Tag: tears

Depression After Dark

***May Be Triggering***

Sleep or maybe I should clarify by saying the lack there of it has been a continuous struggle for me throughout my journey.  Back in the day (that is before my illness) I didn’t require alot of sleep but somehow it never faltered my level of productivity. In fact, I was more than capable of managing my day to day activities on very minimal sleep but then again I also didn’t lie in wake for the better part of the night dealing with racing thoughts, agitation, rumination, severe anxiety and panic, feelings of hopelessness and suicidal ideations either. 

I know that sleep is very important to our health and wellbeing and when you are only getting a solid couple of hours a night it can take a definite toll on both our bodies and minds. I’ve tried using all kinds of sleep aids and treatments (some of which I have abused in the past and are now no longer options) that have been recommended to me over time but usually after a few days I find myself right back where I started. 

I have also been told many, MANY times that watching TV or the use of bright screens in bed (aka your cellphone) should all be turned off at night but here’s the thing, without either of those vices, I’d never sleep at all! 

My thoughts race plenty enough at night that being in complete darkness and bone chilling silence (except of course for the joyful sound of snoring; insert sarcasm here) would only make nighttime seem that much scarier to me. 

These distractions help to drown out some of the noise in my head because one of the biggest obstacles I (and for many others who struggle with depression and anxiety) encounter at night are the lack of daytime distractions.

During the day it’s often much easier to find ways to distract yourself with work, school, exercise, friends, kids or other activities in general but as soon as you settle down in bed at night you are left with well in my case; racing thoughts, agitation, rumination, severe anxiety and panic, feelings of hopelessness and suicidal ideations.

Last night I had one of the worst nights I’ve had in some time. My blog I wrote yesterday (It’s Not Your Fault) described how triggered I’ve become in my day to day life lately and it all just became too much. 

My mind kept drifting from memories of past traumas to the failures of just that present day and eventually led me to complete overwhelm of what tomorrow may bring and of course that’s when I began to pray that tomorrow wouldn’t come. 

It was a very long and very restless night that not even a Reality TV show could fix, I needed something just a tad bit stronger and I eventually relented and took some THC which I kinda prefer to save for special occasions just like this one.

#thc #cannabis #sleeplessnights #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #suicideprevention #selfcare #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #blogger #blogging #myjourney

You Are Not Alone

***Warning: May be quite triggering to some***

Yesterday I wrote an article that talked about September being National Self-Care Awareness Month but September is also National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month; a Campaign which focuses on bringing awareness about Mental Health promotion and suicide prevention.

This year’s theme “You Are Not Alone” is such an important message (especially now more than ever) for anyone who may be struggling with thoughts of suicide like I am right now or for those who may have lost a loved one to suicide to know that it’s okay to not be okay and that it’s okay to ask for help when you need it the most. 

It’s also a message letting someone know that if they are struggling with thoughts of suicide that there is always support available to them and that the more open we are to expressing our feelings to others, the less stigma there will be. 

As you know, I talk very openly and as honestly as I possibly can about my own very raw and personal struggles with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I focus a great deal on ensuring that anyone who is suffering with a mental illness or who knows someone that is will feel less alone in their suffering.  

This past week has been an extremely difficult one for me and my family as I have been struggling more than ever before with the thought of suicide but given the outpouring of supportive messages, phone calls and visits I’ve received since the days following my visit to emerg, I know that I am not alone and that no matter what happens, neither is my family. 

I also know from the many personal messages I receive each and every week from individuals who may have resonated with something I wrote or may be seeking support or guidance for themselves or their loved one who is struggling with their mental health that when I speak my truth, it is giving someone else permission to do the same. 

And that right there is the exact reason why I began sharing my journey with you all. Not for pity, not for attention and definitely not to be judged but pure and simple to let you know that you are never alone. 

***If you or someone you know is in crisis please call 1-833-456-4566***

#nationalsuicidepreventionawarenessmonth #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #startaconversation #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #masksoff #checkonyourlovedones #endthestigmatogether

I’m A Reality TV Junkie

Anyone who knows me well, knows how completely obsessed I am with Reality TV. It’s a much needed and most welcomed escape from my own reality and struggles for, well, at the very least an hour or two at a time. 

