Author: Kim Fluxgold

I had a Zoom call yesterday morning with the Assistant to a Specialist my Psychiatrist referred me to 8 long months ago. After our brief conversation she said she needed to relay her notes back to the Doctor to see if he would be able to help me. She was honest right from the get-go and told me she had her doubts. My lengthy list of neurological issues have basically stumped every one I’ve encountered thus far, most of whom choose to pass the buck; many without even meeting me in person first. My favorite one so far has to be a phone call I had back in July with a Neurologist who told me “a circuit broke in my brain the day of my treatment and hopefully it will fix itself one day.” 

*Newsflash, it’s going on 9 months next week and if anything it’s actually been getting worse as each new layer of stress is added to my life.

The Assistant called me back later in the day like she said she would to let me know her hunch was right and that I should think about exploring other avenues but that the doctor would be willing to examine me in person if I’d like (insert sigh here). 

I’ve been exploring every possible avenue for like forever and a day now. I’ve continued to fight back against both my mental and physical health time and time again so that I don’t feel like I’m merely surviving but each time I just keep getting hit with another roadblock and have to start from scratch.

I’m exhausted. I’m starting to feel as though I’m a lost cause and that nothing or nobody can “fix me”. I honestly just want to give up. I don’t know if I have the strength to fight anymore, maybe merely surviving is all I have left in me.

Sorry, it’s just been one of those days.

#deadend #merelysurviving #nomorefight #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #depression #anxiety #pgad #brainzaps #neurologicaldamage #igiveup #passthebuck 

https://www.facebook.com/reel/1174101279876988?mibextid=9drbnH&s=yWDuG2&fs=e (click link to watch link attached)

I may say this alot but it never gets old. I am BEYOND lucky to have so much genuine love and support in my life. I am feeling especially grateful right now for all the encouraging messages and texts (and on my social media pages too!) I received from friends and loved ones throughout my day yesterday just letting me know they were thinking about me and wanting to make sure I was doing okay. The kindness continued well into the evening with many more friends, acquaintances and loved ones making sure I survived day one of my new job and letting me know how proud they were of me.

Spoiler alert: I did survive day one (I know you all had faith I would) but not without its many challenges. At times I wanted to break down in tears and run for the nearest exit (which happens to be right across from my desk). 

Yesterday left me feeling mentally exhausted and physically torchered. I came home from work, collapsed on the couch and then asked Rich to give me a double dose of Ativan to help calm me down and assure I could get some sleep last night. I slept 6 full hours…in a row (thanks to that double dose); something I haven’t done in forever. I don’t remember the last time I slept more than 2 hours consistently. The thought of sitting up ruminating all night while feeling so mentally exhausted but still unable to close my eyes sounded even more excruciating than normal. 

You know it’s pretty easy for me to hide behind my mask (a metaphoric one that is) in front of others which now includes my new colleagues who have no clue to what extent (or at all really) that I suffer with my mental health morning, noon and night or even what it took for me to just get out of bed Monday morning in order to get to work at all.

But now I’ve got another whole layer of neurological issues I’m dealing with on top of everything else which have become much more difficult for me to mask because many of them present themselves on the outside. When I’m feeling overwhelmed, anxious and exhausted these issues seem to be exasperated and yesterday was no exception. Just hearing the sound of laughter echoing throughout my office during the day or hearing the sound of doors opening and closing made my entire nervous system feel like it was on fire, causing my symptoms to flare up really badly. When I’m at the point of no return it becomes impossible to focus, sit still or concentrate on even the simplest of tasks. At one point in the afternoon while sitting with my new boss who was showing me around the computer program I will need to learn (definitely a major change since I worked there some 15 years ago) she began to notice my uncontrollable and unbearable twitching and spasms. I liken myself these days to that of a Mexican jumping bean.

And even though she couldn’t see what was happening on the inside, especially the severe nausea, numbness, tingling and shakiness that come along with my flare ups, she noticed my odd behaviours that I so desperately tried to hide and then she asked me if I was okay. 

At that moment I wanted to run and hide. I was so embarrassed. I tried to laugh it off, I didn’t want her to see my flaws, I didn’t want her to regret hiring such a hot mess but I also didn’t want to feel like I needed to apologize either. As I tried to laugh it off, embarrassed and feeling ashamed I told her I am dealing with some issues at the moment, hence needing time off here and there for upcoming appointments which she had been totally cool with, in fact she is totally cool. I promised her when I am ready I would share more. She too then nervously laughed it off and we continued with the task at hand (she was probably thinking, what the heck have I gotten myself into). 

