Every year for 8 years now whenever April 4th rolls around I find myself reliving the series of events from that day back in 2014 and visualizing it piece by piece in my mind as though it was yesterday. It was the day my journey first began; the day my life as I once knew it changed forever. 

I would’ve never imagined though, not even for a second that 8 years later I’d still be here fighting to get my life back. 

I have a lot of anger in me. I internalize my negative thoughts and call myself all kinds of nasty names because of my overly critical inner voice. For way too long I have placed all the blame and guilt on myself for the events that led up to April 4th, 2014 instead of turning that blame and guilt outward on the people who let me down that day. 

Anger pointed inward is a very common emotion to have for a person who is battling Depression. Some days I’m angry at the entire world, some days I’m angry at events and people from my past and some days I’m just plain and simply angry at myself. These types of anger can be difficult to control, making you feel powerless. It can be really hard to move past feelings of shame and guilt which in turn only worsens the severity of your symptoms or prolongs one’s depression; and in many instances it will likely affect some of your relationships as well. 

By focusing my attention solely on my emotions over the last many years with the help of my amazing therapist and now with the added benefits of the Psilocybin trial on its way which offers up an integration based therapy approach I am no longer trying to fight for who I was before April 4th, 2014. I am instead learning how to let go of the many past traumas and guilt ridden experiences from my childhood and adult life that seemingly led me to my breaking point on April 4th, 2014. I don’t want to fight anymore to get my life back to where it once was because it serves no purpose. Every day I’m learning new ways to accept and leave that part of me behind with the tools I’ve been given in order to help me release my inward anger into the wild, along with the weight of my shame and guilt laid upon my shoulders which has simply become too heavy to carry anymore. Holding it inside of me for so long has kept me from attaining any sense of self-compassion or kindness toward myself; something I know in my heart that I am deserving of; we all are. 

I also know that in order for me to be able to achieve any of these goals or feel at peace I must first learn to love and accept myself. It’s a daily struggle and there are still so many broken fragments and disconnected pieces of me that need to heal with time but I am very grateful that no matter what, my “four quarters” (see pic) somehow always have a way of making me feel whole.

**For those of you who have never read the events that took place on April 4th, 2014 I have attached a blog I wrote a few years ago which details that infamous day and my eventual realization of where my healing needed to begin.

https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2019/04/04/april-4-2014-its-been-five-long-years/

#feelingwhole #fragmentedpieces #eightyears #therapy #psilocybintrial #lettinggo #angerinward #depression #anxiety #suicidalideations #blame #shame #guilt #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #myfourquarters #selfcompassion #kindness #peace #agentlereminder #youarenotalone #youareenough

I’m still trying to process and make sense of the last 24 hours. Today’s session with my team of doctors helped bring some of my experience into perspective but yesterday’s “trip” was very traumatic to say the least and I’m not quite ready to talk about it in great detail, if ever (aside from my therapist and the research team, not even with Rich). 

Upon arriving at the clinic yesterday morning I was given a Covid test. Having been in very close contact with 2 people last week as you may already know from reading my blog I posted the other day, (https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2022/04/01/my-sanctuary/) I was certain that I’d test positive and be sent home…my negative thoughts really got the best of me once again.

Once my results were in (it was the longest 15 mins of my life) I settled into the treatment room. I was asked to bring a blanket and pillow from home and they provided me with a face mask and headphones which had a well researched playlist of music on it that had been created just for the purpose of this study. There was a mixture of very dark and eerie music along with some happy and upbeat music as well. The dark and eerie music made the experience that much more difficult but necessary. 

The doctors spoke with me briefly before we got started and helped reassure me that they would be there for me during the entire time and then handed me a bottle of the “magic potion” and asked me to drink it. It took about twenty minutes before I started to feel it’s affects kick in. I then spent the next five and a half hours convulsing nonstop as the doctors looked on, comforting me as best they could. They noted afterwards when I finally came down what a long trip it’d been.

