FIRST DAY; THERE WAS DEFINITELY NO ROADMAP (click link to watch link attached)

I may say this alot but it never gets old. I am BEYOND lucky to have so much genuine love and support in my life. I am feeling especially grateful right now for all the encouraging messages and texts (and on my social media pages too!) I received from friends and loved ones throughout my day yesterday just letting me know they were thinking about me and wanting to make sure I was doing okay. The kindness continued well into the evening with many more friends, acquaintances and loved ones making sure I survived day one of my new job and letting me know how proud they were of me.

Spoiler alert: I did survive day one (I know you all had faith I would) but not without its many challenges. At times I wanted to break down in tears and run for the nearest exit (which happens to be right across from my desk). 

Yesterday left me feeling mentally exhausted and physically torchered. I came home from work, collapsed on the couch and then asked Rich to give me a double dose of Ativan to help calm me down and assure I could get some sleep last night. I slept 6 full hours…in a row (thanks to that double dose); something I haven’t done in forever. I don’t remember the last time I slept more than 2 hours consistently. The thought of sitting up ruminating all night while feeling so mentally exhausted but still unable to close my eyes sounded even more excruciating than normal. 

You know it’s pretty easy for me to hide behind my mask (a metaphoric one that is) in front of others which now includes my new colleagues who have no clue to what extent (or at all really) that I suffer with my mental health morning, noon and night or even what it took for me to just get out of bed Monday morning in order to get to work at all.

But now I’ve got another whole layer of neurological issues I’m dealing with on top of everything else which have become much more difficult for me to mask because many of them present themselves on the outside. When I’m feeling overwhelmed, anxious and exhausted these issues seem to be exasperated and yesterday was no exception. Just hearing the sound of laughter echoing throughout my office during the day or hearing the sound of doors opening and closing made my entire nervous system feel like it was on fire, causing my symptoms to flare up really badly. When I’m at the point of no return it becomes impossible to focus, sit still or concentrate on even the simplest of tasks. At one point in the afternoon while sitting with my new boss who was showing me around the computer program I will need to learn (definitely a major change since I worked there some 15 years ago) she began to notice my uncontrollable and unbearable twitching and spasms. I liken myself these days to that of a Mexican jumping bean.

And even though she couldn’t see what was happening on the inside, especially the severe nausea, numbness, tingling and shakiness that come along with my flare ups, she noticed my odd behaviours that I so desperately tried to hide and then she asked me if I was okay. 

At that moment I wanted to run and hide. I was so embarrassed. I tried to laugh it off, I didn’t want her to see my flaws, I didn’t want her to regret hiring such a hot mess but I also didn’t want to feel like I needed to apologize either. As I tried to laugh it off, embarrassed and feeling ashamed I told her I am dealing with some issues at the moment, hence needing time off here and there for upcoming appointments which she had been totally cool with, in fact she is totally cool. I promised her when I am ready I would share more. She too then nervously laughed it off and we continued with the task at hand (she was probably thinking, what the heck have I gotten myself into). 

I was off today as per a couple of those previously scheduled appointments I had booked prior to being hired (one of which helped me with some breathing techniques and exercises I can try and do while sitting at my desk when my flare ups get really bad) and tomorrow morning I have another such appointment on Zoom (with the specialist’s assistant I have been waiting almost 9 months now to speak with). I will go to work after I am finished our call. For me, easing in slowly and training while it is seemingly quiet during the next couple of weeks is probably the best thing for me right now.

As per my new boss who is amazing and patient and caring, I’m wondering if she regrets that she probably didn’t google my name before offering me the job!

#firstdayrecap #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #nervoussystem #neurologicaldisorder #pgad #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough #pelvicfloor #depression #anxiety #suicidalideations #mentalillness #onedayatatime #myhealthcomesfirst #physicalhealth #myjourney #blogger

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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