This past year has been nothing less than a Shit Show!!!! (am I right or what?) and I am so grateful everyday for having your strength, your gentle embrace, your sense of humour and your love.
You are my anchor, my heart and my beloved and I thank you for everything that you do for me and our kids (yes, the list is pretty endless) and I thank you for everything that you are.
We honour you, we appreciate you and most of all we celebrate you today, tomorrow and always because no one deserves it more than you!
I hope all your wishes come true in the coming year. Have an amazing day! 🍍🥰🎂🥳
Tonight Rich and I participated in a spiritual healing service via Zoom with Rabbi Fryer Bodzin and some of her congregants from Beth Tzedec Congregation. The last time we participated in a service it was in person just 10 days prior to the lockdown in March.
We all long for some kind of connection in our life and many of us need that connection more than ever before but what we often forget is how important it is to make time to find that same connection within ourselves as well.
For the past few years I have been doing a lot of “soul searching” by trying to take a step back and re-examine my life in the hope of finding true and meaningful ways to replenish my soul and find strength in God.
Thank you Rabbi for giving of your time to allow for us to ask ourselves difficult questions and to find some strength, continuation and renewal within our soul.
How is it that I have never lost any sleep over Canadian politics yet for the last month I have literally been glued to the tv watching CNN (just ask my family) and refreshing my Twitter feeds (and tweeting the President of the United States) 24 hours a day, 7 days a week due to an out of control level of anxiety and sadness over an election I’m not even eligible to vote in!
This election is no longer about whose policies or campaign promises are better anymore, its simply and sadly about a country so divided by fear and hatred.
I hope today will be a “Great” day for my American friends and family and that of the millions of ballots cast it will decidedly bring with it a shift in mindset and a spirit back to the America that the rest of the world once looked upon with fondness and “Great” envy.
Vote today (if you haven’t already) like your life depends on it because it does, and frankly so does ours!! And also seeing as our borders are still closed for who knows how long it’s gonna make it so much harder for you to gain access to all the “Greatness” our glorious Country has to offer (I know we ain’t perfect but…)!
Your vote matters!
*picture attached is from the Origami Owl jewellry Collection
Today we welcome in the month of November and the good news is that means there are only 60 more days left until this year from hell will finally be over! But today also marks the beginning of Movember which also means that for the next 30 days men from all around the world will be growing a moustache in honour of their fellow men everywhere.
Movember, which originated in Australia is now a celebrated movement that raises awareness and funds for men’s health issues but more specifically; Prostate Cancer, Testicular Cancer, Depression and Suicide.
As we watch men’s moustaches grow we are paving the way towards critical and possibly life saving conversations to occur and reminding men of the importance of early cancer detection, making time for annual check-ups, getting more active and essentially decreasing the amount of preventable deaths.
From a young age some boys are taught (whether it be culturally, generationally or socially) that a “real man” shouldn’t cry, that a “real man” can’t show fear, that being compassionate is somehow a character flaw and that acting anything less than a tough guy is a sign of weakness.
These untruths only feed more and more into the many toxic masculine aggressions and can also lead many men towards feelings of “self-reliance and emotional repression”, both of which can very likely produce an increase in mental health problems such as Depression and Suicide.
A man with such toxic character traits may also make it much less likely that they will seek medical and/or psycholgical help for themselves and could therefore lead to a much shorter life span.
When I came upon this picture the other day (see attached) of the soon to be “President of the United States!!!” and his son Hunter Biden, I saw a picture of courage and strength, I saw a picture of acceptance and understanding, I saw a picture of forgiveness and I saw an unconditional love between a father and his son.
This picture went viral but sadly it did so for all the wrong reasons. Some individuals (to remain nameless) mocked and shamed this portrait as a toxic portrayal of how a “real man” should act and they are sending a very misguided and scary message to the world; especially to the most vulnerable and most impressionable young men among us.
I wish they could see what I see when I look at this picture and I wish that they could see how having the gift of a strong male role model in a young boy’s life could set the bar higher towards a society where men are embraced for their vulnerability instead of their toughness. We could sure use more men like that in the world right now.
Let’s “change the face of men’s health” (Movember’s motto) and squash the stereotypes by supporting and encouraging all men to see this picture through that same lens.
