Category: Mental Health

We’ve all heard the sayings; “Dance like no one is watching” and “Sing like no one is listening” but does the same hold true for writing? Should we be able to write like no one is reading? 

I’ve been blogging now for over five years and I’ve shared a lot of very intimate details about my life while doing so but I’ve also found myself needing to hold back a lot as well. On several occasions I’ve felt the need to censor my words as to not offend someone or at other times I’ve thought to myself, there is no way in hell I can publish this for fear of being criticized.

I’ve wanted to write a book for many years now; long before I even considered publishing my children’s story. People ask me all the time if I will ever write a memoir or maybe publish a collaboration from the 100’s of blogs I’ve written thus far but I’ve been very hesitant to do so because well, if truth be told, I still don’t have that perfect ending to my story yet that everyone wants or expects to read nor am I quite sure I am ready to publish the parts of me that beg the question “is it okay to write like no one is reading?”

The truth is though, I did start writing a memoir several years ago, starting from my earliest childhood memories. I was sitting by myself one afternoon in a booth at a nearby Tim Hortons; pen in hand, a blank notebook laid out on the table and a laptop charging next to me. Prior to the Pandemic, I would spend quite a bit of time escaping to that same Tim Hortons restaurant, often sitting in that same booth; observing the faces and body language of strangers who sat near by; so many of them alone like me. I often imagined what stories they were needing to tell but mostly I went there hoping to find a quiet space to gain some inspiration and find the courage to start writing my own story, the whole story.

But then one day I just stopped writing it because many things from my past became too painful and too personal to share but Brene Brown has reminded me that, “Courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.” 

I’m feeling very stuck right now, with little motivation and I am extremely vulnerable, possibly more than I’ve ever felt before. Most days lately I barely have enough strength just to get out of bed due to my physical and mental health and several other more personal struggles which are causing me to spiral right down to my complicated past. With my growing list of current day struggles I am living through, it has brought up memories of my past which are haunting me greatly as well as complicating some already very complicated relationships in my life which are making me feel as though I really don’t belong here at all anymore but I also know that much of my pain is from not sharing the things that keep me feeling stuck. Somedays I feel like I’m an imposter yet my goal has always been the same since I began sharing my story which is to help others by sharing my own pain and the triumphs too. I know it’s scary but I also know that it’s made an impact and helped save lives which is why as every new obstacle unfolds in my day to day life I feel an even stronger urge to pick up that pen again and finish where I’d left off several years ago.

To quote another very empowering best selling author, Mandy Hale, “Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.” 

I probably have enough material by now to talk for years about mental health and the parts of my story I’ve been too scared to share and as terrifying as all this sounds, I also feel like now may be the perfect time to dust off my notebook, take that pen in hand again and charge my laptop in order to open the pages I’ve kept closed for so long. I just wanna write so I can be true to myself and help reach the audience it’s meant to so that no one ever feels alone in this great big messy beautiful world. 

So to answer my question above; Should we be able to write like no one is reading? I think it’s pretty clear, Hell ya!

And to all those reading this with pen in hand and blank pages of a notebook to fill, just remember…your story matters too.

#writelikenooneisreading #author #memoir #writing #blankpage #blogger #mystory #wholeheart #growth #impostersyndrome #brenebrown #mandyhale #suicideawareness #trueself #youarenotalone #youareenough #yourstorymatters #mentalhealth

Today I had my first in-person appointment with my Psychiatrist since March of 2020 when my appointment which had been scheduled for March 16th was abruptly cancelled due to everything being shut down. I was set to start a new treatment that day which didn’t end up happening for another 18 months. 

Having spent the last 32 months using the hospital’s online portal as my main source of communication with my Psychiatrist has been nothing short of convenient and has also helped put my mind at ease by not having to navigate my way through the downtown core, spending 45 mins to an hour in my car each way or stressing myself out trying to find parking (I hate driving at the best of times!) but there is still something to be said for being face-to-face with someone, especially when it comes to making proper eye contact and reading a person’s body language which are both equally important to me. 

There was lots to catch up on today since my last appointment a few weeks ago (my next appointment will be back online!) which included a discussion he told me he’d been very afraid to bring up to me during our last several sessions given what I’ve been going through both mentally and physically over the last 7.5 months due to my participation in the clinical trial, but our conversation today kinda led us in a direction which gave him a perfect opening to discuss what’s been on his mind. He told me that he has been in touch with a colleague of his at a nearby hospital who is conducting another clinical research study for individuals like myself who suffer with “Treatment Resistant Depression” and have found no relief from other treatments such as ECT, Ketamine and Psilocybin. Which, lucky me, I’m 3 for 3 for. 

