Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.
Once upon a time when I felt confident in my own skin I loved dressing up. I loved a good party with music and dancing too. My illness destroyed all that for me long ago. But as I put on the finishing touches before heading out the door to celebrate with one of my oldest and dearest friends and her beautiful family at the Bat Mitzvah of their daughter tonight, a night I’ve had in my calendar for over a year now, I am not going to allow the distorted reflection I see staring back at me in the mirror hold my mind hostage this evening or try and ruin my night by spreading vicious lies or untruths.
I am also taking some backup ammunition with me as well tonight to help try and avoid a wicked flare-up from happening to my body this evening which is most likely to occur from all the loud and amplified noises in the room and vibrations from the music (just one of the many fun neurological issues I now live with daily since my treatment last April).
*Trigger Warning ⚠️, sensitive topic: please do not read if you feel it could be triggering; talk of suicide, medical assistance in dying (M.A.I.D), treatment resistant depression.
Depression is living without hope. It’s living with a lack of interest in the things that once brought you joy. It’s living with the difficulty to focus on stuff. It’s living with a cloud of darkness hovering overhead. It’s living with constant fatigue whether you sleep for days on end or a few hours a week. It’s living with the feeling that you want to die.
Depression is not one size fits all, it is so many different things to so many different people but the one thing I can tell you for sure is, it can be a very lonely place to live.
When I was first diagnosed with Depression back in April of 2014 my doctor prescribed me my first antidepressant; a week or two later she got me in to see a Psychiatrist who then added another medication into the mix.
They didn’t work, and boy was I ever naive as to what was still yet to come.
I have since spent the better part of 9 years trying over 20 different concoctions of antidepressants, all of which caused further damage to my body and mind (and I finally needed to come off them all together), alongside one failed treatment after another. ECT, Ketamine, acupuncture, natural remedies, CBT, support groups, inpatient programs, Neurofeedback and Psilocybin have been among them; but to be honest, I’ve lost count as to how many others there have been.
It wasn’t too long into my journey, I think a couple of years at most, when I was further diagnosed as having what’s commonly known as “treatment resistant depression”.
A third of all people diagnosed with Depression do not respond to treatment which can in turn raise the risk of suicide among those living with persistent depression.
I’ve been to that very dark and scary side too many times to count throughout my journey, but none more than I have over the last year; a year that I recently described as being, by far; the hardest, cruelest, toughest year of my life emotionally, physically and personally.
All I’ve ever truly wanted over the last 9 years is to be able to live life again. I’ve kept fighting time and again through every failed attempt at medications and treatments for something, anything at all, to finally spark some glimmer of hope but with each passing day I feel like that goal is near impossible, especially since the sudden onset of all my neurological issues that occured last April after participating in the Psilocybin clinical study; only adding more fuel to the fire and creating so many additional roadblocks for me.
He was conflicted but obliging to my wishes and asked for some time while he did some more research on it for me which included reaching out to a colleague of his to share my story with him and gain further incite.
He told me yesterday that the network which his hospital works under no longer offers M.A.I.D to their patients and that it has all been moved to a Provincial/Central Intake Department now which I would need to connect with directly to find out what and when or if I’d be eligible under its new legislation. He forwarded me the necessary information and contact details via email right after my appointment, assuring me that he would help me fill out any required forms I may need signed by him to complete the process when the time comes. He also let me know that my case most likely falls under a very gray area right now.
I’ve survived so much over the past 9 years that has meant to destroy me, much of which I feel already has. I plan to make that initial phone call next week. It doesn’t mean I will pursue it any further than that right now but for my own mental health and peace of mind I need to at least collect all the necessary data, data that may or may not help keep me going while I continue searching for that glimmer of hope.
A wise friend told me recently that she sees me as that last stubborn bowling pin that refuses to fall down, let’s just hope she’s right.
I received a follow up phone call this afternoon from the complaint I made a few weeks ago to my local police department in reference to the incident that took place in my home on the evening of January 15th (in case you missed it, click here: https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2023/01/21/i-need-to-be-that-voice/).