I become totally invested in their lives (maybe a little too much sometimes lol), I cheer on their successes like I would for anyone else, I put a hate on for the mean girls and bullies, I become completely enthralled in all their drama both on and off the screen (bring it on!) and I especially love gossiping with my friends about all the jaw dropping drama unfolding on the screen.

In mid March when the world abruptly shut down that also included the filming of one of my favorite Reality shows (Big Brother Canada) which had just begun airing a couple of weeks earlier. But when the Government executed the lockdown orders, the television network quickly pulled the plug on production and sent the entire cast and crew home immediately. I, along with so many loyal fans were completely crushed (no one could have ever imagined at the time that we’d still be living in the devastation of Covid-19 all these months later). 

Reality shows, like most television productions, are usually filmed several months in advance of airing on TV but not the Big Brother Franchises; they are unique because they film in real time and air 3x a week, in addition to the live feeds 24/7 that you can pay extra for to watch (I myself stick to the spoiler alert groups on Social Media these days which are free). 

But lucky for me I have not been without my fair share of other epic Reality TV shows since the shut down of Big Brother Canada as many of my favorite shows that filmed well in advance of the Pandemic have still been airing weekly ever since, and many have even been showcasing self-filmed quarantine life (you can’t get any more real than that!). 

The demand and popularity for Reality TV has been on the rise for years now. It’s entertaining to say the very least and who couldn’t use an entertaining distraction from our own realities in life right now, which was why when the announcement came that Big Brother (USA) would be starting in early August I was ecstatic! 

It’s become my favorite escape from reality for the last 20 + summers and even though it usually begins at the end of June and carries us through until mid September I know this shortened season will be like no other (G-d willing everyone stays healthy that is).

The contestants this season will consist only of “All Stars” who are considered “Fan Favorites” from past seasons which was the only way the show could happen at all this year as it alleviated months of interviewing, prepping and casting calls to find new players which I’m good with and is certain to make for lots of drama indeed!

So who will be watching with me?

Are you a Reality TV junkie? (it’s ok your secret is safe with me!)

What are your favorite Reality TV shows to watch and help you escape from your own reality for a while?

#betterlatethannever #bigbrother #bigbrotherisalwayswatchingyou #bigbrotherallstars #realitytv #imarealitytvjunkie #icallitselfcare #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #escapefromreality #youareenough 

Unbreakable Bonds

Throughout my illness I have been so incredibly blessed to have such an overwhelming amount of support from friends, family and acquaintances alike. When we go through difficult times in our life,  having a strong network of supportive people to rely on is so important to our wellbeing. And no matter what the role is that someone plays in that network of support is just as vital as the next one and should be cherished just the same. 

Two such ladies in my network of support inspired me to write this blog because I don’t know what I would do without either of them in my life. They are both close to ten years younger than me and live thousands of miles away, one being in Western Canada and the other in the Southern United States. And even though we may have grown up in completely different worlds and gone through completely different (and at times) difficult journeys ourselves we have so much in common and share a bond that is unbreakable. 

We have an “exclusive” and private chat group that probably has hundreds and hundreds of hours of conversations on it by now. We check in with each other many times a week (and sometimes a day) where we share the most intimate details of our lives including our secrets, our heartache and certainly lots of laughter.

It is so comforting to know that they are always just a quick text away and that I can tell them anything without ever feeling like a burden to them.  

We cheer each other on and we cheer each other up, we listen with our heart and we listen without judgment because that’s what a strong network of support is meant to do. 

They may have been my cousins first but overtime they have truly become the sisters I never had. 😘🤗 

#cousinsforever #sisterbond #youareenough #family #familymatters #networkofsupport #ilovemybrothertoo #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #checkonyourlovedones #togetherapart #youarenotalone 

Stop Checking Your Likes

As human beings we have an innate need to seek the approval of others but when doing so we often end up sacrificing our own needs, our own beliefs, our own opinions and our own values. 

We sometimes engage in such behavior because we want so much to keep the peace or reduce our level of anxiety, or maybe we worry about being criticized by our loved ones (and even strangers) or maybe we want so badly to impress others; as humans we want to please others and we want more than anything to just be “liked”. 

But over time our need to seek the approval of others may eventually turn to disappointment, missed opportunities and even resentment. When we are always seeking the approval of others we forget who we are or what we are truly capable of which can in many cases like my own, turn into Depression. 

