Tag: suicide prevention

Home Alone


I don’t remember the last time I was home alone for more than maybe an hour since mid February which is well before Covid-19 hit; and sadly there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight right now. 

Over the last month both my depression and anxiety symptoms have made me feel even more overwhelmed and vulnerable than ever and my thoughts of suicide have become more and more vivid as well which has left me urgently begging for a break from all of the day to day chaos that has been erupting behind the scenes at home.

So first thing this morning Rich and the girls headed up north to spend the day with friends at their cottage (Jacob worked all day and then went to his baseball game), leaving me home ALONE for the whole day and night! And even though I had 2 appointments previously scheduled for this afternoon (one being the always enjoyable Mammogram) that I needed to go to I was still able to spend most of my day just being mindful. 

I went for a long walk in the morning, I ate whatever I wanted (Fyi: Mac & Cheese for supper is still one of the best comfort foods around), I read, I did some writing, I went to both of my appointments and I enjoyed some much needed & very peaceful “me time”.

For the last 6 years I have felt as though I have failed as both a parent and a partner. I have spent all these years feeling like a burden to my family and I am consumed by guilt day in and day out. I blame myself for every bad thing that happens to the people I love and cherish the most and no matter how hard I try I feel completely worthless almost all of the time. 

Me wanting and needing to have just one day to de-stress a bit and spend a day by myself so that I could try to loosen the noose around my neck (it’s a figure of speech!) seems selfish to some and probably makes me look like a bad mom and wife to others but I keep trying to remind myself how important self-care is (remember you should always put the oxygen mask on yourself first on an airplane) and even if one day won’t make everything better, it’s certainly a great place to start. And I’m pretty sure from the sounds of it that today was a pretty great day for some much needed rest and rejuvenation up north as well.

I’m going to go now and enjoy my last few hours of alone time while I get ready to watch “Big Brother” and “Married At First Sight” which are my Wednesday night favourites.

Do you ever feel like you have failed as a parent or as a partner? Does it consume you with guilt? Shame? 

#selfcare #ichooseme #youarenotalone #bekindtoyourself #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough #selfcareisnotselfish #endthestigmatogether #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #depression #anxiety #masksoff #suicideprevention #ilovemyfamilytothemoonandback

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends


The week we first went into lockdown 5 months ago this week (in case you’ve forgotten!) I had an appointment scheduled with my Psychiatrist to begin a new treatment. The decision for me to even attempt yet another new treatment was not an easy one to make, especially since it’s still quite new and not very accessible to the general public as of now; and not to mention that I had already been part of a clinical study for a more invasive version of the same treatment several years earlier during a hospital admission that I needed to stop immediately. 

The first dose was to be administered by my Psychiatrist in his office at the hospital he works out of to ensure that I could tolerate it and from there I would be monitored closely as I continued treatment several times a week from my home. It’s now been five long months since that initial appointment was postponed inevitably as I continue to struggle deeply on a daily basis. 

As most of you who follow my journey regularly know by now that my relationship with medication and treatment options (both traditional and MANY non-traditional as well) to help ease my symptoms associated with anxiety and depression have been met with many obstacles, extreme challenges and sometimes severe complications to say the least. So when I discovered CBD oil a few years ago and found immediate relief from it while experiencing high levels of anxiety throughout any given day (even if it’s only temporary), I’ve come to rely on it like you would rely on any loyal and trustworthy friend.

Although it’s been far from a cure and (unfortunately) for me it has yet to give my symptoms of depression any type of real relief I’m still so grateful to know that just like my many loyal, trustworthy friends I have in my life, it’s a safe and reliable way to help me cope with my often severe and very persistent daily bouts of anxiety and panic attacks because I really don’t know how I’d ever get through so many difficult days (and nights) without any of them. 

#cbdoil #friendship #youareenough #depression #anxiety #anxietyattacks #panicattacks #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #therapeutic #selfcare #suicidalthoughts #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #endthestigmatogether 

In That Moment

**Warning: May be triggering to some**

It’s been well over a week since I’ve sat down to write anything. Many times when you see a post or blog of mine on my news feeds there is a good chance it had been written well in advance of that day. The truth is I’m having a real hard time expressing myself lately and I’ve just been trying to hold it together.  