He then told me that he has mentioned my case with his colleague already knowing I could potentially be a perfect candidate for the study. 

The treatment is called “Deep Brain Stimulation” (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deep_brain_stimulation) and is already quite successful with patients who suffer with certain neurological disorders like Parkinson disease and Epilepsy (I not only suffer with treatment resistant depression but I now suffer with neurological damage as well since my treatment! Woohoo!). 

It is a bit of an invasive procedure which for starters worries me and of course if there is even a one percent chance of patients experiencing any adverse effects from it, my luck it will be me.

I swore months ago that I was done ever being a guinea pig or exploring any other treatment options at this point in my journey as I just feel so done and defeated but I told him that I would consider meeting with the Doctor via Zoom to at least learn more details, likely in January. 

Would love to hear your thoughts. 

#Psychiatry #inperson #online #facetoface #clinicalstudy #deepbrainstimulation #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #treatmentresistantdepression #ECT #ketamine #Psilocybin #defeated #hospital

https://www.facebook.com/reel/837435574067147?sfnsn=mo&s=F5x8gs&fs=e

When your hubby sees you start to spiral, he quickly deflects the situation by running you a warm bath with lots of lavender bubbles. (See video attached)

#somedays #selfcare #Iloveyoutothemoonandback #wellnesswednesday #lavender #bubblebath

https://www.facebook.com/reel/871709954210653?sfnsn=mo&s=F5x8gs&fs=e (please watch)

Taking That First Step To Therapy 

Lately I’ve been noticing an influx of people reaching out to me to talk about therapy and wanting to find a therapist. This truly makes me very happy as I am a strong believer in therapy but,  unfortunately there is still such a stigma around it. 

Many people delay taking that first step into therapy because making that initial decision to do so can be a very overwhelming and sometimes burdensome one to make and can often be met with tons of apprehension. People also have a fear of the unknown or a fear that they will be judged or shamed by their friends, family or even their own therapist if they enter into therapy. I also know that the struggle to find a good therapist or one who you feel a deep connection to can be hard.

But whatever your fear or struggle or apprehension may be, just knowing that you are thinking about it means that you are likely ready to take that first step through that door to a safe space with a trained professional who can help you to organize your thoughts and feelings and a place where you can go and be able to “say what ya wanna say” as you begin to work your way through any past grievances or present day transitions in your life that may be holding you back from having a better future. 

Therapy is not just for people who have experienced trauma in their life or who are in distress, it’s also the perfect place to seek out opportunity for growth and self-improvement. So go ahead my brave warriors, take that first step because you deserve the something better that’s waiting for you on the other side of that door; all you gotta do is “let the words fall out”.

Please feel free to reach out anytime. I’m always happy to help anyone and everyone take that first step.

#talktherapy #brave #itsoktoaskforhelp #itsoktonotbeok #startaconversation #saywhatyawannasay #growth #selfimprovement #trauma #distress #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #takethatfirststep #connection #letthewordsfallout @sarabareilles

As a parent we want more than anything to be able to protect our children from this great big messy, sometimes scary but also very beautiful world. 

In order to do so we will often stop at nothing to lie to our kids, avoid many big truths or jump in too quickly to try and “fix” their pain. Unfortunately though by doing so we are not necessarily helping pave the way for them to grow into resilient, adaptable adults who have the ability to feel their own feelings & experiences, navigate their own way through the world or gain the proper tools to cope with the “hard stuff”.

Instead, as Dr. Becky Kennedy, a parenting expert who I follow on Instagram (@drbeckyatgoodinside) points out in her most recent post, we need to “prioritize truth over comfort” when it comes to our children.

I had a real “AHA” moment this morning when I first saw Dr. Becky’s post where she outlines the differences between “Protection Mode” VS “Preparation Mode” in parenting. 

Using the “Preparation Mode” was the exact reason why I chose to publish my children’s book. Children need help navigating their “tough feelings” by leaning into them, owning them, embracing them and validating them with the loving support of trusted adults in their life instead of sending them the message that it’s okay to avoid the “hard stuff” by “prioritizing comfort over truth” which could lead to a child feeling invalidated, worried, fearful or stressed if they aren’t given the proper coping mechanisms they will need in order to deal with that “hard stuff” by the time they reach adulthood. 

