I’m still trying to process and make sense of the last 24 hours. Today’s session with my team of doctors helped bring some of my experience into perspective but yesterday’s “trip” was very traumatic to say the least and I’m not quite ready to talk about it in great detail, if ever (aside from my therapist and the research team, not even with Rich). 

Upon arriving at the clinic yesterday morning I was given a Covid test. Having been in very close contact with 2 people last week as you may already know from reading my blog I posted the other day, (https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2022/04/01/my-sanctuary/) I was certain that I’d test positive and be sent home…my negative thoughts really got the best of me once again.

Once my results were in (it was the longest 15 mins of my life) I settled into the treatment room. I was asked to bring a blanket and pillow from home and they provided me with a face mask and headphones which had a well researched playlist of music on it that had been created just for the purpose of this study. There was a mixture of very dark and eerie music along with some happy and upbeat music as well. The dark and eerie music made the experience that much more difficult but necessary. 

The doctors spoke with me briefly before we got started and helped reassure me that they would be there for me during the entire time and then handed me a bottle of the “magic potion” and asked me to drink it. It took about twenty minutes before I started to feel it’s affects kick in. I then spent the next five and a half hours convulsing nonstop as the doctors looked on, comforting me as best they could. They noted afterwards when I finally came down what a long trip it’d been.

I’ve attached 3 pictures. I snapped them on my phone as I left the clinic yesterday afternoon. They were hanging on the wall in the room I was in for my treatment. Last Sunday I spent 2 hours in that same room pouring over my journey to the doctors. At the time I didn’t notice the many pictures in front of me that hung on the wall. Before I began my treatment yesterday I still didn’t notice them either. It was only once I was more conscious afterwards that I actually noticed the pictures for the first time and realized that they gave me a clearer picture into much of how I felt during my “trip” yesterday and the darkness that I am so desperately needing to release. 

This new leg of my journey really began yesterday and will continue for six months with my next appointment scheduled to meet virtually with the doctors on Saturday again as I try to unravel the darkness within me that I’ve felt for so long now so that I can one day be able to see the trees through the forest again. They left me with one question to think about until then which was, “What has this experience opened up for me?”

But for now I am needing to rest some more. I’m in a real fog still today, extremely overwhelmed and anxious, feeling physically unbalanced and beyond spent right now (convulsing for 5 hours straight will probably do that to a person!) but I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and really appreciate all your messages of strength and healing that continue to fill both my social media pages and inboxes. xoxo

#psilocybin #clinicaltrial #psychedelics #reasearchstudy #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #selfcare #youarenotalone #youareenough #feelingoverwhelmed #thankyou #grateful

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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