YouAreEnough

https://fb.watch/kg70TXNmHF/?mibextid=6aamW6

Yesterday after returning home from dropping Rachel off at the airport both Rich and I needed a distraction and a #summerofrich hike was not in the cards for us as it was pouring rain so it seemed like the perfect afternoon to  see the new film adaptation from Judy Blume’s classic book “Are You There God It’s Me Margaret”, which is now sadly one of many books that have since been banned.


I knew it would be light and funny. It did not disappoint. It still didn’t stop me from getting very emotional either.


Having grown up reading Judy Blume books I dreamed of becoming an author just like her. Although her books are purely fiction based they always felt so relatable, especially this one. 


It’s a timeless story about a young adolescent girl on the verge of womanhood having to start over in a new city.


I was once that same shy little girl who only days after arriving home from overnight camp one summer (just like Margaret), packed up the life I’d always known and moved with my family to a new city, 5 hours away. I knew no one when I got to my new home only days before the start of a new school year. I had to build all new friendships (just like Margaret), which I did and I am grateful to still be friends with some of them today. When I look back now, almost 44 years later, there is truly no other place I’d rather have called home during those formative years and beyond.


It’s been several decades now since I read “Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret?”, yet every memory of those awkward, messy and weird prepubescent years took me right back to that little girl in me as I watched the movie. From the time in grade 6 when all the girls attended an assembly with their moms and the best advice we were given at the time was; don’t wear white pants, to playing spin the bottle and 7 minutes in heaven at our first boy/girl parties, to buying my first bra, to where I was when I got my first period (it was overnight camp by the way and I was scared and felt very alone; but at least I came well prepared!), to practicing “we must, we must, we must increase our busts with my girlfriends.


Yup it was an awkward, messy and weird time those prepubescent years. 


You must, you must, you must see the movie!


#areyoutheregoditsmemargaret #adolescence #prepubescent #firsts #bannedbooks #classic #relatable #awkwardmessyandweird  #wemustwemust #mentalhealth #relationships #mentalwellness #ouryouthmatter #reading 

And she’s off…on what is likely to be the greatest and most meaningful experience/summer of her life. 


Her adventure begins with a 10-day trip on “Birthright Israel”. 

For those of you who may not know, Birthright is a not-for-profit organization that offers free, organized trips to young Jewish adults (between the age of 18 and 26 years old). This incredible gift offers 10 jam-packed, fun filled days exploring Israel, combined with thrilling adventures, culture, history, education, growth and friendship. 

Next up after Birthright, Rachel will spend an additional 5 weeks in Israel at an internship program through “Onward Israel”, working for an Architecture firm on their design team as she continues to work towards gaining experience for her University Degree in Interior Design and fulfilling her lifelong dream thereafter. 

She will then return home for TWO whole days later in June before heading off to overnight camp as head staff for the remainder of the summer. The same place that became her second home during many of her adolescent years. 

I am almost certain I will be an anxious mess while she embarks on the greatest and most meaningful adventure of her life (Rich is more than certain I will be an anxious mess) but nonetheless I am so beyond proud and excited for you Rachel. 

I promised her I wouldn’t cry when we said goodbye…ok, so I may have told a little white lie, but who’s kidding who? Did she actually believe that wouldn’t happen? I honestly thought she knew me better than that by now 🤪.


Wishing you safe travels Rachel and have the bestest time ever!

**Just one final piece of motherly advice I want you to take with you on your travels and throughout your lifetime, “Be BOLD, Be BRAVE, Be YOU.” 



#Birthright #summerofalifetime #experience #internship #Architect #designteam #mentalhealth #growth #mentalwellness #proudmama #interiordesign #camp #headstaff #homeawayfromhome #Israel #thepromisedland #meaningfulexperience #Jewishexperience #onwardisrael #loveyoutothemoonandback #foreverandaday #mybabyisallgrownup 

Tonight I will be celebrating my greatest treasures. 


