Category: pain

In That Moment

**Warning: May be triggering to some**

It’s been well over a week since I’ve sat down to write anything. Many times when you see a post or blog of mine on my news feeds there is a good chance it had been written well in advance of that day. The truth is I’m having a real hard time expressing myself lately and I’ve just been trying to hold it together.  

My thoughts have become very clouded by a darkness of emotional unrest that is completely overpowering me. I feel like I’m standing on the ledge of the tallest skyscraper in the world; I’m alone and scared as I listen to the sounds of the oncoming traffic down below. I have butterflies in my stomach, desperation in my eyes, my heart is beating super fast, I feel nauseous and dizzy and then suddenly I awake in a panic. 

I’m relieved for a moment as I try to get my barings and then a feeling of sadness and despair quickly overcomes me. 

When you feel like you are barely holding on for dear life like I do right now and trying desperately not to lose your grip while standing on that ledge can make for some very burdensome days and some even more exhausting and insufferable nights.

I ask myself in that moment of relief how can I find the strength to keep going when my motivation to do so is fading fast? I ask myself in that same moment how can I find the strength to keep fighting when I’m in so much pain and feel so hopeless? I ask myself in that moment how can I find the strength to keep moving forward when my heart is aching so much? And I ask myself in that moment where can I find my inner strength?

What helps you find your inner strength?

**if you or someone you know is in emotional crisis or suicidal please call: 1-833-456-4566**

#innerstrength #findingstrength #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #selfcare #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #suicideprevention #checkonyourlovedones #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence #speakyourtruth #courage #inthatmoment #endthestigmatogether

What You Don’t See

July was definitely a hot one (the hottest one on record actually) and having to take the heat and humidity into account many days in July along with so many Covid related closures and restrictions has made our #summerofrich adventures a lot more of a challenge this year. 

I’ve had to scratch a lot of places off our #summerofrich itinerary but with the arrival of August I can see more and more closures and restrictions starting to lift including many of our beautiful Conservation Parks that have Waterfalls. 

Which was exactly why we headed to Smokey Hollow Waterfall today so we could capture the beauty of this hidden gem that included many adventurous hiking trails. As you scroll through the pictures you can see joy, you can see beauty and you can see calm but hidden on the other side of the camera today was a very emotional, tearful woman. 

What I didn’t capture was the overwhelm I was feeling inside today, the feeling of hopelessness and the thoughts of suicide. What you don’t see captured in these pictures was the breakdown that came next (my family did though and I’m pretty sure so did several hikers too!). 

What people don’t often see captured in pictures is just how real Depression and Anxiety are.

#summerofrichcoronaedition #summerofrich2020 #waterfalls #hiking #naturalwonders #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #itsoktonotbeok #checkontourlovedones #youarenotalone #youareenough 

It’s 11:11

Monday Motivation

It’s 11:11. Time to make your wishes come true! We all make wishes subconsciously throughout our day, probably numerous times per day, that which we hope to fulfill.

Many of these wishes are just a fleeting moment in time like when you find yourself wishing it would stop raining outside or maybe you wish you could take a vacation.

Then there are the wishes that are done with more of a conscious mind like when we wish we we could find a way to have more money or wish we could somehow find a way to better our health or then there is the wish of so many who are longing (and wishing) to find that one true love to share their life with.

In order for our wishes to come true, they need to become more than just idle thoughts. They take vision, they take a mental image, they take intent, they take direction and they need to be written down and read out loud many times a day.

Wishes can and do come true, so tell me one thing that you wish for right now? 

#makeithappen #mondaymotivation #whatdoyouwishfor #makeawishescometrue #makeawish #thepowerofwishes #writeyourwishesdown #saythemoutloud #eleveneleven #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #dreamer #desire

Keeping Up With Kanye

 

I’m sure most of you reading this have probably seen or read the news lately and whenever there is any kind of distraction from the Global Pandemic or finding out what the President of the United States (a term I use loosely) has said or done now, we welcome this much needed distraction with open arms. I of course particularly love the distractions that come from Hollywood or Reality TV because (I’ll be honest), those are two of my biggest obsessions in life, but what has been playing out in Hollywood/Reality TV over the past week or so in regards to the Kardashian and West family is truly heartbreaking.

