintenance or upkeep and I would be guided through the whole procedure wide awake through a “Focused Ultrasound” where the machine itself selectively targets the regions of the brain where Depression is most known to affect. This, if I qualify given my history and current physical status would be something to possibly consider but I still need several more questions to be answered first by the Neurologist. 


After our call ended, which lasted about 40 minutes, I fell apart. For the past 8 plus years now and through every new obstacle I’ve encountered I have had to continually convince myself that I can do the hard things. As humans we are wired to naturally avoid doing things that make us feel uncomfortable so how do I once again tell my brain to try something hard when my gut is telling me that it’d be so much easier to just give up.


But what if the next hard thing becomes the answer? I know in my heart that I don’t want to live out the rest of my days in this pain. I know in my heart I want to find some relief and that no one should ever be denied the opportunity or deny themselves the opportunity to find the relief they so desperately want and deserve. 


I have asked myself many times, “Would I be okay living out the rest of my days satisfied with how I am feeling right now?” Well the answer is clearly NO which has to mean that I should give myself a fighting chance, but at what cost to me?; because at this very moment in time I am having a really hard time actually believing that I can overcome my mental illness and that maybe this is just my plight in life.


#feelingscared #unsure #deepbrainstimulation #focusedultrasound #brainsurgery #electrodes #beinghuman #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #myplight #caniactuallygetbetter #treatmentresistantdepresssion #clinicaltrial #evidencebased #research #psychiatry #neurology #consult #guineapig  

Today is “Giving Tuesday” which has become a recognized day of giving all across the Globe. It takes place on the first Tuesday after Black Friday and is a day for people to give back and/or volunteer for their favourite causes and Non-Profits.

“Giving Tuesday” is also the official kick-off to the holiday season, better known as the “Season of Giving”.

December is about making human connections and bringing good will and simple joy to others so whether that includes supporting your favourite charity, cause or campaign; buying or donating a hot meal/coffee/leftovers to someone in need; letting someone know how much you appreciate them; volunteering your time by helping out an elderly neighbour or listening wholeheartedly to a friend who may be facing a difficult time right now; whatever or however you so choose to honour today and the final stretch of 2022, always remember that the smallest acts of kindness can create the biggest smiles. Be the reason someone smiles today 😊.

And of course don’t forget to keep some kindness for yourself as well; Go ahead and give yourself permission to be kind to you 😊.

#givingtuesday #kindnessisfree #agentlereminder #spreadkindness #randomactsofkindness #youareenough #selfcare #selflove #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #checkonyourlovedones #wereallinthistogether #strongertogether #bethereasonsomeonesmilestoday @agentlereminderproject

Merriam-Webster has chosen the word “Gaslighting” as 2022’s “Word of the Year”. It has earned its top spot by becoming one of the most searched up words on the web this year.

Gaslighting, now a clinical term which at its core is a form of emotional abuse and psychological manipulation; very common tactics used by Narcissists. 

A Gaslighter will stop at nothing to spin their “negative, harmful or destructive words and actions in their favour, deflecting the blame for their abusive deeds and pointing the finger at you.” ~ Aletheia Luna. They are intentionally setting up their victims to distort their understanding of reality and make them question their own memory, perception, facts, feelings and overall sanity by being patronizing and controlling. 

A victim of Gaslighting will often find themselves apologizing for something they hadn’t even done and most Gaslighters will stop at nothing to minimize a person’s thoughts and emotions, especially towards individuals who may be in abusive relationships or suffering with a mental illness by making an already vulnerable person feel “overly sensitive”, “paranoid”, “too emotional”, “mentally unstable”, “unhinged” and filled with self-doubt; they are also quick to label their victims as “crazy”, “insane”, “bipolar” or “hysterical”. Sadly, the stigmas surrounding domestic abuse and mental illness can sometimes make it very easy for people to get away with this type of emotional abuse and psychological manipulation. 

A gentle reminder…if any of this resonates with you, just know that you are not “crazy” but that you are instead being manipulated by a very toxic individual and this is never acceptable behaviour.

What word(s) do you think should be added to this year’s Merriam-Webster dictionary?

#wordoftheyear #domesticviolenceawarenessmonth #dictionary #2022 #merriamwebster #gaslighting #emotionalabuse #psychologicalmanipulation #mentalillness #mentalhealth #agentlereminder #narcissists 

I woke quite suddenly in the middle of the night after a very brief sleep.

I became disoriented and confused. My heart began pounding out of my chest, I couldn’t catch my breath, I went into an almost instantaneous fight or flight mode as the thoughts in my head quickly escalated and then, just like that…I found myself in the midst of a full blown panic attack.

Yep, just…like…that…

#panicattacks #panic #mentalhealth #justlikethat #fightorflightresponse #youareenough #youarenotalone #racingthoughts #itsveryreal #anxiety

Today Rich and I went on a #summerofrich adventure with gratitude in our hearts.

Today we feel grateful for the warmth of the sun.

Today we feel grateful for the wind in our faces and our breath in the crisp Fall air.

Today we feel grateful to be able to move our bodies.