Halloween, like every other holiday or celebration since March is going to look and feel, well, in Halloween terms, something like that of a “Ghost Town” around here tonight.
The Government and Health Officials in Ontario have “strongly recommended” that anyone living in a “hotspot” area (which I do) refrain from taking your little “Witches and Goblins” door-to-door Trick or Treating this year or give out candy as well (and just to add further salt to the wound, it’s finally on a Saturday night!!!).
Well even though my 3 little “Pumpkins” may be young adults now and well past the “battiness” of Trick or Treating, I can’t help but feel a “haunting” sense of sadness today mixed with a “monstrous” dose of nostalgia.
Have a sweet and sugar-coated Halloween today everyone, however it is you may be celebrating! 👻🍫
**Feel free to share some of your favourite Halloween memories and pics!
Last night I watched “The View” from earlier that day (yes I tape The View every day and once I even got to sit in their VIP seats for a live taping many moons ago!!!!). The ladies were discussing the tragedy that unfolded in Philadelphia earlier this week when Police Officers were called to the home of Walter Wallace Jr., a young black man who was in the midst of a mental health crisis. For those who don’t know, he was shot (many, many times) and killed by Police Officers because he was wielding a knife (not a gun!) and had ignored their pleas to drop it even after his mother was heard hysterically begging them to help him. This is yet another story of unjust in America today especially amongst the Black community but sadly the Police in many parts of America don’t have the necessary tools or training when it comes to deescalating a mental health crisis. Family members of this young man had called 911 to request an ambulance and medical assistance but instead the Police showed up with their guns drawn and ready for battle. As the ladies further discussed the tragedy itself and the imminent need for proper tools and training in police departments across America they then continued to support their cause by stating facts on how many other countries are so much better equipped to deal with these types of mental health crisises and how they have also taken the important steps forward to deescalate similar situations in a more humane way. I was most proud when Joy Behar gave a particular shout out to Toronto for having these tools and training in place. I have found myself in situations where 911 has needed to be called during a mental health crisis. And yes, I may not be black or living in America or have ever been in a state of psychosis or armed with a weapon for that matter to fully compare the two situations but when 911 is called during a mental health crisis here in Toronto (and its surrounding areas) I can tell you first hand that an ambulance will arrive on the scene and that a police officer will always be accompanied by a trained mental health professional. This very tragic outcome was also very preventable and should never have happened. Apparently since this tragedy just days ago, Police Officers in Philadelphia are now required to carry a taser with them (which they didn’t have on them at the time due to there being a shortage) when responding to mental health calls which could have made a difference between the life and death for this young man who deserved to live and get the proper help he needed, the help his family stood by begging for as they watched him be shot again and again and AGAIN. He was not a CRIMINAL, he was SICK and it’s time for America to take a page out of Toronto’s Playbook. #makesmeverysad #mentalillnessisnotacrime #mentalhealth #mentalillness #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough #proudtobecanadian @theviewabc
Sleep or maybe I should clarify by saying the lack there of it has been a continuous struggle for me throughout my journey. Back in the day (that is before my illness) I didn’t require alot of sleep but somehow it never faltered my level of productivity. In fact, I was more than capable of managing my day to day activities on very minimal sleep but then again I also didn’t lie in wake for the better part of the night dealing with racing thoughts, agitation, rumination, severe anxiety and panic, feelings of hopelessness and suicidal ideations either.
I know that sleep is very important to our health and wellbeing and when you are only getting a solid couple of hours a night it can take a definite toll on both our bodies and minds. I’ve tried using all kinds of sleep aids and treatments (some of which I have abused in the past and are now no longer options) that have been recommended to me over time but usually after a few days I find myself right back where I started.
I have also been told many, MANY times that watching TV or the use of bright screens in bed (aka your cellphone) should all be turned off at night but here’s the thing, without either of those vices, I’d never sleep at all!
My thoughts race plenty enough at night that being in complete darkness and bone chilling silence (except of course for the joyful sound of snoring; insert sarcasm here) would only make nighttime seem that much scarier to me.
These distractions help to drown out some of the noise in my head because one of the biggest obstacles I (and for many others who struggle with depression and anxiety) encounter at night are the lack of daytime distractions.