I grew up in a home that centered around the “Protection Mode” as I believe many others probably did too. I lacked the ability to feel my own feelings & experiences, navigate my own way in the world or gain the proper tools I needed to cope with the “hard stuff”. Instead I timidly listened behind closed doors. And now, years later and through the help of lots of therapy I can finally see a connection between that little girl and the journey it led me to in my adult life, but the more open and honest we are with our kids today, the less alone and better prepared our future generations will be when leaning into the “tough feelings”.

#ourkidsmatter #preparationmode #protectionmode #adulthood #copingmechanisms #thehardstuff #truth #itsoktoshowourfeelings #resiliency #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #itsoktonotbeok #parentingishard #prioritizetruthovercomfort #wheredidmommyssmilego #author #blogger #advocate 

Trigger Warning: Talk of Eating Disorders, Body Dysmorphic Disorder 

I can’t stand looking in the mirror. Or at pictures of myself for that matter.

I’ve had a very unhealthy relationship with my body since I was 18 years old when the first signs of an eating disorder took flight; long before my battle with Depression and Anxiety began. I’ve spoken very openly through my blogging about the struggles I went through to overcome an eating disorder in my early 20’s but I’ve also admitted that for the last 30 plus years I’ve been on a very bumpy rollercoaster ride that has found me dealing with many of the psychological affects of “Body Dysmorphic Disorder” causing me to go from one extreme to the other at different times in my life by restricting my food intake to binge eating and self-induced purging. None of which are healthy behaviours and all of which can have very dangerous repercussions.

Struggling with depression for more than eight and a half years now has only further triggered my unhealthy relationship with my body, especially after so many failed attempts at medications led to a nearly 100 pound weight gain about 5 years ago, making it more and more difficult for me to find reason to love and accept myself and has instead kept me stuck in a place of self-hate and focused on my perceived flaws.

When I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or in pictures I usually begin by talking shit about myself which, sadly seems to have become one of my greatest strengths, instead of trying to step outside of myself to see how others perceive me, both inside and out, but the bigger issue is, I usually don’t believe them. 

This is especially true when I am at a very low point in my journey like I am experiencing at the present time and I find myself using my distorted body image as reason or a viable excuse for why certain opportunities or goals are not being met.

I am very conscious right now that I have once again entered a danger zone and that I need to let others know I am feeling this way in order to somehow help me take control of the situation. I’m 51, I’m actively dealing with symptoms of perimenopause, I have dark circles under my eyes from sleep deprivation, I battle Depression, Anxiety and Suicidal ideations daily, I have neurological damage from my treatment back in April which has limited my ability to function like I once did and I’m way more irritable than ever before; so I should probably try to cut myself a bit of slack too? Right? 

And I should also probably try to appreciate all that my body can do and keep reminding myself that being imperfectly perfect is okay. I should also probably try to see myself as a whole person and the person I want others to see me as, I should also probably try and overpower my negative self-talk with more positive affirmations and gentle reminders, and I should also probably keep reminding myself everytime I look in the mirror or at a picture of myself that beauty is a state of mind, not a state of your body.

I’m exhausted but what helps me most right now though is knowing that I am also probably not alone.

#eatingdisorders #bodydysmorphic #distortedmind #bodyimage #bodypositivity #triggers #depression #anxiety #suicideawareness #suicidalideations #negativeselftalk #possitiveaffirmations #agentlereminder #perimenopause #irritability #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youarenotalone #youareenough #imperfectlyperfect #mirrormirroronthewall #unfiltered

Today is World Kindness Day. 

Kindness is one of the greatest gifts we can bestow upon another human being. 

True kindness means giving of yourself without any expectation of gaining something in return. 

Kindness never goes out of style. 

Being kind is cool.

“No act of kindness, no matter how small is ever wasted” ~ Aesop

And the best part is…Kindness is free, so don’t forget to give some to yourself too!!

How can we spread more kindness in the world today?

