Tag: memories

Depression After Dark

***May Be Triggering***

Sleep or maybe I should clarify by saying the lack there of it has been a continuous struggle for me throughout my journey.  Back in the day (that is before my illness) I didn’t require alot of sleep but somehow it never faltered my level of productivity. In fact, I was more than capable of managing my day to day activities on very minimal sleep but then again I also didn’t lie in wake for the better part of the night dealing with racing thoughts, agitation, rumination, severe anxiety and panic, feelings of hopelessness and suicidal ideations either. 

I know that sleep is very important to our health and wellbeing and when you are only getting a solid couple of hours a night it can take a definite toll on both our bodies and minds. I’ve tried using all kinds of sleep aids and treatments (some of which I have abused in the past and are now no longer options) that have been recommended to me over time but usually after a few days I find myself right back where I started. 

I have also been told many, MANY times that watching TV or the use of bright screens in bed (aka your cellphone) should all be turned off at night but here’s the thing, without either of those vices, I’d never sleep at all! 

My thoughts race plenty enough at night that being in complete darkness and bone chilling silence (except of course for the joyful sound of snoring; insert sarcasm here) would only make nighttime seem that much scarier to me. 

These distractions help to drown out some of the noise in my head because one of the biggest obstacles I (and for many others who struggle with depression and anxiety) encounter at night are the lack of daytime distractions.

During the day it’s often much easier to find ways to distract yourself with work, school, exercise, friends, kids or other activities in general but as soon as you settle down in bed at night you are left with well in my case; racing thoughts, agitation, rumination, severe anxiety and panic, feelings of hopelessness and suicidal ideations.

Last night I had one of the worst nights I’ve had in some time. My blog I wrote yesterday (It’s Not Your Fault) described how triggered I’ve become in my day to day life lately and it all just became too much. 

My mind kept drifting from memories of past traumas to the failures of just that present day and eventually led me to complete overwhelm of what tomorrow may bring and of course that’s when I began to pray that tomorrow wouldn’t come. 

It was a very long and very restless night that not even a Reality TV show could fix, I needed something just a tad bit stronger and I eventually relented and took some THC which I kinda prefer to save for special occasions just like this one.

#thc #cannabis #sleeplessnights #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #suicideprevention #selfcare #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #blogger #blogging #myjourney

What’s Your Personality Type?

My cousin sent me this personality quiz and asked me to partake in it. I told her that I feel like I have two personalities; one being the person I was before I got sick and the latter being the person whom I have become since. So I decided I should take the test twice. I started off by taking the test as the person I feel I am today and then I went back and took the test again thinking about the person I used to be; the person whom I feel no longer exists.

The results of the first test showed my personality type as that of an Advocate. An Advocate, according to Webster’s dictionary is defined as “a person who pleads anothers cause, or who speaks or writes in support of something” and according to the test itself is also someone who is “quiet and mystical, yet very inspiring” which are all traits that I have aspired to become over the last many years so I’d say the test was pretty accurate thus far.

When I went back and did my second test I answered the questions while having to think back to what I felt best represented my personality 6+ years ago. It revealed that I had the personality type of an “Entertainer”. Some of the traits of an “Entertainer” (according to this test) would be described as someone who is “extroverted, feeling, engaging in life eagerly and very social.”

All of which were true once again and although I miss many parts of my personality that depression and anxiety have stolen from me, on the other hand I also know that it has allowed me to explore a side of me that would never have been possible otherwise.

What personality type are you?
https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

#personalitytest #perspective #beyou #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #personalitytraits #advocate #entertainer #endthestigmatogether #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #suicideprevention #nationalsuicidepreventionawarenessmonth

Happy 21st Birthday Hannah

Happy 21st birthday Hannah

I know this wasn’t what you had hoped for or how you had planned to spend your 21st birthday this year but your resilience to overcome setbacks and challenges when faced with them is truly amazing and awe-inspiring (and of course being the easy going middle child that you are definitely helps too!!).

You have a heart of gold which shines through in everything you do. We are so proud of the beautiful, kindhearted young woman you have become and your dad and I can’t wait to see where your journey takes you next.  ❤

#weloveyoutothemoonandback #foreverandaday #middlechild #hanny #flux #hannahbanana #hannahmontana #hurricanehannah #twentyone #abirthdaytoremember #keepshining #happybirthday #proudmama #youareenough

Home Alone


I don’t remember the last time I was home alone for more than maybe an hour since mid February which is well before Covid-19 hit; and sadly there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight right now. 

Over the last month both my depression and anxiety symptoms have made me feel even more overwhelmed and vulnerable than ever and my thoughts of suicide have become more and more vivid as well which has left me urgently begging for a break from all of the day to day chaos that has been erupting behind the scenes at home.

So first thing this morning Rich and the girls headed up north to spend the day with friends at their cottage (Jacob worked all day and then went to his baseball game), leaving me home ALONE for the whole day and night! And even though I had 2 appointments previously scheduled for this afternoon (one being the always enjoyable Mammogram) that I needed to go to I was still able to spend most of my day just being mindful. 