During the day it’s often much easier to find ways to distract yourself with work, school, exercise, friends, kids or other activities in general but as soon as you settle down in bed at night you are left with well in my case; racing thoughts, agitation, rumination, severe anxiety and panic, feelings of hopelessness and suicidal ideations.
Last night I had one of the worst nights I’ve had in some time. My blog I wrote yesterday (It’s Not Your Fault) described how triggered I’ve become in my day to day life lately and it all just became too much.
My mind kept drifting from memories of past traumas to the failures of just that present day and eventually led me to complete overwhelm of what tomorrow may bring and of course that’s when I began to pray that tomorrow wouldn’t come.
It was a very long and very restless night that not even a Reality TV show could fix, I needed something just a tad bit stronger and I eventually relented and took some THC which I kinda prefer to save for special occasions just like this one.
I feel like I’m in a constant battle with my mind lately and that every single part of my day to day life has become a fight. I find myself being triggered by even the slightest of things that I would otherwise be able to handle on my own.
Episodes of Depression and Anxiety don’t come with any kind of warning label attached to it and sometimes it just is. It’s also more than likely to vary depending on each individual’s circumstances and experiences but no matter what I just need to keep reminding myself on a daily basis that my illness is NOT MY FAULT!
Maybe if I shout it loud enough and keep repeating it over and over again then maybe, just maybe my inner voice will start to believe it too because right now I feel like I’m losing my battle. I know I never willingly brought my illness upon myself or asked for it either but still I blame myself anyways when in all reality Depression (or any Mental Illness for that matter) could give a rat’s ass who you are or where you’ve come from.
I want more than anything to feel joy and to celebrate my triumphs but after six and a half long and tiring years it’s so hard to believe the truths over the lies anymore when that voice in my head keeps getting louder and keeps reminding me that I will never be enough. I want more than anything to take away the pain and to not allow my illness to have total control over me because I know deep down that it’s NOT MY FAULT!
We all need to lean on each other now more than ever; I’m not okay and I know I’m not the only one. So if you are feeling like I am, repeat after me: IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT! How did that feel? Hoping it is helpful because it’s a well known fact that there is always strength in numbers!
If you or someone you know is in crisis please call: 1-833-456-4566
Over the last several weeks there has been a growing concern in our neighborhood due to a coyote who was becoming more and more aggressive with its prey. They had to close the local parks this week because several humans and pets alike had been attacked and Rich began carrying a stick with him while walking Maggie in the evenings and early mornings after he and Rachel and Maggie were chased home right to our front doorstep by that same coyote one evening last week.
The wildlife service officers have been camped out all week on the perimeter of the park near us waiting for the coyote to make its next move. They told us that people have been leaving their food waste by the forest where the coyote roams freely enticing him to keep coming back for more.
They also told us the other day that by law they are only allowed to move the coyote 1 km away from its home and that would only mean he would just keep coming back.
Well tonight we were just informed that they have “humanely euthanized” the coyote as it was the only option for the safety of the community at large. I find myself both saddened and relieved with the news.
We have invaded his space by building a community around his home and I don’t believe he deserved such a cruel ending to his life as moving him to a safer place away from communities where he could be free to roam and hunt safely would have been a much more humane option.
Back in mid July I submitted a piece of writing to a non profit organization called “The LifeWrite Project” which is situated in the States. They were looking for a collaborative compilation of stories to be published in an upcoming new book titled “The Corona Silver Linings Anthology” which will be released sometime in December.
After a very difficult few days I’ve been having it was a really nice way to end the week by receiving an email this afternoon that my story will be published as part of the collection as well as in a digital version.
They were looking for stories that give messages of hope and kindness, inspiration and strength and “silver linings” of light and positively we may have found during the darkness of the Pandemic to be compiled as a thought-capsule of this historic time in all of our lives.
My story I wrote was about my “Class of 2020” Graduation Lawn Signs Initiative which as most of you know by now honoured our 2020 Graduates and raised over $10,000 for Kids Help Phone as well.
The proceeds from this book will be donated to a variety of charities including “The First Responders Children’s Foundation”.
YouAreEnough 
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