Let me start by saying that when I look back on the weekend that just passed and view it in its entirety I feel truly blessed. 

It was really nice. Many of you probably saw pictures on Social Media.

It was filled with so many special moments. 

Saturday I got to witness a very dear friend whom I’ve known for close to 40 years marry her best friend and celebrate their happily ever after. 

Sunday I got to spend the entire day and part of the evening anchored in the middle of a lake to the boat of other very, very dear friends; eating and laughing and then eating some more.

Yup, I am truly blessed. But by last night I collapsed from the exhaustion of the weekend and I hadn’t even gone hiking!

I’m not speaking of a physical exhaustion persay (although that was very much present as well); it was more of an emotional one. The weekend left me in a state of sensory overload and I felt myself slowly begin to crash and burn somewhere in the latter part of yesterday afternoon; leaving me restless, nauseous to the core, my heart palpitating out of my chest, my eyes welling up with tears and my brain completely overwhelmed as it wandered to a dark and dismal place. All of my senses were in overdrive.

As I said above I had a really nice weekend and I am beyond grateful that I got to witness my dear friend marry her beloved on Saturday afternoon and that I got to spend the entire day Sunday out on the water with friends who mean the world to Rich and I. 

I am so grateful knowing that I have so many amazing people in my life to share these special moments with and who I also know I can always be myself around no matter what. But still, I have learned to adapt, to fake it till I make it and to hide behind my mask as best as I can for the sake of others.

I know that “smiling through depression” and anxiety may be confusing to those who don’t live with a mental illness or love someone who may be suffering with one but just try to imagine for a moment the feeling you’d get while holding your breath under water for an extended period of time, gasping for air; it’s enough to leave anyone breathless and exhausted.

#burnout #sensoryoverload  #smilingthroughdepression #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #depression #anxiety #emotionallyexhausted #blessed #friendshipgoals #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough 

https://www.facebook.com/reel/443769291041815?extid=chYV2B&fs=e

It’s been a week 😑 but I’m looking forward to an entire weekend filled with friendship and love ❤️. 

“Self-blame is one of the most toxic forms of emotional abuse” and pain there is.

It makes you feel inadequate. 

It fills you with hopelessness. 

It’s paralyzing. 

I feel like the walls are closing in on me, like I can’t do this anymore. 

I put my trust in God. 

I keep thinking positive thoughts. 

Now what?

It all just feels like a losing battle but at least they’ll never say she didn’t try. 

I tell myself that things will get better. Things have to get better tomorrow. 

#iwillbeok #slippingthroughmyfingers #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #iamenough #thingshavetogetbetter #suicideawareness

Someone recently asked me to share with them all the positive affects depression has had on my life. It sounds strange but I have never shied away from acknowledging all the amazing parts of me that I have discovered or the many feats I have accomplished if not for my illness.

Three years ago today is definitely at the top of that list and one of the most exciting and fulfilling days of my entire life when the first shipment of my children’s book which I’d spent the previous 18 months working on arrived on my front porch. It was everything I’d envisioned it to be and more. There have been many obstacles thrown my way since publishing my book which you can read about here: (https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2021/08/16/monday-motivation-crushing-your-dreams/) but knowing that my book has had such a positive impact and touched so many lives by helping to guide parents, teachers, caregivers and loved ones help children (and adults) understand and cope with their feelings when someone they love is suffering with Depression is what I wish to focus on today. 

Today I wish to focus on resilience, dreams, goals and purpose. 

I made a recording of myself reading my book this morning that I wanted to share with you. 

Please feel free to share with someone you love who you know could benefit from reading “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?”, a classroom setting or if you would like your own personal signed copy, DM me today.

#wheredidmommyssmilego #depression #childrensbook #author #selfpublished #reading #children #understandingdepression #ouryouthmatter #resilience #goals #dreams #purpose #yourmentalhealthmatters #advocate #blogger #writer   

I did something really stupid yesterday. 

I’m too ashamed to tell you.

My actions were reckless and dangerous.

I’m okay but in the interim I betrayed Rich’s trust and broke a promise I made to my Psychiatrist. 

I feel like all I’m doing is surviving lately. I’m on autopilot and I’m really tired; really, really tired.

Today’s #summerofrich theme focused on family, friendship and rejuvenation. 