It will be an intimate dinner at home and there will be cake.


Tonight we will be celebrating what truly matters most to me; my family.  


Tonight will be the last time we will all be together until late August as my kids get ready to embark on some pretty exciting and meaningful, once in a lifetime adventures throughout the coming months (the first departure leaves tomorrow afternoon).

There will be many significant occasions missed while they are away, so tonight we will toast to them as a family. It’s those micro-moments of joy I cherish most when I get to share them with my family; and eat cake.

Having had 3 kids so close in age came with its own set of challenges but some days I wish more than anything that we could go back to that time, a time in my life which felt so much simpler and easier for me; but unfortunately that’s the thing about time, once it’s gone, it’s gone for good.


Don’t get me wrong though, I love who my kids are becoming today and how much those once adorable little Munchkins have since grown into beautiful, hardworking, resilient young adults;  But boy did this stage of their lives ever come on fast and hard.


They all love the thrill of adventure and they especially love to travel. They want to see the world through their own eyes and I really admire that about them. In fact I’m really quite envious of them. It’s something I wish I could’ve done at their age or would’ve been able to do, despite all my crazy anxieties. 

And despite all the hardships and obstacles our family continues to face,  they are living their best life right now and they are finding their own way in this great, big, messy, yet still magical world we live in. 


But still I can’t help but miss those simpler, easier days for me; singing along to barney tunes in the car, splash pads and weekly outings to Canada’s Wonderland, the fresh scent of baby after a warm bath, arts and crafts projects, bedtime rituals and where hugs were given out so freely on a daily basis. 


I wasn’t sick during those early years. I worried less (like A LOT less) and felt those micro-moments of joy way more. I didn’t carry that heavy burden of guilt with me like I do today; the feeling like I’ve let them down as their mom, taken away their innocence or stolen a piece of their childhood from them. But what has never waivered over time and never will is that no matter what, I will always be their loudest cheerleader, their strongest ally and their biggest advocate. 

My kids are thriving and I am so proud of who they are becoming in this great, big, messy, yet still magical world. I’m reminded often by others that despite me feeling like I’ve let them down as their mom, taken away their innocence or stolen a piece of their childhood from them, that I may have actually played a hand in their becoming.  


You know what will also make tonight complete? Watching the Leafs knock out Tampa Bay in their playoff series; yup that will definitely be a micro-moment of joy for my entire family!


#family #becoming #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #childhood #mythreereasonswhy #ouryouthmatter #travel #adventure #innocence #micromomentsofjoy #celebrating #familymatters #eatcake #mytreasures #goleafsgo

Later on this afternoon I have an appointment to see a specialist at a downtown Toronto Hospital; just one of the many I’ve seen over the past year. My Psychiatrist made this particular referral for me just under a year ago now. Eleven and a half months to be exact. Damn our fucking healthcare system.


It was a year ago this coming week when I finally found just enough strength to open up to not only Rich but to my entire care team as well about how much I was actually suffering since I had participated in the clinical research trial for Psilocybin a month earlier where I lay convulsing for nearly 6 hours, curled up on a very uncomfortable couch, sweat pouring off me, a dark mask covering my eyes and a set of headphones blasting very distressing music in my ears. I wanted to rip my skin off.


For the entire month following the treatment I kept trying to convince myself that the side effects would go away soon, or better, the symptoms were all in my head; neither of which were true. Instead the symptoms kept persisting and were becoming more and more unbearable to live with and at which time I knew I could no longer suffer in silence; even as awkward, uncomfortable, embarrassing and difficult as it was for me to talk about. 


I felt so defeated. I knew by then that the treatment hadn’t helped my mental health and on top of it all I was now living with severe neurological issues which are still very prevalent today. As I’ve mentioned many times over the past year, most days I feel a constant tingling sensation in my hands and feet, brain zaps, blurred vision, shakiness, numbness, muscle aches and weakness in my hands, body tremors, an overwhelming sensitivity to touch and noise and a very rare, unbearable and unrelenting disorder in my nether regions better known as PGAD (https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/23998-persistent-genital-arousal-disorder) which I opened up about in a blog last Fall, desperately hoping someone could possibly help me (https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2022/09/20/tmi/). 


