In all likelihood if you try calling me there’s a very good chance you’re gonna get my voicemail, that is of course unless you are one of my kids or my husband. They know that unless it’s an emergency, it’s best though to give me a warning signal by sending me a text first.
I wrote a blog a couple of years ago titled “Call Me, Maybe” where I spoke about how making a phone call can cause me severe anxiety and how much more severe it becomes when my phone rings.
I much prefer to text, use Facebook messenger or even email with others unless I am in the right frame of mind to chat on the phone at that moment you call or I am prepared ahead of time to do so.
I welcome texts and messages with wide open arms, I enjoy receiving your emojis and silly GIFs and I especially love the distraction late at night when my mind is spinning out of control. I truly appreciate every time you reach out to me “just because” you are thinking of me or you simply want to chat but much like making or receiving that anxiety provoking phone call, reaching out “just because” to my friends and family via text is just as overwhelming.
Like with most every aspect of my life, my anxiety causes me to worry; ALOT and it also causes me to have severe heart palpitations day in and day out, including when I reach out to others via text message etc just to simply say “hi”; and more often than not it will cause my mind to spin into a downward spiral.
What if I’m bothering them, what if I’m burdening them with my problems, what if they’re too busy to chat, what if they’re tired of hearing my negative thoughts, what if I’m just too exhausting for them, what if I say something wrong or embarrassing, what if they will judge me or what if they simply don’t want to hear from me?
I know that most of these worries and fears are just my anxiety talking down to me yet everytime I go to send someone a text message these thoughts overwhelm me and feel very real in the moment.
The unknown possibilities are endless as to how someone will react when they receive a message from me and the guilt I feel for not being able to reach out more often is so unbearable at times.
I know I have lost relationships because of my inability to reciprocate but sadly the deadly combination of having a depressed and anxious mind can do horrifying things to your self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence and I’m just so grateful to have an army of people behind me that aren’t keeping score as to who sent the last message.
Waking up to this beautiful note this morning on Facebook messenger is a very illuminating reminder to me as to why I continue to write about and share my story with you.
Every time I receive personal messages like this one from friends (new or old), acquaintances and even strangers alike it gives me the strength and courage to keep doing what I do in order to help end the stigma and it further validates for me just how important it is to be completely honest with yourself about your own struggles and to be as open as possible with others as well.
I’ve said it many, many, many times before but if sharing my story as openly and honestly as I can will help make a difference in someone else’s life, will impact someone else’s journey in a positive light or will start a difficult conversation with a loved one then I will continue to do so.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart Laurie for taking the time to reach out to me today, it truly meant so much.
I can still so clearly remember the day you trusted in me and shared with such raw emotions the story of your brother’s suicide and even though it was only about 13 years ago it wasn’t a conversation I had ever had before with anyone.
Society and stigma have come a long way since you lost your beautiful brother 18 years ago but there is still so much work to be done and I truly appreciate your kindness and support and wanted to share your words in hopes that someone else reading this today will find their inner strength to keep the conversation going.
I’m not loving myself too much these days, but that of course is nothing new to most of you reading this.
Every time I look in the mirror I don’t see that loving reflection, the one that should be staring back at me with wide open arms eagerly awaiting to embrace me like you see in this picture.
But why should it when all my inner critic keeps telling me is that I’m not worthy enough to love myself, I’m not good enough to love myself and I’m not deserving enough to love myself.
My heart bursts with so much love for so many others, in fact, I find it quite easy to love others and that love runs very deep and very far but when I look in the mirror all I see is a silhouette of a woman who is no longer recognizable and who is no longer lovable.
I know that the love I feel for others is mutually returned by so so many people and even though I can’t see my own self-worth, I am so incredibly blessed that you all still do.
I also know that I don’t need to love myself in order to be loved, even if it’s a good idea to and would be most beneficial to my own health and wellness.