I was off today as per a couple of those previously scheduled appointments I had booked prior to being hired (one of which helped me with some breathing techniques and exercises I can try and do while sitting at my desk when my flare ups get really bad) and tomorrow morning I have another such appointment on Zoom (with the specialist’s assistant I have been waiting almost 9 months now to speak with). I will go to work after I am finished our call. For me, easing in slowly and training while it is seemingly quiet during the next couple of weeks is probably the best thing for me right now.

As per my new boss who is amazing and patient and caring, I’m wondering if she regrets that she probably didn’t google my name before offering me the job!

#firstdayrecap #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #nervoussystem #neurologicaldisorder #pgad #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough #pelvicfloor #depression #anxiety #suicidalideations #mentalillness #onedayatatime #myhealthcomesfirst #physicalhealth #myjourney #blogger

Feeling a whole lot of feelings today.

#dayone #thejourney #destinationunknown #heregoesnothing #theroadinfrontofme #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough #anxiety #panic #depression

From our family to yours,
Happy Chanukah.

May peace, love and joy come to you during the Festival of Lights.

#happychanukah #peacejoylove #cousins #family #festivaloflights

**Trigger Warning ⚠️,  mention of suicidal ideations, suicide

Death by suicide is always shocking and another harsh reminder as to just how fragile life truly is.

I’m having a really hard time coping with so much of my life right now but since hearing the news about tWitch the other morning I’ve become paralyzed by my emotions, that was, until last night when I broke down, allowing a flood of emotions to come pouring out of me all at once. 

I allowed myself to feel all my feelings and burdened Rich with having to listen to it all. I was immediately brought back to the moment when I first heard the news of Robin Williams’ death which to this day I still replay the events of that evening over and over again in my mind. I was just 4 short months into my journey at the time as I sat alone in my car, in distress and contemplating taking my own life just moments before the tragic news of his death even broke. My husband and friends once again not knowing where I’d taken off to and as my phone lit up with text messages and phone calls from loved ones who were concerned for my safety, I turned off my phone. It all felt way too much for me to handle back then and now almost 9 years and sadly many celebrity suicides later I’m completely distraught. I keep asking myself, “What chance do I have?”

I’ve also spent some time reading many of the comments posted online this week, you know the ones I’m talking about;

“But…he had so many resources at his fingertips.”

“He’s so selfish.”

“How could he do this right before the holidays?”

“How can he do this to his family?”

“He had a beautiful home and millions of dollars in his bank account.”

“What could he possibly have to be depressed about?”

“He was always smiling and dancing and happy.”

I wish everyone could understand how very real mental health struggles are. The pain can be excruciating. The darkness fills you with loneliness. The intrusive thoughts overpower you. Depression destroys your brain’s ability to function. When someone slowly dies from cancer or kidney failure we can see it on the outside but unfortunately with a mental illness, you can’t always see its deterioration in the same light, but it’s just as real. 

I know I’ve been super focused on tWitch’s death this week and posting this selfie of me is not meant to garnish sympathy from others, for me it’s about trying to shed more light on the many depths of mental illness, open up important conversations and use my platform as an opportunity to educate others; all things I vow to never stop doing so long as I’m living.

Just be kind. 

#unselfie #floodedwithemotions #startaconversation #kindnessisfree #mentalhealth #mentalillness #depression #mentalwellness #startaconversation #itsoktoaskforhelp #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough 

Please take a few minutes to read: Trigger Warning ⚠️, mention of suicide, death

I’ve been really struggling this past week with so much of my life. I’m feeling such a disconnect and just unable to focus or concentrate on much of anything. I’m irritable, easily agitated, quick to anger. I’m extremely fatigued and my thoughts feel as though they are on a constant replay reel of helplessness, overwhelm and negative self-talk; all going in slow motion and if I’m to be completely honest here, since learning the devastating news of tWitch’s suicide yesterday, there is now a whole new layer of pain, hopelessness and confusion added into the mix. 

I’m having a difficult time processing it and I feel like I’ve been sucker-punched in the stomach. The news has shocked all of us and given many like myself a reality check. 

As I mentioned above, my depression and intrusive thoughts have been chirping really loudly in my ear this week. I am now just days away from starting my new job, (in case you missed the news, https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2022/12/10/how-someone-with-depression-receives-good-news/) which has only added to my already high level of anxiety, depression, overwhelming fear of failure and that endless loop of self-sabotage that plays in my head. I have convinced myself that I am about to let everyone I know down, once again; including you. I just can’t handle the burden of that happening. But for now I will put on my “mask” and hope that it will be enough to fake my way through each work day, well at least the first one anyways!