Today’s appointment is specifically connected to my latter issue. The only referral my Psychiatrist has made over the last year in regards to this unbearable and unrelenting disorder that wasn’t immediately declined by specialists as most doctors have not been educated enough or knowledgeable about how to treat it; at least in Canada that is (it’s still a fairly new and under-researched disorder). This specialist may very well end up being no different than the rest as he admittedly told both myself and my Psychiatrist right after having my virtual intake appointment last year with his assistant that he doesn’t think he can help with my condition but at least he is willing to meet with me, and do an examination and some further testing too.


I’ve tried so hard to be “patient”. I’ve tried so hard to stay hopeful and I’m trying so hard to keep fighting. I made a promise to myself a couple of weeks ago that I would wait until the end of this month before making any further decisions as to the next steps of my journey. So for today and through to the end of what is likely to be a very emotionally charged weekend for me (stay tuned) I will try hard to be patient, stay hopeful and keep fighting; and maybe, just maybe, at the end of the day it will have all been worth the wait.


#specialist #pgad #worththewait #neurologicaldamage #Psilocybin #clinicaltrial #mentalhealth #mentalwellness  #treatmentresistantdepression #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #askingforhelp #weekend #emotionallycharged #persistent #neurodysfunction #mountsinai #surgeon #hospital #urogynaecology

It’s been nearly six years now since I started my Blog. I had already been sharing my journey for some time by then on my personal social media pages and I was receiving such an outpouring of positive response from it that I decided to take it one step further. My goal that day was to try and reach a broader audience and gain more exposure. 


My Blog has since reached every Continent around the globe and has allowed me to make so many incredible connections. 


Mental illness knows no boundaries. 


My mind on any given day is usually going approximately 100 km an hour but writing allows me to slow it down. Being able to express my own personal vulnerabilities to the world has saved me time and time again. Knowing that by sharing my journey has inspired so many people and helped so many more feel less ashamed and alone is truly all the adrenaline I need which is why writing has become my drug of choice, both literally and figuratively.


I have learned so much about myself through my Blogging. I have become a better writer because of my Blogging. I have gained so much more knowledge and understanding about mental illnesses due to my Blogging and most importantly I have opened up so many critical conversations because of my Blogging. 


It has given me purpose. 


I reached a new milestone on my Blog site this week. I was notified that I had published my 1000th Blog post. I felt very proud when I received the notification of my accomplishment; and as my Gen Z kids all tell me, it’s pretty darn “Slay”!


Youareenough712.wordpress.com 


#slay #slang #WordPress #genz #blogger #blogging #onethousand #blogsite #mentalhealth #writing #writer #author #accomplishment #goals #sharing #myjourney #socialmedia #selfcare #purpose #startaconversation #youarenotalone #youareenough 

Earlier this week I shared with you some very sacred moments of joy I’d had. There were many other more private moments too that hadn’t been captured on film, but just as sacred to me, one such moment being just last night spending the evening with friends cheering on the Leafs as they won game 3 of the playoffs in overtime!

I call these moments, “micro-moments of joy”. I savour each and every one of them just the same. I write them down, I share some of them and I store them all in my memory for later.

The experiences I had shared earlier in the week (https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2023/04/19/escape-from-my-reality/) were very real “micro-moments” of joy for me but to be completely honest my week overall was pretty fucking shitty. It was…A LOT for me to handle. What you can’t see from the pictures I shared was the anxiety that followed me all the way to the event and how my depression took control of my mind early on during the evening which is why I am always so grateful for every “micro-moment” of joy I feel. 

Depression and anxiety are very selfish. They can be relentless and are always craving your attention. They prefer that you don’t feel joy at all. They wear you down and it’s effing exhausting. 