But maybe if I could find the same love and acceptance for myself as I have for so many others it would give me the courage to walk away from those who don’t see my value or know my worth in order to help make room in my heart to confidently walk towards that mirror with my arms opened wide, deservedly and ready to embrace the crap out of that unrecognizable, unlovable silhouette on the other side.
If you or someone you know is in crisis, reach for help immediately: Suicide Prevention Services Hotline: 1-833-456-4566
I’m feeling very emotionally defeated today. I believe in being a truth teller and truth be told, I’m not okay.
Do you ever feel like it’s all just way too much? Do you ever feel like you are overwhelmed by too much choice, by too much conflict and disagreements, by too much anxiety provoking situations, by too much noise in your head, by too much noise around you, by too much stimuli, by too much bad news or by too much that you can’t seem to control?
Yesterday was a pretty “normal” Saturday given that we are living in pretty abnormal times. I tried my darndest to escape my “too much” even though my day may not have started until after Noon, which truth be told, is not abnormal for me. Mornings are really tough for me because well, truth be told again, my nights are even tougher.
Once I finally did get moving, Rich came with me to do a few quick errands (which is about all I can handle these days) and then we met up with our friends for a very welcomed, yet crisp mid afternoon walk through a nearby forest (I think the #summerofrich may be officially closed for the season).
When we got back home I read a few pages from my new book and then sifted through an overwhelming amount of messages on Facebook and Instagram from women inquiring about some makeup and beauty products I’m currently selling.
We then had dinner with the kids and ended the day by watching a silly Netflix original movie (it was just one week ago when we were still enjoying a Saturday night backyard visit with friends instead of watching silly Netflix original movies; and truth be told, it’s gonna be a long winter- insert sad emoji here).
Although there were several moments throughout my day where I was feeling like life was just “too much”, I didn’t actually admit defeat until the house got quiet and the “too much” turned to anxiety, panic and lots of tears.
Life is a never-ending roller coaster, a perfectly crafted metaphor I’ve used many times before but when the loops, the twists and the sharp turns become “too much”, the ride itself is no longer enjoyable.
I can’t remember the last time I slept more than 3 hours straight (I’m being quite generous here when I say 3 hours straight because it’s way closer to 2 hours) or when I just naturally drifted off to sleep without a sudden jolt of worry or racing thoughts in my head that quickly brings me right back to a state of wakefulness. The unceasing fatigue and insomnia just continues to add a whole other layer to declaring defeat when the roller coaster ride feels like it’s way “too much”.
It’s dark and rainy outside today, I’m still lying in bed and nothing feels too motivating right now to change that. Today feels all “too much”.
What do you do when you feel like life is “too much”?
A big thank you to Founder @silkenlaumann (four-time Canadian Olympian Rower) and @unsinkablestories for sharing my story with your audience.
Unsinkable is a Not-For-Profit Organization whose mission is to “connect and empower people to achieve better mental, physical and spiritual health”. They “share stories, amplify voices and offer a community of support, resources and programs built with your wellbeing in mind”.
Feel free to follow them and their youth chapter (@unsinkableyouth) on Instagram and Facebook where my story is also featured: https://weareunsinkable.com/finding-my-purpose/
Here is my story below!
FINDING MY PURPOSE
It’s been a pretty bumpy few weeks for me which kind of feels like being on a roller coaster of emotions with many steep slopes and sharp twists and turns and has caused me so much pain and anguish leading to a mixture of scary and intrusive thoughts. The thing is though, I’m used to it by now because you see, I’ve been on this same roller coaster ride for the last six and a half years which equates to 2,372 days, 56,928 hours and approximately 3,415,680 minutes (so it’s no wonder why I feel nauseous all time).
It began on a beautiful Spring day in early April, 2014 when I headed out the door for work that Friday morning. It started out like any other seemingly normal weekday, but by five o’clock that afternoon my entire world came crumbling down and I have been trying to put the pieces of my life back together ever since.
That Friday morning, April 4, 2014, I was doing what I had been doing for several months; heading to a job that I hated. A job that made me doubt my self-worth. A job that made me uncomfortable. A job that made me question my integrity. A job that made me compromise my morals. A job that made me feel unsafe and a job that made me feel like I no longer had any purpose. Ok so it wasn’t so much the job itself that did all that, but in actuality it was a boss who did.
