I wanted to reshare a blog I wrote 2 years ago with you today called “A Dog’s Purpose” (see link below) in honour of Maggie’s birthday. In the last month Maggie has been a pillar of strength and support for each one of us in one “purposeful” way or another and even though she has no clue what this Pandemic is or why she has suddenly been overwhelmed with an abundance of walks and cuddles she has truly made each day a little easier and a little brighter.
We love you to the moon and back Maggie, forever and a day!
I had a really rough night and I’m so thankful that I had my husband and my pup (who turns 9 tomorrow) with me to keep me safe and get me through the night, especially knowing just how many people are alone right now. So much has changed in all of our lives over the last month and I’m pretty sure we are all having some rough days and nights but the one thing that hasn’t changed for me since this crisis began is that I still have the same mental illness I did before it started.Â
I’m still suffering with chronic and treatment resistant depression, severe anxiety and suicidal ideations every damn day and all that seems to have changed for me over the course of the last month is that many, if not most of my symptoms have become exacerbated.Â
It’s more important than ever to take care of our mental health and to make it a priority. Yet I’m feeling less and less inclined to do so anymore and more and more guilty for being sick with each passing day.
Oh the fucking guilt, it’s such a huge burden to carry. I feel invisible right now and I need to keep reminding myself that I’ve tried and that having a mental illness is not my fault. I need to keep reminding myself that I did not choose to have a mental illness and I need to stop apologizing for it even though the entire world may be experiencing a Pandemic right now.Â
On one of our daily and much needed walks recently we ventured upon a nearby pond. It was certainly far from picturesque; the small beach area was littered with tons of garbage and there was a baseball bat laying in the grassy meadow near to the pond that I presumed was evidence left behind from a brutal murder! (*When you suffer with severe anxiety and you love writing stories and you watch way too much Dateline and 48 Hours you will soon discover that you have a pretty wild imagination*).
But through that same wild imagination I have discovered a place that is peaceful and calm. I have found myself drawn to this place, I have found my mind wandering off to this place during difficult moments in my day (and there are plenty), I have found myself imagining what it will soon look like when the April showers blossom into May flowers and the leaves return to the naked trees and I have also found myself wanting to visit it every day since.
Now is the perfect time for everyone to discover just how beautiful and valuable nature truly is. Now that the world has slowed down it’s the perfect time to let nature inspire you and see how spirited it truly is. And maybe as we all take the time to discover nature for what it truly is then maybe we will all be able to rediscover our own beauty and value that may be hiding deep within us.
Two years ago this coming July I wrote a blog titled “Distress Centers, Demi Lovato & Doug Ford” that I wanted to share with you again today because I feel like it is quite relevant to our life right now. A lot has changed since I first wrote this blog including my reference to being a smoker for over 30 years because as you all know by now, I no longer am!Â
Something else that has changed since writing this blog on July 29, 2018 was my great dislike at the time for our then newly elected Premier of Ontario; Doug Ford, but over the last six weeks he has really grown on me ALOT as he continues everyday to prove to the people of Ontario (and Canada) what the true definition of a leader and a mensch are.
He has stepped up to the plate and gone above and beyond what’s in his actual job description and shows his genuine concern and compassion “for the people”. I can’t say for sure I will continue to feel the same way about him after the crisis is finally over but for now I don’t think we could ask for a better man (or woman) for the job.
Something else that this particular blog touches upon is addiction, our mental health and asking for help. Our mental health is imperative right now and figuring out ways to ensure that we take the very best care of both our bodies and minds.Â
I fear that more and more people are going to come through this Pandemic with new or worsening addiction and mental health issues, both young and old. And being in quarantine many may not realize that if they are feeling vulnerable, alone or scared that help is just a text or phone call away.Â
But taking that first step to reach out to someone can feel next to impossible for many, but will also be the greatest thing that you do for yourself so if you are feeling stressed, anxious or overwhelmed and need to talk to someone, Kids Help Phone and 310-COPE are just two of many helplines that are available to you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week; they are the definition of an essential service!
I just finished pre recording a segment for tonight’s radio show The Late Shift with Jason Agnew on 1010 talk radio. It’s been a while since I have done an interview or given a talk as so many recent and upcoming events I had scheduled were cancelled.