I’ve learned though to embrace all of my emotions equally, even the negative ones because if I were to always try and avoid the negative ones, I am doubtful I would be able to feel any joy at all.

Today I went purposefully in search of some of those “micro-moments of joy” during our #summerofrich adventure. I made a point of noticing what makes me smile, what calms me (be sure to listen to the birds chirping and stream flowing in videos attached) and what makes me breathe a little easier. I am truly grateful for all of these moments. 

Share with me some of your own “micro-moments of joy” you experienced this week.


#micromoments #joy #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #mentalwellness #embracingyouremotions #birdschirping #soundsofstreams #nature #springtime #cherryblossoms #blackcreektrail #calcumetcollege #momentsofjoy #goleafsgo #playoffhockey

Just a mere 24 hours ago I was minding my business at work when I received an incoming video chat from my friend Janis. I picked up the phone only to see Angela (@deemangela) from the 90-Day Fiance reality show franchise on the other end of the line and now somehow, here I am tonight with my girlfriend Lily by my side as invited guests of Angie’s at the Gala Fundraiser and Book Launch for her dear “Canadian” friend Billy (as seen on 90-Day Fiancé). I’m still not really sure how all this happened, but here we both are, beyond appreciative for the experience tonight which included befriending one of the Real Housewives of Toronto @karaalloway! 

Billy has been battling kidney disease for the past 6 years now and continues to be on a lifesaving search for a kidney transplant. Tonight’s event was hosted by Billy himself to raise awareness and funds in order to purchase new dialysis chairs and equipment for the Toronto General Hospital’s “Home Hemo Dialysis Unit”; a place very near and dear to his heart.

If I thought my FaceTime call from Angela yesterday was the coolest thing ever; tonight was the cherry on top! 

Thanks to everyone who made this happen for me. It was definitely a welcomed distraction from my own “reality” right now.

My apologies to all the 90-Day Fiance fans reading this but I’m not allowed to disclose some top secret events from the evening 😉

To follow Billy’s courageous journey please go to his Tik Tok account @originalthiefofhearts.

P.S…I wish I brought my earplugs!


#angie #queen #90dayfiance #realitytv #breakfromreality #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #anighttoremember #cherryontop #realitytv #tlc #starstruck #themanyfacesofdepression #anxiety #momentsofjoy #swagbag

When someone invalidates or dismisses your thoughts, feelings, emotions and behaviours it can be very hurtful and upsetting.

It makes you feel judged, rejected, ignored and that your words don’t matter. 

It can make you question everything and even though sometimes it’s coming from a good place with no real ill-intent, like when someone tells you “it could be worse” or “maybe you just misunderstood”; playing down another person’s experiences doesn’t hurt any less.

When we invalidate another person’s thoughts, emotions and behaviours it can lead to distrust, self-doubt, the belief that your feelings are wrong and that you are worthless.

Invalidation can lead to symptoms of depression and anxiety and when someone is already suffering with a mental illness it can lead to worsening symptoms. 

And when an adult is continually dismissing a child’s thoughts, feelings and behaviours it can have a much higher tendency to have long lasting effects on their mental health or stronger reactions to certain situations making them unable to manage their emotional responses to events later on in their lives.

Finding the right words to say and being more aware of the language you use when speaking to others is a great place to start when trying to develop healthy relationships in your life.

#healthyrelationships #invalidation #validation #emotions #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youmatter #yourfeelingsmatter #kindnessisfree #healthyrelationships #selfdoubt 

Yesterday afternoon I went for another consult with a wig specialist. I had cancelled my original appointment with them a couple of weeks ago because, well, to be completely honest I was in a really bad headspace that weekend and had decided that nothing really mattered to me anymore and well, that of course included thoughts that I too no longer mattered either. 