I was so excited when I started working for him earlier that year and I thought I had finally found a job that I could build into a thriving career but instead I fell head first into his trap (stupid, stupid me) and on April 4, 2014 after he asked me to do something that I felt was both morally and ethically wrong I packed up my belongings one last time and high-tailed it out of there. I got into my car shaking and completely terrified and by this point in time, completely broken and defeated. I drove around for hours on end as my entire family and many of my friends frantically drove around the city looking for me because the last thing I did after I left my office that afternoon was text my husband telling him I wanted to kill myself before turning off my phone.
It was on that day that I lost my will to live. It was on that day that I became overwhelmed and hopeless. It was on that day that I felt worthless. It was on that day that I realized I was a failure in every sense of the word and it was on that day that I discovered just how much of a burden I truly was. Something inside of me snapped that day or so it might’ve seemed like at the time, but what I didn’t know then was I had truly been suffering in silence for a very long time and didn’t even know it.
I have since learned so much about myself through the help of my wonderful therapist (who I have been seeing now for almost 3 years on a weekly basis) as I slowly began to delve further into my past with her and I now have a much greater understanding of my pain and suffering.
I’ve come to realize over the past few years through my weekly therapy sessions that many of the regrets I’ve had in my lifetime or the wrong paths I should never have taken or the lack of empathy and guidance I had during my formative years led me to that very moment. Over time these emotions built up inside of me and finally broke me that day back in April, 2014 which very soon after, led to my diagnosis of Major Depression and Severe Anxiety and a roller coaster of a journey toward Mental Wellness ever since.
My journey has been long and burdensome which has included daily thoughts of suicide, several attempts of suicide, numerous hospital stays (one of which was over three months in length). I’ve tried over twenty different concoctions of medication, all of which caused severe physical and mental side effects and a weight gain of 100 pounds, at which time I needed to stop taking traditional medications all together and was further diagnosed with Treatment Resistant Depression.
I completed 8 sessions of ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) back in 2015 during a hospital stay which proved to be unsuccessful and has left me with memory loss and other issues as well. Some other attempts at treatment have also included Ketamine through a clinical trial, Neurofeedback, CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and the list goes on and on.
During my very first hospital admission back in the fall of 2014 I began to journal daily and I fell in love with it. I’d forgotten just how much I loved to write as a child and teenager and eventually through my writing I started to share my story on Social Media which I eventually turned into a Blog called YouAreEnough. Right away I received an overwhelming amount of support by so bravely sharing my journey and it has allowed me to identify my purpose along the way.
I’ve been given a voice (one that I do not take for granted) to help others understand that Mental Illness is not a weakness and has also allowed me the opportunity to become an advocate for change and help reduce the Stigma that still surrounds Mental Illness today.
Continuing to share my journey on a very regular basis has felt triumphant and has shown so many individuals that it’s okay to not be okay, giving them permission to start important conversations themselves about their own struggles with Mental Illness. My story has also allowed many individuals and their loved ones some much needed strength and courage to ask for help and to feel less alone.
Last summer I took my love of writing and my passion for helping others one step further by self-publishing one of my pieces of writing into a children’s book which helps guide parents, caregivers and loved ones how to help children cope with and understand their feelings when someone they love is suffering with Depression. It is titled “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?” and it’s a labour of love. It’s a story that affects millions of families each and every day, including my own.
My children are now 22, 21 and 18 years old but six and a half years ago when I first became ill they needed more than anything to know that they were not to blame in any way for my illness and that they were safe and loved no matter what. The story was written (in rhyme) through the eyes of a young girl who like millions of other children may need to hear that they too are not to blame for their loved one’s illness and that more than anything, they are safe and loved no matter what, which are the three vows I promise to keep to my own children until the end of time.
