It’s Always Present

I had a really wonderful couple of days away at our friend’s cottage and so grateful for it. Many of you saw the abundance of pics I posted to my social media pages to prove it, and besides, how could I not have loved every moment of it knowing I was safe in the arms of my precious family and friends; friends who we met by chance over 20 years ago when our youngest were just a few days old, (they are 3 days apart in age). Friends who have since become our chosen family.

We all have such fond memories from our trips to the cottage, which have taken place twice a year (once in the summer and once in the winter) for a majority of these years. Our kids have become more than just “family” friends to one another. Over the years, they have become each other’s confidants, created their own private group chat which they use often and consider one another to be more like brothers and sisters; minus all the sibling rivalry bullsh*t. 

The time we spend together feels easy. 

But still, my illness is always present, even if others don’t see it. It was present in the days leading up to going to the cottage, it was present while enjoying quality time with my family and friends at the cottage and it was present just after we cleaned up from our delicious taco dinner our gracious hostess made for us last night when I began to crash. A flood of emotions filled me up inside and out. I’d reached my limit. I was in sensory overload and my brain overstimulated. The noise, the happy chaos, the overstimulation and too much stimuli had taken its toll on both my body and mind.

The negative self-talk escalated. The rumination began. I felt unlovable and worthless. An immediate fight or flight response overwhelmed me and I needed to escape the noise and happy chaos and even the abundance of laughter happening so I quickly retreated to my room before a full on panic attack ensued and the tears began to flow. It’s the type of noise and chaos everyone longs for in their lives and the laughter we all dream of (like on Christmas morning when the kids excitedly wake up before dawn to open their presents and even though we don’t actually celebrate it I’ve always envied it) but sadly my illness and now my many present day and unrelenting physical health issues no longer allow room for me to truly ever escape my body or mind to just be in the joy of the moment for too long. 

I think if the last week has proven anything, between trying to get used to a working environment where the sounds of chatter in my ear all day and telephones always ringing are triggers to me, and our cottage getaway where happy chaos ran amuck it’s that I may need to start walking through life wearing noise cancelling headphones in order to allow my body and mind the space and safety they need to calm me down, that is, if I ever wanna give myself a fighting chance to be able to stay present in these moments which so many others get to take for granted.

***the pic I attatched of all the kids was taken at the cottage back in 2006 and again last summer when they tried to replicate the original photo. Life has sure changed alot since the first photo was taken but I am blessed in the belief that some things never will 🤗. 

My wish for the new year is that everyone reading this have happy chaos and laughter surrounding them always.

#cutenessoverload #itsalwayspresent #sensoryoverload #stimuli #cottagelife #qualitytime #familytime #chosenfamily #siblingrivalry #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #depression #anxiety #panicattacks #somethingsneverchange #noisecancellingheadphones #breathe #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough #youarenotalone #laughter #happychaos #bodyandmind 

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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