I went for a long walk in the morning, I ate whatever I wanted (Fyi: Mac & Cheese for supper is still one of the best comfort foods around), I read, I did some writing, I went to both of my appointments and I enjoyed some much needed & very peaceful “me time”.

For the last 6 years I have felt as though I have failed as both a parent and a partner. I have spent all these years feeling like a burden to my family and I am consumed by guilt day in and day out. I blame myself for every bad thing that happens to the people I love and cherish the most and no matter how hard I try I feel completely worthless almost all of the time. 

Me wanting and needing to have just one day to de-stress a bit and spend a day by myself so that I could try to loosen the noose around my neck (it’s a figure of speech!) seems selfish to some and probably makes me look like a bad mom and wife to others but I keep trying to remind myself how important self-care is (remember you should always put the oxygen mask on yourself first on an airplane) and even if one day won’t make everything better, it’s certainly a great place to start. And I’m pretty sure from the sounds of it that today was a pretty great day for some much needed rest and rejuvenation up north as well.

I’m going to go now and enjoy my last few hours of alone time while I get ready to watch “Big Brother” and “Married At First Sight” which are my Wednesday night favourites.

Do you ever feel like you have failed as a parent or as a partner? Does it consume you with guilt? Shame? 

#selfcare #ichooseme #youarenotalone #bekindtoyourself #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough #selfcareisnotselfish #endthestigmatogether #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #depression #anxiety #masksoff #suicideprevention #ilovemyfamilytothemoonandback

Going On A Bear Hunt

Today’s #summerofrich adventure was quite the adventure.  We headed to a trail near Port Perry and when we got there it was closed (the website gave no indication that it was closed), so we went to another trail a bit further away; and guess what? it was closed too! (Again no mention of it on their website; but it was under construction).

By this point we figured since we had come all that way we might as well venture to yet one more trail (I mean what are the chances it would be closed too!). Thankfully it was not; Yahoo!!! As we reached the start of the trail we saw a sign that read (in pics) “beware of bears”! Ya well who doesn’t like to be a bit “risque” sometimes so off we went into the forest, but with every step we took we started to get more and more nervous (well Rich did lol) which was only about 5 minutes into our hike.

There were no other hikers in sight (maybe they had already been eaten by a bear) and we tried hard to ignore every rustling sound coming from the woods but THEN we came upon piles and piles of bear poop (Don’t worry I saved you from any pics!). So it was at that very moment that we hightailed it out of there and back to safety!

It looks like a hike just wasn’t in the cards for us today (good thing I did an aqua fit class this morning) and instead we headed to Port Perry’s Main Street and walked along the Pier and did some window shopping instead (that’s pretty mindful in my opinion, wouldn’t you agree?) which is where our adventure continued.

Once we had enough window shopping we decided to grab a quick bite to eat on a patio close to the water which was also our first time doing so since patios opened back up. We placed our order and THEN came the lightening, the thunder and soon followed by a terrestrial downpour!

Luckily the umbrella over the picnic table kept us pretty dry for most of the time (and it was too late to make it back to the car anyways), but then the wind turned directions and we were getting soaked! 

You can’t fault us for trying today, it was certainly a memorable day and nothing a big scoop of peanut butter and chocolate ice cream from one of the local shops couldn’t fix.

#summerofrichcoronaedition #nohikingtoday #bewareofbears #imisspatios #portperry #scugogtownship #icecreamyouscream #peanutbutterandchocolateicecream #thunderandlightening #youareenough #mentalhealth #mentalwellness

Keeping Up With Kanye

 

I’m sure most of you reading this have probably seen or read the news lately and whenever there is any kind of distraction from the Global Pandemic or finding out what the President of the United States (a term I use loosely) has said or done now, we welcome this much needed distraction with open arms. I of course particularly love the distractions that come from Hollywood or Reality TV because (I’ll be honest), those are two of my biggest obsessions in life, but what has been playing out in Hollywood/Reality TV over the past week or so in regards to the Kardashian and West family is truly heartbreaking.

Yes the Kardashians in particular have undoubtedly chosen to be in the public eye and have allowed us into their homes for over ten years now but when the cameras are turned off, the world still watches them in judgment, waiting for the next piece of Tabloid News to hit the stands. At the end of the day they are human which means that they make mistakes, they bleed, they hurt and they are not immune to disease or death either. This also means that no matter what or how they choose to live their lives, it can’t be easy always having the world watching your every move.

It’s been no secret for several years now that Kanye suffers with Bipolar Disorder which is a very complex Mental Disorder. Bipolar Disorder “causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, concentration and the ability to carry out day to day tasks.” A person with a Bipolar Disorder will go through periods of extremely “up, elated, irritable or energized behavior to very down, sad, indifferent or hopeless.”