Everyday is a learning curve for someone like myself and their loved ones when battling a Mental Illness and finding the right strategies and tools to help get me through the difficult moments in my day and reach mental wellness are imperative. I have had to accept the fact, as difficult as it is to follow through with sometimes, that taking care of myself first and creating healthy boundaries will help to minimize many of the stressors in my daily life.
Self-Care is not selfish, in fact, it’s selfless. I have learned that for me self-care includes writing, journaling, taking bubble baths, going for long walks, finding a safe place when I am feeling unsafe, always keeping open communication with loved ones as to my thoughts and feelings and having a great therapist to talk to on a regular basis who can give me important tools and resources to help with my daily struggles.
These strategies and tools allow me the strength to continue to fight but there are many, many other ways for individuals to make self-care an important part of their daily lives as well and below are just a few more to add to my list above: Regular exercise Proper diet Practicing good hygiene Getting a good night sleep Escaping in a good book Staying away from drugs and alcohol Reaching out to a loved one
Bio: Kim Fluxgold lives in Vaughan, Ontario with her husband, 3 children and her precious dog. She is a Blogger, the Author of the children’s book “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?” and Mental Health Advocate. You can continue to follow her journey at: youareenough712.wordpress.com or on her Instagram (www.intstagram.com/kimfluxgold) and Facebook pages. If you would like more information about her book please email her at kimfluxgold@gmail.com.
Tonight Rich and I participated in a spiritual healing service via Zoom with Rabbi Fryer Bodzin and some of her congregants from Beth Tzedec Congregation. The last time we participated in a service it was in person just 10 days prior to the lockdown in March.
We all long for some kind of connection in our life and many of us need that connection more than ever before but what we often forget is how important it is to make time to find that same connection within ourselves as well.
For the past few years I have been doing a lot of “soul searching” by trying to take a step back and re-examine my life in the hope of finding true and meaningful ways to replenish my soul and find strength in God.
Thank you Rabbi for giving of your time to allow for us to ask ourselves difficult questions and to find some strength, continuation and renewal within our soul.
How is it that I have never lost any sleep over Canadian politics yet for the last month I have literally been glued to the tv watching CNN (just ask my family) and refreshing my Twitter feeds (and tweeting the President of the United States) 24 hours a day, 7 days a week due to an out of control level of anxiety and sadness over an election I’m not even eligible to vote in!
This election is no longer about whose policies or campaign promises are better anymore, its simply and sadly about a country so divided by fear and hatred.
I hope today will be a “Great” day for my American friends and family and that of the millions of ballots cast it will decidedly bring with it a shift in mindset and a spirit back to the America that the rest of the world once looked upon with fondness and “Great” envy.
Vote today (if you haven’t already) like your life depends on it because it does, and frankly so does ours!! And also seeing as our borders are still closed for who knows how long it’s gonna make it so much harder for you to gain access to all the “Greatness” our glorious Country has to offer (I know we ain’t perfect but…)!
Your vote matters!
*picture attached is from the Origami Owl jewellry Collection
Today we welcome in the month of November and the good news is that means there are only 60 more days left until this year from hell will finally be over! But today also marks the beginning of Movember which also means that for the next 30 days men from all around the world will be growing a moustache in honour of their fellow men everywhere.
Movember, which originated in Australia is now a celebrated movement that raises awareness and funds for men’s health issues but more specifically; Prostate Cancer, Testicular Cancer, Depression and Suicide.
As we watch men’s moustaches grow we are paving the way towards critical and possibly life saving conversations to occur and reminding men of the importance of early cancer detection, making time for annual check-ups, getting more active and essentially decreasing the amount of preventable deaths.
From a young age some boys are taught (whether it be culturally, generationally or socially) that a “real man” shouldn’t cry, that a “real man” can’t show fear, that being compassionate is somehow a character flaw and that acting anything less than a tough guy is a sign of weakness.
These untruths only feed more and more into the many toxic masculine aggressions and can also lead many men towards feelings of “self-reliance and emotional repression”, both of which can very likely produce an increase in mental health problems such as Depression and Suicide.
