Category: overwhelm

The Aftermath Of A Concussed Mind


I made a promise to myself that I needed to take several steps back during the last few weeks of 2019 in order to help me figure out how I could step forward into 2020 but here I am just over a week into the new year and I have spent most of it in bed with a concussion. 
It’s certainly not how I ever imagined the new year unfolding but I guess I have learned to “expect the unexpected” and it has been a very challenging week to say the least. The bumps and bruises on my body are physically beginning to heal but in turn I am now left dealing with even more bumps and bruises on my mind. 

In my most recent blog “My Safe Place; Feeling The Weight Of My Blanket” (January 5, 2020) I talked about how I needed to rest in order to heal and that spending all day and night last Saturday curled up underneath my weighted blanket was very comforting for me. Lets face it we could all use a day like that every so often but right now my safe place feels almost too safe and scary.

Since the incident last Thursday morning when I fainted again and again and AGAIN I have not left my house other than to see my doctor and visit the emergency room and although I have been doing exactly what the doctor’s ordered by getting lots of rest, I now feel like I am severely paying the price for it mentally.

When many of us imagine a person battling with depression they immediately imagine a person curled up in bed sleeping all day and night. Well I can tell you firsthand that this is not true for everyone and is even further from the truth when it comes to me. 

To begin with, I barely sleep! I will admit though that most of my days do not begin at sunrise (I am up at the crack of dawn, just not physically out of bed) and for my own mental health and wellness I avoid making too many commitments or appointments in the morning hours unless they don’t allow for it. I also know that in order to start my day off I must take a shower first (another great untruth that a person with depression doesn’t do).

But this week all I have wanted to do is lay in bed curled up under my blanket; doing absolutely nothing (yet still unable to sleep). I am especially finding that my concussion symptoms like headaches, dizziness and severe nausea are at their worst in the morning hours for some unknown reason; or maybe there is a reason and I’m just not up on all the concussion lingo and the thought of even taking a shower most days is painfully overwhelming too. 

I know I am probably being too critical of myself as usual and I am feeling so much guilt as though I somehow caused this to happen. I am also feeling more worthlessness right now than ever as I am unable to complete even the simplest of tasks and want nothing more than to lie in bed day and night until I heal my body and mind.

I wish I was able to let go of the negative self-talk in my head in order to allow my body and mind to both heal properly but in the meantime my goal for today is to be able to try and make it out of my home in order to go to my appointment with my therapist because that would be some pretty big steps into 2020!

#babysteps #concussion  #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #selfcare #depression #anxiety #masksoff #blogger 

My Safe Place; Feeling The Weight Of My Blanket

So far I can’t really say that 2020 has started off exactly the way I had hoped for, but as you can probably guess by now, I wouldn’t have expected any less. I mean I have enough trouble feeling hope at the best of times and then add to it the unwritten rule that New Year’s is supposed to bring with it new beginnings may have actually been what threw both my body and mind into overdrive this week landing me with further bumps, bruises, aches, pains and a concussion to boot. 

I mentioned a few days ago that I’d needed to take several steps back over the last few weeks of December in order to figure out ways I can try to help myself move forward into 2020 as I am completely overwhelmed by so much in my life which in turn was probably just setting myself up for failure and further hopelessness (See Blog: What Is Your Proudest Accomplishment of 2019; January 1, 2020). Ironically I also wrote that in order for me to regain those baby steps forward I must first learn how to crawl again before I can learn to walk or run and on the second day of 2020 I found myself desperately learning how to crawl. 

It certainly wasn’t in the way for which I could have ever imagined it to be or what I meant when I said I needed to learn how to crawl before I can learn to walk or run, but it was ironically for my survival nonetheless.  I found myself in a very scary and traumatic situation the other morning (See Blog: A Big Bang; January 2, 2020) where I kept fainting and had lost complete control of both my body and mind and all I wanted to do was crawl my way back upstairs to my “safe place” before I fainted for a fourth time. I eventually did make my way safely upstairs and “crawled” back into my bed, threw my weighted blanket over top of me; thankful to be in my “safe place”.

Ever since I purchased my weighted blanket a year ago (See Blog: My Weighted Blanket; January 25, 2019) I’d have to say that it has become my “safe place” to be.  It brings me so much comfort and warmth (not in the “oh my God I’m gonna die from the heat” kind of way) but like the feeling you get from a warm and comforting hug. I can’t say that my blanket has brought me a better night’s sleep since I began using it but for some reason it helps me feel safe when it’s wrapped around me and the other morning after I was able to finally crawl my way back into bed it’s warmth and comfort allowed me to drift off to sleep for a full three hours straight which is nothing short of a miracle. 