#mentalhealth #mentalillness #depression #anxiety #suicideawareness #suicidalideations #brokenpromises #betrayal #trust #rejuvenation #familymatters #friendship #swimming

JACOB! JACOB! JACOB!
RACHEL! RACHEL! RACHEL! 
(shout out to all the Jan Brady’s in the world!)

Hannah became our middle child eleven days after she turned three years old and has been fighting the science behind whether or not “middle child syndrome” is a real thing ever since. She even gained honorable recognition for her arguments during a grade 5 public speaking contest on the topic.

Being the middle child may often mean being overshadowed by your siblings or feeling the need to compete with them for the attention of their parents. 

But being the middle child also builds character and strength and empathy which are all very empowering skills to acquire at a young age and will often lead to developing great leadership and teamworking skills later on in life.

If you look at the positive side you will also see that being the middle child gives you the best of both worlds by always having an older sibling there to look out for you and a younger sibling for whom you can mentor. 

Being the middle child takes a certain kind of sole, a role that I believe has helped shape Hannah into our peacekeeper, most flexible and even-tempered child. Her ego is always in check, she’s a good listener, an empathetic ear and a great role model. 

And let’s be honest, if you were to compare your sibling birth order to that of an oreo cookie, who here could argue that the middle of the oreo cookie isn’t the best part!

Happy National Middle Child Day Hannah! We love you to the moon and back, forever and a day!!

Feel free to tag all your favourite middle children in your life and if you yourself are a middle child give yourself some extra kindness and love today!

#nationalmiddlechildday #birthorder #janbrady #marshamarshamarsha #middlechildsyndrome #bestbigsister #littlesis #inthemiddle #oreocookie #mentalhealth #leadership #teamwork #youareenough

*Sensitive Content; Trigger Warning*

“I don’t know how much value I have in this universe, but I do know that I’ve made a few people happier than they would have been without me, and as long as I know that, I’m as rich as I ever need to be.” ~ Robin Williams, aka Mork from Ork, 1978.

Today marks the 8th year anniversary since Robin Williams tragically took his life. I was just 4 months into my own mental health journey the day he died. Moments before I had read the news of his passing on my phone I’d been sitting in my car, all alone in a parking lot, my family and friends not knowing my whereabouts (once again), contemplating my own suicide (which I’ve shared openly about many times before in my blogs, youareenough712.wordpress.com). It wasn’t the first time in that 4 month period, nor has it been close to the last where I have thought about or acted upon my thoughts of suicide, but it was suddenly the first time I began to truly understand the depths of my illness.

As the news quickly spread of Robin’s death, friends and family began lighting up my phone, concerned for my safety. Easiest solution, I just shut it off. By now I was visibly shaken, alone and scared and my only thought I had right after the initial shock was “if someone of Robin Williams’ stature who seemingly had it all could take his own life then what the heck am I waiting for?”

I’ve been in a very vulnerable state lately. Personally, life is really fucking hard right now and with each passing day it’s getting even harder to find anything positive to focus on. I honestly feel (or maybe it’s just wishful thinking) like I’m living on an entirely different planet these days, much like Mork, where no one speaks my language, feeling completely detached from the real world. 

I’m holding on tightly to the quote I posted above to honour Robin’s memory today and to honour me. I may be holding on by a very thin thread right now but none the less I’m holding on. 

#robinwilliams #anniversary #suicideawareness #suicideprevention #morkfromork #morkandmindy #aliensamongus #mentalhealth #stateofmind #depression #anxiety #planetearth #theuniverse #mentalillness #youarenotalone #youareenough #blogger #advocate #childrensbookauthor #nanunanu

“The best view comes after the hardest climb” ~ unknown 

I just received my “digital badge” via email from the private Facebook group which I belong to called “Ontario Hiking” for completing July’s ‘Ontario Hiking Challenge’. 

I first told you about this group a year ago after deciding to participate in last summer’s ‘Ontario Hiking Challenge’ (see blog: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2021/08/11/monday-motivation-badge-of-honour/). 

These challenges take place quarterly (January, April, July and October) and are a great motivator for me (not quite yet in January though). All you need to do in order to receive your “badge of honour” is hike (or walk) at least 5 times during those particular months while exploring our beautiful Province.

I’m sure it may sound silly to many readers that receiving some goofy “digital badge” from a Facebook group would get me all excited but motivation in any form can help someone to achieve their goals. 

