*Trigger Warning ⚠️
Every year the third Monday in January is labelled as “Blue Monday”. Although there are some really good concepts surrounding this theory as to why today is deemed the most depressing day of the year, I also know that having depression doesn’t just last for one day per year (see Blog for more info from January 2018: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2021/01/18/depression-is-not-a-one-day-sales-event/).
But right now today feels like the bluest day of my life after Rich needed to call the police again last night while I was in crisis. I begged and pleaded for him to hang up (I will not be sharing any details publicly as to what actually transpired beforehand, I will just say that I am beyond overwhelmed right now and it feels like every aspect of my life is falling apart by the millisecond).
The police arrived before Rich had even hung up the phone. Four very intimidating, but compassionate officers came stomping up the stairs (with their wet boots still on 🤬) to meet me in my bedroom where I’d been trying to take refuge under my weighted blanket. They asked Rich to please stay downstairs.
I tried to tell them I was ok and had calmed down but between Rich’s detailed report to them both on the phone and in person they were obligated to take me to the hospital to be further assessed and demanded (as kindly as possible) that I get up “voluntarily” and take me in ASAP. I felt like a criminal.
After arriving at the hospital the emergency room doctor immediately “Formed” me (which means I can be held in hospital for up to 72 hours involuntarily). Security then handed me some hospital scrubs, socks and a plastic bag to which I was to place all my belongings in; including my shoes, clothes, wallet, cell phone and my dignity).
The nurse offered me something to calm me down. I refused. Security stood guard all night. I slept some. A crisis worker woke me around 5 AM to talk to me. I was very disoriented. Then I waited very anxiously and very impatiently for the Psychiatrist to arrive “sometime” in the morning so I could be further assessed. It felt like forever. All I had was a clock on the wall to stare at and pass the time. After we finally spoke, at length she agreed to release me and sent my Psychiatrist a report to follow up with me.
I got home around noon today and immediately took a quick shower to wash off the hospital grunge.
Although I was and still am feeling very shook up, numb, traumatized, exhausted, weak and very angry at myself and the world around me I made it in to work by 1pm. Rich drove me, thankfully because I was too shaky to drive on my own and it’s a good thing he did because we had to make a detour around a small plane which had crashed onto the road earlier this morning on the very route I take to work every day. That detour would have sent me into total panic mode.
The overwhelm of how much work was waiting for me had I not gone in felt way more distressing at that moment than anything else.
I am home now and resting once again under my weighted blanket. Tomorrow is another day.
If you or someone you love is in crisis please don’t hesitate to reach out to a crisis responder for help. Canada: Suicide Prevention 1.833.456.4566 (check your local listings).
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