Down to my last F@*k

*Trigger Warning*

I had a really rough night. 

It began to unfold as a seemingly relaxing and enjoyable evening out with friends and family was drawing to a close when all of the sudden an extreme wave of exhaustion felt like it hit me over the head and every inch of my body began to ache and tingle. I felt nauseous. I couldn’t see straight. I felt numb and weak at the knees. I became paralyzed with fear. The room started to spin from what I presumed was an episode of vertigo which I’ve been experiencing on and off for the better part of 2 weeks now (as if I don’t have enough to deal with already). My chest felt heavy and I was convinced that I was having a heart attack right there and then in the midst of a crowded room. What other viable explanation could there be?

I had no clue what just happened to trigger me in that very moment and send me spiraling. All I knew was that I needed to get home quickly so I could crawl into bed.  

But it didn’t end there. By the time I made it home and crawled into bed my anxiety was off the charts. Rich gave me something to help calm me down which my Psychiatrist just recently prescribed for me (any medications I take are kept under strict lock and key and need to be administered by Rich, doctor’s orders; it makes me feel like a toddler even if I know deep down inside it’s for my own safety). 

I lay there crying, hoping the pill I just took would relax me long enough to fall asleep but instead many of the neurological symptoms that I’ve been experiencing for the better part of 3 months now since my Psilocybin treatment in April flared up so badly that I couldn’t lie still, I began shaking and I just wanted to crawl out of my skin. 

My symptoms are becoming more and more unbearable to live with, especially at nighttime and as I try and patiently await to hear from 3 separate referrals to 3 different specialists I am just becoming more and more frustrated and feeling more and more hopeless; and as I continue to lay in wait at the mercy of our overwhelmed healthcare system I’m pretty much down to my last f@*k. 

#anxiety #panicattack #downtomylastfk #mentalhealth #youareenough #youarenotalone #Psilocybin #clinicaltrial #labrat #yourmentalhealthmatters #atthemercyof #vertigo #treatmentresistant #depression

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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