Yes the Kardashians in particular have undoubtedly chosen to be in the public eye and have allowed us into their homes for over ten years now but when the cameras are turned off, the world still watches them in judgment, waiting for the next piece of Tabloid News to hit the stands. At the end of the day they are human which means that they make mistakes, they bleed, they hurt and they are not immune to disease or death either. This also means that no matter what or how they choose to live their lives, it can’t be easy always having the world watching your every move.

It’s been no secret for several years now that Kanye suffers with Bipolar Disorder which is a very complex Mental Disorder. Bipolar Disorder “causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, concentration and the ability to carry out day to day tasks.” A person with a Bipolar Disorder will go through periods of extremely “up, elated, irritable or energized behavior to very down, sad, indifferent or hopeless.”

Bipolar Disorder is a treatable illness and although it can be managed with medication, therapy and other treatments it is also a lifelong illness that normally needs a lifetime of monitoring in order for someone suffering to have a good quality of life. The last thing anyone, famous or not, needs while experiencing a manic or depressive episode of Bipolar is to be met with criticism or abandonment and when it’s being played out so publicly the way it has been with Kanye is sadly being met exactly this way.

My only hope is that Kanye gets the help he so desperately needs right now and that he can begin to use his platform for good (even though he’s got my vote for President. Oh right, I can’t vote!) and let his many fans around the world understand that sickness does not translate into weakness and that sometimes in life we fall down but that it’s okay to ask for help when you need help getting back up again. 

We need to learn how to lift each other up with kindness and empathy because no one is immune to Mental Illness.

#youareenough #endthestigmatogether #bekind #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #checkonyourlovedones #keepingupwiththekardashians #kanyewest #bipolardisorder #manicdepression #mentalhealth #mentalillness #kindnessmatters 

The Calm During The Storm


Since I was a young girl I’ve always been afraid of thunder and lightning for some reason but today I decided to embrace the oncoming storm head on as there was also no doubt on anyone’s mind that we needed this rain to help cool down the humid air and nourish the grass and trees as it’s been a very hot and dry summer thus far. 

So today as the sky grew darker, the air grew cooler, the wind grew stronger, the sound of the thunder grew louder and the rain began to fall frantically I ran toward the storm this time instead of running away from it. 

I think that rainstorms (much like snowstorms) bring with it a sense of calmness for many people and being able to just sit quietly on my front porch today and watch the storm pass by brought with it that same feeling of comfort for me. 

I’m not really sure on a scientific level why the storm gave me this sense of calmness and peace but psychologically I actually felt understood and not so alone with my thoughts which have become increasingly more and more difficult to manage. 

They say that it’s the calm before the storm that brings with it a temporary feeling of stillness and quiet but today it was the calm during the storm that I was finally able to feel a moment of ease and just being able to breathe in the fresh, sweet smell of the rain after the storm truly helped me to embrace it and also bring to mind some beautiful and reminiscent memories.

#embracethestorms #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #thecalmbeforethestorm #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #rainstorm #letitrain #nature #mindfulness #therapeutic #selfcare

Tied Up In Knots

*I just thought I’d preface this Blog by letting you know that it has been a particularly hard one to write.*

I’ve mentioned recently that I’ve needed a break lately because my mental health has been on a downward spiral. Since I began sharing my journey with you I have done so with the utmost honestly that which has always included open conversations about many of the most intimate and raw moments in my life. But there is still so much I don’t share with you or won’t share for that matter and lately it’s just been so difficult to share much at all (good or bad).

Right now I feel as though both my body and mind are tangled together in one gigantic ball of knots which feels like it’s getting harder and harder to undo each day. I do have moments where I manage to unravel some of the knots or at least loosen them up but before I can catch my breath again they just tighten back up, somedays even more than before.