I saw this quote last night and it really resonated with me and I wanted to share it with you to try and put things in perspective;

“People don’t fake depression. They fake being okay.” ~ Abhysheq Shukla

I want those who still can’t understand the many depths of depression or mental illness to see that it doesn’t matter what the world sees on the outside and that just because we see someone smiling and dancing and laughing all the time it doesn’t mean they are happy or feeling good. If you don’t believe me just take a quick peek at tWitch’s Instagram account (@sir_twitch_alot) where he was last seen celebrating his 9th Wedding Anniversary a few days before his death and then just one day before he took his own life he was seen doing what he loved most in this world; dancing alongside the one person he loved most in this world, his beautiful wife. Does any of this sound like someone who was on the verge of suicide (he even spoke during a recent interview that he wanted to have another baby)?

I know that it’s truly so hard to fathom that someone who brought so much joy to others and lit up every room he entered could have been hurting so much. I know it must also be so confusing when someone leaves us in this way, especially if it is someone we care deeply for and are then left behind holding onto the guilt of feeling like we’d missed all the signs but the truth is, there may not always be any signs at all. Too many people are still too afraid to ask for help for fear they will be judged or shamed. Depression, whether you choose to believe it or not, is a disease which attacks our brain’s ability to function properly, leaving many of us with an inability to think clearly or feel the same way a healthy brain can. But boy can it fake the heck out of being okay. 

So if you’re reading this and are feeling confused, or scared or lonely I’m here to remind you that you are not as alone as you may think you are and that there is always help available and people who are willing to help which is something I am so incredibly blessed to have in my life because sharing my story has given me that feeling of safety and acceptance and allowed me to have the strength and support of an entire community of friends and acquaintances standing beside me who truly care about my wellbeing; so many of whom took the time to reach out to me throughout the day and evening yesterday just to check in to see how I was doing, knowing that the news of tWitch’s sudden passing would have impacted me greatly. 

So for right now as we try to make sense of this tragedy and especially as we enter into the holiday season I am asking that you continue to spread strength and support around. Hold your loved ones a little bit tighter today. Check on your friends, even the strong ones. Help someone in need of support and go ahead and wrap those arms of yours as wide as you can around the person staring back at you in the mirror, even if you despise looking at them. Show kindness to everyone you meet because you truly never know what they are going through. Oh, and one last thing, let’s do a little dance in celebration of tWitch’s life and the footprint he’s left behind on the world.

#twitch #rip #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youdonthavetosufferinsilence #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #itsoktoaskforhelp #endthestigma #youarenotalone #youareenough #showkindness #depression #anxiety #suicidalideations #letsdance

***Trigger Warning ⚠️, mention of suicidal ideations and suicide***

Today is another tragic reminder that battling a mental illness like depression is not by choice and that it does NOT discriminate either. 

We will all remember Stephen “Twitch” Boss as Ellen’s fun loving sidekick on the Ellen Degeneres Show for 8 years; dancing, full of energy, laughing and thriving in a career he loved. 

To the outside world “Twitch” had it all including being adored by millions of fans, great success, a loving wife and 3 beautiful children. 

Depression doesn’t give two shits about any of it. 

I’ve been experiencing many intrusive thoughts myself over the past several days and fixated on my own mortality of late; and now hearing the news of Twitch’s death by suicide today has left a sinking feeling of helplessness and overwhelm in the pit of my stomach. I know what a scary and lonely place it can be.

Today is a reminder to everyone that there is no shame in having a mental illness and that it’s okay to ask for help. 

RIP Twitch. 

You will be missed by so many.

If you or someone you love is in crisis please call 1.833.456.4566 (Canada) or 988 (U.S)

#suicideprevention #suicideawareness #depression #mentalillness #checkonyourlovedones #RIP #Twitch #depressiondoesntgivetwoshits #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #itsoktoaskforhelp #startaconversation #endthestigma

I just completed a big order for cosmetic pouches from @agentlereminderproject for a client. All of them beautiful, one-of-a-kind and “perfectly imperfect” just like the lovely ladies who will be gifted them this holiday season and just like all the beautiful, one-of-a-kind “perfectly imperfect” ladies reading this today. 

As I was making the pouches it reminded me of a quote I’d read recently. Bob Marley was once asked if the perfect woman existed. 

And he replied:

“Who cares about perfection? Even the moon is not perfect, it is full of craters…

And the sea? It’s too salty and dark in the depths.

The sky? Always so infinite. 

That is, the most beautiful things are not perfect, they are special.” 

Our imperfections are what make us beautiful, one-of-a-kind, unique and special. Embrace them. All of them. 

Now say it out loud; I am…perfectly imperfect. 

Contact @agentlereminderproject or DM us today to create your own gentle reminders from a selection of affirmations and sayings for all the beautiful, one-of-a-kind “perfectly imperfect” people in your life this holiday season. 

Keychains, hoodies, pouches, t’s, onesies and socks available. 

#perfectlyimperfect #cosmeticpouches #oneofakind #beautywithin #gentlereminders #wordsofaffirmation #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #holidayseason #bobmarley #embraceyourimperfections