My Sanctuary

I had a very early morning appointment today (mornings are super hard for me at the best of times) at the clinic for some last minute prep before my actual treatment begins tomorrow (all part of the lengthy process of taking part in clinical trials and research studies). The appointment included a mini physical, some more bloodwork, some more questionnaires to fill out and some cognitive activities as well (I felt like I was back in elementary school!). 

To say I’ve been struggling with severe anxiety and panic attacks this week is probably an understatement and only became that much more heightened upon learning I’d been exposed to Covid, not once, but twice in the past week; one being a family member and the other being one of the Psychiatrists I’d spent 2 hours in close quarters with on Sunday afternoon (we were all masked and to be perfectly honest, since the mask mandates lifted here in Ontario about 10 days ago I have not yet felt comfortable going into any store or public space without still donning a mask; it just feels normal to me). There will be another doctor replacing them tomorrow. 

***Just an FYI in case you were thinking it: https://covid-19.ontario.ca/exposed#_with_isolate***

Last Sunday when I posted a blog about my meeting with the 2 Psychiatrists I half jokingly said that I planned on taking a rapid test every day this week (or maybe even twice a day!) to assure myself there would be no surprises before going into my treatment on Saturday morning where I will be given a rapid test upon arrival and then to find out I have Covid and be sent home would be completely devastating. 

I didn’t end up taking any tests until last night that is; mostly because rapid tests aren’t so reliable and especially if you are asymptomatic but nonetheless, it was negative 🙏. I decided to take the test after spending the entire day yesterday talking myself into thinking that I had Covid (and driving several friends and family crazy with my paranoia) even though I have no actual symptoms but I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who has psychosomatically (not quite sure that’s a real word) felt every symptom of Covid upon learning someone you know has it, especially if you were exposed. 

For over 2 years now I’ve been one of the lucky ones who has managed to escape Covid’s wrath even though I’ve been directly exposed to it at least a handful of times by now. 

As soon as my appointment ended this morning, I got back into my car, took a very deep breath and then proceeded to cry. I sat there for some time just letting my emotions play out; they’d been building up for days. I needed it. My body needed it, and my mind most definitely needed it.

It’s funny, I absolutely despise driving which is something I’ve talked about many times before (you should’ve seen me first thing this morning!). I haven’t always despised driving though, infact, prior to my illness it was something I quite enjoyed doing, but the funny part is that over the last many years my car has somehow become my sanctuary of sorts. It’s a place I find myself retreating to often (just to sit) as part of my self-care regime.

Sitting in my car, whether it’s for a few minutes or a few hours brings me a sense of renewal and restoration. It helps me organize my thoughts and believe it or not, it motivates me to get shit done!. It’s like a buffer zone between my thoughts and my front door. 

Although my little retreat this morning was quite cathartic I’m not gonna lie because I’m still super anxious (and not out of the woods yet) that everything I’ve done over the last few months in order to be part of this clinical trial is all about to come to a crashing halt with one quick swab of the nose.

Thank you to everyone who have been sending me so much love and good vibes this week. I definitely need all the good vibes I can get right now!

#covid #rapidtest #anxiety #panicattacks #clinicaltrial #Psilocybin #myjourney #mysanctuary #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #goodvibes #youarenotalone #selfcare #youareenough  

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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