Earlier today I met with the Physician Assistant and Psychiatrist who are working with a team of Neurologists on this new clinical research study I mentioned to you last week in my blog which I had learned about briefly from my Psychiatrist the week prior (

Their Zoom platform was not cooperating so we ended up doing it over the phone (maybe it was a sign!).

As I also mentioned in my previous post, I’d sworn to myself months ago that I was done ever being a guinea pig or exploring any other treatment options at this point in my journey as I just feel so done and defeated but here I am once again chasing after any help I can get while consciously considering my next options for treatment.

Today’s meeting was more of the initial intake process before any next steps are taken which would involve me meeting with the Neurologist who is in charge of the actual study. They needed me to answer a laundry list of questions first though in order for them to get a better understanding of my mental and physical health history beyond what they already knew from my Dr’s referral and his notes. General questions about myself, my previous treatments/medications, my current list of any medications or drugs I take, my prior concussion I suffered back in January of 2020 and of course a look into the neurological issues I’ve been dealing with since my last clinical trial back in April.

Then we got into the procedure itself. There are actually 2 options to consider. Both of course are experimental (hence the guinea pig!) but both completely based on research and evidence!

The Psychiatrist dove right into option number one which is the procedure I told you about in my blog called “Deep Brain Stimulation”. I knew from the brief conversation with my Psychiatrist as well as from my own personal research I’d begun doing right after my appointment that it was a pretty invasive procedure but as I listened to the Doctor explain it in a bit more detail (although he said the Neurologist could explain it better), I suddenly felt a surge of adrenaline come over me and began to feel nauseous and shaky. I wanted to throw up right there and then as I was listening to him speak. All I heard as the brain fog set in were the phrases; major surgery, drilling electrodes into my scalp, shaving parts of my head, long term up keep, regular visits to hospital and daily maintenance; to say I was done listening by this point was an understatement. There was absolutely no need to continue our conversation further but then he proceeded to tell me about option number two which is considered MUCH less invasive, “scalpless”, no surgery involved, no regular maintenance or upkeep and I would be guided through the whole procedure wide awake through a “Focused Ultrasound” where the machine itself selectively targets the regions of the brain where Depression is most known to affect. This, if I qualify given my history and current physical status would be something to possibly consider but I still need several more questions to be answered first by the Neurologist. 

After our call ended, which lasted about 40 minutes, I fell apart. For the past 8 plus years now and through every new obstacle I’ve encountered I have had to continually convince myself that I can do the hard things. As humans we are wired to naturally avoid doing things that make us feel uncomfortable so how do I once again tell my brain to try something hard when my gut is telling me that it’d be so much easier to just give up.

But what if the next hard thing becomes the answer? I know in my heart that I don’t want to live out the rest of my days in this pain. I know in my heart I want to find some relief and that no one should ever be denied the opportunity or deny themselves the opportunity to find the relief they so desperately want and deserve. 

I have asked myself many times, “Would I be okay living out the rest of my days satisfied with how I am feeling right now?” Well the answer is clearly NO which has to mean that I should give myself a fighting chance, but at what cost to me?; because at this very moment in time I am having a really hard time actually believing that I can overcome my mental illness and that maybe this is just my plight in life.

#feelingscared #unsure #deepbrainstimulation #focusedultrasound #brainsurgery #electrodes #beinghuman #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #myplight #caniactuallygetbetter #treatmentresistantdepresssion #clinicaltrial #evidencebased #research #psychiatry #neurology #consult #guineapig  

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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