**New Blog: Please Read to the end**

I’m ready to share my truth (as embarrassing as this is for me) of what happened to me during my Psilocybin treatment and what it has done to the quality of my life since. It’s a long one but I do hope an educational one as well.

*may be triggering*

The clinical portion of my Psilocybin journey has now come to an end. It actually feels like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I had no longer qualified for further treatments due to the neurological damage it had caused me which has also contributed to a significant decline in my mental health too but I made a promise to my Psychiatrist several months ago to stay as present as I could in the study, just on a much smaller scale, so that they could continue to collect necessary data for their research (*I’m pretty sure I will be written up in medical journals as that one unexplainable phenomenon).

As many of you know who follow my journey regularly I have always kept a promise to be as open and honest as I possibly can and I have made it my life’s purpose to allow others who may be reading or listening to always feel as though they are not alone and that it’s ok to ask for help. Sharing my own struggles has brought comfort to so many people and although I may not share everything going on in my life, if it’s part of my own personal mental health story, I’d say it’s been pretty darn close. 

As many of you also know, I have been feeling extremely defeated lately, frustrated, angry and beyond exhausted from all the added stress I’m dealing with. I’m worn out to the point that I’m barely holding on right now. I’ve got no more fight left in me and I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been consumed by thoughts of suicide day and night for weeks now because of what I’m going through mentally, physically AND personally. 

The other day though, I was reminded of a conversation I’d had with a Psychiatrist I spoke with late one night while in emerg last September. He told me that it was now time for me to start advocating for myself and not just for others. I took what he said to heart and it’s been a huge focus of mine for the past year but now I feel like I just can’t do it anymore. There are just too many obstacles in my way due to our failing healthcare system and the lack of resources, understanding and research surrounding my new condition. 

So to say that I am feeling very much alone right now is probably an understatement which is why I have decided that today is the day I am going to open the curtain into my life just a little bit wider and try and advocate for myself by using the same platform that has helped so many other people find the courage to ask for help or feel less alone and I know firsthand just how powerful social media can be (just know as you continue reading that this is also the hardest and honestly most difficult thing I’ve ever shared along my entire journey).

It’s actually near insanity what I’m about to share. I still can’t believe it myself. I feel like I’m living in a nightmare.

As it is, it took me the better part of a month of suffering in complete silence post treatment before I finally found the courage to even open up to my own husband about what had truly been happening to my body since the first moment my psychedelic trip began. For several weeks prior I just kept trying to convince myself that it was all in my head and I must be imagining it.

The “trip” lasted well over 6 hours in total and far longer than the doctors in my care ever expected; five and a half of those hours were spent laying completely helpless on a very uncomfortable couch, pillow under my head, my body wrapped in a blanket (that I quickly managed to unwrap) while listening to very distressing music on headphones they gave me as part of the study and my eyes covered in a dark mask all the while, convulsing non stop. Once I finally divulged everything to Rich then came the even more difficult conversations with my therapist, Psychiatrist and GP. A diagnosis was confirmed but that was just the beginning. 

Suffering in silence is not a healthy way to live but as I’m sure you will be able to understand shortly, I was too embarrassed and too ashamed to share with anyone else until I began to process my diagnosis and opening up little by little with close friends almost became a necessity and the more I learned through my own research, including joining a Facebook group I found for people like myself from all over the world who are dealing with this same unrelenting, unbearable, very rare, incurable disorder was I able to slowly feel comfortable enough sharing with others as well.

But it’s not enough anymore. It’s becoming more and more concerning, without any resolution in sight and as my level of stress increases so too do my symptoms. It’s becoming more and more unmanageable and more and more difficult to hide it. I’ve seen 2 different types of Neurologists, one of whom sent me for an EEG and MRI and one of whom told me a circuit broke in my brain the day of the treatment and hopefully it will fix itself one day. I’m on a wait list to see 2 other specialists and have been told I will be lucky if I get in to see either of them within the year. 

Through my own self-advocacy and Google searches I was able to find the only 2 doctors in Ontario (both of whom do research at Queens University in Kingston Ontario). They are both recognized as “distinguished” in this field of study. They were able to recommend a couple of treatment options to me but unfortunately one of which was to try taking an antidepressant to help give me some relief from my symptoms which is also unfortunately not a viable option for me given the lengthy list of dangerous side effects they have caused me in the past. I’d just be trading in one issue for another, if they’d even work at all, which is not a risk I’m willing to take any more. Their other recommendations are not ones covered by our lovely healthcare system unless I do it through one of the 2 referrals I’m hoping to see before 2024!!