Bipolar Disorder is a treatable illness and although it can be managed with medication, therapy and other treatments it is also a lifelong illness that normally needs a lifetime of monitoring in order for someone suffering to have a good quality of life. The last thing anyone, famous or not, needs while experiencing a manic or depressive episode of Bipolar is to be met with criticism or abandonment and when it’s being played out so publicly the way it has been with Kanye is sadly being met exactly this way.

My only hope is that Kanye gets the help he so desperately needs right now and that he can begin to use his platform for good (even though he’s got my vote for President. Oh right, I can’t vote!) and let his many fans around the world understand that sickness does not translate into weakness and that sometimes in life we fall down but that it’s okay to ask for help when you need help getting back up again. 

We need to learn how to lift each other up with kindness and empathy because no one is immune to Mental Illness.

#youareenough #endthestigmatogether #bekind #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #checkonyourlovedones #keepingupwiththekardashians #kanyewest #bipolardisorder #manicdepression #mentalhealth #mentalillness #kindnessmatters 

Getting Caught In The Rain

I went for a walk this afternoon with Rich. When we left the house the sun was shining brightly in our faces through a few white clouds but as we kept walking further and further away from our home we stopped for a moment and looked up at the sky behind us which had suddenly become very, very dark.

We knew that it was only a matter of time before we would be heading straight into the oncoming storm as we tried making our way back home. As Rich picked up his pace in order to try and beat the storm I shouted to him (half jokingly) from up ahead, words which I have heard echoed to me many many times before throughout my journey: “We can’t look back, we can only look forward.”

When we get stuck looking back on our past we can often begin to second guess ourselves and the decisions we make, easily filling our minds with regret and dread; something that my own depressive mind continues to do on a very regular basis.

It was too late by this point in our walk to do anything but look forward anyways (and get home quick). Looking forward helps us create silver linings (and if we are lucky maybe even a rainbow) and it also encourages us to live in the moment which once again is so much of what I need to work on for myself. (Oh and in case you were wondering, we  made it home just in the nick of time!)

#onedayatatime  #youareenough #stormyweather #oncomingstorm #rainbows #silverlinings #cloudydays #dontlookback #lookingforward #mentalhealth #depression  #anxiety #mentalwellness #caughtintherain

Happy Birthday Jacob

Twenty two years ago you gave me the greatest gift ever by making me a mom and I have so proudly held this title close to my heart every day since as I’ve watched you grow and aspire into the confident, gentle and witty young man that you are today.

Your desire to dream big with such courage and strength is more than any mom could ever wish for their child. May the year ahead be filled with an abundance of happiness and joy and that you never forget to leave enough room in your heart for the same happiness and joy you feel today because you are truly deserving of it. ❤♂️⚡🥅⚾️🤗🥳🧒🎁🎂🏌️‍♂️👨‍🔧🇨🇦🍾

#happybirthday #happytwentysecondbirthday #nosurprisepartythisyear #iloveyoutothemoonandback #foreverandaday #myfirstborn #bigbrother #followyourdreams #keepdreaming #covidbirthday2020 #youareenough #youreelectrifying #apprentice #bebop #bok #flux #fluxy

One Final Thank You

Just one final thank you to @cbcthenational for sharing my story so perfectly.  Thank you to @kidshelpphone for making a difference in so many young lives and thank you to the “Class of 2020” Graduates for teaching the rest of the world the true meaning of resilience while learning to face adversity head on in a time of so much uncertainty. You may forever be remembered as the “Graduating Class of Covid-19” but the lessons you will take with you as you transition into the next phase of your journey will carry you far beyond what any classroom ever could.

#classof2020 #graduationday #grads #strongertogether #togetherapart #wereallinthistogether #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok  #makingadifference #ouryouthmatter #pandemicdiaries

Remembering Terry Fox


Today we set out for a #summerofrich adventure in honour of Terry Fox who passed away 39 years ago today after his courageous and well-fought battle with Cancer that he so bravely united Canadians around the world with as he ran his Marathon of Hope across Canada with a prostetic leg, never allowing anything to get in his way of raising money for Cancer Research. 

Our #summerofrich adventure didn’t go as I had planned today (that is a whole other story) which left me feeling quite defeated but then I began to reflect back to that little 10 year old girl in me who still remembers the day in early July 1981 when I received a letter in the mail from my parents (while I was away at camp) telling me of Terry Fox’s death. I remember feeling a great sense of sadness (like so many other proud Canadians) upon hearing the news of his death as I had been following his remarkable and inspirational journey since the beginning. 

If I have learned anything from my own journey over the last 6 years it’s that life doesn’t always go as we plan and that sometimes we may feel defeated but Terry Fox’s strength, spirit, determination, courage and bravery has taught us that it’s ok to accept defeat sometimes and that we need to learn to forgive ourselves sometimes because somethings you just cannot avoid.
That reflection is what helped me to hold back many tears today as I honoured Terry Fox’s legacy, someone who still remains to be seen as one of the greatest and most prominent heroes in Canadian history as he reminds us that anything is truly possible if you try. 

#onthisday #marathonofhope #theterryfoxfoundation #terryfox #fuckcancer #youareenough #youarenotalone