I’m always preaching about the importance of self-care. It’s essential and should be non-negotiable. It’s not selfish to put your own needs first but then how come I feel beyond guilty whenever I practice what I preach.

I have not been feeling well today. 

My mental and physical symptoms often go hand in hand with one another, especially when it comes to my anxiety but I’ve just become so accustomed to the art of “fake it til ya make it” for the most part, up to and including this past long weekend where I fought my way through constant nausea, numbess, bouts of vertigo, brain zaps, tingling and throbbing sensations throughout many parts of my body, whether it was while I was hiking or spending time relaxing with friends. 

My mental health is seriously declining with each flare up I endure. It’s pure torture and my cup is completely empty today and I don’t have the energy to even try and fake it or attempt to refill it. 

I was supposed to go to an aqua fit class in the early part of the evening at my friend’s pool. Another friend of mine was planning to pick me up for the class. Keep in mind here that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE aqua fit (or any time I get to spend in a pool) and I was really looking forward to going but as difficult a decision as it was, I finally had to cancel shortly before. My body and mind were telling me not to go.

Instead though of feeling relieved and proud of myself for putting self-care first, I found myself spinning in a web of guilt. I had nothing to feel guilty about, nothing at all, yet somehow I felt like I was letting my friends down and I most definitely felt like I was letting myself down too, afterall I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE aqua fit. Maybe I should have tried harder to fake it til ya make it just like I do so many other times. Was this really the best I could do for myself today?”  

Deep down I knew though that I can’t compare to yesterday’s best and that we should never compare to our best friend’s best or to some random Instagram Influencer’s best either; all we can ask ourselves is what does MY best look like today?

What your best looks like today means being in the moment, staying present and not comparing it to yesterday’s best, your best friend’s best or to some random Instagram Influencer’s best. 

We are all unique in our own way. We all have good days and bad days. Our personal best is never going to look the same as someone else’s or to yesterday’s best. Our circumstances are all different and no two days are ever quite the same and some days, simply put, will be better than others. So ask yourself like I did today, “Am I doing the best I can for today?” Am I doing the best I can for me today, without comparing it to yesterday’s best, my best friend’s best or to some random Instagram Influencer’s best? 

Just mine and just today. 

For today I will just have to keep reminding myself that some days our best may mean just being able to do the bare minimum to survive. And that’s what I did today and that’s okay.

#mondaymotivation #ourbesttoday #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #doingyourbesttoday #inthemoment #stayingpresent #agentlereminder #wheredidmommyssmilego #aquafit #selfcare #selfcareisnotselfish #livingwithguilt #practicewhatyoupreach #fakeittilyamakeit #anxiety #depression #emptycup

Got to grab a quick hug 🫂 hello and goodbye 👋 from Hannah this morning when we met her at the camper bus departure before she turned right around again and headed back up to camp as a “Bus Mommy” with 10 buses filled with excited little campers in tow.

We also dropped her off a few items as well that she had forgot to pack (how that’s even possible if you saw what she originally packed 🙅‍♀️🤦‍♀️) but I think all she really wanted today was to just see Maggie 🐶 and that’s okay by me because all I really needed today was that quick hug 🤗 hello and goodbye 👋.

#headofpaddle 🚣‍♀️ #letthesummerbegin #selfcaresunday 🧘‍♀️ #hannahbanana #hugs #hellogoodbye #mentalhealth #summer2022 #busmommy #haveagreatsummer #happycampers #campnorthlandforever #alumni #campismentalwellness #summerofrich  @campnbb

You may not be perfect Canada but I’ve never been prouder or felt more blessed to be Canadian than I am today.

#ohcanada #eh #happycanadaday #proudtobecanadian #gloriousandfree #blessed #longweekendvibes

*Trigger Warning*

I had a really rough night. 

It began to unfold as a seemingly relaxing and enjoyable evening out with friends and family was drawing to a close when all of the sudden an extreme wave of exhaustion felt like it hit me over the head and every inch of my body began to ache and tingle. I felt nauseous. I couldn’t see straight. I felt numb and weak at the knees. I became paralyzed with fear. The room started to spin from what I presumed was an episode of vertigo which I’ve been experiencing on and off for the better part of 2 weeks now (as if I don’t have enough to deal with already). My chest felt heavy and I was convinced that I was having a heart attack right there and then in the midst of a crowded room. What other viable explanation could there be?

I had no clue what just happened to trigger me in that very moment and send me spiraling. All I knew was that I needed to get home quickly so I could crawl into bed.  