The officer had originally reached out to me about a week ago via email letting me know that he had been assigned to my OIPRD Public Complaint for investigation and wanted to take the opportunity to discuss the concerns addressed in my complaint, as well as the OIPRD mandated modes of resolution.
We arranged a time for him to call me today over my lunch hour. He told me he is a retired police officer who is now an Investigator with the Internal Civilian Investigations board.
Although he had read through my letter in preparation for our call he wanted to hear from me personally what had happened that night and what he can do to help.
We spoke for close to an hour. He listened intently and asked me to share my journey with him over the last 9 years and what ultimately led to the event in my home last month. He said that although he can’t ever begin to know how I feel he said he can definitely understand how difficult my fight for survival has been, especially over the past year. He was genuinely concerned for my safety and wellbeing in the moment.
He then apologized for what I’d gone through with the police officers last month even though he knew I was not blaming the actual officers themselves who I’d reiterated were kindhearted and just following the department’s policies and procedures. He then admitted to me that although he has seen many important changes take place during his long career with the police force in how they conduct themselves when dealing with people in mental health crisis, he knows that it’s still nowhere near where it needs to be. He also admitted that unfortunately the YRP department, (York Regional Police, who I dealt with) are one of several departments who still have very limiting resources.
Before our call ended he spoke briefly about the mental health support team who works with their police department and asked if it would be okay if he reached out to them “immediately following our call” to get their incite on my story. He continued by saying that he strongly believes that my story needs attention and knows how important it is for officers to look at how they can do better by listening to people and advocates like myself sharing their experiences and giving their personal input in order for these necessary changes to be made.
He said he would follow up with another phone call soon…As I hung up the phone I felt my voice being heard.
He loves me when I’m at my best and continues to hold my hand through my worst.
Love means having unconditional support built on a mutual respect.
Love is weathering the storms in life together and always being reminded of your self-worth.
Love doesn’t have to always equate to romance.
Love is about cherishing all the people in your circle.
It’s about caring deeply for someone and wanting to see them happy and ensuring that you are a part of it.
Love isn’t shown by a date on the calendar. It’s made up of all the little moments we encounter with our loved ones each and every day throughout the year.
Speaking from the heart is something I thrive on; somedays my life feels like it truly depends on it.
Speaking from the heart means being able to say what you want to say, the way that you, and only you can say it.
Speaking from the heart allows you to be heard, and be seen; it can also have a very positive impact on others as well.
Speaking from the heart can sometimes come with regrets or even consequences but doing so before it’s too late may be imperative.
Speaking from the heart means being genuine, real and truthful; it should never include empty promises.
Speaking from the heart means exposing your vulnerabilities, your flaws and your most intimate feelings; it takes a great deal of courage to do so.
Speaking from the heart will bring about a connection with others when you are able to share your thoughts openly and honestly.
Speaking from the heart means knowing your self-worth and allowing yourself to take off your “mask” in order to do so; this will come with many rewards too.
I needed to have a very difficult conversation recently with several of the people I love. My life truly depends on it right now. I came prepared and I practiced lots beforehand. I wanted to ensure I felt heard, and seen as well.
It was filled with such raw emotions. It was genuine, real and truthful. I exposed my many vulnerabilities, my flaws and my most intimate feelings. I was honest and they were too.
I hope in the end that it had a positive impact on everyone involved because it took a lot of courage for me to be able to have this conversation in the first place.
It felt so incredibly empowering allowing myself to speak purely from my heart.
“If you want your voice to be heard, speak from your heart.” ~Wes Fesler
Even if you may not believe it; even if you no longer know truth from reality anymore.
Even if, from where you are standing you can’t see how much you matter to someone.
Even if it’s so hard to feel it through all your pain and perceived failures.
Even if you hate the sound of your own voice; that same voice that brings music to someone else’s ears.
Even if you can only taste the bitterness in your life right now.