I’ve attached 3 pictures. I snapped them on my phone as I left the clinic yesterday afternoon. They were hanging on the wall in the room I was in for my treatment. Last Sunday I spent 2 hours in that same room pouring over my journey to the doctors. At the time I didn’t notice the many pictures in front of me that hung on the wall. Before I began my treatment yesterday I still didn’t notice them either. It was only once I was more conscious afterwards that I actually noticed the pictures for the first time and realized that they gave me a clearer picture into much of how I felt during my “trip” yesterday and the darkness that I am so desperately needing to release. 

This new leg of my journey really began yesterday and will continue for six months with my next appointment scheduled to meet virtually with the doctors on Saturday again as I try to unravel the darkness within me that I’ve felt for so long now so that I can one day be able to see the trees through the forest again. They left me with one question to think about until then which was, “What has this experience opened up for me?”

But for now I am needing to rest some more. I’m in a real fog still today, extremely overwhelmed and anxious, feeling physically unbalanced and beyond spent right now (convulsing for 5 hours straight will probably do that to a person!) but I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and really appreciate all your messages of strength and healing that continue to fill both my social media pages and inboxes. xoxo

#psilocybin #clinicaltrial #psychedelics #reasearchstudy #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #selfcare #youarenotalone #youareenough #feelingoverwhelmed #thankyou #grateful

I had a very early morning appointment today (mornings are super hard for me at the best of times) at the clinic for some last minute prep before my actual treatment begins tomorrow (all part of the lengthy process of taking part in clinical trials and research studies). The appointment included a mini physical, some more bloodwork, some more questionnaires to fill out and some cognitive activities as well (I felt like I was back in elementary school!). 

To say I’ve been struggling with severe anxiety and panic attacks this week is probably an understatement and only became that much more heightened upon learning I’d been exposed to Covid, not once, but twice in the past week; one being a family member and the other being one of the Psychiatrists I’d spent 2 hours in close quarters with on Sunday afternoon (we were all masked and to be perfectly honest, since the mask mandates lifted here in Ontario about 10 days ago I have not yet felt comfortable going into any store or public space without still donning a mask; it just feels normal to me). There will be another doctor replacing them tomorrow. 

***Just an FYI in case you were thinking it: https://covid-19.ontario.ca/exposed#_with_isolate***

Last Sunday when I posted a blog about my meeting with the 2 Psychiatrists I half jokingly said that I planned on taking a rapid test every day this week (or maybe even twice a day!) to assure myself there would be no surprises before going into my treatment on Saturday morning where I will be given a rapid test upon arrival and then to find out I have Covid and be sent home would be completely devastating. 

I didn’t end up taking any tests until last night that is; mostly because rapid tests aren’t so reliable and especially if you are asymptomatic but nonetheless, it was negative 🙏. I decided to take the test after spending the entire day yesterday talking myself into thinking that I had Covid (and driving several friends and family crazy with my paranoia) even though I have no actual symptoms but I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who has psychosomatically (not quite sure that’s a real word) felt every symptom of Covid upon learning someone you know has it, especially if you were exposed. 

For over 2 years now I’ve been one of the lucky ones who has managed to escape Covid’s wrath even though I’ve been directly exposed to it at least a handful of times by now. 

As soon as my appointment ended this morning, I got back into my car, took a very deep breath and then proceeded to cry. I sat there for some time just letting my emotions play out; they’d been building up for days. I needed it. My body needed it, and my mind most definitely needed it.

It’s funny, I absolutely despise driving which is something I’ve talked about many times before (you should’ve seen me first thing this morning!). I haven’t always despised driving though, infact, prior to my illness it was something I quite enjoyed doing, but the funny part is that over the last many years my car has somehow become my sanctuary of sorts. It’s a place I find myself retreating to often (just to sit) as part of my self-care regime.

Sitting in my car, whether it’s for a few minutes or a few hours brings me a sense of renewal and restoration. It helps me organize my thoughts and believe it or not, it motivates me to get shit done!. It’s like a buffer zone between my thoughts and my front door. 