If I can quote myself here for a brief moment from a Blog I wrote last week titled: Give Me A Break where I said “Everyone has varying degrees of stress that they deal with but when battling with daily symptoms of depression, anxiety and suicidal ideations at the same time can make it particularly difficult to manage.”; and sometimes when this is happening we feel the need to turn to a place of comfort to help us heal and unfortunately that can sometimes include old habits, which is exactly where I found myself at about a week ago.

I hate myself more than ever right now for writing this or for even thinking it out loud, but last week I bought my first pack of cigarettes in almost six months. This week I should be celebrating that I haven’t had a cigarette in six months but instead I am sitting here in shame (and with tears in my eyes) telling you a very different story.

To think that I had made it almost six months without lighting up a cigarette even though I’ve wanted to many, many, MANY times makes me just want to throw up. I feel like an even bigger failure, I mean who wouldn’t, right?

When I made the decision to quit smoking on January 14th while still recovering from a concussion that had occurred on the morning of January 2nd no one could have ever imagined what lay ahead. 2020 has pretty much sucked for most of the world but the Pandemic alone is not what led me to go buy that pack of cigarettes seeing as most of what is going on in my life presently began way before the Pandemic ever did.

Has the Pandemic amplified the urgency of certain issues, 1000 percent it has and smoking had always been there for me in the past to help calm me and although I have reaped the many benefits from the nicotine withdrawal itself, the actual habit of smoking a cigarette has always been on my mind.

Research shows that it can actually take an average smoker 30 attempts before they quit. The good news is that I’m not really enjoying smoking like I did in the past, nor am I smoking nearly what I used to so my plan this time around is to take it slowly and try a different approach, one which allows me to unravel one knot at a time before I even attempt to try and loosen up another one.

Please continue to follow my journey at:
https://youareenough712.wordpress.com

#youareenough #bekindtoyourself #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #suicideprevention #selfcare #allinknots #smoking #imsuchafailure #addiction #comfortzone #oldhabits #theguilt #feelinghelpless

Give Me A Break

 

Today I need to check out and take care of my mental health. I am completely overwhelmed, exhausted and finding it very hard to cope with many challenges I’m facing in my life right now.

Everyone has varying degrees of stress that they deal with but when battling with daily symptoms of depression, anxiety and suicidal ideations at the same time can make it particularly difficult to manage. 

It is imperative that we listen to both our bodies and minds when they are telling us that we need to take a break and step away from our day to day stressors in order to recharge, refocus and reset.

Taking a mental health break means doing something for you whether its as simple as catching up on sleep or going for a walk so long as it’s something that helps inspire you, helps your creativity, helps to adjust your perspective, helps you to become more productive or helps you to get a better handle on your emotions. 

What are some ways that help you recharge, refocus or reset?


#endthestigmatogether #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #selfcare #ichooseme #youarenotalone #checkonyourlovedones #depression #anxiety #suicide #mentalillness #recharge #reset #refocus #mindfulness #perspective 

Save The Children

Video unable to load… check it out at http://www.instagram.com/kimfluxgold

Thank you @savewithstories for allowing me to share my story. Save With Stories was inspired by @jennifergarner and @amyadams during Covid-19 through the Organization @savethechildren to help ensure that the most vulnerable children and their families (in America and around the world) who have been hit hardest by the Pandemic and no longer have accessibility to breakfast and lunch school based programs or access to early learning resources can still thrive.

If you would like to make a donation to this very important cause please visit their website http://www.savethechildren.org. You can visit my website https://youareenough712.wordpress.com or message me on Instagram and Facebook for further information about my book.

Thank you again #Savewithstories for all that you are doing to help make a difference in a child’s life. @nokidhungry @savethechildren

#youareenough #kindness #kindnessmatters #wheredidmommyssmilego #amazondotca #wecanallmakeadifference #wereallinthistogether #strongertogether

A Labour of Love

In mid December shortly after I did my interview on Global TV’s “The Morning Show” to discuss my children’s book “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go? and the impact that Mental Illness can have on a family I decided that I had to take a much needed Mental Health break to regroup as it had just become too much for me (which I wrote about several times in late December and early January on my Blog). 