Even if you can’t smell the beauty that surrounds you.
Remember that your gifts, your smile, your warm embrace, your love, your inner beauty, your dreams, your talents, your passions, your purpose; they have all touched someone in this world.
I made this hoodie to wear as a note to self and as a gentle reminder for anyone else who is reading it to know that the world is better with “YOU” in it too.
Contact me today to order your own @agentlereminderproject hoodie, crew neck or t-shirt and help spread the word.
Becoming unapologetically me means not having to hide who you are or be who you think others want you to be.
Becoming unapologetically me is about having the ability to express yourself without letting the fear of being judged by others get in your way; it means taking off your mask and showing your vulnerabilities.
Becoming unapologetically me is about not needing validation from others to feel like you are enough.
Becoming unapologetically me is not allowing yourself to get caught up in our innate human desire to fit in or be accepted by others.
Becoming unapologetically me means embracing your imperfections.
Becoming unapologetically me means not apologizing for letting go of what no longer serves you.
Becoming unapologetically me means protecting your own energy.
Becoming unapologetically me allows you to free yourself of past traumas, triggers and grievances.
Becoming unapologetically me means putting yourself first and being at peace with the decisions you make, especially the ones that come from your heart.
Have you ever imagined what your funeral would look like?
I know it probably sounds a bit crazy to some of you reading this but for someone like myself who lives with a constant cloud of darkness overhead, a debilitating anxiety disorder and overwhelming thoughts of suicide neatly tucked away in her back pocket; sadly, it kinda feels pretty normal to me, and especially of late.
For anyone who has ever visualized what their own funeral would look like, what do you imagine most? Do you imagine how your loved ones will celebrate your life? Who will show up? Will some of them come with regrets?
Asking ourselves many of these questions while bringing about a sense of urgency to it can actually be a great exercise to try. Think about the regrets you don’t want to leave behind or the goals you still want to achieve; think about them with the uncertainty of how much time you have left on this earth before you die because as we all know, tomorrow is never promised.
I know that thinking about your own mortality may seem creepy or make you feel uncomfortable but think about all the things that people would say about you at your funeral or what you hope they will say, the kind of person you were and how you lived your life. Will it make them smile? Would it make you smile? Then try thinking of all the things that people haven’t said about you yet; the things that you want people to be able to say about the legacy you leave behind. What gifts of yours would you want to ensure also get left behind?
Confronting our own mortality can put many things into perspective. It causes us to take pause and change our priorities; like in our relationships or finding meaning in our life or the light we bestow on others or the ways in which we want to give back to society.
Is it your fear of death that overwhelms your thoughts or is it your inability to let go of the things you cannot control.
What is one thing you would do today if tomorrow wasn’t promised?
Today I had a meeting with the Executive Director of “The International Crisis Response Association”. Rachel is a Mental Health Advocate and the driving force behind the “non police crisis team” pilot project which launched in 4 regions of Toronto in early 2022. Both Peel and Durham regions are actively working toward joining the program.
Rachel and I were recently connected by a mutual friend and fellow advocate.
The project’s main goal is to be an alternative model of crisis response and provide community led solutions to mental health crisis calls and wellness checks.
Since its conception, 911 has successfully diverted 78 percent of their crisis calls to their 211 team of mental health professionals like social workers and nurses who are sent out right away to de-esculate a situation with no police involvement whatsoever. They are there to provide the individuals with proper resources and support; with less than 10 percent of incidences ever resulting in a trip to the hospital.
For someone like myself who was recently traumatized by an unnecessary police presence in my home during a mental health crisis which resulted in me being handcuffed and taken to the emergency room in a police cruiser and being treated like I was a criminal, I can tell you what a relief it is to know that this program exists and is making a difference; not to mention saving valuable police resources and money.
The reason for our meeting today was to discuss with Rachel the next steps that need to be taken in order to now try and get York Region on board as well with this amazing and much needed pilot project. I live in York Region.