But it didn’t end there. By the time I made it home and crawled into bed my anxiety was off the charts. Rich gave me something to help calm me down which my Psychiatrist just recently prescribed for me (any medications I take are kept under strict lock and key and need to be administered by Rich, doctor’s orders; it makes me feel like a toddler even if I know deep down inside it’s for my own safety). 

I lay there crying, hoping the pill I just took would relax me long enough to fall asleep but instead many of the neurological symptoms that I’ve been experiencing for the better part of 3 months now since my Psilocybin treatment in April flared up so badly that I couldn’t lie still, I began shaking and I just wanted to crawl out of my skin. 

My symptoms are becoming more and more unbearable to live with, especially at nighttime and as I try and patiently await to hear from 3 separate referrals to 3 different specialists I am just becoming more and more frustrated and feeling more and more hopeless; and as I continue to lay in wait at the mercy of our overwhelmed healthcare system I’m pretty much down to my last f@*k. 

#anxiety #panicattack #downtomylastfk #mentalhealth #youareenough #youarenotalone #Psilocybin #clinicaltrial #labrat #yourmentalhealthmatters #atthemercyof #vertigo #treatmentresistant #depression

My girlfriend came by this afternoon for a visit. I’m so appreciative of the time we get to spend together. 

Our friendship spans more than 4 decades. Almost a lifetime. 

After she left, with a bag full of cherries in hand which she had excitedly picked from the blossoming cherry tree in our backyard I started to think about how special a friendship of this magnitude truly is and wondered what the secret is to maintaining such a special bond for this long.

It wasn’t hard to figure out.

Longstanding friendships will stand the test of time, through the many ups and MANY downs; through the many stages and phases and changes, to which there have been plenty for the both of us.

Longstanding friendships involve active and genuine listening; always making sure the other person feels heard.

Longstanding friendships mean always being able to be yourself around one another; that includes the good, the bad and the very ugly.

Longstanding friendships mean always being honest with one another even if it hurts sometimes. 

Longstanding friendships mean being vulnerable and loyal; it means showing up for one another with gratitude and appreciation in hand (and an ice capp from Timmies).

Longstanding friendships laugh together, cry together and celebrate the important milestones and biggest moments in each other’s lives together. 

Being able to maintain a longstanding friendship, especially ones that span more than 4 decades is like having a cherry on top of your ice cream sundae; it just makes something that is already so good even better. 

How long is your longest standing friendship?

#friendshipgoals #longstandingfriendships #cherrypicking #cherryontop #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #youarenotalone #youareenough

New to @agentlereminderproject; KEYCHAINS with inspiring words and words of affirmation in support of Youth Mental Health and Suicide Awareness now available. 

As many of you reading this already know that in September 2015 Ed and Jennifer Neville-Lake’s three young children and their grandfather were killed at the hands of an impaired driver in a nearby community. Their story touched the lives of so many and has continued to do so since then, including mine, through their advocacy work and fight for justice. Last week, the grief and pain of Ed Lake’s broken heart became too much for him to bare anymore and he took his own life. 

No one deserves to endure this much suffering in one’s lifetime. I’ve been unable to stop thinking about both the Neville-Lake families, especially Jennifer since the news broke last week which is why, in keeping with my advocacy and our promise @agentlereminderproject to raise funds and awareness for youth mental health programs and initiatives, suicide awareness and prevention and to help end the stigma I have decided to donate 50% of the proceeds from our keychain sales to the organization “Many Hands, Doing Good”. This wonderful foundation was born from a community response to the unspeakable tragedy that occured in September 2015 with its mission to “nurture and inspire children and students who have suffered the effects of trauma through art, drama and music.” http://www.manyhandsdoinggood.ca

**Choose from a wide selection of sayings like “dream out loud”, “kindness is free”, “you are enough”, “imperfectly perfect”, “you’ve got this”, “believe in yourself”, “family matters”, “mental health matters”, “I choose me” and “breathe” or send us your inspiring words and affirmations to customize. 

To purchase a keychain DM or email us at youthareenough@gmail.com. Feel free to follow my mental health journey and advocacy work on Facebook, WordPress (youareenough712.wordpress.com) or Instagram. And follow @agentlereminderproject on Instagram to learn more about our initiative and other products available.

Keychains – $10 each, 2 for $18. Further discounts available on bulk orders. Delivery in Thornhill area only, Pick up at Dufferin and Rutherford or shipping available. 

