Keeping it Real

*May be triggering to some* 

I had a really rough night and I’m so thankful that I had my husband and my pup (who turns 9 tomorrow) with me to keep me safe and get me through the night, especially knowing just how many people are alone right now. 
So much has changed in all of our lives over the last month and I’m pretty sure we are all having some rough days and nights but the one thing that hasn’t changed for me since this crisis began is that I still have the same mental illness I did before it started. 

I’m still suffering with chronic and treatment resistant depression, severe anxiety and suicidal ideations every damn day and all that seems to have changed for me over the course of the last month is that many, if not most of my symptoms have become exacerbated. 

It’s more important than ever to take care of our mental health and to make it a priority. Yet I’m feeling less and less inclined to do so anymore and more and more guilty for being sick with each passing day.

Oh the fucking guilt, it’s such a huge burden to carry. I feel invisible right now and I need to keep reminding myself that I’ve tried and that having a mental illness is not my fault. I need to keep reminding myself that I did not choose to have a mental illness and I need to stop apologizing for it even though the entire world may be experiencing a Pandemic right now. 

I could really use a hug, how about you? 

#checkonyourlovedones #masksofff #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #itsoktonotbeok #startaconversation #suicide #youareenough #youarenotalone #endthestigmatogether #noshame #yourmentalhealthmatters #stateofemergency #pandemic #overwhelm #panicattack 

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

2 thoughts on “Keeping it Real”

  1. I don’t know HOW I got on this page!!
    Nor HOW I’ll get back if I can’t save it?!
    Why now after years (20) battling depression alone, I “happened” on your page.
    You are the first person I’ve heard/read/ talk openly about depression.
    Ive tried talking to people. NO ONE seems to understand nor care.(let alone listen) It’s like a bad headache that you “take two of these etc ….”
    IF they do talk it’s usually “finger wagging”: just do this/that & just be happy. 😝
    I haven’t even been able to get a dr do anymore than say “take these pills & get back to me”.
    Let alone refer me to anyone qualified to talk let alone treat. (Afterall, its not an “illness/disease”…….”its all in your head”. AH that right!!
    First silently, then silent desperation. Then just seclusion. Maybe if I’m quiet, if I hide it will go away. Had a small walkin closet I would literally retreat to. I became reclusive. From a “church” background, I’m suppose to
    “don’t worry be happy”. Put on a happy face (translates “Mask”)
    I was suppose to “give it to God”. Tried but it was like God didn’t want it either.
    I had two episodes of suicidal ideation. I was sitting in my car in the garage (more running). Husband (now X) came home., saw me, and laughed. (Car was diesel)
    Never questioned or spoke of it. Another time, thot I was losing “it” & had enough. I went into the woods with a knife. Again he came after me, chastised me, using my kids to guilt me (rightfully I guess).
    People with depression often can’t think “unselfishly “. “Think of your kids”. I went back to the house finished getting ready for our vacation. Carried that with me the whole time, putting in the “happy face” for our family’s. And neither incident was ever spoken of again. Even at the signing of divorce papers. He told our kids “mom has ptoblems”. But he never cared to talk about let alone seek help.
    If you made it this far, T.Y. for listening, and T.Y. for sharing your story.


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