The trauma for which both my body and mind had just gone through I really didn’t think I needed to be anywhere other than in my “safe place” comforted by the warmth of my weighted blanket even if my doctor who I saw later that day and the doctor I saw the next day in emerg both told me I probably should have called 911 right away so that I could have been better assessed in the moment; but I guess hindsight is 20/20. 

I have since taken the advice of the doctors who both told me that rest is my number one priority right now and so yesterday I spent the entire day and night curled up underneath my weighted blanket fighting off the aches and pains, the nausea, the dizziness and the feeling like someone is playing ping pong in my head. It was actually really, really warm and really, really comforting to spend time resting both my body and mind, something my illness never allows me to do and having a “safe place” to do so is such an added bonus. 

Please continue to follow my journey at: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com

#comfort #warmth #weightedblanket #concussion #safeplace #selfcare #selflove #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough

A Big Bang

2020 has started off with a real big bang! I feel like every day something else seems to go awry and today was no exception. I got out of bed this morning and like most days I felt exhausted from another sleepless night of fighting off the symptoms of my illness. My lack of sleep last night came with some additional anxiety which may have possibly triggered a severe panic attack this morning and like most panic attacks do, it hit me out of nowhere.  My heartrate became severely elevated and I became flushed, dizzy and very very nauseous and before I knew it I had fainted; and fainted again; and then again. All I wanted to do was crawl my way back upstairs to bed before I fainted a fourth time which eventually I did and I never made it to an appointment I was supposed to be at in about 15 mins by this time.

Lucky for me my girls were both fast asleep in their beds undisturbed by what had just happened except upon waking they both thought the bangs they heard earlier in the morning were part of a dream they were having. But not to worry because Maggie came to my rescue!

I’ve fainted several times in my lifetime but usually it was due to a medication I was taking (one of the many reasons I can’t take antidepressants) or a bad flu and whether it may have been a panic attack that caused it or something else I was examined this afternoon and had some tests done as well just to be safe.

I’m pretty banged up, extremely emotional and in alot of pain tonight from the impact of my falls and there’s a chance I may have a concussion too but maybe the impact of hitting my head several times could of knocked some sense into it??

#thisisreallife #itsoktonotbeok #depression  #anxiety #panicattacks #fainting #mentalillness #mentalhealth #youareenough #neveradullmoment

Please continue to follow my journey at https://youareenough712.wordpress.com

What is Your Proudest Accomplishment of 2019


I’ve had to take several steps back during the last few weeks of 2019 to try and figure out what I need most right now in my life in order to help me move forward into 2020. It’s been a very difficult year for both myself and my family but at the same time I certainly can’t nor won’t forget my proudest accomplishments and all the good things that have happened for me as well.

This past year has taught me so much about myself and as I enter into the new year (and decade) today and try to regain some of those baby steps forward I know that I first need to learn how to crawl before I can learn to walk or run; an important lesson we could all learn from. We may also need to be reminded as the new year begins that we should try and set small and attainable goals; not resolutions, that we need to inspire one another, that we need to lift each other up, that we need to create healthy boundaries, that we need to be kinder to each other, that we need to judge less and forgive ourselves and others more, that we need to make self-care our number one priority, that we are not alone, that we can do anything; not everything and last but certainly not least we need to never forget that YOU ARE ENOUGH!

#letsshareourproudestmoments
#myproudestaccomplishmentthisyear
#wheredidmommyssmilego #childrensbook #author #goodriddance2019 #selfcare #ichooseme #youarenotalone #bekindtoyourself #checkonyourlovedones #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence #yourmentalhealthmatters #goals #blogger #2020vision #dreams #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough

Reflection Of A Decade

REFLECTION OF A DECADE

It’s crazy to think about it but we are not only about to enter a whole new year but an entire new decade as well.  It’s kinda difficult right now for me to reflect back on the last decade with joy in my heart because for more than half of the last ten years I have spent it trying to survive and well truth be told, trying to die. 

I do know though that somewhere buried beneath my illness that my heart has felt a lot of pride and joy throughout the last decade from so many amazing highlights and milestones. In the past ten years we added a new addition to our family and Maggie has since filled our family with so much joy for close to nine years now. In the past ten years I’ve gotten to witness both Elementary and High School graduations galore (with one more to go in the new year!) and I have also watched all three of my children transition from pre-teens to teens and now into young adulthood as well. In the past ten years I got to plan and execute one of the greatest days of our lives with the celebration and milestone of Jacob and Hannah’s B’nai Mitzvah; a night which we were so blessed to be surrounded by so many of our loved ones.  In the past ten years we have also acknowledged and celebrated many more milestone birthdays as well including the most incredible family vacation in honour of Rachel’s 13th birthday. And I will never forget nearly ten years ago being able to experience the look on my kid’s faces when we walked through the gates of Disney World all together as a family!

Those are only a handful of the incredible highlights and milestones from the last ten years and there have been countless more but as I mentioned above it’s kinda difficult for me to feel the joy in my heart through the shattered glass of my illness when more than half of this current decade has been spent just trying to get through each day; basically I live each day in survival mode where the end goal is trying to avoid having a bad day. 

I never want to erase the incredible memories I’ve made during the last ten years and I certainly never want to forget the many successes either so as I enter into the next year and decade I will take with me what I have learned over this past year in order to make room for joy in my heart. I have learned so much about myself this past year alone and one of my greatest successes this year was being able to accept that if some days all I can do is survive, then that’s one step closer to joy. We all deserve to feel joy in our hearts and maybe I needed this past decade to teach me how.  

Wishing you all good health, joy and much success for 2020!

Please continue to follow my journey into the next decade at: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com

#2020 #happynewyear #findingjoy #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #reflection #youareenough #depression #anxiety #masksoff #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #endthestigmatogether #bekindtoyourself #ichooseme

YOU ARE ENOUGH THIS HOLIDAY SEASON 

When I woke up this morning I received a notification from my blogging site that read: “Your blog YouAreEnough stats are booming and it appears to be getting more traffic than usual!”  I felt a sense of pride knowing that others choose to turn to my blog to find some comfort and support but given that today is Christmas Day I quickly felt saddened knowing just how many people there are out there who may not have loved ones who can give them the comfort and support they deserve.

It may be difficult for some of us to understand but during the holiday season many people feel very much alone, isolated and simply like they are not enough. This time of year we are surrounded by so many bright lights, whether it’s from the candles burning on your Menorah or from the colourful lights hanging from a Christmas tree it’s hard to imagine why anyone would feel anything less than pure holiday cheer and joy. 

But this time of year can also be met by so much darkness which is too often due to having to deal with difficult memories, unattainable expectations, feelings of disappointment and of course the overwhelming stress brought on by the holiday season.  Stress is our body’s reaction to a trigger and is generally a short-term experience that carries with it many of the same symptoms that anxiety does such as having trouble sleeping, excessive amount of worry, lack of focus, irritability and a rapid heartbeat.

Often we believe that stress and anxiety are one and the same but anxiety is an actual mental disorder that can be brought on by too much stress.  Anxiety does not disappear when a situation is remedied and can impact every aspect of one’s life. And the more people who are feeling the darkness during the holiday season try to force themselves to feel holiday cheer and joy will only wind up feeling like a giant sack of coal! 

Many of us need to be reminded that the holiday season is a time for giving, a time for kindness and a time to help someone who may be in need of some extra comfort and support.  It’s a time to remember that itsoktonotbeok, it’s a time to remember to checkonyourlovedones, it’s a time to remember that youmatter and most of all to remember that youareenough!

#itsoktonotbeok #checkonyourlovedones #youmatter #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #youarenotalone #christmastime #chanuakahcheer 

My Tribe

The two most important things that I have learned along my journey would probably have to be from the day I decided 3 years ago to share my story and in doing so I have found out who my tribe truly is. 

I began to write about my journey in private and slowly I began to whisper it softly in close quarters but when I actually started to shout it from the rooftop my tribe gathered and now it’s overflowing with so much kindness and compassion. 

Over the last five and a half years I’ve been rejected by some, I’ve been judged by others and I’ve been the topic of many hurtful conversations behind my back but I no longer hold those people in my heart. I have learned to let it go because I know that I have such an amazing tribe rooting for me now and even though you may not always understand what I am feeling you still just want to be a part of my life and learn together, you still just want to hold my hand or give me a hug (even if it’s virtual) and you still just want to listen to me or just stand beside me with no strings attached because that’s what a tribe does for one another. And just knowing how much my own story has helped so many others to gather their own tribe too means that none of us have to walk through this journey alone. 

#mentalillness #depression #anxiety #myfamily #mytribe #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youareenough #youarenotalone #endthestigmatogether #startaconversation #itsoktonotbeok

Burnt-Out

BURNT-OUT

I may be all over the place today as I sit down to write this but it’s just because that’s how my mind works.  My illness causes my brain to always feel like there is a tornado swirling around in my head forcing me into a vortex without the ability to control it.  I know that I am very hard on myself and this week has been no exception.  

I have spent the past few days since making my national television debut on live TV hating myself more than ever even though I have had nothing but rave reviews; but my mind is telling me otherwise.  It’s told me that I am stupid, that people are just being nice, that I sounded like an idiot, that what I said was useless, that I didn’t get my point across the way I could have, that I made a fool of myself, that I should never have done it and that it’s time to give up on thinking that writing and publishing my book was ever a good idea to begin with.  Crazy eh?

I have been told this week by so many of you how brave I am, how courageous I am, how important it is to share my story, even the hosts of the morning show thought so, but yet here I am feeling like I am more worthless, hopeless and purposeless than ever. This week has been met with several other challenges as well which I can not share with you right now but is also a big part of what is making me need to take a step back and try to stop the vortex from pulling me right into the center of the storm.

One thing I know for certain is that the new medication I began several weeks ago is not helping me manage my illness, it in fact has done just the opposite. It’s left me with an increasingly high level of suicidal ideations, it’s left me with close to 10 pounds of weight gain even though my diet has not changed one bit and it’s left me not just tired from lack of sleep but fatigued beyond exhaustion.

Burnt-out is probably the best way to describe the way I am feeling right now and taking a step back as I mentioned is probably what I need to do which includes many of the projects I keep taking on because I have a hard time saying no. I have been trying to do too much which I also wrote about in another blog “Biting Off More Than I Can Chew” back on Sept 25, 2019 (https://youareenough712.wordpress.com) when my immune system first seemed to breakdown and now feels completely broken. 

I am also trying to fight off symptoms from the onset of osteo-arthritis and fibromyalgia (both of which I have been recently diagnosed with) and have taken an added toll on me both physically and mentally and has yet again left me searching for new treatments that don’t include medication. I have already tried changing my diet by adding certain foods and eliminating others that may cause further inflammation or pain in my body but I have had no real success and I will not take certain medications that treat fibromyalgia either as many of them are antidepressants which I have already tried for depression and failed big time.  

But my psychiatrist made a simple suggestion to me this week to get started as I begin to cleanse my body from the medication I am currently on to possibly begin another one. He told me that studies have shown that taking 1000 to 1500 mg of extra strength Tylenol every single day, 2 to 3 times a day can not only help fight off pain but may actually help with mood and anxiety as well if taken on a regular daily schedule. I even asked my good friend Dr. Google and he agreed!

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last month researching natural products that may be a better solution for both my current physical and mental state which could also help with inflammation and boost one’s immune system too and I found such products and began using them a week ago. In the first week since I have been taking them I lost close to the ten pounds I recently gained from the new medication. I’m hoping that this added bonus will soon start showing other signs of improvement to both my body and mind too but for now it seems like a step forward as I take some much needed steps back. (Don’t say I didn’t warn you that this blog would be all over the place!)

The Morning Show

The last few months have felt like a dream come true and today was the icing on the cake! Thank you for having me on this morning to share my story @morningshowca @globalnewsto @carolynglobal @jmacspeaks #amomentlikethis #parentingplaybook #wheredidmommyssmilego #amazondotca #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #startaconversation

https://globalnews.ca/video/6272474/parenting-playbook-how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-depression/

Catching The Other Shoe Before It Drops

My week began like any other and just as I mentioned in my latest blog “Maybe I Don’t Want To Get Better”, Dec 4, 2019; https://youareenough712.wordpress.com I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It seems as though whenever I have a moment of happiness in my life it is quickly overshadowed by some kind of despair or displeasure and this week has been no exception (actually it’s been a bit more than the exception but not up for discussing it right now; you’ll have to wait for the bestselling Tell-All edition). My depression and anxiety warn me at least once a day, if not more that this will happen and I have come to believe them because they really seem to find enjoyment in controlling just how much happiness I deserve and for how long I am allowed to feel any joy or pleasure.

In many of the situations that I encounter in which my illness drops the other shoe (a 6 inch stiletto to be exact), usually smack dab on top of my head or in the pit of my stomach, I often need to take a step back (that is once I can stand up again, or wipe away the tears) and talk my way through it. Oftentimes this will include creating healthy boundaries.

I’ve spoken about the importance of creating healthy boundaries many times before in my writing. I know that having healthy boundaries are extremely necessary in creating healthy relationships and in general, a healthy life. The problem for me though lies within my illness which often makes it very challenging and lets not forget that ugly five letter word that builds an electric fence around my ability to create those healthy boundaries: GUILT!

Guilt also has two allies that join forces regularly to consume my daily life; their names are Fear and Self-Doubt, and together they have a profound effect on many of my relationships. I continually feel like I am damned if I do or damned if I don’t because of my constant need for setting healthy boundaries for myself. Some people may look at these healthy boundaries as a selfish act, but I know in my heart (even when my mind tries to argue with it) that I need to do it for my own well-being.

Sometimes that may even mean distancing myself from toxic situations if my well-being is being compromised or trying not to force something that makes me feel sad or uncomfortable and it may also mean coming to terms with the fact that I no longer fit in everywhere.

Creating healthy boundaries means making self-care a priority and doing what’s best for you and your life and no-one else’s and once you are able to assertively throw that other shoe back at your guilt, your fear and your self-doubt it’s sure to make a lot more room in your closet for a brand new pair of comfy slippers because in all honesty who really needs another pair of 6 inch stilettos anyhow?

#healthyboundaries #selfcare #ichooseme #youarenotalone #youareenough #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #squashtheguilt #courage #comfyshoes