First she needs to find out whether or not the Police Service Board or City Council have yet made a motion or if by some miracle, it’s already been passed 🙏. If not, the first step will be to get it on their Agenda ASAP. It shouldn’t be a hard sell…we hope!
The reason our mutual friend connected us was because we both have experienced our broken healthcare system and we both find advocacy work so empowering. Rachel asked me if I would be willing to go before City Council and pehaps the Police Service Board as well if necessary, to share my story. I said yes right away!
Ironically I also finally received a follow up email today from the “Office Of The Independent Review Board” from the letter I wrote to the Complaints of Policies and Procedures Department of the York Regional Police last month following the incident that took place in my home (in case you missed it, click here; https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2023/01/21/i-need-to-be-that-voice/).
After reviewing my complaint they determined that it relates to a policy involving the York Regional Police Service (see pic attached). It sounds like it could take at least 2 more months until I hear anything more but any progress for change is a definite step in the right direction.
I made a conscious decision long ago to speak as openly and honestly as I possibly can about these thoughts publicly, allowing others who may also be struggling with similar ideations, a safe place to land when they are feeling scared or alone.
I know that sometimes it may be very overwhelming, even heartbreaking for some people to read, especially if you have never struggled with your own mental health or dealt with a loved one who has which is why I completely understand and respect anyone who may choose to unfollow me, but I am not going to stop fighting for those who do gain comfort and support from my posts. And I know that there are 100’s who do.
The most important thing we can all do for someone who is experiencing suicidal ideations is to provide them with hope and validation. I know that this can be a very stressful position to be in for many and although you may not always know exactly what to say in the moment or always agree with them, ensuring the individual in distress feels safe is first and foremost. It’s also so imperative to avoid messaging that will add to their already overwhelming feelings of shame, guilt and being judged.
And even though it is often so difficult for people to know exactly what to say when facing someone who is feeling suicidal like myself, I know that their words are coming from a place of love and probably even fear. Sometimes though certain phrases can do more harm to the individual in crisis.
Some of these phrases may include:
“Things aren’t that bad”
“Other people have it much worse”
“How could you even think about that?”
“Suicide is selfish”
“Think of the people who love you”
“Why not try exercising or going out more”
“Have you tried meditating?”
“This to shall pass”
Although very well-intentioned, to a person who is experiencing suicidal ideations, these phrases invalidate the severity of someone’s pain.
While in the throes of suicidal thoughts and ideations, my brain struggles to believe that if I died tomorrow anyone would miss me. During the most distressing times, like the one I’ve been struggling to get through for the better part of a month now, my depressed brain continually tells me that I am a burden to everyone who loves me, I’m destroying their lives by being alive and that they would be much better off without me, happier too; even if they try and tell me otherwise.
My heart continues to fight my brain’s perspective as best it can, but the brain is a very powerful machine. Deep down, my heart knows it will leave an emptiness in someone else’s heart, that I will be missed and that my loved ones would not be better off without me.
My heart has also bared witness to and felt the devastation from families I know who have lost a loved one to suicide. One such suicide loss survivor is someone with whom I admire and respect greatly.
Yesterday afternoon I received a beautiful, heartfelt and heartwrenching message from another such suicide loss survivor who I know of from the community and have met briefly. She is one of the strongest, bravest people I know and has been following my journey for some time now and although my blogs can sometimes be triggering to read she wanted me to know that they have helped her in her healing process to see through a lens for which her loved one was struggling and which ultimately led to him taking his own life nearly 5 years ago; his devastating loss has been felt every day since by both her and her son.
The pain and suffering that a suicide loss survivor goes through, never goes away and I am so beyond grateful to have the strength and guidance of these 2 incredible women in my life to remind me that my loss will leave an emptiness in someone else’s heart, that I will be missed and that my loved ones would not be better off without me.
Their words and perspectives are coming from the most loving place of hope and validation and have left an imprint on my heart.
Suicide is a symptom of depression. It should never be looked at from a place of shame, guilt or judgment.
YouAreEnough 
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