I know there are so many people who are suffering right now with Depression and Anxiety and that many turn to the comfort of late night talk radio. If I can help just one person listening tonight feel less afraid or less alone it will warm my heart.
If you can’t sleep tonight tune in around 3am. It’s broadcast throughout Canada.
Please continue to follow my journey at https://youareenough712.wordpress.com and do not hesitate to reach out to me if you ever need someone to listen. Xoxo
Tonight, as we gather around the table for our Seder, you may be feeling a bit sad or overwhelmed as you look around the room missing loved ones that you long to be with right now.
Traditionally at the close of the Passover Seder we sing or read the phrase (depends how drunk you are) from the Haggadah “Next Year In Jerusalem” which signifies a Jewish person’s experience of living in exile and their desire to see the Temple rebuilt in Jerusalem. And the symbolism here (and throughout the entire story of Passover) to what is happening right now around the world (See blog “Why Is This Night Different?”; April 1, 2020) is really quite surreal. Â
The state of the world has made me see this holiday through a completely different lens which may have only taken me close to 49 years and a world wide Pandemic to truly appreciate and understand the importance of Passover and in light of what is going on around the world I hope that when you reach the end of your Seder tonight and read (or sing) the words “Next Year In Jerusalem” that you know that you do not need to physically be in “Jerusalem” but instead you should see Jerusalem as a representation of hope and possibility, of peace and opportunity and a great reminder that we have overcome so much adversity and will do so again.Â
“Next Year In Jerusalem” may we all be in the presence of our loved ones wherever that may be in the world; in good health and happiness.
Wishing everyone who celebrates a happy and meaningful Passover.Â
Today is World Health Day and in its entire history today’s celebration couldn’t be more fitting than ever before. World Health Day is an initiative that raises awareness about the overall health and wellbeing of people around the world which is why today feels trĂšs importante! The theme of this year’s #worldhealthday is in support of nurses and midwives who have been the unsung heroes of Covid-19 by sacrificing their own health and wellbeing in order to ensure that we can all live in a healthier, safer world. Feel free to give a shoutout here to a special healthcare worker in your life!
It’s Monday today which is probably the most dreaded day of the entire week but maybe we are too quick to overlook all of it’s good qualities too. Mondays may be blue or manic or even hated by many but Mondays also signify a day filled with endless possibilites, new beginnings, new adventures and a day for bringing hope. But today may not feel like a “normal” Monday for many of us.
It may no longer be in competition for the most dreaded day of the week anymore because right now every day feels like Monday and right now Mondays don’t feel much like a day filled with endless possibilities, new beginnings, new adventures or a day for bringing hope either and for many more of us this coming week may feel just like a typical dreaded Monday morning.
The week ahead for millions and millions of us should be filled with family, traditions, religious rituals, food (and lots of it), maybe a day or two off from school and work and for some of us it may even have included a visit from a furry life size bunny rabbit.Â
But instead of being all of that and more we are left with a feeling of emptiness, sadness, anger and frustration knowing that we will not be able to celebrate those traditions and religious rituals with family or friends this year and if you were to ask most kids and adults today where they wish they were right now I bet they’d tell you in school or at work and ya those visits from the Easter bunny and the traditional Easter Egg Hunts will be missed my many young ones around the globe.
So today probably is one of those dreaded Mondays, but well deserved this time and one which also deserves hitting the snooze button a few dozen times on and one in which many of us may need a Mental Health Check In for. And whether or not you are doing really great †right now or you are having a really hard time đ like myself please don’t hesitate to reach out for support đ. Put our hearts out on the line today and remember we’re all in this together.
Last night I had a meltdown of epic proportions. I knew that it being my 6 year Anniversary since the onset of my illness yesterday (See blog “The Anniversary Effect”; April 4, 2020) that it wasn’t gonna be an easy day. But I did just what any good doctor would order me to do and got out of bed (eventually), took a 2 hour walk through my neighborhood and then treated myself to a warm bubble bath when we got home.
But like clockwork everything changed without a moment’s notice and almost as soon as I stepped out of the bathtub I found myself crying over “spilt milk” again, even if most of what I was crying over wasn’t really worth getting upset about at all; but you see, the truth is, it really feels like there is plenty of spilt milk to cry over these days.