Today we feel grateful for the beauty surrounding us in nature.

Today we feel grateful for the bright blue sky.

Today we feel grateful for the love we have for one another. 

Today we are feeling grateful for the kindness of strangers. 

Today we are feeling grateful for all the incredible support and friendship in our lives.

#gratitude #grateful #gratitudeinourhearts #nature #kindnessofstrangers #love #support #friendship #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youarenotalone #youareenough 

*Trigger Warning ⚠️; talk of substance abuse*

I recently read Matthew Perry’s new memoir where he tells the harrowing story of his battle with addiction for the better part of 30 years. He’s now 54.


Although we welcomed funnyman character “Chandler Bing” into our hearts and homes for 10 of those 30 years as part of the Friends ensemble, most people watching him onscreen had no idea that Matthew himself was in the fight of his life or just how sick he truly was.


He begins his memoir by introducing himself with a very powerful statement, saying, “Hi, my name is Matthew, although you may know me by another name. My friends call me Matty. And I should be dead.” 


That’s actually an understatement!!


As I turned each page, I felt every ounce of Matthew’s pain as he delved deeper and deeper behind the scenes and into his deeply personal account of what his life has looked like for nearly 30 years now which includes a look inside his somewhat complex relationships with those closest to him, trying desperately to fall in love and find his happily ever after, attending thousands upon thousands of AA meetings, his lies and deception, his drug dealers and crooked doctors, his overwhelming tales from inside the 15 plus rehab centres, mental health institutions and sober living facilities he’s been admitted to (he calculated that he has spent over 7 million dollars doing so) and the numerous near death experiences he’s encountered from years and years of substance abuse including having his colon explode about 5 years ago; his family being told he had a two percent chance of survival, then spending weeks in a coma, 5 months in hospital and close to 20 surgeries since then in order to repair it.


Staying sober has now become Matthew’s main focus and top priority in his life, that, and writing. He has achieved more than 18 months of sobriety to date. But his journey with sobriety will never end, it is a conscious and sober decision he and others just like him make every morning when they wake up and something he and millions of others work very hard at to achieve every single night. It may take a lifetime for him to heal from his past traumas, especially those from his childhood along with all the emotional scars that he carries with him because unlike our physical wounds, the emotional ones can have a much more lasting impact on us. 


He is not alone in this and as Matthew can attest to, it takes time and effort to start healing from our emotional scars, one step at a time. Being vulnerable enough to share his story with the world and giving hope to others like himself who battle these very scary and often lonely demons of drug and alcohol abuse was definitely a great first step forward. 


We all carry emotional scars with us. These scars allow for an opportunity to grow and learn and find purpose and strength. We don’t have to allow them to define us but they certainly tell a piece of our story; the piece most worth fighting for that is. One part of Matthew’s memoir that really stood out for me happened when he recalls a conversation he had with fellow actor and mentor Martin Sheen while in the throes of his addiction battle. This brief dialog exchange may seem so insignificant to someone who has never really struggled with a mental illness before and although the dialog was summed up in one very short paragraph it still left a very powerful and lasting impact on me in relation to my own personal journey and the emotional wounds I bare yet somehow I continue to fight like hell to find the strength to fight for my life each and every day.


Martin turns to Matthew, knowing how much he needed to hear these words and said,


“Do you know what St. Peter says to everyone who tries to get into heaven?” “Peter says, ‘Don’t you have any scars?’ Knowing that most would respond proudly, ‘Well, no, no I don’t.’ Peter says, ‘Why not? Was there nothing worth fighting for?'”

*If you or someone you love is battling an addiction please know there is help available. 


#nationaladdictionsawarenessweek #addictions #drugs #alcohol #aa #rehab #soberliving #sobriety #memoir #writing #emotionalscars #stpeter #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #itsoktonotbeok #itsoktoaskforhelp #youarenotalone #youareenough #friends #startaconversation @mattyperry4

I had my very first taste of a traditional American Thanksgiving feast tonight (on Canadian soil), celebrating friendship and love with our American family and newest Canadian Citizen!!

I’m truly thankful 😊, blessed 😇, a bit stuffed 🦃and so overwhelmed with gratitude 🤗 for moments like these 💝!

#americanthanksgiving #traditions #America #ohcanada #proudlycanadian #friendship #family #love #hospitality #thankful #grateful #familymatters #gobblegobble #everythingsbiggerinamerica #mentalwellness #makingmemories

Please take a few moments to read: *Trigger Warning ⚠️; talk of suicide, attempt of suicide*

Another Dr. Phil plug today. As I’ve mentioned many times before (and just as recently as a month ago), I love Dr. Phil, I tape his show every day and would give just about anything to meet him which is still something I am clinging to as many of you may recall that for my birthday in June of 2019, Rich and the kids bought me front row seats to see him live and on stage in Niagara Falls that November but due to a scheduling conflict his show was rescheduled for May of 2020 just a week before we were set to see him…and well we all know what happened next; Covid happened and there has yet to be a new date announced! I’ve still got the tickets and until we get a notification that it’s been cancelled I will hold out for hope that one day, sooner rather than later, he returns!!!