Although my little retreat this morning was quite cathartic I’m not gonna lie because I’m still super anxious (and not out of the woods yet) that everything I’ve done over the last few months in order to be part of this clinical trial is all about to come to a crashing halt with one quick swab of the nose.

Thank you to everyone who have been sending me so much love and good vibes this week. I definitely need all the good vibes I can get right now!

#covid #rapidtest #anxiety #panicattacks #clinicaltrial #Psilocybin #myjourney #mysanctuary #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #goodvibes #youarenotalone #selfcare #youareenough  

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” ~ Oscar Wilde 

I’ve found myself spending a significant amount of time over the last week on self-reflection as I prepare for my upcoming treatment Saturday morning.

I’ve felt so lost and disconnected from my inner-self for almost 8 years now (this coming Monday will be 8 years to be exact ;( ) that it’s difficult to know who I really am anymore, who I truly want to become or what do I actually hope to gain by finding out. Self-reflection is about taking the time to focus inward in order to find the answers to many of these important questions and more, but in order to do so you must also have a willingness to learn from your past experiences and be completely honest with yourself first.

My Psychiatrist, along with the two other doctors I met with this past  Sunday have all told me that the treatment I’m about to undergo is meant to produce a mind-revealing experience (incase you missed my blog the other day from our meeting, here it is again; https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2022/03/27/todays-meeting/).

This is where Psilocybin differs from most other experiences I’ve had using psychedelics in the past, including my most recent journey with Ketamine. 

When we think of psychedelics we imagine mind-altering drugs which produce changes to our mood and behaviours as well as heighten our awareness. 

Having a mind-revealing experience however can help remove many of the blockades in our brain which can also help an individual like myself gain more insight and openness toward their future and quality of life. It’s like a light bulb that goes off allowing your brain to reset.

I know I need to deal with so much of my past in order to get to a place of healing which is why being accepted into this research trial had been such a  blessing to me. I am hoping that this treatment will lift many of the blockades that keep my perception of the world around me from facing its fears, from recognizing my self-worth, allowing for more self-compassion and self-acceptance and for understanding my deeper purpose in order to see the bigger picture and finally be able to find my place in it instead. 

#selfreflection #askingthedifficultquestions #findingmyplaceintheworld #Psilocybin #clinicaltrial #mindrevealing #psychedelics #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #liftingthefog #connection #youarenotalone #selfcompassion #purpose #youareenough #yourmentalhealthmatters #agentlereminder 

I’ve spent the last 8 long and tiresome years trying whatever medications, natural remedies and treatments that were thrown my way in order to help me heal from my daily battle with Depression, Anxiety and Suicidal Ideations.

As my Psilocybin journey quickly approaches I thought I would re-post a blog I wrote a few years ago (incase ya missed it) where I shared one of the most difficult treatments I’ve had to date some seven and a half years ago now.

https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2019/03/17/some-memories-are-unforgettable-electroconvulsive-therapy-ect/

*The “You Are Enough” photo attached was created just for me by my friend’s young daughter, making it that much more special. It’s also a beautiful and gentle reminder that our youth are ready to help end the stigma*

#electricconvulsivetherapy #ect #myjourneytowardhealing #difficultjourney #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #depression #anxiety #suicideprevention #youarenotalone #youareenough #agentlereminder

Let me start by saying that I watched the movie “King Richard” just 24 hours prior to the start of the Oscars. It was pretty much the only movie I’d seen that was nominated. 

I’ve been a big fan of Will Smith since the late 80’s when I’d listen to his hit song “Parents Just Don’t Understand” over and over again, blasting his cassette tape from my ghettoblaster in my bedroom. Being a teenager at the time and having parents who just couldn’t understand me, his words resonated lots with me. I also never missed an episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air when it debuted a couple of years later and have watched it in reruns ever since. **As a toddler Jacob would dance around the room every time the theme song came on TV. 

I was rooting for Will to win his first  Oscar, I believed it was a long time coming. His performance in the movie was so fresh in my mind and I felt he deserved to win leading up to the start of the show that was. I’ve always admired his strength, his love for his family and his kindness he exemplifies to the world (Rich got to meet him a couple of times when he worked for Sony and he always showed that side of himself to his audiences, and did you also know that Will gifted his 40 million dollar salary from the movie to the rest of the cast and crew as a bonus because they had worked so tiresomely through Covid!). A real Mensch, right? 