At any given moment we may find ourselves feeling sad, scared, disappointed, angry, worried, distracted, exhausted, restless, short tempered or impatient (did I cover enough adjectives?). I find that since first becoming ill my patience has become next to nil which can often stir up plenty of other emotions quickly. And now with each passing day I’m pretty sure that most of us are finding ourselves losing their patience too in some way or another or with someone or another. In other words, we are all starting to get on each other’s nerves.
It’s ok if you’re not quite ready to admit to it yet though and since there is no real guidebook for us to follow on how we should feel during a Pandemic, we all get a free pass. So with no Playbook or guidelines to follow on how we should react or be feeling right now let me reassure you that whatever the heck you are feeling is perfectly valid.
Even if you’re living with June Cleaver from “Leave It To Beaver” we are all learning together how to coexist with others on a much different level than we were before and you may be feeling very claustrophobic, frustrated, on edge and downright snappy toward one another as we test each other’s patience and deal with each other’s anxieties and ever changing moods.
It’s hard, it’s super fucking hard right now but “we’re all in this together” and the one thing that is gonna make this nightmare just a tad bit easier is ensuring that we all work together as a team, within our individual homes, and create a Playbook with your home team. (I really do miss sports)
This experience is no doubt gonna change us all and we are all going to have to make some changes in order to get through this Pandemic together and maybe a good place to start is by developing a “Playbook” for your home team and make sure it includes several “strategies” and “plays” that can help reduce some of your household stressors and anxieties.
Ask your teammates what you need from them right now and moving forward to help make this time together more successful and remember that it’s still ok to cry over spilt milk while figuring it out, but by figuring it out together hopefully we will create some stronger, more adhesive family units by the time this is all over.
So what are some things you need in your Playbook?
Today marks six years since my whole world began to crumble and as each Anniversary comes around the pain and sadness from that fateful day, April 4, 2014 still feels like a knife is being slowly twisted deeper into my heart. I can recall the events of that day as though they were yesterday and I shared them all with you in a blog titled âApril 4, 2014: Itâs Been Five Long Yearsâ, exactly one year ago today.
As each Anniversary approaches I feel that initial sense of pain and sadness all over again and I begin to site the âwouldâvesâ, the âshouldâvesâ and the âcouldâvesâ one by one over and over and over again in order to figure out if somehow there wouldâve, shouldâve or couldâve been a different outcome, one that didnât lead me down a path where six years later I would still be living with the daily pain and sadness associated with Anxiety, Depression and Suicidal Ideations.
Anniversaries are supposed to be celebrated, right? Well not all Anniversaries feel like a celebration and whether itâs the Anniversary of a bad break-up, the Anniversary of a traumatic event in your life or the Anniversary of the death of a loved one it can easily trigger pain and sadness. This actually has a name for it; itâs called âThe Anniversary Effectâ and is defined as âa unique set of unsettling feelings, thoughts or memories that occur on the anniversary of a significant experience.â
This year with the approach of my sixth year Anniversary date it’s brought with it a lot of extra intensity given the current and uncertain state of the world right now. Itâs left me feeling even further trapped in my thoughts and crippled by so many emotions with an added bonus of battling headaches almost daily. Iâm finding it really difficult to get out of bed, to follow any sort of routine, to be motivated and to not cry at every single fucking thing.
Iâm trying to find ways to distract myself and find something to help ease the pain and sadness Iâm feeling today (Covid-19 memes seem to do the trick so feel free to pass any along). Maybe today will include trying to reflect back on the past six years at some moments that have brought me happiness or maybe by trying to find some hope in what truly feels hopeless right now or maybe by looking at the âwhat ifsâ of tomorrow and feeling less afraid of them.
But however I choose to spend today, whether or not it’s in bed or whether or not it’s trying to follow a routine or whether or not I feel completely unmotivated or whether or not I cry at every fucking little thing I’ve also been reminded today that each Anniversary I’m still writing about definitely would, definitely should and definitely is an Anniversary to celebrate. Thanks for the reminder; I may need it again tomorrow.
YouAreEnough 
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