Author: Kim Fluxgold

Bluest Monday 

*Trigger Warning ⚠️ 

Every year the third Monday in January is labelled as “Blue Monday”. Although there are some really good concepts surrounding this theory as to why today is deemed the most depressing day of the year, I also know that having depression doesn’t just last for one day per year (see Blog for more info from January 2018: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2021/01/18/depression-is-not-a-one-day-sales-event/).

But right now today feels like the bluest day of my life after Rich needed to call the police again last night while I was in crisis. I begged and pleaded for him to hang up (I will not be sharing any details publicly as to what actually transpired beforehand, I will just say that I am beyond overwhelmed right now and it feels like every aspect of my life is falling apart by the millisecond).

The police arrived before Rich had even hung up the phone. Four very intimidating, but compassionate officers came stomping up the stairs (with their wet boots still on 🤬) to meet me in my bedroom where I’d been trying to take refuge under my weighted blanket. They asked Rich to please stay downstairs.  

I tried to tell them I was ok and had calmed down but between Rich’s detailed report to them both on the phone and in person they were obligated to take me to the hospital to be further assessed and demanded (as kindly as possible) that I get up “voluntarily” and take me in ASAP. I felt like a criminal.

After arriving at the hospital the emergency room doctor immediately  “Formed” me (which means I can be held in hospital for up to 72 hours involuntarily). Security then handed me some hospital scrubs, socks and a plastic bag to which I was to place all my belongings in; including my shoes, clothes, wallet, cell phone and my dignity). 

The nurse offered me something to calm me down. I refused. Security stood guard all night. I slept some. A crisis worker woke me around 5 AM to talk to me. I was very disoriented. Then I waited very anxiously and very impatiently for the Psychiatrist to arrive “sometime” in the morning so I could be further assessed. It felt like forever. All I had was a clock on the wall to stare at and pass the time. After we finally spoke, at length she agreed to release me and sent my Psychiatrist a report to follow up with me.

I got home around noon today and immediately took a quick shower to wash off the hospital grunge. 

Although I was and still am feeling very shook up, numb, traumatized, exhausted, weak and very angry at myself and the world around me I made it in to work by 1pm. Rich drove me, thankfully because I was too shaky to drive on my own and it’s a good thing he did because we had to make a detour around a small plane which had crashed onto the road earlier this morning on the very route I take to work every day. That detour would have sent me into total panic mode.

The overwhelm of how much work was waiting for me had I not gone in felt way more distressing at that moment than anything else.

I am home now and resting once again under my weighted blanket. Tomorrow is another day.

If you or someone you love is in crisis please don’t hesitate to reach out to a crisis responder for help. Canada: Suicide Prevention 1.833.456.4566 (check your local listings).


#crisis #suicideawareness #suicideprevention #treatmentresistantdepression #emergency #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youarenotalone #youareenough #police #crisisteam #overwhelmed #bluemonday #bluestmonday #Psychiatry #startaconversation #askforhelp #yourmentalhealthmatters #itsoktonotbeok 

Thank you to everyone for the outpouring of support I (and Rich) received yesterday. Your texts, (missed) phone calls, prayers, social media posts and private messages did not go unnoticed. It truly meant the world to me and I am beyond grateful (in case you missed it: https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2023/01/14/my-friday-the-13th/).

I had hoped that yesterday would’ve been a better day for me but unfortunately it quickly went south and I found myself in an even worse place mentally, emotionally and physically than I’d been on Friday (I didn’t know that could be possible). 

I was inconsolable and in a state of psychosis for most of it; I needed to be watched like a hawk. The pain I’ve been feeling in the last while has become so unbearable and just too difficult to share.

I tried shifting my attention yesterday by taking an afternoon walk in the crisp winter’s air, I practiced lots of breathing and grounding exercises and I immersed myself in water for over 2 hours; but no matter what I did, I still couldn’t fight off or quiet down the noise in my head. By now, the stress had also put my body into an unrelenting flare-up which has spilt over into this morning. 

I felt so desperate at this point to find any way I possibly could to get out of my head, even if it were for just a few hours so somehow (I honestly don’t know how) I mustered up enough strength to put myself together and go to my dear friend’s “80’s” themed birthday/housewarming celebration. 

