Yesterday I was feeling a bit under the weather and BEYOND exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep but as physically exhausted as I felt all day I knew that as soon as I were to get into bed that all bets would be off. So I decided to take something to help me fall asleep because I needed to sleep BEYOND badly.
I’ve been prescribed sleeping pills in the past but like all other medications I’ve tried they really never worked properly and within days I would build up a tolerance to them anyways. This did eventually lead me to start abusing some of my prescribed meds, taking upwards of 8 to 10 pills a day, just so I could feel numb and maybe get a few solid hours of sleep at night.
Well that didn’t end well at all on so many levels and once it was discovered that I had been stashing away certain medications in my home Rich began having to hide all my prescriptions and distributing them to me every day and I guess it’s a good thing that I have also since been flagged from being prescribed certain medications all together unless under proper supervision.
But that’s okay because they never really helped much anyways and so nowadays when I do take something for sleep I go for more of a natural remedy instead. I fight with myself to take anything most nights because truthfully they don’t really help much either.
It’s almost 4 am as I am writing this and I should be fast asleep since I was so BEYOND physically exhausted yesterday and I did take a sleep aid before I got into bed but my case in point, sleep remedies don’t work for me.
Ok maybe I’m lying a bit because after taking something to help me fall asleep last night I did in fact fall asleep within an hour of taking it and I got a solid 1 hour of sleep!!! 1 whole glorious hour of sleep! And then I woke up and have been up since before 11 pm, which is about the same time most of you reading this were just about to doze off to dreamland for the night!
I’m starting to think that sleep is kinda, sorta beyond overrated anyways? 😢😢😢
I finally finished this puzzle tonight. I’m pretty sure it was the most challenging puzzle I’ve ever done in my whole life.
My girls had so thoughtfully bought me this puzzle a couple of weeks ago knowing just how much I enjoy doing them and it’d been a while since I’d done one but then almost immediately upon opening up the box I became quite overwhelmed by it.
Normally I have no problem organizing the pieces of any size puzzle and then I excitedly like to get started right away but this time around I became easily frustrated right from the very beginning.
Puzzles usually take me at most a few days to complete but suddenly this time around I also found myself adding additional anxiety to my day everytime I looked at it and began pressuring myself to get it done RIGHT NOW, or else.
I’m not really sure why I always put so much undue pressure on myself for just about every single “piece” of my life, it really is quite “puzzling” to say the very least but in any case I was determined to complete the darn thing no matter what it took or even how long it did because I knew how rewarding it would feel by doing so.
Today is “Giving Tuesday” which has become a recognized day of giving all across the Globe. It takes place on the first Tuesday after Black Friday and is a day for people to give back and/or volunteer for their favourite causes and Non-Profits.
“Giving Tuesday” is also the official kick-off to the holiday season, better known as the “Season of Giving”.
December is about making human connections and bringing good will and simple joy to others, however this December is sadly going to look and feel a whole lot different than in years past for much of the world.
So as we begin this final stretch of 2020 today (yay!) let’s all start by spreading as much hope and kindness as is humanly possible to others during the month ahead, and of course don’t forget to keep some of it for yourself as well. Remember that “no act of kindness is ever too small”.
My illness lies to me all the damn time but it’s so hard not to believe its vicious lies after everything we’ve been through together in the past six and a half years.
One such lie that it repeats over and over and over again is how much of a burden I am to my family and how much better off they would be without me.
It constantly triggers countless negative thoughts and emotions in my head that pull me in a million different directions which can strike at any moment, especially during the dark and lonely nights.
Last night I shared with you one of the most meaningful and proudest moments any parent could ever imagine. A moment that should prove to all the untruths once and for all that my illness is nothing more than a big fat liar because I must be loved, I must be needed and I must truly be cherished.
When we first become parents we aim for perfection and we strive to provide for our kids a near perfect life, but how realistic is that really when we live in such an imperfect world?
And truth be told, there is nothing wrong with being an imperfect parent, infact being such is actually perfectly perfect even if my illness tries to tell me otherwise.