I am speaking out today because I want to help normalize this disorder and spread awareness. The number of people suffering in silence right now far outweighs the statistics due to its sensitive nature which is also why I’ve chosen to use my platform to try and find other avenues to explore or doors which could possibly open up faster in order for me or someone else reading this to seek help (there is one Guru whose name has been mentioned numerous times to me by the doctors I’ve spoken to and many members in the Facebook group I’m in who have had the pleasure of meeting him but unfortunately he works in San Diego!). He’s written many research articles on the topic which is why he is so well known because there has been very minimal research done on the topic and has only been recognized in the medical field for the past 20 years, leaving what seems to be most doctors having very little to no training or knowledge on its many complexities. 

I am finding myself sleeping less and less as sitting and lying down escalate many of my flare-ups throughout my day and when the flare-ups are at their peak my entire body trembles. I am experiencing a constant tingling sensation in my hands and feet, brain zaps, numbness throughout my body, nausea and a shakiness in both my arms and legs (likened to that of restless leg syndrome). I can no longer handle simple touch and sudden noises or movement like a sneeze, cough, snore or clearing of someone’s throat will trigger my symptoms as well. It is consuming my entire life and wellbeing at this point in time. Distractions throughout my day are certainly helpful but only last for short periods of time.

I think I will leave you here with an article attached to help fill in the blanks (which there are lots of). As I mentioned at the start of this please know that this has been the hardest thing I’ve ever shared, but I don’t want it to be. 

If anyone would like to reach out to me privately please feel free to. 

Thank you for those who made it all the way to the end. I apologize for its length but I just needed to get it all out. Thank you for continuing to come along with me on this crazy journey of mine.

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/23998-persistent-genital-arousal-disorder

#pgad #tmi #mentalhealth #suicideawareness #depression #anxiety #suicideprevention #stress #youarenotalone #itsoktoaskforhelp #myjourney #blogger #youareenough #sharingmytruth #itsoktonotbeok #treatmentresistantdepression #selfadvocacy

Sharing my story has become a big part of my healing process and it helps me feel less alone. It’s built connections I could’ve never imagined and it helps me work through many of the obstacles I face in my daily life too. 

But the truth is, it isn’t who I am that holds me back, it’s who I think I’m not. “Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” ~ Marianne Williamson

Battling depression makes it extremely difficult for me to see what others see in me because from where I’m standing the view is pretty distorted but whether it’s an inspiring quote sent to me by a dear friend, a sentimental painting made with love or a heartfelt message from a complete stranger who’s taken the time to reach out to me to remind me of my importance on this planet, please know that I hear you, I see you and boy do I ever appreciate you. 

These gentle reminders are simple yet impactful ways to let others know (even a stranger) that you have the power to be someone who helps others who enter your life, even a stranger, feel like they matter.

Everyone deserves to feel as though they are worth it. Three years ago today I was honoured in a room filled with new friends, old friends, friends I’d never met as well as loved ones to celebrate the launch of my new children’s book. The words Rich spoke to me that night are words that I continue to hold dear to my heart still today, reminding me of all the things I can’t see in me and that there is nothing more powerful than to “be someone who makes everybody else feel like a someone.” ~ unknown 

Click here for video montage to see how others see me: https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cis7jOUJHMR/?igshid=MDJmNzVkMjY=

Feel free to also check out Rich’s words in the link below: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2019/09/20/my-love/

#mondaymotivation #aheroliesinyou #besomeonewhomakeseveryonefeellikeasomeone #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #howdoothersseeme #selflove #wheredidmommyssmilego #youareworthy #youareenough #speakingfromtheheart

My first wine tour. I drank pink lemonade!

Thanks for taking us on a sparkling adventure this afternoon @hannahfluxgold.

Family + friends = fun – some key players = 🥲.

#winetour #niagaraonthelake #summerofrich #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #friends #family #wine #lemonade #lastweekendofsummer @ravinevineyard

May we raise sons to cherish their mothers and may we all be mothers who cherish their sons.

As you close the chapter on the year that’s past I’m certain you will look back on it with so much pride, remembering a year filled with some of the most incredible, life-changing memories, milestones and firsts for you.

And now as you turn the page again today to the start of another new year I will be there, cheering you on, excitedly waiting to see where your journey will take you next.

