I had a really wonderful couple of days away at our friend’s cottage and so grateful for it. Many of you saw the abundance of pics I posted to my social media pages to prove it, and besides, how could I not have loved every moment of it knowing I was safe in the arms of my precious family and friends; friends who we met by chance over 20 years ago when our youngest were just a few days old, (they are 3 days apart in age). Friends who have since become our chosen family.

We all have such fond memories from our trips to the cottage, which have taken place twice a year (once in the summer and once in the winter) for a majority of these years. Our kids have become more than just “family” friends to one another. Over the years, they have become each other’s confidants, created their own private group chat which they use often and consider one another to be more like brothers and sisters; minus all the sibling rivalry bullsh*t. 

The time we spend together feels easy. 

But still, my illness is always present, even if others don’t see it. It was present in the days leading up to going to the cottage, it was present while enjoying quality time with my family and friends at the cottage and it was present just after we cleaned up from our delicious taco dinner our gracious hostess made for us last night when I began to crash. A flood of emotions filled me up inside and out. I’d reached my limit. I was in sensory overload and my brain overstimulated. The noise, the happy chaos, the overstimulation and too much stimuli had taken its toll on both my body and mind.

The negative self-talk escalated. The rumination began. I felt unlovable and worthless. An immediate fight or flight response overwhelmed me and I needed to escape the noise and happy chaos and even the abundance of laughter happening so I quickly retreated to my room before a full on panic attack ensued and the tears began to flow. It’s the type of noise and chaos everyone longs for in their lives and the laughter we all dream of (like on Christmas morning when the kids excitedly wake up before dawn to open their presents and even though we don’t actually celebrate it I’ve always envied it) but sadly my illness and now my many present day and unrelenting physical health issues no longer allow room for me to truly ever escape my body or mind to just be in the joy of the moment for too long. 

I think if the last week has proven anything, between trying to get used to a working environment where the sounds of chatter in my ear all day and telephones always ringing are triggers to me, and our cottage getaway where happy chaos ran amuck it’s that I may need to start walking through life wearing noise cancelling headphones in order to allow my body and mind the space and safety they need to calm me down, that is, if I ever wanna give myself a fighting chance to be able to stay present in these moments which so many others get to take for granted.

***the pic I attatched of all the kids was taken at the cottage back in 2006 and again last summer when they tried to replicate the original photo. Life has sure changed alot since the first photo was taken but I am blessed in the belief that some things never will 🤗. 

My wish for the new year is that everyone reading this have happy chaos and laughter surrounding them always.

#cutenessoverload #itsalwayspresent #sensoryoverload #stimuli #cottagelife #qualitytime #familytime #chosenfamily #siblingrivalry #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #depression #anxiety #panicattacks #somethingsneverchange #noisecancellingheadphones #breathe #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough #youarenotalone #laughter #happychaos #bodyandmind 

My refuge for the next couple of days; with my family and friends by my side.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.
Wishing love, light & peace to everyone.

#mentalhealth #mentalwellness #refuge #cottagelife #youarenotalone #friendswhoarefamily #friendship #familytime #qualitytime #rest #rejuvenation #relaxation #winterwonderland #christmasday #escapefromthecity #makeawish #dreamoutloud

What is one food you eat that always brings you back in time to a happy or comforting holiday memory?

#memories #comfortfood #childhood #latkes #chanukah #sugarandspice #christmaseve #happyholidays #mentalwellness #timeforreflection

#shabbatshalom #chanukah #hanukkah #hanukah #nightsix #winterstorm #itschristmastime #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #lightandlove #candlesglowing

I had a Zoom call yesterday morning with the Assistant to a Specialist my Psychiatrist referred me to 8 long months ago. After our brief conversation she said she needed to relay her notes back to the Doctor to see if he would be able to help me. She was honest right from the get-go and told me she had her doubts. My lengthy list of neurological issues have basically stumped every one I’ve encountered thus far, most of whom choose to pass the buck; many without even meeting me in person first. My favorite one so far has to be a phone call I had back in July with a Neurologist who told me “a circuit broke in my brain the day of my treatment and hopefully it will fix itself one day.” 

*Newsflash, it’s going on 9 months next week and if anything it’s actually been getting worse as each new layer of stress is added to my life.

The Assistant called me back later in the day like she said she would to let me know her hunch was right and that I should think about exploring other avenues but that the doctor would be willing to examine me in person if I’d like (insert sigh here). 

I’ve been exploring every possible avenue for like forever and a day now. I’ve continued to fight back against both my mental and physical health time and time again so that I don’t feel like I’m merely surviving but each time I just keep getting hit with another roadblock and have to start from scratch.