The 80’s were the most awesome, rocking and totally rad era ever and being able to reminisce about our teenage years during the 80’s while laughing and eating cupcakes and playing 80’s trivia games with old (and new) friends alike really was gnarly and also made me really wish I could go back there right now.

As I mentioned yesterday I have a much needed appointment with my therapist this afternoon but first I will need a couple of hours to get the bottle of hairspray I used to create my 80’s do last night out!!

#thankyou #grateful #youarenotalone #theeighties #selfcare #psychosis #depression #physicalhealth #mentalhealth #friendship #support #celebratethemoments #laughter #cupcakes #memories #totallyrad #youareenough 

Trigger Warning ⚠️ Mention of Suicide 

I was hoping I’d wake up this morning and had only dreamt that last night really happened, but it did happen and it caused chaos and panic to erupt for my family; well in reality I caused the chaos and panic to erupt last night for my family. Ok let me try and rephrase this one more time; in all reality my Depression caused the chaos and panic to erupt last night for my family and it nearly won this time. It came very close. 

I could easily blame what happened last night on it being Friday the 13th yesterday cause I’d felt really off all day, like everything was so far out of my control, even while I sat at work, too busy to catch my breath. I was ready to explode but like anyone who suffers with depression knows, I wore my fake mask and smiled until the workday finally ended around 4:30 pm, at which point I left and got into my car; but I didn’t go home. I went completely MIA instead; for many, many hours. 

Notes were prepared, apologies for being such a burden and failure to my family were sent and a plan was put into place; at which point Rich needed to call the police and I needed to shut off my phone. I have PTSD from my encounters before. 

I did make my way home where Rich came outside to greet me. He had been on the phone with a police officer (not 911) at that very moment, giving them my license number and other information you would give for a missing person, a vulnerable missing person in my case. They were about to send out a team to look for me when I arrived home. I pleaded he hang up. He told them I just returned home and he listened to me by telling them not to come but before he hung up he promised the dispatcher that he’d call them right back if he needed them to send out a crisis team. 

I continued to sit alone in my driveway for another couple of hours though, refusing to go inside and hoping that maybe I’d eventually freeze to death instead. By this time I did allow a friend of mine, a beautiful soul with the most generous heart (who happens to also be a therapist), sit with me on the phone, reminding me of my worth and that my depression was speaking so many untruths. It was no longer Friday the 13th by the time we finished texting and eventually, with a pounding headache, an empty stomach and no more tears left in me, I went inside. The house was quiet. I took a Tylenol (I’m not gonna lie, I thought about taking more), had a “midnight” snack and crawled into bed. 

Again this post is not meant to garnish sympathy, I just need to continue telling my story and letting others who may be in the midst of their own mental health crisis today or maybe tomorrow know that they don’t have to go through it alone. You are not alone. Ever. 

I’m going to try and focus on self-care and healing today which will include Rich and I attending a party that a friend is hosting later this evening where laughter and cake will hopefully be the only medicine I need.

P.S. I’m seeing my therapist tomorrow…  

#crisis #toomuch #mia #youarenotalone #untruths #depression #suicideawareness #suicideprevention #police #family #yourmentalhealthmatters #youmatter #fridaythethirteenth #healing #selfcare #selflove #selfworth #youareenough 

I had an appointment with my Psychiatrist this afternoon. I let him know what happened to me last week when I took a sleeping pill; a pill I’ve taken hundreds of times before, but this time it ended in a trip to the emergency room; (in case you missed it: https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2023/01/03/damn-you-2023/). 

I told him that I am done ever touching another pill ever again, prescribed to me or not. It doesn’t matter if it’s an anti-anxiety medication, a sleep remedy or something that is all natural, eventually I react to them all. It may not happen the first time, or even the hundreth time, generally there is a build up over time, but either way my body rejects them all. 

He agreed that unfortunately it may be what’s best for my body right now. 

Once our Zoom call ended and we hung up, I finally realized that what I really need is not to learn how to control my mental and physical illness anymore but to instead learn how to cohabitate with them and let nature take its course by accepting that it’s a part of me, a part of me that no matter what, will always be there. 