I have been overwhelmed with so much emotion since Jacob unveiled his tattoo to us last night. My kids have been living in a pretty imperfect place for the better part of six years now and although my illness keeps telling me that I am a burden to my family and that they are better off without me this gift from Jacob has shown me that being “good enough” or being “imperfect” may just be the greatest and most perfectly perfect gift you can ever give to a child after all.
My heart is overflowing tonight. There are no words to describe how I am feeling right now.
This is Jacob’s latest tattoo that he got yesterday. The picture was originally taken while on a family vacation in Washington D.C nine years ago during the week of his 13th birthday (but he swapped out the Washington Monument for the C.N Tower).
Thank you for this incredibly meaningful and very moving gesture. You are always so full of surprises. 🤗🥰
“Then gradually day by day my life began to change. And the mommy I once knew and loved became very sad and strange.”
This could be any one of our children’s voices. It wasn’t too long ago infact that this was my own children’s voices being echoed after finding themselves scared and unsure while struggling to cope with and understand their feelings as they watched their mother become a stranger in their home.
Covid-19 has added an immense amount of pressures and liabilities on millions of parents and families alike and many more are now finding themselves struggling with their own mental health issues, especially that of Anxiety and Depression.
I’ve said it many times before how my children were the inspiration for writing my book. It was through their strength and resilience that I was able to find a way to share their voices with other children who may also be in need of the comfort in knowing that they are not alone while learning to cope with their own feelings and to understand that they are safe, loved and most of all not to blame for their parent’s illness.
“Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go? is not only a heartwarming story of one family’s journey but it’s also a voice for millions of children everywhere.
To find out how you can get a copy of my book please message me or email me at: youthareenough@gmail.com
Just 2 weeks shy of completing her first semester at Ryerson University in Interior Design, Rachel officially graduated from High School tonight!
It may not have been in the traditional way that we had hoped for but we are extremely proud of all of her accomplishments during her time in High School just the same.
It doesn’t take much to make me cry and today was no exception. I felt a lot of tension and anger and sadness and frustration building up inside of me yesterday which carried over into the wee hours of the night and eventually turned into a full blown self-hating “Party For One” somewhere after midnight.
Everything in my life right now feels like it’s coming unhinged and I don’t know how much more I can take. I’m sitting in my car as I write this, the doors are locked and I’m feeling trapped, without any way to escape.
I can feel the chaos of my life around me and it’s taking over my entire body. I am shaking in fear as the tears begin to well up in my eyes. I find the note in my phone that I wrote to myself late last night during my self-hating “Party For One” and the slow build up of tears quickly turns to a waterfall of emotions.
I’m even more exhausted now while trying to read my note than I was when I first wrote it late last night and suddenly my eyes have become blurred from all the tears.
I put away my note and try to concentrate on my breathing instead. I can feel my heart palpitations and shakiness start to slow down with every breath I take and soon the tears begin to slow down as well.
Sometimes a good cry is all you need in order to help release your distress, calm yourself down, regulate your emotions and distract you from all the self-hate you have built up in your heart (and thank you to a good friend who happened to call me at just the right moment).
@theholdernessfamily have been a great source of laughter and comfort for me over the last many months.
Their videos are always so creative, entertaining, nostalgic and often carry with it a strong and meaningful message.
The Holderness family is so relatable to so many of us who are also just desperately trying to survive and navigate their way through day to day life during a Global Pandemic in the best and safest way possible.
I know we are all missing our loved ones and have had to sacrifice so much this year (and I don’t believe that closing small businesses and retail stores as they have done so in parts of Ontario this week is necessarily the answer but then again do we really know what the right answer is anymore?).
This latest parody video holds a super powerful message and not just for our American friends and family who are busy preparing to celebrate Thanksgiving this week, but for everyone around the Globe who so urgently wants to be with their friends and other family members.
The good news however is that there is an end in sight, so for now lets all do our part to keep each other safe by continuing to socially distance and wear a mask.
Follow The Holderness Family on Facebook and Instagram; you won’t be disappointed and Happy Thanksgiving to all those who celebrate.
YouAreEnough 
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