Damn You 2023

Dammit 2023, you promised me. You swore you were different from your predecessors. You made me believe in you. I had high hopes that we were going to be friends.

But you couldn’t wait, could you? Nope. Not even until the holiday weekend was over before you showed me your true self. I thought I was in a time warp last night which took me back to that exact same calendar day, January 2nd, three years ago; the year was 2020. I’d woken up early that morning to get ready for an appointment when a panic attack came over me and the next thing I remember was crawling upstairs to my bed after fainting 4 times in a matter of 10 minutes. It left me battered, bruised and with a concussion for the next several weeks. A visit to the emerg followed.

Last night, I was feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, still experiencing an unbearable flare-up from the day before and having intermittent pain in my right arm and leg all day. I was also very anxious about the start of another work week ahead so I asked Rich for a sleeping pill, hoping to get a few hours of sleep. We had just finished up from dinner when he gave it to me (they are safely hidden out of my reach). He was getting ready to take my mother-in-law home after she’d spent the evening with us enjoying some quality time with her grandkids (although one was at work!). 

It was about 8 pm by now but I knew from experience it would take, at minimum, a couple of hours until the sleeping pill would take full affect. However that was not the case last night and within minutes of swallowing the sleeping pill, a pill which I have taken at least a hundred times before, 2023 came at me with a vengeance. Suddenly, as I sat at the kitchen table, a numbness and feeling of weakness took over my body. I began slurring my words, I had trouble speaking or finishing a sentence, my legs were too shaky to walk and left me feeling off-balance and confused. 

At first it almost felt laughable as my family looked on in fear. I promised them I was ok and they could resume what they were doing which also included Rich leaving to take his mom home and Hannah heading out to meet a friend. 

In all actuality I was not ok and quite scared as I crawled my way upstairs and into bed (just like I’d done 3 years earlier on the exact same day). I tried texting a friend back while I was lying down. I’d been speaking with her just before I took the pill. I told her what was happening but my texts were incoherent and knowing that Rich wasn’t home she reached out to Jacob who came upstairs to wait with me until Rich came back and took me to the hospital. My symptoms mimicked that of a stroke victim and once the triage nurse finished performing several exercises on me that you would with someone experiencing a stroke, he immediatley moved me through to a room after putting me in a wheelchair and calling for back-up when I’d failed several of the exercises. 

I still spent 6 hours in emerg after been triaged ahead of others and it still took hours to see a doctor who basically ordered a few blood tests and an ECG. As I waited for the test results the worst of it was behind me, the affects from the pill started to slowly wear off. Before I was released I was given an Advil for the pain in my arm and leg, told never to take the pills again and my favourite, follow up with the Dr. who prescribed them! 

I’m still feeling a bit off-balance today and after getting home at 4am and crawling into bed you would have thought I would have fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. No such luck. I slept a total of one hour before having to get up to go to work for 8 hours today, my eyes out of focus, my mind racing and my body feeling exhausted and weak but the overpowering guilt of calling in sick on my third week of work felt worse. 

Thanks 2023, I hope you’re happy, you are already proving to be just like the rest of them!

#sleepingpills #toomuch #ihateyou2023 #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #offbalanced #overwhelmed #guilt #exhausted #depression #anxiety #suicidalideations #concussion #stroke #tryingtoholdon #myjourney #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough #youarenotalone 

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

3 thoughts on “Damn You 2023”

  1. I’m so sorry to hear about your horrible experience! That must’ve been hard to deal with and to get no sleep before heading off to work. I hope you get some rest and give yourself compassion.
    I wasn’t sure if this episode was brought on by a panic attack. which I know from personal experience can feel horrible from the pits of my stomach.
    Please take care!! Hugs…

    Liked by 1 person

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