I’m exhausted. I’m starting to feel as though I’m a lost cause and that nothing or nobody can “fix me”. I honestly just want to give up. I don’t know if I have the strength to fight anymore, maybe merely surviving is all I have left in me.

Sorry, it’s just been one of those days.

#deadend #merelysurviving #nomorefight #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #depression #anxiety #pgad #brainzaps #neurologicaldamage #igiveup #passthebuck 

https://www.facebook.com/reel/1174101279876988?mibextid=9drbnH&s=yWDuG2&fs=e (click link to watch link attached)

I may say this alot but it never gets old. I am BEYOND lucky to have so much genuine love and support in my life. I am feeling especially grateful right now for all the encouraging messages and texts (and on my social media pages too!) I received from friends and loved ones throughout my day yesterday just letting me know they were thinking about me and wanting to make sure I was doing okay. The kindness continued well into the evening with many more friends, acquaintances and loved ones making sure I survived day one of my new job and letting me know how proud they were of me.

Spoiler alert: I did survive day one (I know you all had faith I would) but not without its many challenges. At times I wanted to break down in tears and run for the nearest exit (which happens to be right across from my desk). 

Yesterday left me feeling mentally exhausted and physically torchered. I came home from work, collapsed on the couch and then asked Rich to give me a double dose of Ativan to help calm me down and assure I could get some sleep last night. I slept 6 full hours…in a row (thanks to that double dose); something I haven’t done in forever. I don’t remember the last time I slept more than 2 hours consistently. The thought of sitting up ruminating all night while feeling so mentally exhausted but still unable to close my eyes sounded even more excruciating than normal. 

You know it’s pretty easy for me to hide behind my mask (a metaphoric one that is) in front of others which now includes my new colleagues who have no clue to what extent (or at all really) that I suffer with my mental health morning, noon and night or even what it took for me to just get out of bed Monday morning in order to get to work at all.

But now I’ve got another whole layer of neurological issues I’m dealing with on top of everything else which have become much more difficult for me to mask because many of them present themselves on the outside. When I’m feeling overwhelmed, anxious and exhausted these issues seem to be exasperated and yesterday was no exception. Just hearing the sound of laughter echoing throughout my office during the day or hearing the sound of doors opening and closing made my entire nervous system feel like it was on fire, causing my symptoms to flare up really badly. When I’m at the point of no return it becomes impossible to focus, sit still or concentrate on even the simplest of tasks. At one point in the afternoon while sitting with my new boss who was showing me around the computer program I will need to learn (definitely a major change since I worked there some 15 years ago) she began to notice my uncontrollable and unbearable twitching and spasms. I liken myself these days to that of a Mexican jumping bean.

And even though she couldn’t see what was happening on the inside, especially the severe nausea, numbness, tingling and shakiness that come along with my flare ups, she noticed my odd behaviours that I so desperately tried to hide and then she asked me if I was okay. 

At that moment I wanted to run and hide. I was so embarrassed. I tried to laugh it off, I didn’t want her to see my flaws, I didn’t want her to regret hiring such a hot mess but I also didn’t want to feel like I needed to apologize either. As I tried to laugh it off, embarrassed and feeling ashamed I told her I am dealing with some issues at the moment, hence needing time off here and there for upcoming appointments which she had been totally cool with, in fact she is totally cool. I promised her when I am ready I would share more. She too then nervously laughed it off and we continued with the task at hand (she was probably thinking, what the heck have I gotten myself into). 

I was off today as per a couple of those previously scheduled appointments I had booked prior to being hired (one of which helped me with some breathing techniques and exercises I can try and do while sitting at my desk when my flare ups get really bad) and tomorrow morning I have another such appointment on Zoom (with the specialist’s assistant I have been waiting almost 9 months now to speak with). I will go to work after I am finished our call. For me, easing in slowly and training while it is seemingly quiet during the next couple of weeks is probably the best thing for me right now.

As per my new boss who is amazing and patient and caring, I’m wondering if she regrets that she probably didn’t google my name before offering me the job!

#firstdayrecap #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #nervoussystem #neurologicaldisorder #pgad #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough #pelvicfloor #depression #anxiety #suicidalideations #mentalillness #onedayatatime #myhealthcomesfirst #physicalhealth #myjourney #blogger

Feeling a whole lot of feelings today.

#dayone #thejourney #destinationunknown #heregoesnothing #theroadinfrontofme #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough #anxiety #panic #depression

From our family to yours,
Happy Chanukah.

May peace, love and joy come to you during the Festival of Lights.

#happychanukah #peacejoylove #cousins #family #festivaloflights