Anyways, back to why I really started talking about Dr. Phil. This week he did a two part episode which he spent talking about the overwhelming mental health crisis in teens and young adults today. He had several guests speakers on over the 2 day period but there was one guest in particular who I can’t stop thinking about. Her name is Emma Benoit. She is 22. She attempted to take her life when she was 16 years old.  Thankfully she survived but she is now confined to a wheelchair.

She told Dr. Phil that she had an instant regret when she made the choice to take her life 5 yrs ago. Emma, like so many people who are contemplating suicide don’t really want to die, they just want their pain to go away; a feeling I know all too well and although she may have only been 16 at the time of her attempt, the narrative she told herself in the weeks and months leading up to it sounded eerily familiar to me. She said she felt like a burden and that everyone would be better off without her. On the outside Emma was always smiling and had a seemingly perfect life. She was a cheerleader, popular and beautiful; who would’ve ever taken her seriously she thought, what could she possibly have to be depressed about, which was why she never felt safe to open up to anyone for fear she’d be judged, including by her loving and supportive family because she was never taught that it’s okay to have these feelings and that even people like herself can have these feelings or that there is actually someone out there willing and wanting to listen. 

To further add to the conversation, Dr. Phil invited Ross Szabo to speak alongside Emma. Ross is an award winning mental health speaker, advocate and author who spoke about 2 very important topics. First, he spoke about the new 9-8-8 suicide and crisis lifeline which for now is only available in the States but in the short time this new platform has been available, statistics show that there has been a 40 percent increase in the amount of callers. So it’s proven to work, only needing to dial 3 digits when in crisis as opposed to a 10 digit 1-800 number can be lifesaving and I look forward to this new and very effective pilot project making its way across the border soon.

The latter part of the show led to another very important discussion we need to be having which is in regards to implementing more mental health education in schools today; teaching students about mental health awareness, teaching students coping mechanisms for real life challenges and stressors, teaching students how to overcome the stigma, teaching students to recognize when things are off balance or out of order for them, teaching students what is okay and what is not okay in their home, teaching so students are more aware of what healthy normal thoughts sound like and what do not. These teachings need to extend into every student’s home as well in order to also help normalize conversations in their home so they feel safe if and when they need to ask for help and that they know it’s more than okay to ask for help.

Emma, much like myself has found purpose in telling her story and we share a similar goal, hoping that by sharing our own pain and suffering it will encourage someone else to stand up and say, “I too have those same feelings and thoughts”. If even just one person listening reaches out for help without any shame or stigma attached is worth it all and I’m pretty sure her appearance on the Dr. Phil show in front of millions of viewers may have helped save that one life yesterday, along with plenty more!

Her powerful and brave journey toward healing is now being shared with the world in a feature length documentary that was released last year called “My Ascension”. 

#youthmentalhealth #yourlifematters #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #depression #anxiety #teensuicide #suicideandcrisislifeline #988 #itsoktoaskforhelp #drphil #emmabenoit #rossszabo #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youareenough #youarenotalone #teachinschools #changetheconversation #itsoktonotbeokay #purpose #savinglives #advocacy 

https://www.facebook.com/reel/2069033339964370?sfnsn=mo&s=F5x8gs&fs=e&mibextid=6AJuK9

Calming my nervous system and racing thoughts today using a deep breathing technique with daily affirmations. Breathing in…I am…Breathing out the rest of my affirmation.

I am…safe, I am…strong, I am…okay, I am…worthy, I am…alive, I am…beautiful, I am…enough

#deepbreaths #affirmations #inhale #exhale #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #calmingmynervoussystem #racingthoughts #iamsafe #iambeautiful #iamworthy #iamalive #iamstrong #iamenough #iamokay

Just a quick update to the blog I posted last week titled “Would Love To Hear Your Thoughts” after meeting with my Psychiatrist (see link below in case you missed it).

I received a call this afternoon from the Psychiatrist’s office who is conducting the DBS (Deep Brain Stimulation) clinical study (as mentioned in my blog) to schedule me in for a consult with the Doctor/ Collegues of my Psychiatrist who are heading the research.

My appointment is set for early next week.

Upon an initial discussion with my Psychiatrist late last week about my potential participation in this study his first thoughts were that I probably had some time to think it over as he didn’t expect I’d hear anything from the clinic until early January, but it looks like they ain’t wasting any time!

I know that this is only just a preliminary consultation to discuss what my participation in the study will look like for me and to gather more information as well. It will also likely be one of several steps taken before I’d even be approved (or not approved) for the study itself (from personal experience!). I’m not sure how mentally or physically ready I am for all this right now but I guess in the meantime I better start preparing my list of questions for next week. I know one thing is for certain, there are sure to be lots!

https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2022/11/17/would-love-to-hear-your-thoughts/

#herewegoagain #clinicaltrial #deepbrainstimulation #treatmentresistantdepression #mentalhealth #guineapig #research #study #psychiatry #anxiousasheck #dontbeafraidtoaskquestions #breathe