Hannah, you exemplify such strength, beauty and grace in everything you do and dad and I are both so very proud, grateful and blessed to call you our daughter.

Happy birthday Hannah Banana

#happybirthday #middlechild #hannahbanana #proudmama #grateful #blessed #ourbestsurprise #cheerstotwentythree #newchapter #birthdaygirl #princess #daddysgirl #loveyoutothemoonandback #foreverandaday

*Trigger Warning* *Suicidal Ideations*

I am so beyond the point of being just angry and frustrated with myself. I am now living with so much regret as well for ever considering taking part in the clinical trial due to the overwhelming damage it has caused my body but I also know that had I not tried it I’d always be wondering, “what if”?

I went into treatment day on April 2, 2022 with a positive mindset and set intentions. I felt hopeful after all the research I’d done on the many benefits of Psilocybin that this would finally be what could help lift my cloud of sadness and somehow alleviate my symptoms of living with treatment resistant depression for so long. I figured I had nothing more to lose and prayed for the “what if” it could help change my mindset for even just a short while or “what if” it could help better the quality of my life. “What if” it actually works?

Well five and a half months later as my participation in the trial comes to a close this week, my mental health is at its breaking point and all I do is beat myself up for believing that it was going to change my life for the better as I continue to live with the unbearable consequences and feelings of once again failing yet another treatment which is exactly what my depression wants me so badly to believe.

And to add further insult to injury after I’d made myself a promise some time ago to NEVER, EVER watch another Documentary or investigative news report on TV or watch another YouTube video or read another scientifically based article on the topic or even consider trying another psychedelic, I turned on the new Netflix limited series the other day called “How To Change Your Mind” which is based on a book by Michael Pollan. I went right to the episode on Psilocybin. 

For more than a year prior to being accepted into the trial, even while I was in the midst of doing my Ketamine treatments several months earlier; friends, acquaintances and strangers alike would reach out to me with only the best of intentions and purest of hearts to tell me that I’ve gotta try therapy led microdosing, that it’s the absolute best thing in the world, that it’s been life changing for them and so healing. I was assured I’d find God, see God, talk to God and possibly even become God lol and so when the opportunity presented itself at the end of last year through my Psychiatrist to participate in this research trial I didn’t hesitate. But unfortunately this was not what happened for me and these magic mushrooms were far from magical. My body has proven to me time and time again that it is overwhelmingly sensitive to any chemicals I put into it, natural or not.

As I sat there watching the episode in its entirety, I cried, alot. My emotions rose at an alarming rate as I began to relive the events of that day in a series of flashbacks while observing others on the screen go through a similar journey as mine yet they all came out of it with a clearer mind and their cloud of darkness lifted. Watching the episode while torchering myself further only reiterated to me what I already knew; that I’m a failure. 

I know, I know, I’m not a failure, it’s the system that keeps failing me. I know, I know, it’s not my fault that my body rejected the heavy dose of Psilocybin I received. I know, I know it’s not my fault that both my body and mind went into another dimension and couldn’t find its way out for over 6 hours and I know, I know, it’s not my fault that I had absolutely no therapy led guidance throughout the treatment as I lay there, beyond helpless in front of two doctors, for hours and hours convulsing and spasming while they observed me like a lab rat, taking notes and not once uttering a word to me. It felt anything but therapeutic or healing. 

I share my personal experiences with you not to deter anyone from following their own path towards healing but for others to understand that the path to healing from a mental illness is not linear nor can someone just snap out of it. No two people are the same, no two experiences are the same and what works for one person may not work for someone else and vice versa. But you will never know unless you try. For now though my journey toward healing feels like it’s at a standstill as this entire experience has left me feeling as though I can’t do this anymore. 

youareenough712.wordpress.com 

#Psilocybin #clinicaltrial #research #magicmushrooms #ptsd #treatmentresistantdepression #mentalhealth #healing #wellness #suicideawarenessmonth #selfcare #frustrated #angry #regret #whatif

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A post shared by Kim Fluxgold (@kimfluxgold)

NO, you are not useless.

NO, you are not a burden, lazy or worthless.

NO, this is not your fault and NO, the world would not be better off without you in it.

I know Depression is telling you these lies because it tells me the exact same ones each and every day; lets try and fight back together because you my friend are not alone.

