Cuffed

Trigger Warning ⚠️, talk of suicide, self harm

Sorry in advance for the long post today but I haven’t written in days and I just needed to try and clear my head somewhat. I hope you can take a few minutes to read through it.

It’s been beyond an exhausting week. I’ve stayed away from as many triggers as I possibly can since the start of the week (including social media). Unfortunately though many of the triggers I’m experiencing right now feel so far out of my control; my neurological issues and my new job being just two of them; but 2 HUGE ones among so many others to say the least.

Starting back to a full-time job last month after almost nine years wasn’t supposed to add a boatload more stress to my already overwhelmed life; it was only supposed to help lift some of the burden at home but instead it’s actually made things worse for me. The workload is too much for just one person to handle (even someone with a healthy brain) and there seems to never be enough hours in the day for one person alone to ever catch up. A part of me knows that I am putting way too much undue pressure on myself which just comes along with the territory of living with a mental illness and being a perfectionist.

But I’ve tried to focus as much as I can on my self-care this week while I continue to process everything that happened last weekend. I’ve been left extremely traumatized by the events that took place, especially what ultimately led me to be taken away from my home Sunday evening in handcuffs (in case you missed it; https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2023/01/16/7017/).

It’s not the first time I’ve dealt with the police during a mental health crisis over the past almost nine years, rode in the back of a police car during a mental health crisis or been held involuntarily in an emergency room for an undisclosed amount of time during a mental health crisis; but Sunday night was most definitely the first time I’d been put in handcuffs during a mental health crisis.

Having a mental illness is NOT a crime but when police get involved in a mental health crisis those lines seem to get blurred. Apparently it has become standard practice for police to now handcuff an individual who is being transported to hospital during a mental health crisis, even if they are not showing signs of aggressive behaviour or go willingly like I did. All it’s actually doing is escalating the situation further as it did for me, making the situation worse and creating an even bigger stigma surrounding mental illness. And let’s not forget your loss of dignity. 

I’ve been in a zombie-like state ever since; feeling sluggish, withdrawn, quick to tears and unable to focus on much of anything, other than the very conflicted and intrusive thoughts that continue to swirl around in my head day and night.

I know I scared the crap out of Rich on Sunday night and he had every right to call the police given my erratic behaviours and psychotic state. I left him very little choice. But knowing that the reprucussions of displaying such erratic behaviours and disclosing your intrusive thoughts to a loved one could result in the police showing up with handcuffs again could likely result in deadly consequences next time for a vulnerable person like myself. Voicing my intrusive thoughts or acting upon my suicidal ideations now comes with an added level of fear of ever being put in a similar situation like that again. How will me being taken to the hospital in the back of a cop car in handcuffs motivate me to ever want to share my vulnerabilities ever again. It’s difficult enough for people struggling with their mental health to find proper treatment but how does treating them more like a criminal than someone who is sick gonna help anyone? 

If I wasn’t already traumatized before, I sure as hell am now. 

All week Iong I’ve received messages from friends and acquaintances alike,  checking in on me daily and telling me how strong and brave I am. How needed and loved I am. How much I’ve helped someone feel less alone or seen as more than just their illness. Please know that I am doing the best I can to hold on to all your love and light for dear life right now ♥️. 

#mentalhealth #handcuffs #police #suicidalideations #suicideawareness #suicideprevention #depression #intrusivethoughts #vulnerability #overwhelmed #grateful #traumatized #triggerwarning #treatmentresistantdepression 

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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