Another Day, Another Consult

I’m beyond emotionally done with this week already and it’s only Wednesday. 

I was having a really hard time processing everything from my appointment yesterday afternoon with the Neurosurgeon but your many messages of love and strength have been very much appreciated (in case you missed it, 

Rich tried to talk to me on our long drive home. I didn’t have much to say. I was mostly numb, almost indifferent from the moment I left the hospital. 

I promised myself I would take a few days to let it sink in. I wanted to wait until my appointment tomorrow with my therapist and early next week with my Psychiatrist to really try and gain perspective on everything I learned yesterday but then late last night while I was all alone with my thoughts it hit me; it hit me real hard.

My emotions are running awry at the moment so having another previously scheduled consultation this morning has only added to the overwhelm and confusion I’m already feeling. This time it was with a sexual health specialist in San Diego who I spoke about a couple of weeks ago in a blog. He is a world renowned Guru I’d found through my own research, testimonials I’ve read online, a Facebook group I now belong to and several specialists I’ve spoken with who have all referred to his 100’s of research papers (through their own Google searches) he’s published on the topic of one of the many other conditions I’ve been dealing with since last April. The one that’s been the most difficult to navigate and the reason I started looking outside of Canada for help because almost every referral my Psychiatrist has made for me over the past year has been turned away as most doctors here are not fluent in my condition. 

Another promise I made recently after speaking with the advisor on the M.A.I.D team, my healthcare team and all of you was that I would exhaust all avenues I have left before making a decision to pursue M.A.I.D or take matters into my own hands.

It’s becoming more and more difficult though. I’m no longer just dealing with a mental illness. I’m also dealing with unbearable and unrelenting neurological and physical issues too and with each one of my conditions comes new specialists and treatments to look at and at this point in time they each come with their own set of barriers and obstacles including yesterday and today’s consults.

My one condition we discussed today is rare, incurable and therefore difficult to treat but I felt understood when speaking with the doctor. He broke it down into 5 separate parts for me and explained each one; focusing mostly on my brain as the possible root cause of it which makes most sense to me given how it all began. After asking me about my history and symptoms they explained in detail the abundance of tests they would likely perform along with an actual thorough examination and a more focused MRI. I can barely get in the front door to see a specialist willing to even look at me in Canada as they don’t know how to treat this condition but like with every other new pursuit I’m after right now as I try to exhaust all my options, this too comes with no guarantees and it also comes at a hefty cost; an American dollar cost that is. 

For now I guess all I can do as I begin to process the past couple of days is add it to my list of options while I desperately try and hang on to hope.

#pgad #sexualhealth #Guru #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #sandiego #specialists #whatdoidonow #treatmentresistantdepresssion #Psilocybin #clinicaltrial #help #wheredoigofromhere #noguarantees #overwhelmed #promises #hangontohope #youareenough


Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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