I no longer have the strength to try and fight to live without my physical and mental pain because the more I do lately, the more they seem to be winning.

I’m not looking at this as defeat; it just feels like my reality. 

#acceptance #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #suicideawareness #physicalandmentalhealth #youarenotalone #youareenough #defeat #cohabitate #psychiatry #myreality #sleepingpills #itsoktonotbeok 

A year ago today I wrote a blog titled “The Dash”. It was meant as a tribute to Bob Saget after his tragic and untimely death two days earlier (https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2022/01/11/the-dash/).


Today, in honour of what would have been my father in law’s 90th birthday I wanted to repost the poem again, not only because it is one of my favourite pieces and a timeless classic but because it reminds me of my father-in-law and how he lived his “dash”. He knew what mattered most in life was kindness and to live and love and make everyone he came into contact with, laugh.

To quote what I wrote a year ago, “I am so very blessed to have been a part of your dash Sid.”


***The picture attached was from my father-in-law’s 80th birthday celebration, 10 years ago, surrounded by all his grandchildren who truly loved and respected their Zaidy; life has changed so much since then but our adoration for him never will.

#happyheavenlybirthday #ninety #thedash #livelovelaughter #zaidysid #mentalhealth #whatmattersmost #timelessclassic #mentalwellness #celebrate #kindness

Experiencing so many restless and often sleepless nights leaves me feeling extremely tired and lethargic, making it beyond difficult to get out of bed most mornings or to have any type of regular morning routine. 

Because of my many restless and often sleepless nights, my mornings have become a very sacred time of day for me over the last many years. There is often a calmness that fills the air in the morning and a sense of security which allows me to close my eyes and get some rest; it’s more like a quick cat nap, but eventually it gives me enough strength to get up and start my day. But since starting my new job four weeks ago I no longer have the luxury of time in the mornings and it’s been very trying on both my mental and physical health. 

Having to take pause and make some really big changes to my daily routine in order to get to work each morning has been one of the most difficult adjustments I’ve had to make. Not having that safety net and time of day I enjoyed most anymore is making my transition that much harder. 

Depression can make morning routines feel like hell.

To be completely honest though, I’ve never been a morning person. I can’t even tell you the last time I actually ate breakfast; high school perhaps? But even though I’ve never been much of a morning person, I always managed to function and be productive; the kids were none the wiser growing up. Nowadays however I need to rely on those same kids (well mostly Hannah) to be my alarm clock or Rich, who is already at work, to call me. He and I are polar opposites when it comes to our morning routine; he actually enjoys waking up at the crack of dawn and makes selfcare a top priority in the morning, whereas I leave myself very little time for anything, let alone selfcare; choosing to stay in bed until the last possible second. 

They say your eyes tell us so much more than words ever can; those dark circles under them pretty much say it all.

But I’m doing my best to give myself grace at the moment. 

And as to how the actual job itself is going, well that’s a whole other story for another day.

Are you a morning person or a night owl? 

#morningroutine #nightowl #change #giveyourselfgrace #mentalhealth #youreyes #mentalwellness #selflove #compassion #selfcare #overwhelmed #tired #depression #youareenough

I received an email the other day from a woman who found my Blog and Instagram page online. She lives in Australia! WOW.

I read her email several times (I tried to do so in an Australian accent too!). In it she opens up to me in great detail about her own personal mental health journey. It actually gave me chills as to how eerily similar our stories sounded; right down to us being the same age at the onset of our illness (her illness began though in January of 2018, mine in April of 2014).

Although we may live on opposite sides of the world and have never met one another before, I instantly felt such a deep and emotional connection to her. 

We’ve both tried so many of the same treatments and have been prescribed countless amounts of medications over the years to help treat our anxiety and depression; all of which have caused severe side effects and continue to fail us miserably. We’ve also both experienced what it feels like living inside the four dreary walls of a psych ward on many occasions, we have both experienced dramatic weight gains because of our illness and we both live our lives with the daunting and very exhausting task of trying to survive another day.