My thoughts have become very clouded by a darkness of emotional unrest that is completely overpowering me. I feel like I’m standing on the ledge of the tallest skyscraper in the world; I’m alone and scared as I listen to the sounds of the oncoming traffic down below. I have butterflies in my stomach, desperation in my eyes, my heart is beating super fast, I feel nauseous and dizzy and then suddenly I awake in a panic. 

I’m relieved for a moment as I try to get my barings and then a feeling of sadness and despair quickly overcomes me. 

When you feel like you are barely holding on for dear life like I do right now and trying desperately not to lose your grip while standing on that ledge can make for some very burdensome days and some even more exhausting and insufferable nights.

I ask myself in that moment of relief how can I find the strength to keep going when my motivation to do so is fading fast? I ask myself in that same moment how can I find the strength to keep fighting when I’m in so much pain and feel so hopeless? I ask myself in that moment how can I find the strength to keep moving forward when my heart is aching so much? And I ask myself in that moment where can I find my inner strength?

What helps you find your inner strength?

**if you or someone you know is in emotional crisis or suicidal please call: 1-833-456-4566**

#innerstrength #findingstrength #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #selfcare #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #suicideprevention #checkonyourlovedones #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence #speakyourtruth #courage #inthatmoment #endthestigmatogether

Know When to Hold ‘Em, Know When To Fold ‘Em

I went to an aqua fit class this morning at my friend’s pool. I haven’t done aqua fitness in probably two years now which was also something I used to do on a pretty regular basis some 20 years ago. 

I love swimming (in a nice heated pool which it was!) but I especially love aqua fitness because you can still reap so many of the benefits of a good workout without having to really break a sweat.

Exercising is not something I truly enjoy but for some reason I love aqua fitness or going for a challenging hike or taking a long walk but when I do any type of exercise at all it’s always best at my own pace and on my own terms because otherwise it will become a surefire way to further compromise my mental health. 

I have learned how to adapt to many things along my journey (fake it til you make it) and every day I continue to work on knowing just how far I can push through many of my limitations meaning that on some days I am able to stay and battle it out for a little bit longer while on other days I may have to take a step back and try to fight again on another day.

I think this was exactly what Kenny Rogers was trying to tell us some 40 years ago when he wrote the lyrics to his classic song “The Gambler” because some days “you’ve got to know when to hold ’em” and on other days, “know when to fold ’em.”

I was really looking forward to going to the class this morning even though up until a half an hour before I was to be there I was still having to push myself to go and was all ready to “fold ’em” and try again another day but I was able to “hold ’em” just long enough to push through (and glad I could), but if next time I need to “fold em” at least I know I can try to fight again another day. 

#selfcare #ichooseme #youarenough #itsoktonotbeok #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #therapeutic #mentalwellness #blogger #aquafit #aquafitness #knowwhentoholdem #knowwhentofoldem #kennyrogers 

Just One More

I’m pretty sure there are lots of people who choose to scroll past many of my posts on Social Media and lots more who have probably “unfriended” me over time because of the content I share may seem completely irrelevant to their lives or make them feel uncomfortable.

When I first started to share my story almost 4 years ago I would always fear what others would think of me when I shared many intimate details and experiences of my journey with you and to be perfectly honest, there are still many days now where the fear of being judged or shamed gets to be too much for me and I vow never to write again. 

But it’s on those same days that I need to remind myself that l cannot lose my voice and especially not now when the mental wellness of so many is on a rapid decline and the rate of suicide is rapidly increasing. 

I chose to share my journey, not as a way to gain attention to myself or for others to feel sorry for me but instead as a way of letting people know that they are not alone and that it’s okay to not be okay. I also began to share my journey as my way of trying to squash the stigma surrounding mental illness and bring about more awareness, education and change.

I am sharing my journey more than ever right now hoping that my story helps even just one more person scrolling by who is suffering in silence, or just one more person who needs to help a loved one who is struggling or just one more person who chooses awareness and change in their life instead of judgment and stigma then that will help even just one more person begin to feel accepted and less ashamed!

#endthestigmatogether #youareenough #choosekindness #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #advocate #suicide #suicideprevention #justonemore

Another Happy Graduate

When I receive pictures like these ones it completely warms my heart. Today a group of amazing Teachers and EA’s surprised some of their “Awesome Grads” from Our Lady of Victory School in Toronto with a small Graduation ceremony outside their homes toting presents, balloons and a “Class of 2020” Graduation lawn sign.