I figured it was the perfect time to take a break right before the start of the busy holiday season and right before the start of a new cycle of upcoming events I had booked for the new year. One of the first things I wanted to do at the beginning of 2020 (after my much needed rest) was to start exploring more ways to market my book; my list I had made months earlier was only getting longer and it felt endless and mostly unattainable to me that I began a downward spiral and giving up seemed like the best option.

January hit me like a ton of bricks and literally knocked me off my feet and there I was on the first of the month stressing out that I needed to get back to my list like I had promised myself three weeks earlier and then BOOM; January 2nd the stress and overwhelm of so many things combined turned to panic and before I knew it, February was here and I had just spent close to a month in bed recuperating from a concussion caused by fainting 3 to 4 times the day after the new year began. And aside from the personal marketing I was still doing on my social media pages and Amazon account, February was no better for several other reasons and then before I knew it another month was gone and I really began feeling like giving up was truly the only option.

But there I was, heading into March and finally starting to tackle my list once again and rebook events and book talks I had to cancel because of my concussion and well at this point in time the next one hundred plus days of 2020 need no further explanation. When I decided to create my book from a poem I had written as nothing more than an ode to my children, I never really considered trying to have it published through a “Traditional” publisher. I knew that by trying to go that route could take years and I also knew that I would have to basically give up all my rights and vision to it. 

I’ve had a really difficult week and a bit just now and I am feeling very defeated, worthless and sad and once again giving up feels like the only option more than ever. My book was written as a “Labour of Love” and I never set out to publish it with the intention to become a New York Times Bestseller. My best intentions were to help other families like mine feel less alone in their journey and help children understand and cope with their feelings when someone they love is suffering with Depression, which I believe I have done. 

Albert Einstein once said “Strive not to be a success but rather to be of value.” which has always been my main goal since the beginning by striving to help others. With every single page (from the front cover to the back) I had a vision that was brought to life by my incredible illustrator; the bright, colourful and truly inviting illustrations represent each one of my family members and the story itself is so personal to me but recently I did speak with a “Traditional” publisher who basically wanted to take my “Labour of Love” and recreate it for what they promise to be “A New York Times Bestseller”.

Here’s the thing I told them that I will never change the integrity of my “Labour of Love” and take away from my vision or intent no matter what. This conversation set me back, I mean it set me way back, but it didn’t end there because the other day I went to look something up on my current Publisher’s website and saw that they were “temporarily closed” due to Covid-19 which I found odd but it was only upon reopening their website again that very same day that Google told me that they were now “permanently closed”.  36 years of self-publishing books, gone or more like disappeared I should say because their phone number and email addresses have both been disconnected and they still hold money and product of mine!

Is someone trying to send me a sign? And if so is it a good sign???

#wheredidmommyssmilego #amazondotca #childrensbook #author #blogger #youareenough #children #bekindtoyourself #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #mentalhealth #itsoktonotbeok #suicide #alberteinstein #givemeasign #concussion #selfpublish #2020sucks

Our Own Walk

About a month prior to the onset of the Covid-19 Pandemic I had registered my family to participate in a Walk for CMHA (Canadian Mental Health Association) in support of #MOBYSSinmotion; a confidential mobile Walk-in-Clinic for Youth and a wonderful resource for our young people who may be facing crisis right now.

CMHA has played an important role in my life over the last 6 years and I had donated some proceeds from my book sales last year as a thank you for the services they provide to both adults and youth in Canada which was why I wanted to participate in the event and why I didn’t want today to go unnoticed so I found a picture perfect place for us to enjoy a beautiful hike on our own in honour of the walk/run/bike event since it was of course cancelled. 

Oh and I should also mention that it was 5 months ago today since I had my last cigarette!

#cmha #cmhayorksimcoe #MOBYSS #hiking #waterfalls #felkersfalls #waterfallsinontatio #niagaraescarpment #ontarioisourstodiscover #thegreatoutdoors #mentalwellness #selfcare #ichooseme #youarenotalone #youareenough #ouryouthmatter #wereallinthistogether #strongertogether #summerofrich #summerofrichcoronastyle #family #familymatters #nosmoking #wheredidmommyssmilego