A man with such toxic character traits may also make it much less likely that they will seek medical and/or psycholgical help for themselves and could therefore lead to a much shorter life span.
When I came upon this picture the other day (see attached) of the soon to be “President of the United States!!!” and his son Hunter Biden, I saw a picture of courage and strength, I saw a picture of acceptance and understanding, I saw a picture of forgiveness and I saw an unconditional love between a father and his son.
This picture went viral but sadly it did so for all the wrong reasons. Some individuals (to remain nameless) mocked and shamed this portrait as a toxic portrayal of how a “real man” should act and they are sending a very misguided and scary message to the world; especially to the most vulnerable and most impressionable young men among us.
I wish they could see what I see when I look at this picture and I wish that they could see how having the gift of a strong male role model in a young boy’s life could set the bar higher towards a society where men are embraced for their vulnerability instead of their toughness. We could sure use more men like that in the world right now.
Let’s “change the face of men’s health” (Movember’s motto) and squash the stereotypes by supporting and encouraging all men to see this picture through that same lens.
Halloween, like every other holiday or celebration since March is going to look and feel, well, in Halloween terms, something like that of a “Ghost Town” around here tonight.
The Government and Health Officials in Ontario have “strongly recommended” that anyone living in a “hotspot” area (which I do) refrain from taking your little “Witches and Goblins” door-to-door Trick or Treating this year or give out candy as well (and just to add further salt to the wound, it’s finally on a Saturday night!!!).
Well even though my 3 little “Pumpkins” may be young adults now and well past the “battiness” of Trick or Treating, I can’t help but feel a “haunting” sense of sadness today mixed with a “monstrous” dose of nostalgia.
Have a sweet and sugar-coated Halloween today everyone, however it is you may be celebrating! 👻🍫
**Feel free to share some of your favourite Halloween memories and pics!
Last night I watched “The View” from earlier that day (yes I tape The View every day and once I even got to sit in their VIP seats for a live taping many moons ago!!!!). The ladies were discussing the tragedy that unfolded in Philadelphia earlier this week when Police Officers were called to the home of Walter Wallace Jr., a young black man who was in the midst of a mental health crisis. For those who don’t know, he was shot (many, many times) and killed by Police Officers because he was wielding a knife (not a gun!) and had ignored their pleas to drop it even after his mother was heard hysterically begging them to help him. This is yet another story of unjust in America today especially amongst the Black community but sadly the Police in many parts of America don’t have the necessary tools or training when it comes to deescalating a mental health crisis. Family members of this young man had called 911 to request an ambulance and medical assistance but instead the Police showed up with their guns drawn and ready for battle. As the ladies further discussed the tragedy itself and the imminent need for proper tools and training in police departments across America they then continued to support their cause by stating facts on how many other countries are so much better equipped to deal with these types of mental health crisises and how they have also taken the important steps forward to deescalate similar situations in a more humane way. I was most proud when Joy Behar gave a particular shout out to Toronto for having these tools and training in place. I have found myself in situations where 911 has needed to be called during a mental health crisis. And yes, I may not be black or living in America or have ever been in a state of psychosis or armed with a weapon for that matter to fully compare the two situations but when 911 is called during a mental health crisis here in Toronto (and its surrounding areas) I can tell you first hand that an ambulance will arrive on the scene and that a police officer will always be accompanied by a trained mental health professional. This very tragic outcome was also very preventable and should never have happened. Apparently since this tragedy just days ago, Police Officers in Philadelphia are now required to carry a taser with them (which they didn’t have on them at the time due to there being a shortage) when responding to mental health calls which could have made a difference between the life and death for this young man who deserved to live and get the proper help he needed, the help his family stood by begging for as they watched him be shot again and again and AGAIN. He was not a CRIMINAL, he was SICK and it’s time for America to take a page out of Toronto’s Playbook. #makesmeverysad #mentalillnessisnotacrime #mentalhealth #mentalillness #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough #proudtobecanadian @theviewabc
YouAreEnough 
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