@manyhandsdoinggood #keychains #affirmations #inspiringwords #mentalhealth #agentlereminder #myjourney #tragedy #suicideawareness #prevention #endthestigmatogether #mentalwellness #yourmentalhealthmatters #ouryouthmatter #enddrunkdriving #Madd #childhoodtrauma #ptsd #arttherapy #musictherapy 

First I just wanted to take a moment to say a ginormous thank you to everyone for their kindhearted birthday wishes,  token gifts and the sweetest gesture ever from my 3 kiddos yesterday. They rock! I am beyond grateful and truly blessed for having so many beautiful souls in my life.

By 9pm on the evening before my birthday I was suddenly overcome with an overwhelming feeling of sadness and anxiety as the anticipation of my birthday drew near. It’s in these moments that the physical issues I’ve been dealing with of late become super flared up and the other night it led to an abundance of tears and a very restless and sleepless night.

I used to enjoy celebrating my birthdays but over the last many years, like most things in my life, it’s been really difficult and very emotional. 

My birthday began with an early morning zoom call from my Psychiatrist, which in hindsight was actually a really good idea after the night I just had even though I may not have thought so at the time when it was automatically booked for me 2 weeks earlier. The rest of the day I’d planned on spending with Rich but not 5 minutes after my appointment with my Psychiatrist ended did the Neurology clinic call to ask me if I could change my previously scheduled appointment for the following afternoon to yesterday afternoon instead (in case you missed my blog, or my vent last week here it is again, (https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2022/06/18/sorry-i-just-need-to-vent/).

Birthday or not I made myself available. 

The Neurologist read me the results over the phone of both my MRI and EEG and reassured me that neither of them showed any definitive “hardware” concerns in the brain which of course is a good thing but now leaves me with even more unanswered questions and even more referrals in the works starting with a different Neurologist who specializes in what’s called “functioning neurological disorders” to try and figure out the “software” issues going on inside of me. I’ve never been much of a techy person and definitely not a sciencey one either so many of his references to my brain being likened to a computer literally went over my head! But still I took lots of notes. At the same time he also referred me to a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in psychedelics and research medicine and I have also been anxiously awaiting another appointment with yet another specialist for several weeks now which my Psychiatrist had referred me to for yet another part of the anatomy! Fun times still ahead.

Once my appointments were both out of the way Rich and I headed out for a mini #summerofrich adventure and a leisurely stroll through Indigo on our way home; followed by an intimate family dinner at home.

After dinner we ate birthday cake. They sang happy birthday. But before I ate my cake I closed my eyes in order to make a wish and blow out the candles. As I sat there with my eyes closed I started to think about the whole concept of birthday wishes and how we are taught from a very young age to close our eyes and make a wish, but don’t tell anyone your wish because if you do then it won’t come true. Who came up with that silly tradition anyways?

Isn’t it better to dream out loud? Isn’t it better to have the support of others in your corner to cheer your dreams and wishes on? Wouldn’t the Universe hear you better if you wished out loud? Isn’t it more likely to come true if we just wish out loud?

So as I begin this new chapter today I’m starting it off by wishing out loud for the year ahead. Shouting from the rooftop with every birthday candle I blow out, every shooting star I see, every wishbone I break and every stray eyelash that falls. I’d much rather share these moments with others and continue to build upon my already incredible human connections and cheering squads that I am so fortunate to have. And I figure what more do I have to lose at this point anyways by giving it a try and besides, keeping my wishes to myself hasn’t exactly worked out so great thus far!

Youareenough712.wordpress.com

#birthdaywishes #wishoutloud #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #family #friendship #blessed #grateful #eatcake #psychedelics #inmycorner #clinicaltrial #research #youarenotalone #youareenough #cheeringsquad #theuniverse #humanconnection 

When I turned 50 last year I went in feeling hopeful that this could finally be the year where I would find my way to a better place in my life but instead as the curtain quickly draws to a close on my 50th year and a new chapter awaits me in the not so distant future I am left to reflect on the year that was and if truth be told I’m actually feeling pretty darn defeated right now and almost as though I’ve let so many people down, including myself along the way; and if I’m to be completely honest, 50 has undoubtedly turned out to be the hardest year ever for not just myself but for Rich as well. 

But as that curtain quickly draws to a close on my 50th year and knowing that I can’t change what’s in the past I will instead anxiously turn the page to a new chapter this week and try to embrace it with that same hope I felt almost a year ago and with that same promise I made to myself last week to put more trust in God (https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2022/06/17/bitachon-hebrew-trust-in-god/) by placing my heavy burdens and worries on God and allow God to protect and watch over me and my family by trusting that things will work out the way they are supposed to.

I would also like to take the opportunity to share with you today a list I created of 50 things I’ve learned in the first 50 years of my life (and one for good luck). Many of these lessons learned have just been over the last year. 

1. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

2. People you love may disappoint you sometimes.

3. Listen more and listen with intent.

4. Actions speak louder than words. 

5. No one is perfect. 

6. Life is fucking hard. Cherish the moments that bring you joy.

7. Write down everything before you forget.

8. A hug can melt your heart. 

9. You can never go wrong being kind; be the reason someone smiles.

10. Change can be good.

11. Breakfast for dinner is the best.

12. Patience. Strive to have patience. 

13. Show gratitude always. 

14. No one is ever THAT busy.

15. Things can get worse. 

16. Nature is truly magical. 

17. Guilt and shame are the heaviest burdens to carry.

18. It’s okay to not be okay.

19. Family matters. Count your blessings.

20. Surround yourself with genuine, caring people.

21. Say you’re sorry, but only if you truly mean it. 

22. Have forgiveness in your heart for those who have wronged you; it can be very healing.

23. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. 

24. Self-care is not selfish. 

25. Laughter truly is the best medicine. 

26. Bitter people will never be happy for you.

27. It’s okay if you fail. Making mistakes leads to learning.

28. Find your purpose and run with it.

29. Appreciate simple pleasures.

30. Not everyone is going to like you and that’s okay.

31. No one is immune from pain and suffering.

32. Sleep is overrated.

33. Not everyone will understand the journey you are on; surround yourself with people who are at least willing to try to.

34. Don’t let the mean girls or bullies take up space in your life.

35. Always make room at the table for one more. 

36. Read more. Sing off key. Dance like no one is watching.  

37. Self-advocacy is an important tool to have.

38. Don’t suffer in silence. It’s okay to ask for help.

39. How many chances is too many to give someone?

40. Having a mental illness is real and not a character flaw.

41. You’re never too old to chase your dreams.

42. Wear comfortable shoes and drink lots of water; your adventures will last longer and be way more fun. 

43. Follow your instincts, honour your intuition, go with your gut even if no one else is willing to go along with you.

44. It’s okay to create healthy boundaries for yourself. 

45. Show your vulnerability; it’s a strength.

46. Empathy and compassion go a very, very long way. 

47. Give back more than you take.

48. Be nice to strangers. You never know what struggles they may be going through. 

49. Eliminate negativity from your life.

50. Keep finding meaningful ways to learn and grow. 

51. You are enough. You are not alone. 

💖 always,

Kim 

What lessons have you learned that you could add to my list?

#fiftylessonslearnedinfiftyyears #curtainclosed #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youarenotalone #youareenough #trustingod #aurevoirtofifty #lessonslearned #oneforgoodluck #nextchapterawaits #askforhelp #bekind #familymatters #yourmentalhealthmatters #bevulnerable #empathyandcompassion

Jacob walked in the door at 5:45 this morning after driving more than 18 hours home from a music festival in Tennessee where he’d spent the better part of a week living it up in the great outdoors with his friends as though they were at Woodstock.

He arrived home just in the nick of time to unload my car which he had borrowed for his road trip as it is more spacious than his own car, only to have Rich and Hannah load it back up again an hour later with all of her camp stuff (which literally included pretty much everything but our kitchen sink) so that she could get to the buses in time for her latest departure, this time for the summer to her home away from home!!!

#offshegoesagain #summertime #firstdayofsummer #campnbb #alumni #homeawayfromhome #campismentalwellness #peterpan #headofpaddle #Bonnaroo #Tennessee #musicfestival #livingtheirbestlives #myanxiety #sleeplessnights

There are no words to describe the heart-wrenching reality that this poor mother is facing yet again today after losing her father and 3 children to a drunk driver in September 2015 and now her husband to suicide just one day after Father’s Day. 

My heart bleeds for this beautiful family. Their story touched the lives of so many in our surrounding communities and I will continue to hold a special place in my heart for the Neville-Lake family as they once again begin to grieve the pain and devastation of another tragic and senseless loss of life at the hands of this selfish ass murderer, who was pathetically granted full parole in February 2021. 

No one deserves to endure this much pain in one lifetime. 

Our justice system is beyond broken which is something Rich and I found ourselves talking about just yesterday afternoon as we drove by our beautiful brand new local hospital that bares the name of (his) family right on the front of the building since they had donated millions of dollars to its construction. It actually sickens me.

*If you would like to help stop drunk driving, support those affected by drunk driving or if you are in need of help yourself please call MADD Canada (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers), 1.800.665.6233

Canada Suicide Prevention Canada, 1.833.456.4566

#tragic #devastating #stopdrunkdriving #madd #suicideawareness #senseless #mentalhealth #yourmentalhealthmatters #family #itsoktonotbeok #rip

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