I am on my way to give my book talk at the Richmond Hill United Church.
Since I began sharing my journey so openly some 6 years ago, I have made myself a promise to never stop sharing my story.
I have made myself a promise to never stop educating those who are willing to listen.
I have made myself a promise to never stop helping others understand how it feels to live with a mental illness; to feel broken, shame, hopelessness or suicidal.
I have made myself a promise that no one ever feel alone in their struggle and that they always know, no matter what, it’s okay to ask for help because you are worthy of it.
Opening up conversations about mental health and suicide saves lives.
My strength and survival are really being tested today.
Could someone please just write me a hall pass for today?
I need a break from myself. I don’t have the strength to maneuver my way through today. I need to press the pause button on my life right now?
I try to close my eyes, take a deep breath and imagine a place I’d rather be. It’s magical. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I’m dealing with alot all at once. I know I need to throw away the guilt and show myself more self-compassion. I know I shouldn’t feel like such a failure and burden.
I know I don’t need anyone’s permission to feel my feelings. I know I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself. I know my feelings are valid but then why does both my pain and limitations make me feel as though they’d be better understood if I had cancer or even a broken leg? Why does that feel so much more accepting and way more forgiving in this moment?
I’m doing all that I can to protect my mental health today, I know that is the first sign of strength.
Panic attacks are sudden feelings of intense and alarming fear which can trigger very serious physical and mental reactions.
I suffer from them often, just today as a matter of fact.
During the onset of a panic attack a person may react with any combination of the following symptoms: intrusive thoughts, excessive worrying, irritability, loss of control, dizziness, restlessness, feeling like they are on the edge, negative thoughts, heart palpitations, difficulty breathing, inability to concentrate, nausea, stomach aches, headaches, tightness in chest, muscle tension, sweating or chills, loss of appetite, numbness, shakiness, fight or flight mode, a sense of impending doom or immediate danger. Blend them together and alarm bells go off.
I am honoured to have been invited (back in March) to speak at my first in-person event in over 2 years at the Richmond Hill United Church this coming Saturday, September 10th which also happens to be “World Suicide Prevention Day”.
There will be events and activities taking place throughout the day including thousands of used books for sale, a garden cafe for refreshments, artisans, story time and crafts for kids, music, author readings and other keynote speakers.
I am scheduled to speak from 11:30 to noon where I will discuss the importance of talking about mental illness with loved ones with openness and honestly, including our children. I will also focus on my inspiration and passion for writing “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?”; my labour of love. It’s my own personal journey but one that affects millions of families around the world each and every day.
And although I am still feeling as though I am barely holding on right now, it’s in these moments where I feel most purposeful which is why I am really looking forward to sharing my children’s book with others live and in-person and to be given the opportunity to have a Q and A afterwards. I am also looking forward to starting some important and much needed conversations, interacting with other authors and artisans and hopefully sell some books too!
I wanted to post this today as today is “National Read A Book Day”. We are living in a world that is so consumed by technology that I thought a great way to honour “National Read A Book Day”, “National Self-Care Awareness Month” and the start of a new school year for many young people is by turning the page to a new chapter.
Statistics show that an average of 1 in 5 youth have seriously considered taking their own life in the past year alone. More than half of them consumed by online searches on the web or social media platforms for relatable information and most of whom, sadly choosing to never share their thoughts of suicide with anyone.
I’m pretty sure that after the last 2 years many (if not most) parents are excitedly getting ready for some semblance of normalcy as the new school year gets underway, but keep in mind that there are many children who are not necessarily feeling that same abundance of excitement; and it’s not because of school itself.
Mental health issues cause millions of kids every year to not want to be at school therefore it is crucial, now more than ever, for our school communities and classroom settings to create an open dialog around suicide and suicidal ideations by ensuring that there are enough supports in place for when they need it the most, especially for the children who may not be able to find support at home.
Let’s keep reminding ourselves that our children’s mental health is more important than anything, especially their grades; and that our kids always know that even broken crayons hold value and purpose in this world and that they can still create the most beautiful pictures with them.
What is something you feel should be taught in schools but isn’t?
Wishing all our kids, parents, teachers and school communities a successful year ahead.
I am feeling both mentally and physically exhausted.
My trip to the ER yesterday afternoon has left me feeling further confused and to be perfectly honest, even more defeated than I was 24 hours ago.