#depressionlies #repeatafterme #youmyfriendarenotalone #no #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #fightback #itsoktonotbeok

Yesterday late afternoon and well into the evening there was a large police presence outside a home down the street from me (and are still present today). It turns out that it is the home of the fallen police officer who was ambushed yesterday afternoon by a lone gunman who walked into a Tim Hortons where officer Andrew Hong happened to be grabbing some lunch while on a quick break from a training course nearby. The gunman shot one other patron in the store as well before continuing on his shooting rampage in neighbouring communities, shooting several other innocent people and also took the life of a local mechanic shop owner (unconfirmed reports say that he was the shooter’s former boss).

We owe a debt of gratitude to Constable Andrew Hong and to all our police officers who risk their lives on the front line each and every day to serve and protect their communities. Yesterday was a stark reminder that Canada too has lost its innocence.

Officer Hong leaves behind his wife, 2 teenage children, parents and a police community in mourning.

Sending my deepest and most heartfelt condolences to both of the victim’s families, friends and fellow officers as well👮‍♂️.

#heros #senseless #ToServeandProtect #ourinnocenceislost #toronto #gtha #policeofficers #thankyouforyourservice #constableandrewhong

Yesterday was “National Make Your Bed Day”. I barely had the energy to get out of bed yesterday, nevermind make it.

One of the very first blogs I ever wrote and shared was back in 2017 titled “Make Your Bed”. I wrote it after watching a commencement speech on YouTube given by Admiral William H. McRaven, a retired U.S Navy Seal, in 2014 to the graduating class at the University of Texas and then reading the book which he later wrote where he expands further upon the 10 lessons he learned from his 6 months of grueling, demanding, tiring and debilitating Navy Seal training.

The number one lesson he learned; making your bed every single day can improve your state of mind and benefit your body too!

I wanted to reshare my original blog I wrote back in 2017 with you today as well as his truly inspiring speech he first gave in 2014, which quickly went viral (it’s close to 20 mins in length, but well worth the listen).

Make Your Bed

Spoiler alert: My kids were so inspired by the Admiral’s words after I shared his commencement speech with them back in 2017 that they began to make their beds every day since! 

#makeyourbed #inspiration #mondaymotivation #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #nationalmakeyourbedday #admiralwilliamhmcraven #navyseal #commencementspeech #lessonstoliveby

Yesterday I gave my first in-person book talk in well over two years to a very small and intimate group of people; but whether they just so happened to be very dear friends of mine or avid followers of my journey whom I’d only ever engaged with online before, their presence and support were beyond welcomed and so beyond appreciated. 

Unfortunately the authors who had been booked to speak throughout the day yesterday were not the main focus of the event itself. The large crowds of people being drawn to this event were mainly coming for the gigantic used book sale and to support their local community Church. 

I’ve learned over the last many years that doing events like this which are not solely focused on mental health can be a crap-shoot. But I am again beyond grateful and honoured to have been invited to speak yesterday and be given the opportunity to showcase my advocacy regardless because I know in my heart how important it is that I continue sharing my story and reaching as many audiences as possible even if fear and discomfort try to get in my way. 

After my book talk was over I then spent the next few hours in the Church’s community room with some of the other authors and artisans where I continued to share my story and touch other hearts with some of the patrons wandering about; one of whom shed several tears as she stood quietly reading my children’s book to herself (which she bought to pass along to a loved one). 

I was very nervous going into yesterday, I didn’t know what to expect and given the fact that I have literally been holding on by a thread for several weeks now, reaching outside of my comfort zone was hard.

But I also know that doing what’s easy and comfortable may not always be what’s best for me or anyone for that matter. The comfort zone though is where we feel most safe and in control.

More often than not I have to push myself on a daily basis to do things that I am not feeling up to doing or wanting to do but I also know that in order for me to grow I must learn to embrace the discomfort. 

I know it takes a lot of courage to leave our comfort zone and step into our fear head on, it can be a very scary place but at the same time it can also be very rewarding when you are able to find the strength to do so, leading to a growth mindset where new goals and aspirations can be achieved and purpose can be found.

For highlights (with sound) from yesterday please click link below https://www.facebook.com/reel/1588444318256649?s=yWDuG2&fs=e

“All growth starts at the end of your comfort zone” ~ TONY ROBBINS

#comfortzone #goals #aspirations #growthmindset #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #booktalk #fears #author #childrensbook #agentlereminder #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #believeinyourself #yourestrongerthanyouthink #wheredidmommyssmilego