So then what the heck happened last night? Will’s reaction went way over the top. He pushed boundaries that were unacceptable and quite frankly dangerous, especially for his many young impressionable fans who look up to him. If this had been a school yard bully, he’d have been suspended immediately but instead Will left viewers from around the world, speechless and in shock and then shortly thereafter received a roaring applause and standing ovation from the audience as he accepted his Oscar win. 

His acceptance speech channeled his character Richard Williams’s beliefs in many ways as he spoke through his tears about how love can make you do “crazy things” and the importance of protecting your family at all cost. 

We all overreact sometimes, often finding ourselves tangled up in that immediate emotional response to anger or fear and especially when we feel as though one of our core values is being challenged.

But violence is never the answer and Jada is not Will’s “property” either. A man’s rage and impulsiveness do not equate to love and protection. His display of toxic masculinity last night  continues to normalize stereotypes placed on men that they need to be tough, show bravery and take charge which only places society in further harms way, especially when there are no consequences to their actions, infact in this case they almost felt celebrated.

They have both spoken out very publicly about having an open marriage and that Jada has also had an affair; being as open and public as they are has got to be a comedian’s wet dream. But yes, Chris Rock told a very tasteless joke; even though it was well received by many in the audience with lots of laughter heard throughout the room, including from Will Smith himself. But being a comedian shouldn’t give you a free pass either when it comes to making fun of a person’s health and wellbeing. He may have unknowingly taken the first swing last night though, not realizing that Jada had been dealing with a health concern even if she has been very open over the last few years about her battle with an autoimmune disease called Alopecia, which causes hair loss. It is something she has learned to embrace over time and even chose to shave her head on Instagram. 

Chris handled the incident with class by not retaliating. Will’s apology to his fellow nominees and to the Academy itself was completely self serving. He took home his Oscar last night but at the end of the day his actions have now overshadowed so many historical moments that deserved to be celebrated and even more incredibly joyful moments, especially for Serena and Venus, their family and the entire cast of King Richard. 

I think Will probably needs to take a time out from Hollywood right now and work on his self-reflection; and it may not be such a bad idea if he does so by moving back in with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air while doing so!

#violenceisnottheanswer #theoscars #willsmith #jadapinketsmith #chrisrock #comedy #awardshows #freshprince #Alopecia #selfreflection #kingrichard #selenaandvenuswilliams #tennisstars #family #mentalhealth #autoimmunedisease #mentalwellness #antibullying 

This afternoon I met with the two Psychiatrists who will be guiding me through my Psilocybin journey and Clinical Research Trial which I am scheduled to begin next Saturday morning where the initial dose will be administered and a follow up appointment the next day (after more bloodwork Friday and a Covid test prior to treatment as well).

I am expected to be there for approximately 6 to 10 hours on Saturday and another 3 to 4 hours on Sunday (with many more integration therapy sessions scheduled both in person and virtual over the next 6 months).

The purpose of today’s meeting was to answer any of my last minute questions I may have had, explain in greater detail how this treatment is meant to work and how it differs from any of the other Psychedelic treatments I’ve experienced before, including my most recent Ketamine journey. Today’s meeting was also meant to prepare me for what possible scenarios could potentially play out during my session on Saturday as well as the days following. 

Today’s meeting was meant for setting goals and intentions (they would like to incorporate my mantra “you are enough”). Today’s meeting came with a reassurance that both Psychiatrists will be with me every step of the way during its entirety, helping me to reach my goals and intentions as best they can (they were both so kind and comforting from the moment I met them and the environment felt warm and calm; none of which I ever felt or experienced during my entire Ketamine journey. 

But first and foremost the doctors needed the opportunity today to get to know me better and to better understand what led me to their path today; and not just from the notes they’d read. 

