*Trigger Warning* *Suicidal Ideations*
I am so beyond the point of being just angry and frustrated with myself. I am now living with so much regret as well for ever considering taking part in the clinical trial due to the overwhelming damage it has caused my body but I also know that had I not tried it I’d always be wondering, “what if”?
I went into treatment day on April 2, 2022 with a positive mindset and set intentions. I felt hopeful after all the research I’d done on the many benefits of Psilocybin that this would finally be what could help lift my cloud of sadness and somehow alleviate my symptoms of living with treatment resistant depression for so long. I figured I had nothing more to lose and prayed for the “what if” it could help change my mindset for even just a short while or “what if” it could help better the quality of my life. “What if” it actually works?
Well five and a half months later as my participation in the trial comes to a close this week, my mental health is at its breaking point and all I do is beat myself up for believing that it was going to change my life for the better as I continue to live with the unbearable consequences and feelings of once again failing yet another treatment which is exactly what my depression wants me so badly to believe.
And to add further insult to injury after I’d made myself a promise some time ago to NEVER, EVER watch another Documentary or investigative news report on TV or watch another YouTube video or read another scientifically based article on the topic or even consider trying another psychedelic, I turned on the new Netflix limited series the other day called “How To Change Your Mind” which is based on a book by Michael Pollan. I went right to the episode on Psilocybin.
For more than a year prior to being accepted into the trial, even while I was in the midst of doing my Ketamine treatments several months earlier; friends, acquaintances and strangers alike would reach out to me with only the best of intentions and purest of hearts to tell me that I’ve gotta try therapy led microdosing, that it’s the absolute best thing in the world, that it’s been life changing for them and so healing. I was assured I’d find God, see God, talk to God and possibly even become God lol and so when the opportunity presented itself at the end of last year through my Psychiatrist to participate in this research trial I didn’t hesitate. But unfortunately this was not what happened for me and these magic mushrooms were far from magical. My body has proven to me time and time again that it is overwhelmingly sensitive to any chemicals I put into it, natural or not.
As I sat there watching the episode in its entirety, I cried, alot. My emotions rose at an alarming rate as I began to relive the events of that day in a series of flashbacks while observing others on the screen go through a similar journey as mine yet they all came out of it with a clearer mind and their cloud of darkness lifted. Watching the episode while torchering myself further only reiterated to me what I already knew; that I’m a failure.
I know, I know, I’m not a failure, it’s the system that keeps failing me. I know, I know, it’s not my fault that my body rejected the heavy dose of Psilocybin I received. I know, I know it’s not my fault that both my body and mind went into another dimension and couldn’t find its way out for over 6 hours and I know, I know, it’s not my fault that I had absolutely no therapy led guidance throughout the treatment as I lay there, beyond helpless in front of two doctors, for hours and hours convulsing and spasming while they observed me like a lab rat, taking notes and not once uttering a word to me. It felt anything but therapeutic or healing.
I share my personal experiences with you not to deter anyone from following their own path towards healing but for others to understand that the path to healing from a mental illness is not linear nor can someone just snap out of it. No two people are the same, no two experiences are the same and what works for one person may not work for someone else and vice versa. But you will never know unless you try. For now though my journey toward healing feels like it’s at a standstill as this entire experience has left me feeling as though I can’t do this anymore.
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