And right now I need all the motivation I can get as I continue to deal with many life setbacks. Right now I need as many ways as possible to inspire myself to keep moving forward. Right now, more than ever I need all the help I can get in order to follow my growth.

It’s a process, one that has been long and tiresome but I know that the harder I climb the better the view there will be.

@OntarioHiking #OntarioHikingChallenge #mentalhealth #OntarioHiking #mentalwellness #mountains #nature #summerofrich #selfcare #lifesetbacks #movingmountains #motivation #youareenough #youarenotalone #selfreflection #itsoktonotbeokay #itstheclimb #suicideawareness #suicideprevention

I can still remember my parents taking me and my brother to the movie theatre to see “Grease”. I was 7 years old. I felt like such a grown-up. I’ve lost count by now of how many times I’ve watched it since then (or forced my kids to watch it with me!) or seen a musical production of it (including the many camp productions too). I get chills (they multiple) everytime I watch it or hear the music.

I can also still remember blasting my stereo and dancing around my room to Olivia Newton-John’s smash hit song “Physical”, dreaming I could sing just like her. The implied sexual content went way over my innocent 10 year old head.

I’ve been a big fan of Olivia Newton-John’s ever since that first trip to the movie theatre with my parents back in 1978 and I have continued to follow her career, her advocacy and her personal journey, including her very courageous 30 year battle with breast cancer. She will be missed by many. I will always be “hopelessly devoted to you”. RIP. “Goodbye to Sandra Dee”.

#childhoodmemories #greaselightning #fanfavorite #RIP #fcancer #dannyandsandyforever #breastcancer #mentalhealth #sandradee #iconic

Well then you are not alone. 

It is especially common to have such an amplified negative perception of yourself; whether true or not when battling anxiety or other types of mood and personality disorders.

Hate is a very intense and strong emotion and one that can really take its  toll on your health.

I have an incredible support system in my life. My friends are forever checking in on me and when plans are made with them they are always going out of their way to accommodate my often long list of limitations and boundaries to ensure I feel safe and comfortable no matter the situation (attending my girlfriend’s bridal shower yesterday afternoon was no exception 殺). 

Yet my illness still continually tries to tell me that everyone hates me and that the world would be much better off without me in it.

When you are constantly worrying about what everyone else thinks of you, somewhere along the way you stop liking yourself and you quickly lose sight of all the wonderful things about you while trying to meet the expectations or approval of others or at the very least, their version of who you should be. 

Although extremely difficult, I still continue to fight each and every day to try and not lose sight of all the amazing parts of me even though it’s so much easier to focus all my attention on my negative beliefs and just ignore the positive ones completely. 

We have no control over how others view us so it’s best to just do you and if someone doesn’t understand why you do the things you do try and cut them some slack; afterall, you may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but that’s okay. 

This past week has been excruciatingly painful; mentally, physically and personally. My spirit is broken and simply put, it feels way beyond repair. 

Several friends rallied around. I know in my heart that I am worthy of love but more importantly, that I am loved and I am holding on to that feeling for dear life right now with an abundance of gratitude and appreciation.

#brokenspirit #selflove #hate #selfhate #friendship #loveyourself #gratitude #appreciation #youarenotalone #negativeselftalk #youareenough #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #depression #treatmentresistant #anxiety #suicidalideations #suicideawareness 

I need to keep telling myself that what feels too hard today is not necessarily permanent even though every part of my life “right now” feels like forever. It’s a very dark and lonely place to be.  When everything feels so permanent like it does today I try to add the words “right now” to the end of each negative thought to get me through the really hard days “right now”. It’s a great tool to use which allows me to try and focus forward and it reminds me that when something feels so permanent “right now” that it doesn’t mean it always will be that way.

I feel like a burden…right now.

I feel hopeless…right now.

I feel unworthy…right now.

I feel useless…right now.

I feel like a failure…right now.

This is where I’m at “right now”.

I am not okay…right now.

I hate myself…right now.

I gotta believe that nothing lasts forever. 

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cgz_5ICJW4e/?igshid=MDJmNzVkMjY=

#nothinglastsforever #rightnow #imnotokay #youareenough #mentalhealth #toomuch #mentalwellness #youarenotalone #wheredidmommyssmilego #startaconversation #suicideawareness #suicideprevention