There is so much happening in my personal life right now and for most of you reading this I have only just scratched the surface of what’s actually been going on behind closed doors for the last 5 months or more; it’s just too personal and agonizing to share. It can feel very lonely at times as well.
These added stressors in my life, whether it be from my personal journey itself or my physical and mental health, have left me completely broken once and for all.
I am still enduring unrelenting and simply unbearable effects from the Psilocybin Research Trial I participated in back on April 2nd which continues to be a daily struggle for me due to the rarity of my diagnosis and trying to get the proper care I so desperately need right now feels almost impossible, with wait times up to a year or more to see a specialist who could possibly help me (they are very few and far between in Canada due to its rarity). I did ask the ER doctor last night if he had any other suggestions for me, then told me that their hospital is not equipped to handle my condition and that waiting on the referral which my Psychiatrist already made is probably the best route to go because it is such a specific and difficult diagnosis to treat. So I guess all I can do for now is try and hold on to the hope that the Neurologist who I last saw back in July was right when he told me that “a circuit broke in my brain on the day of my treatment and that “hopefully” it will just eventually fix itself!”
Before being released after a very tiresome night which came to an end just around midnight and with additional referrals and resources in wait, the doctor on call as well as the crisis worker whom I spoke with in great length praised me for coming in and for having the strength to seek help when I’m in crisis and knowing that when life feels too much to bare on my own they are always there to help keep me safe, which is their main priority.
I’m slowly learning that “it’s okay if you fall apart sometimes, tacos fall apart all the time and we still love them” (I do love tacos!).
Thank you to everyone for showering me with so much love and support yesterday and for continuing to encourage me and show me I’m worth fighting for. I am truly grateful.
I’m writing this as I lie in an overwhelmed emergency room (that’s probably an understatement). After being triaged I was quickly whisked off to an area of emerg where they treat mentally unwell patients. I am now under a watchful eye of hospital security while I await the crisis team to come talk to me. As an outsider looking in, this is an extremely scary place to be. Just moments ago a patient was brought in, restrained by 6 police officers/security guards. It was in that very moment that I remembered why I try everything in my power to avoid coming to emerg while feeling at my most vulnerable but it was also in that moment that I reminded myself that it was where I needed to be.
Some days though it’s much easier said than done.
September is National Self-Care Awareness month.
September is Suicide Awareness month.
September I will be focusing my attention on the importance of both self-care and suicide awareness. Let me start with a personal message to anyone else who needs to hear this today. Self-care is not selfish, asking for help is courageous; remember, you are not alone and guess what; it’s more than okay to not be okay some days.
Yup August definitely slipped away into a moment in time. But so too has the whole summer and before we know it another year will be over.
Why does time seem to go by so quickly the older we get?
From a psychological standpoint the answer is simple. So much of what we experience as children is fresh and new and fascinating and mindful which allows their young minds to process more information than we as adults do, making our experiences the older we get feel more familiar to us and eventually we just seem to become more and more desensitized to them.
As adults though we also very often forget how to slow down, how to enjoy our new experiences, how to develop new skills or hobbies or how to make a conscious effort to be more mindful. We forget how to just be in the moment and pay closer attention to our surroundings by living through our senses like children do.
Maybe the answer to the question above, “why does time seem to go by so quickly the older we get?” is really about learning how to expand the time we live while in those moments, taking a step back while in that moment and being more curious and childlike and mindful by asking ourselves while in the moment “what do my new surroundings/experience feel like? Taste like? Sound like? Smell like? And look like?” This is a practice I use everytime I go hiking and maybe it’s why I enjoy it so much (try it for yourself even if it’s while doing the dishes or sitting in bumper to bumper traffic).
And as Einstein once said, “Time is relative; it’s only worth depends upon what we do as it is passing.”
Depression distorts your thoughts and leaves you feeling emotionally vulnerable.
It’s exhausting.
It challenges everything you thought you once knew.
But Depression cannot be trusted. It lies and deceives.
It chirps in your ear day and night, telling you that you aren’t trying hard enough.
It makes you believe that you are a burden and that nothing truly matters.
It leaves you feeling hopeless.
It convinces you that you will never get better and that you are simply unfixable and then just when you think its lies can’t possibly get any worse it will try to convince you that your life isn’t even worth fighting for anymore.
Lies. Lies. Lies…
*If you or someone you love is struggling with a mental health crisis, please reach out. You are not alone. There are resources available right now at your nearest emergency room or call 1.833.456.4566 immediately.
YouAreEnough 
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