I’ve told my story like a million times before today. But I wasn’t prepared for the intense emotions and tears that poured out of me as they delved further and further into my life and as far back as my childhood. They appreciated my deep emotions and tears as I led them through my journey piece by piece. It really helped give them a much bigger picture into my pain and suffering.

I’m completely drained and overwhelmed from today’s meeting and still very emotional. I’m scared. The what ifs are swirling around in my head right now as I write this curled up under my weighted blanket in bed. 

But I am so blessed that my Psychiatrist has given me this opportunity to take part in this trial (the first one of its kind in Canada). I am trying my best to stay hopeful that I will find some relief from this treatment and that one day soon many others like myself will also be given the same opportunity to help guide their journey toward health and healing and where joy and happiness can be felt again too.

It’s going to be a long and tiresome week ahead for me as I mentally prepare for next weekend, which may very well include me taking a rapid Covid test every day (maybe even twice a day) this week because one of my biggest fears right now is arriving at the Clinic Saturday morning all psyched and ready to go and the test they give me before we begin turns positive and I get sent home!! Well, in the meantime though I could really use a distraction tonight. Tell me something that’s good in your life or uplifting. Let’s inspire each other. 

***In case you missed it originally, I have attached the blog I wrote several months ago when the opportunity was presented to me by my Psychiatrist to become part of this study. https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2021/12/22/am-i-a-warrior-or-just-a-glutton-for-punishment/

#agentlereminder #youvegotthis #iamenough #Psilocybin #clinicaltrial #Psychedelics #warriorprincess #research #depression #anxiety #suicidalideations #mentalhealth #mentalillness #mentalwellness #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok 

The first year of a baby’s life can be chaotic, stressful and simply exhausting. From the moment the baby enters the world many new moms (and dads) fear the unknown; if only they’d come with an instruction manual.

That first year is often filled with so many mixed emotions. Feelings of joy and elation can quickly be overwhelmed by feelings of sadness, loneliness, guilt and worthlessness. 

Many of the changes that a new parent faces during the first year of parenting can be especially challenging on their mental and physical health. 

While in the throes of all the chaos, stress and exhaustion we often forget how important it is to practice self-care in order to help cope with and manage our emotions better. Practicing self-care will help build much stronger connections with your baby and is the MOST important thing you can do for yourself in order to create a healthier environment for your baby to grow and thrive in.

Take one day at a time, or better yet, take one moment at a time. 

Get some fresh air; take walks. 

Nap or rest while baby is sleeping. 

Stay well nourished and hydrated. 

Write your feelings down in a journal. 

Practice relaxation and breathing exercises. 

Set healthy boundaries; learn to say no; the dirty dishes in the sink can wait, so too can the piles of unfolded laundry on the couch. 

Ask for help when you need it and talk about your overwhelm with someone who will listen and offer up support in a non-judgmental way. 

Stay connected with friends and family.

Join baby/parent groups in order to meet others who are going through similar experiences as you are.

@agentlereminderproject is here for you Mama. We have created new merch for all the moms (and dads) out there who may need a gentle reminder from time to time. Choose from..You’ve Got This Mama; You are stronger than you think Mama; Selfcare is not selfish Mama; Your mental health matters Mama; It’s okay to not be okay Mama; You are not alone Mama; Be kind to yourself Mama.

Onesies are available in a variety of colours with my signature/mantra “you are enough” on backside. 

Great gift idea. 

The word “Mama” can be swapped out for other terms of endearment (ie Dada). 

DM for purchase 

*if you are in emotional distress or in need of immediate help please text 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor. Help is available 24/7*. 

#agentlereminderproject #agentlereminder #onesies #babies #youareenough #babysfirstyear #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #postpartum #youvegotthis #selfcare #yourmentalhealthmatters 

A Gentle Reminder…You Are Enough

@agentlereminderproject #agentlereminder #youareenough #throwbackthursday

Loving my new logo that my daughter Hannah created for my new Instagram account @agentlereminderproject.

Follow me there for messages of strength and inspiration.

#agentlereminderproject #agentlereminder #strength #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #purpose