I’m slowly learning with time (and therapy!) the importance of loving myself first, above all else and that it’s okay to let others down. I spent a great deal of my childhood and young adult life feeling very restricted and controlled. I never felt “good” enough in my parent’s eyes or free to express my “true authentic self” which are some of the many reasons why I am always having to second guess myself and why I fear failure so much or have a difficult time saying “NO” to others and it’s likely the reason why I get so easily overwhelmed. 

I started reading a new book titled “Stop Checking Your Likes”. Many of you will instinctively think that it’s a book about Social Media but it’s really not. But although it may not be a book devoted to Social Media in of itself the reality is that this is where so many people seek out approval these days in order to feel accepted, confident and “liked”. 

The author’s intention in her book is more about teaching her readers how to walk away from the “likes” of others and start focusing on “liking” ourselves instead in order to stop sacrificing our own needs, our own beliefs, our own opinions and our own values and start learning how to validate ourselves with more confidence, compassion and with the greatest of ease.

It’s an important read for all of us!

#mondaymotivation #stopcheckingyourlikes #susiemoore #bekindtoyourself #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #selfcare #ichooseme #seekingapproval #selfconfidence #youareenough 

What You Don’t See

July was definitely a hot one (the hottest one on record actually) and having to take the heat and humidity into account many days in July along with so many Covid related closures and restrictions has made our #summerofrich adventures a lot more of a challenge this year. 

I’ve had to scratch a lot of places off our #summerofrich itinerary but with the arrival of August I can see more and more closures and restrictions starting to lift including many of our beautiful Conservation Parks that have Waterfalls. 

Which was exactly why we headed to Smokey Hollow Waterfall today so we could capture the beauty of this hidden gem that included many adventurous hiking trails. As you scroll through the pictures you can see joy, you can see beauty and you can see calm but hidden on the other side of the camera today was a very emotional, tearful woman. 

What I didn’t capture was the overwhelm I was feeling inside today, the feeling of hopelessness and the thoughts of suicide. What you don’t see captured in these pictures was the breakdown that came next (my family did though and I’m pretty sure so did several hikers too!). 

What people don’t often see captured in pictures is just how real Depression and Anxiety are.

#summerofrichcoronaedition #summerofrich2020 #waterfalls #hiking #naturalwonders #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #itsoktonotbeok #checkontourlovedones #youarenotalone #youareenough 

Tied Up In Knots

*I just thought I’d preface this Blog by letting you know that it has been a particularly hard one to write.*

I’ve mentioned recently that I’ve needed a break lately because my mental health has been on a downward spiral. Since I began sharing my journey with you I have done so with the utmost honestly that which has always included open conversations about many of the most intimate and raw moments in my life. But there is still so much I don’t share with you or won’t share for that matter and lately it’s just been so difficult to share much at all (good or bad).

Right now I feel as though both my body and mind are tangled together in one gigantic ball of knots which feels like it’s getting harder and harder to undo each day. I do have moments where I manage to unravel some of the knots or at least loosen them up but before I can catch my breath again they just tighten back up, somedays even more than before.

If I can quote myself here for a brief moment from a Blog I wrote last week titled: Give Me A Break where I said “Everyone has varying degrees of stress that they deal with but when battling with daily symptoms of depression, anxiety and suicidal ideations at the same time can make it particularly difficult to manage.”; and sometimes when this is happening we feel the need to turn to a place of comfort to help us heal and unfortunately that can sometimes include old habits, which is exactly where I found myself at about a week ago.

I hate myself more than ever right now for writing this or for even thinking it out loud, but last week I bought my first pack of cigarettes in almost six months. This week I should be celebrating that I haven’t had a cigarette in six months but instead I am sitting here in shame (and with tears in my eyes) telling you a very different story.

To think that I had made it almost six months without lighting up a cigarette even though I’ve wanted to many, many, MANY times makes me just want to throw up. I feel like an even bigger failure, I mean who wouldn’t, right?

When I made the decision to quit smoking on January 14th while still recovering from a concussion that had occurred on the morning of January 2nd no one could have ever imagined what lay ahead. 2020 has pretty much sucked for most of the world but the Pandemic alone is not what led me to go buy that pack of cigarettes seeing as most of what is going on in my life presently began way before the Pandemic ever did.