#worldkindnessday #agentlereminder #kindnessisfree #spreadkindness #bekind #kindnessiscool #kindnessisagift #bekindtoyourselftoo #mentalhealth 

@agentlereminderproject 

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid024TZDLhXmaL7n1LPToqhWto8zLCUbZnKEYtKize6G4usYSoCXLphNqgk9KWxoSAr2l&id=100000734852540&sfnsn=mo

Over the past month I’ve been working with Julie who I first told you about several weeks ago to help desensitize my overly sensitive nervous system. And although the slightest touch or noise continue to sound the alarm bells off in my body, making me want to crawl out of my skin many times a day, I am learning new techniques and have been given some great new tools to work with each session. My body is still not responding well to all of them but together we are finding a balance of what exercises, breathing techniques and holistic practices may or may not be helpful for me. 

As I’ve mentioned many times before, I have also been anxiously waiting to hear from the specialist’s office that my Psychiatrist referred me to 6 plus months ago which I still wanted to keep in my back pocket as I continue to live with this unbearable and unrelenting trauma that my body has endured since my treatment back in April. Yesterday I received a call with a follow-up email informing me that they have scheduled an appointment for me mid January. Unfortunately it’s still 2 months away and is only an initial intake appointment via zoom with the Doctor’s assistant but hey, it’s a start. 

Self-advocacy does work because had I not reached out to the specialist’s office on my own last month where the kindhearted receptionist on the other end of the line listened to my pleas and offered to put my name on their waitlist in order to prioritize my queue in the system I’d still be waiting several more months before I received this call.

In the meantime I am making small strides every day in my efforts to calm my distressing symptoms down by continuing to work regularly with Julie (the practitioner) to incorporate as many of the practices I’m learning through pelvic floor physio into my daily routine; that my body will allow of course and still with the hope that by the time I actually have a face to face appointment scheduled with the specialist sometime in the new year that I will no longer need his assistance. 

Here are a few simple but effective pelvic exercises I learned this week called “Face The Day” that have now become part of my morning routine (see video attached).

#selfcare #selfadvocacy #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #pelvicfloor #physio #facetheday #pgad #clinicaltrial #nofilter #youarenotalone #youareenough  

Let me reintroduce myself…

I am a wife to an amazing husband, a mom to 3 beautiful children and 1 sweet fur baby.

I’m a blogger, a mental health advocate and an author of a children’s book.

I am a reality TV junkie.

I don’t drink coffee but I like ice caps with skim milk.

I love hiking.

My family means the world to me.

I may be broken but it’s beautiful. Be you.

#imbrokenbutitsbeautiful #wheredidmommyssmilego #familymatters #mentalhealth #itsoktonotbeok #beyourself #hellomynameis #youareenough #hiking #icecaps #pettherapy #author #blogger #advocate #realitytv

Saturday night was such a special evening for Rich and I and the one thing that made it truly spectacular was being surrounded by genuine love and meaningful friendships, many spanning decades; ALL equally meaning the world to us.

I am very lucky to have so many incredible friendships and whether we’ve been friends for 2 years or 200 they all hold a special place in my heart, even though many may not have been included in our celebration Saturday as this was a celebration intended just for Rich, to honour Rich and HIS friendships.

Either way, at the end of a much needed reprieve from life this weekend it really got me thinking about the meaning of true friendship; that plus a recent Facebook post I happened upon that really triggered me. But after some quiet reflection last night about the Facebook post and Rich’s birthday celebration, I now understand that what had triggered me was actually a good thing.

Friends should make you feel safe and this recent post brought me back to a time not so long ago when I didn’t always believe I deserved better from some relationships in my life; it brought me back to a time where I allowed myself to feel “less than” in some of my friendships and it brought me back to a time where I often allowed myself to be talked down to or continuously gossiped about. 

It also brought me back to a time when I couldn’t see how toxic and negative these relationships truly were or that having an illness which fills me with a lack of self-worth made me believe that I didn’t deserve better. Adult friendships should never be that hard.

True friends don’t keep score and happy people don’t intentionally go around making others unhappy. They don’t belittle people or make endless fun of them to their face or behind their back either.

It’s taken me a long time to work through the sadness of how much I allowed myself to be in toxic relationships, how much I allowed myself to sit at the “mean girls” table or ride the bus with the “schoolyard bullies”. It’s been a difficult journey accepting the truth about who some people really are and I never want to let myself go back there ever again. 

Find your people. I did. Trust me, they are out there.

Would love to hear if any of this resonates with you.

#truefriendship #toxicrelationships #celebratefriendship #triggers #selfworth #mentalhealth #meaningfulrelationships #youarenotalone #findyourpeople #youareenough #reflection #healthyboundaries #acceptingthetruth