First I just wanted to take a moment to say a ginormous thank you to everyone for their kindhearted birthday wishes,  token gifts and the sweetest gesture ever from my 3 kiddos yesterday. They rock! I am beyond grateful and truly blessed for having so many beautiful souls in my life.

By 9pm on the evening before my birthday I was suddenly overcome with an overwhelming feeling of sadness and anxiety as the anticipation of my birthday drew near. It’s in these moments that the physical issues I’ve been dealing with of late become super flared up and the other night it led to an abundance of tears and a very restless and sleepless night.

I used to enjoy celebrating my birthdays but over the last many years, like most things in my life, it’s been really difficult and very emotional. 

My birthday began with an early morning zoom call from my Psychiatrist, which in hindsight was actually a really good idea after the night I just had even though I may not have thought so at the time when it was automatically booked for me 2 weeks earlier. The rest of the day I’d planned on spending with Rich but not 5 minutes after my appointment with my Psychiatrist ended did the Neurology clinic call to ask me if I could change my previously scheduled appointment for the following afternoon to yesterday afternoon instead (in case you missed my blog, or my vent last week here it is again, (

Birthday or not I made myself available. 

The Neurologist read me the results over the phone of both my MRI and EEG and reassured me that neither of them showed any definitive “hardware” concerns in the brain which of course is a good thing but now leaves me with even more unanswered questions and even more referrals in the works starting with a different Neurologist who specializes in what’s called “functioning neurological disorders” to try and figure out the “software” issues going on inside of me. I’ve never been much of a techy person and definitely not a sciencey one either so many of his references to my brain being likened to a computer literally went over my head! But still I took lots of notes. At the same time he also referred me to a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in psychedelics and research medicine and I have also been anxiously awaiting another appointment with yet another specialist for several weeks now which my Psychiatrist had referred me to for yet another part of the anatomy! Fun times still ahead.

Once my appointments were both out of the way Rich and I headed out for a mini #summerofrich adventure and a leisurely stroll through Indigo on our way home; followed by an intimate family dinner at home.

After dinner we ate birthday cake. They sang happy birthday. But before I ate my cake I closed my eyes in order to make a wish and blow out the candles. As I sat there with my eyes closed I started to think about the whole concept of birthday wishes and how we are taught from a very young age to close our eyes and make a wish, but don’t tell anyone your wish because if you do then it won’t come true. Who came up with that silly tradition anyways?

Isn’t it better to dream out loud? Isn’t it better to have the support of others in your corner to cheer your dreams and wishes on? Wouldn’t the Universe hear you better if you wished out loud? Isn’t it more likely to come true if we just wish out loud?

So as I begin this new chapter today I’m starting it off by wishing out loud for the year ahead. Shouting from the rooftop with every birthday candle I blow out, every shooting star I see, every wishbone I break and every stray eyelash that falls. I’d much rather share these moments with others and continue to build upon my already incredible human connections and cheering squads that I am so fortunate to have. And I figure what more do I have to lose at this point anyways by giving it a try and besides, keeping my wishes to myself hasn’t exactly worked out so great thus far!

#birthdaywishes #wishoutloud #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #family #friendship #blessed #grateful #eatcake #psychedelics #inmycorner #clinicaltrial #research #youarenotalone #youareenough #cheeringsquad #theuniverse #humanconnection 

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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