Update: So What Now?

Trigger Warning ⚠️ 

I’m home now; (in case you missed my post last night: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2022/09/01/trigger-warning/).

I am feeling both mentally and physically exhausted. 

My trip to the ER yesterday afternoon has left me feeling further confused and to be perfectly honest, even more defeated than I was 24 hours ago. 

There is so much happening in my personal life right now and for most of you reading this I have only just scratched the surface of what’s actually been going on behind closed doors for the last 5 months or more; it’s just too personal and agonizing to share. It can feel very lonely at times as well.

These added stressors in my life, whether it be from my personal journey itself or my physical and mental health, have left me completely broken once and for all. 

I am still enduring unrelenting and simply unbearable effects from the Psilocybin Research Trial I participated in back on April 2nd which continues to be a daily struggle for me due to the rarity of my diagnosis and trying to get the proper care I so desperately need right now feels almost impossible, with wait times up to a year or more to see a specialist who could possibly help me (they are very few and far between in Canada due to its rarity). I did ask the ER doctor last night if he had any other suggestions for me, then told me that their hospital is not equipped to handle my condition and that waiting on the referral which my Psychiatrist already made is probably the best route to go because it is such a specific and difficult diagnosis to treat. So I guess all I can do for now is try and hold on to the hope that the Neurologist who I last saw back in July was right when he told me that “a circuit broke in my brain on the day of my treatment and that “hopefully” it will just eventually fix itself!”

Before being released after a very tiresome night which came to an end just around midnight and with additional referrals and resources in wait, the doctor on call as well as the crisis worker whom I spoke with in great length praised me for coming in and for having the strength to seek help when I’m in crisis and knowing that when life feels too much to bare on my own they are always there to help keep me safe, which is their main priority. 

I’m slowly learning that “it’s okay if you fall apart sometimes, tacos fall apart all the time and we still love them” (I do love tacos!).

Thank you to everyone for showering me with so much love and support yesterday and for continuing to encourage me and show me I’m worth fighting for. I am truly grateful. 

#mentalhealth #mentalwellness #selfcareawarenessmonth #suicideawarenessmonth #itsoktofallapart #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #itsoktoaskforhelp #whatnow #depression #treatmentresistant #friendship #support #tacos #grateful 

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: