I made a promise to myself that I needed to take several steps back during the last few weeks of 2019 in order to help me figure out how I could step forward into 2020 but here I am just over a week into the new year and I have spent most of it in bed with a concussion.
It’s certainly not how I ever imagined the new year unfolding but I guess I have learned to “expect the unexpected” and it has been a very challenging week to say the least. The bumps and bruises on my body are physically beginning to heal but in turn I am now left dealing with even more bumps and bruises on my mind.
In my most recent blog “My Safe Place; Feeling The Weight Of My Blanket” (January 5, 2020) I talked about how I needed to rest in order to heal and that spending all day and night last Saturday curled up underneath my weighted blanket was very comforting for me. Lets face it we could all use a day like that every so often but right now my safe place feels almost too safe and scary.
Since the incident last Thursday morning when I fainted again and again and AGAIN I have not left my house other than to see my doctor and visit the emergency room and although I have been doing exactly what the doctor’s ordered by getting lots of rest, I now feel like I am severely paying the price for it mentally.
When many of us imagine a person battling with depression they immediately imagine a person curled up in bed sleeping all day and night. Well I can tell you firsthand that this is not true for everyone and is even further from the truth when it comes to me.
To begin with, I barely sleep! I will admit though that most of my days do not begin at sunrise (I am up at the crack of dawn, just not physically out of bed) and for my own mental health and wellness I avoid making too many commitments or appointments in the morning hours unless they don’t allow for it. I also know that in order to start my day off I must take a shower first (another great untruth that a person with depression doesn’t do).
But this week all I have wanted to do is lay in bed curled up under my blanket; doing absolutely nothing (yet still unable to sleep). I am especially finding that my concussion symptoms like headaches, dizziness and severe nausea are at their worst in the morning hours for some unknown reason; or maybe there is a reason and I’m just not up on all the concussion lingo and the thought of even taking a shower most days is painfully overwhelming too.
I know I am probably being too critical of myself as usual and I am feeling so much guilt as though I somehow caused this to happen. I am also feeling more worthlessness right now than ever as I am unable to complete even the simplest of tasks and want nothing more than to lie in bed day and night until I heal my body and mind.
I wish I was able to let go of the negative self-talk in my head in order to allow my body and mind to both heal properly but in the meantime my goal for today is to be able to try and make it out of my home in order to go to my appointment with my therapist because that would be some pretty big steps into 2020!
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