I may be all over the place today as I sit down to write this but it’s just because that’s how my mind works.  My illness causes my brain to always feel like there is a tornado swirling around in my head forcing me into a vortex without the ability to control it.  I know that I am very hard on myself and this week has been no exception.  

I have spent the past few days since making my national television debut on live TV hating myself more than ever even though I have had nothing but rave reviews; but my mind is telling me otherwise.  It’s told me that I am stupid, that people are just being nice, that I sounded like an idiot, that what I said was useless, that I didn’t get my point across the way I could have, that I made a fool of myself, that I should never have done it and that it’s time to give up on thinking that writing and publishing my book was ever a good idea to begin with.  Crazy eh?

I have been told this week by so many of you how brave I am, how courageous I am, how important it is to share my story, even the hosts of the morning show thought so, but yet here I am feeling like I am more worthless, hopeless and purposeless than ever. This week has been met with several other challenges as well which I can not share with you right now but is also a big part of what is making me need to take a step back and try to stop the vortex from pulling me right into the center of the storm.

One thing I know for certain is that the new medication I began several weeks ago is not helping me manage my illness, it in fact has done just the opposite. It’s left me with an increasingly high level of suicidal ideations, it’s left me with close to 10 pounds of weight gain even though my diet has not changed one bit and it’s left me not just tired from lack of sleep but fatigued beyond exhaustion.

Burnt-out is probably the best way to describe the way I am feeling right now and taking a step back as I mentioned is probably what I need to do which includes many of the projects I keep taking on because I have a hard time saying no. I have been trying to do too much which I also wrote about in another blog “Biting Off More Than I Can Chew” back on Sept 25, 2019 (https://youareenough712.wordpress.com) when my immune system first seemed to breakdown and now feels completely broken. 

I am also trying to fight off symptoms from the onset of osteo-arthritis and fibromyalgia (both of which I have been recently diagnosed with) and have taken an added toll on me both physically and mentally and has yet again left me searching for new treatments that don’t include medication. I have already tried changing my diet by adding certain foods and eliminating others that may cause further inflammation or pain in my body but I have had no real success and I will not take certain medications that treat fibromyalgia either as many of them are antidepressants which I have already tried for depression and failed big time.  

But my psychiatrist made a simple suggestion to me this week to get started as I begin to cleanse my body from the medication I am currently on to possibly begin another one. He told me that studies have shown that taking 1000 to 1500 mg of extra strength Tylenol every single day, 2 to 3 times a day can not only help fight off pain but may actually help with mood and anxiety as well if taken on a regular daily schedule. I even asked my good friend Dr. Google and he agreed!

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last month researching natural products that may be a better solution for both my current physical and mental state which could also help with inflammation and boost one’s immune system too and I found such products and began using them a week ago. In the first week since I have been taking them I lost close to the ten pounds I recently gained from the new medication. I’m hoping that this added bonus will soon start showing other signs of improvement to both my body and mind too but for now it seems like a step forward as I take some much needed steps back. (Don’t say I didn’t warn you that this blog would be all over the place!)

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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