Has the Pandemic amplified the urgency of certain issues, 1000 percent it has and smoking had always been there for me in the past to help calm me and although I have reaped the many benefits from the nicotine withdrawal itself, the actual habit of smoking a cigarette has always been on my mind.

Research shows that it can actually take an average smoker 30 attempts before they quit. The good news is that I’m not really enjoying smoking like I did in the past, nor am I smoking nearly what I used to so my plan this time around is to take it slowly and try a different approach, one which allows me to unravel one knot at a time before I even attempt to try and loosen up another one.

Please continue to follow my journey at:
https://youareenough712.wordpress.com

#youareenough #bekindtoyourself #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #suicideprevention #selfcare #allinknots #smoking #imsuchafailure #addiction #comfortzone #oldhabits #theguilt #feelinghelpless

Why Bother?

It’s hard to believe that we are already 6 months in to 2020 (time sure does fly when you’re having fun!) For most of you reading this you are probably thinking, fun? What fun? Ya, ya I know, it has not been much fun at all to say the very least and over the last few days I’ve spent a great amount of time reflecting on the first half of the year (see blog yesterday: A Labour of Love) and now I am trying to figure out what my life looks like moving into the second half of the year or which direction I will go.

I have learned a lot (an awful lot) about myself, others and life in general since the New Year began and so many days in the past 6 months I have found myself going to bed thinking “Why Bother?” And as I continue to figure my journey toward personal growth I will somehow find the direction I need to go.

What direction do you want to go from here? What have you learned so far in 2020?

Please continue to follow my journey at: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com

#whybother #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #twentytwentyvision #personalgrowth #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #depression  #anxiety #masksoff #suicide #wheredidmommyssmilego #amazondotca

April Showers Bring…Who The Hell Knows?

Wow, would you look at that, we did it; we just completed a full month (and then some) in quarantine and in case you needed a gentle reminder, today is May 1st and for me May has always been one of my most favorite months of the year. 

I mean what’s not to love about May? It’s like a fresh start watching the flowers bloom and seeing the regrowth on the trees or finally hanging up your winter coat and of course it’s also the unofficial kick off to summer (so as you may have guessed this has been written from the perspective of a proud Canadian girl). 

May is typically a very busy and joyous month for us with lots to look forward to each year but nowadays the best excuse for a celebration seems more like Cinco De Mayo Day (May 5), Victoria Day (May 18) and National Wine Day (May 25). And as you can see there is a common theme between all three days, one that needs no explanation after being in quarantine for…a whole lot of days.

Hopefully though, between all the Tequila (Cinco De Mayo) and Beer (make it a Corona on Victoria Day) and Wine (National Wine Day) we can find some time to pop open a bottle of champagne and make a toast to us on our upcoming 25th Wedding Anniversary later this month (right in between beer and wine day!). Stay tuned

P.S. I hate wine, beer and tequila!

What is something you are looking forward to during the month of May?

#celebrate #itsmay #youareenough #anniversary #silveranniversary #wherehasthetimegone #mayflowers #quarantine #stayhome #flattenthecurve #physicaldistance #strongertogether #family 

Happy Ruffday Maggie

Our “fur” baby turns 9 today and I’m pretty sure that her one birthday wish this year is for all of us to take a very loooonnnggg walk for a good solid 8 hours and leave her the heck alone curled up like a ball on daddy’s pillow. Happy Ruffday Maggie. 🐕🐶🥩🧀🎈

I wanted to reshare a blog I wrote 2 years ago with you today called “A Dog’s Purpose” (see link below) in honour of Maggie’s birthday. In the last month Maggie has been a pillar of strength and support for each one of us in one “purposeful” way or another and even though she has no clue what this Pandemic is or why she has suddenly been overwhelmed with an abundance of walks and cuddles she has truly made each day a little easier and a little brighter.

We love you to the moon and back Maggie, forever and a day!

#maggie #morkie  #happybirthday #ifdogscouldtalk #nomorewalks #partofthefamily #adogspurpose #adogslife #pettherapy #cutenessoverload #toocuteforwords

https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2018/04/21/a-dogs-purpose (April 21, 2018)