They say that a picture is worth a thousand words, but a smile is worth a million more.

#graduationday #grads #classof2020 #ouryouthmatter #strongertogether #smiles #togetherapart #wereallinthistogether #mentalhealth #youareenough #youarenotalone #bekind #kindnessmatters #thankyou @kidshelpphone @boorola

Our Own Walk

About a month prior to the onset of the Covid-19 Pandemic I had registered my family to participate in a Walk for CMHA (Canadian Mental Health Association) in support of #MOBYSSinmotion; a confidential mobile Walk-in-Clinic for Youth and a wonderful resource for our young people who may be facing crisis right now.

CMHA has played an important role in my life over the last 6 years and I had donated some proceeds from my book sales last year as a thank you for the services they provide to both adults and youth in Canada which was why I wanted to participate in the event and why I didn’t want today to go unnoticed so I found a picture perfect place for us to enjoy a beautiful hike on our own in honour of the walk/run/bike event since it was of course cancelled. 

Oh and I should also mention that it was 5 months ago today since I had my last cigarette!

#cmha #cmhayorksimcoe #MOBYSS #hiking #waterfalls #felkersfalls #waterfallsinontatio #niagaraescarpment #ontarioisourstodiscover #thegreatoutdoors #mentalwellness #selfcare #ichooseme #youarenotalone #youareenough #ouryouthmatter #wereallinthistogether #strongertogether #summerofrich #summerofrichcoronastyle #family #familymatters #nosmoking #wheredidmommyssmilego

Giving Back Feels Good

“It’s better to give than to receive”. I placed an order this morning for another 100 +++ more “Class of 2020” lawn signs which are set to be delivered later this week to so many deserving Graduates…and I’m not quite done yet. You still have a bit more time left before I place my final order so contact me if you would like to honour a special Graduate in your life.

Giving back feels good and whether you’re giving of your time or giving of your money, if giving back has the potential to change even just one life for the better it’s all worthwhile. @kidshelpphone

Lend An Ear


It’s okay to admit that you desire comfort in your life and I’m pretty sure that right now most of us are in dire need of some extra comfort. 

Whether we need to be soothed or consoled or reassured; being comforted by someone can help lessen our sadness, our distress and our sorrow. 

Yes we all have a desire for comfort in our life which can bring about feelings of contentment, feelings of relief and feelings of warmth. And even if comfort may look different to each one of us, just knowing that you have someone nearby who can lend an ear to you is definitely a great place to start. 

#mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #itsoktonotbeok #advocate #depression #anxiety  #mentalillness #suicide #youarenotalone #youareenough #noshame #comfort #comfortzone #maggie #checkonyourlovedones #lendanear #leanonme #togetherapart 

Be A Voice, Not An Echo


I love my new decorative piece that I now display in my home as an important reminder to me. It’s original quote by Albert Einstein can be left up to the interpretation of each individual who reads his words; it truly depends on how you need to interpret them. 

Finding my voice has been a daily struggle for me for six years now because to me finding my voice has meant being able to step outside of my comfort zone, it’s meant finding a way to be courageous and brave, it’s meant finding a way to make a difference in someone’s life, it’s meant finding a way to be open and honest, it’s meant finding a way to challenge myself, it’s meant finding my own path and it’s meant finding my purpose. 

Since I began writing my blog close to four years ago now and sharing my journey with the world I have slowly begun to uncover parts of my voice and ignite my passion with openness and honesty. I never felt brave or courageous enough to have my own voice before, especially as a child and young adult, and it always felt safest to just stay within my comfort zone. 

Over the last 3 plus years I have spent much of my time trying to find a way to step outside of that comfort zone in order to challenge myself, in order to find my own path (even if it may be a bit off course) and in order to find my purpose. 

Maybe I’m just like Dorothy from “The Wizard of Oz”, maybe I’ve had the power all of my life and didn’t even know it. Maybe my illness has given me the strength to be a voice to help make a difference in someone else’s life and to give others who may need it most, the courage to “echo” my words and actions while they too discover their own voice. 

#letsendthestigmatogether #youareenough #youarenotalone #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence #mentalillness #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #masksoff #suicide #beavoice #itsoktonotbeok @soloparatigifts