Click here for the highlight reel from yesterday: https://www.facebook.com/reel/1916305798762669?sfnsn=mo&s=F5x8gs&fs=e&mibextid=6AJuK9

I have still not been able to make any clear or concise decisions as to what my next steps will be and I’m still in a really bad headspace as well due to so many difficult elements of my life I’m dealing with right now. Yesterday’s consult seemed to only add to my confusion and overwhelming feelings, especially while Rich and I sat there for the better part of an hour while I tried on a variety of wigs with the lovely and well-meaning technician, listening to her rave on and on about how stunning my own hair was. Although really not helpful in my decision making process, I couldn’t really argue with her, seeing as though I’ve always felt like it’s my best feature and is one of many reasons why if I do choose to go ahead with the procedure I want to be able to donate part of my hair to a local charity just prior to it.


In case you have missed what I am talking about, click here for further details: https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2023/03/14/hardest-decision-ever-your-thoughts-and-prayers-are-most-welcome/. 


The appointment took alot out of me yesterday afternoon so instead of taking advantage of the gorgeous summer-like temperatures like I normally would have by going on a #summerofrich adventure, all I wanted to do when we were done was go home and curl up on my couch. Both my body and mind seemed to be screaming at the sentiment too because I ended up falling asleep for close to two hours which is something I rarely do.


I truly wish that someone else could make all of these very difficult decisions I have on my plate right now for me but I know that’s not possible. I’ve given myself a deadline to the end of this month though to make any final decisions after I contend with several upcoming appointments I have scheduled over the next couple of weeks including a meeting with my Psychiatrist later this week, plus my long awaited in person examination on the 28th with a specialist he had referred me to close to a year ago for some of the many neurological issues I’m still patiently waiting to “fix” themselves (even though the Doctor had basically told me during our phone consultation several months ago that he is doubtful he can help me!) and I also have a note in my calendar (for close to two months now) reminding me to follow-up with the care coordinator from M.A.I.D who had asked that I call them back in mid to late April as she was hoping that by then their “Assessors” would be all caught up from the “backlog” of “Track One” patients they’d been needing to attend to first. 


In the meantime she’d asked that I please continue to keep fighting and keep building my case by consulting with any and all additional treatment options and specialists I can find which of course I have been diligently doing and which now includes a specialist who doesn’t think he will be able to help me, a Guru in San Diego, a.k.a, a sexual medicine Dr. who specializes in pgad, something that doesn’t seem to exist in Canada with the amount of research me and my care team have done over the past year but nevertheless I can’t afford to go see him anyway and then there is also this opportunity to participate in a clinical research trial for “Deep Brain Stimulation” that may or may not help relieve some of my symptoms of my unrelenting “treatment resistant depression” and debilitating anxiety disorders, but I’d need to shave my head before I will ever know.


It’s all just alot…too much in fact on most days lately. Today however is “World Semicolon Day”, a day that I’ve been commemorating for many years now and the reason why I had a tattoo permanently etched in ink on my left shoulder blade about 8 years ago which has become a symbol of hope to others in the world of mental health and a growing awareness to suicide prevention. A semicolon, which is a punctuation mark indicating a pause in a sentence, not an ending has also become a daily reminder to me that my story isn’t quite over yet. It’s symbolism is certainly never lost on me as I continue to try and fight for my life each and every single day.


Check out my blog I wrote about the significance of my semicolon tattoo: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2019/04/16/today-is-world-semicolon-day/


#worldsemicolonday #symbolism #wigs #hope #suicideawareness #treatmentresistantdepresssion #anxiety #pgad #neurological #myjourney #mystoryisntoveryet #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #youmatter #yourmentalhealthmatters 

Happy 12th birthday to my very spunky, silly and beyond adorable fur baby Maggie. You somehow always know just how to brighten up even my darkest days.

Check out my blog I wrote several years ago on a dog’s purpose. https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2018/04/21/a-dogs-purpose/

#happybirthday #mymaggie #iloveyoutothemonandback #foreverandaday #mentalhealth #pettherapy #adogspurpose #twelveyearsstrong #spunkypup