For a person who has never felt what it’s truly like to be so close to that edge numerous, numerous times before, it can be very hard to understand or relate to. But having someone to talk to or vent to or just listen to you who truly understands your feelings because they too have lived through a similar experience as you, can be such a gift.

Finding support from people who are able to empathize with what you are going through, even if it’s a stranger you meet at an AA meeting or at a peer support group for individuals who have lost a child, spouse or parent or through some kind of online forum for cancer survivors, it can make your journey feel much less lonely. 

Empathy goes way beyond sympathy. When a person is sympathetic to your situation they are understanding how you feel, but only through their own perspective, whereas with empathy you can actually feel how the other person feels. The same holds true for caregivers as well; Rich being one of them. They also deserve to find that same connection with other individuals who are living through similar experiences as they are who can offer them an empathetic ear to help ease some of their daily stressors, frustration, guilt or loneliness that come along with their role (over the years that Rich has had to take on this very tiresome role, he has had many other caregivers reach out to him looking for that same empathetic ear).

Trust me though, having empathy for others can sometimes be downright overwhelming at times when you feel it as acutely as I most often do, yet finding the right connections, the ones filled with compassion can truly be so fulfilling and may even help brighten up another person’s day (which is why I won’t stop doing what I do)!

Please don’t ever hesitate to reach out whenever you feel like you need an empathetic ear to talk to, vent to or listen to you 🤗

#thegiftofconnection #youareenough #empathy #understanding #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #blogger #writer #socialmedia #listening #empath #mentalhealth #mentalhealthsupport #youmatter #depression #anxiety #suicideawareness #suicideprevention

Last year, a week into the New Year, I chose a word to help guide me through my intentions for 2022. That word was DISCOVER (see Blog: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2022/01/07/my-word-for-2022/). 


2022 ended up taking several unexpected tolls and some very overwhelming wrong turns for me; and my family. It went in a direction no one ever saw coming and much of what I ended up “discovering” last year was that, in fact, things can actually get worse!  But through it all I was still able to “DISCOVER” lots of new and very important things about myself in the process which I will hold on to as I try to navigate my way through the coming year. 


2022 caused me so much pain and unbearable trauma, both of which seem to have already spilled over into the start of 2023. I’m barely functioning right now and we’re only a week in. I’m pretty sure I have shed more tears in the past week alone than I did in the previous six months. 


Over the course of the past week I began asking myself what I need to focus on most in my life. The answer was simple. I need to focus on healing and learning to love myself, on giving myself permission to fail and on being gentler and kinder on myself. So I think a perfect place for me to start is by choosing a word for 2023 that embodies my whole being; physically, mentally, emotionally and personally; the word MEND came to mind.


According to both the Oxford and Merriam Dictionaries, the word MEND (a verb) is defined as;


Repairing something that is broken or damaged 


To restore to health, heal 


Improve an unpleasant situation 


To become improved


To put into working order again


I don’t have a crystal ball but I really wish I did. I don’t know what the year ahead has in store for me either but it’s crucial, now more than ever that I begin to MEND the most important relationship I will ever have in my life: ME; and all its moving parts; physical, mental, emotional and personal. 


Have you chosen your word for 2023 yet?? Feel free to share it so we can help inspire one another. 


#chooseyourword #2023 #mend #heal #selfdiscovery #restore #selfcare #selflove #mentalhealth #selfcare #youarenotalone #mentalwellness #getthefuckoutofmyhead2022 #newyear #forgiveness #resilience #youarenotalone #youareenough #intentions 

#breakingpoint #mentalhealth #SuicideAwareness #mentalwellness #youarenotalone #youareenough #overwhelmed

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There are no guarantees in life but giving someone who is contemplating suicide, hope that tomorrow could be a better day, is a perfect place to start.

I’m at my breaking point today.

A dear friend of mine, without even knowing, sent me the perfect quote this afternoon at just the right moment (see pic attached).

She reminded me that I am beautiful, I am loved, I am needed, I am strong and…I am enough.

I’m not sure who else may need to hear the same gentle reminder today but I thought I’d share it just in case.

#youareenough #mybreakingpoint #feelingtrapped #overwhelmed #suicidalideations #suicideawareness #checkonyourfriends #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #tomorrow #hope #affirmations #agentlereminder