Category: Anxiety

FOMO (Anxiety) VS. JOMO (Depression)

Today began as a particularly sad day. I awoke to the realization that it was the first time in a decade that we would not be making the 3 hour trek to camp to visit our kids on Visitor’s Day. We did just see our girls last weekend when they came home for a night off to help celebrate their brother’s 21st birthday surprise party, but I still couldn’t help but think of all the memories we have made together during our visits with them at camp (which was also once my home away from home), and there was no escaping my emotions when my newsfeed on Facebook has been flooded all weekend long with pictures of parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles alike making their own special memories.

This past week was exhausting, overwhelming and extremely busy to say the least which led to my immune system being compromised and ended with a visit to the doctor where he was able to prescribe medicine for my physical symptoms but was unable to help with my emotional ones, something that haunts me everyday because it’s just another sad reminder that there simply is no magic pill for me. And maybe part of my emotional pain this week was knowing that I wasn’t welcome at camp this summer because my kids are all staff now and even though I’ve had a year to prepare me for today I seemed to fall short. (see blog: Our Last Visitor’s Day; All Good Things Must Come To An End, July 23, 2018)

The funny thing is that over the past 5 years, Visitor’s Day has been very difficult for me to say the least and as much as I wanted to be there and see the happiness that radiates from their sun tanned faces, breathe in the country air and just be in the moment it’s something that is also beyond overwhelming and emotional for me too. You see, suffering with Depression and Anxiety comes into play in almost every role and almost every situation I face every day, it’s a catch 22 of sorts and there is no escaping such circumstances when you battle with FOMO (anxiety) and JOMO (depression) all at once.

FOMO for those who don’t know is an acronym for the “Fear of missing out”. It has certainly become a buzz word for many since our lives seem to revolve so much around the internet and social media nowadays. It’s a fear of being excluded, a fear that others are living a better, more fulfilling life without you, it’s a fear of making wrong choices and it’s a fear of regret. FOMO is extremely anxiety provoking and something that keeps me avoiding scrolling my Newsfeeds much these days. It is mentally draining some days. On the other hand I also suffer as I mentioned from JOMO (depression) or as the acronym states “Joy of Missing out”.

JOMO is the complete opposite of FOMO as it describes the pleasure of taking a break from others, activities and social media in order to disconnect and take care of yourself. It’s allowing yourself to be okay with taking a hiatus from the world around you and of course social media. Oftentimes it is a coping mechanism for someone like myself who suffers with depression, sometimes we have no choice but to remember that it’s okay.

So today I left my FOMO and my JOMO behind and Rich and I headed out for the afternoon, not for our usual #summerofrich hikes but for some quiet time together away from the city, breathing in some country air and just being in the moment. And we found the perfect place to do just that called Terre Bleu Lavender Farm! Hope you enjoy the pics.

Dear Evan Hansen

Dear Evan Hansen:

I just wanted to let you know just how much I have been looking forward to seeing you tonight but I’m not gonna lie to you either cuz I’m pretty overwhelmed right now in the anticipation of seeing you as well. You see, my level of anxiety has reached an all time high lately which has in turn made my level of depression feel like its reached an all time low. But keeping all this in mind I have also been waiting eagerly to see you for the last several months and during that time I’ve been able to set several small (and hopefully) attainable goals for this evening as I find myself having to do for most aspects of my day to day life. I knew that by setting several smaller goals for tonight as opposed to just one GIGANTIC one would help keep my momentum going and help build my confidence and my belief that I can and will make it through tonight no matter how many tears I shed. I also knew that by focusing my energy on several smaller goals would be a much more rewarding and much less distracting task for me.

Oh and just one more thing before I let you go as I know that you are very busy preparing for the show but I just wanted to also say thank you; thank you for being brave enough to tackle so many of the issues surrounding our youth and society in general today and for encouraging an open and honest dialogue on so many important mental health issues, many of which most others haven’t had the courage to do before. Bravo!

Now let’s get on with the show!

Sincerely Yours,

Kim

#goals #ilovemusicals #ilovethetheatre #anxiety #depression #bullying #suicide #youareenough #mentalhealth #itsoktonotbeok #youth #bravo #startaconversation #courage #yourmentalhealthmatters #youmatter #apowerfulmessage #findingyourway #breakaleg #dearevanhansen #thankyoutomylove #alongawaitedanniversarygift #summerofrich

A Hiking We Will Go

This past week has been SUPER busy and SUPER stressful for me and so today felt like the perfect day to go for a hike and recharge before the start of a new week ahead (and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky). We didn’t venture too far from home like we often do by visiting The Rouge Valley Conservation Park right beside the Toronto Zoo. We became one with nature, climbed many hills, skipped rocks, walked down several unmarked paths, got lost numerous times, jumped through rivers and even came face to face with a snake (ask me which one of us screamed louder!)

Hiking has become a way for me to try and escape from the craziness in my head during the summer months. It’s a way to help ease my day to day battle with depression and anxiety even if it’s just for a few hours at a time. Hiking also has so many powerful benefits for our bodies, minds and souls and not to mention it’s an amazing form of exercise with the added bonus of being an affordable way to disconnect from the stresses of our daily life. It can give you a whole new perspective, it’s a healthy challenge, can boost your self-confidence when you are one with mother nature and is especially beneficial when you are able to be present in the moment. As difficult as many of the trails have been that we have done in the past few years or how much pain we may feel the next day, the sense of accomplishment of completing our hike together and planning for our next adventure makes it all worthwhile.

I’m My Own Worst Enemy; Life As A Self-Saboteur

I’ve being trying really hard to be strong lately while hiding behind my mask, even looking at the glass half full instead of completely empty but then in the blink of an eye it all came to a crashing halt. My emotions are running very deep right now and I feel like trying to hide behind my mask has just made things worse for me. I am feeling completely powerless over everything in my life today and it’s been a real reality check per say.

By trying to put on an act lately I figured others would be more willing to accept me without judgment but in reality hiding behind my mask has just overwhelmed me more than ever. As many of you know I moved recently (see blog: Moving Sucks; July 2, 2019) and the move itself has been a positive one as the energy around us is a gazillion times better than in our previous home (that’s a whole other story for another time) but now I am left feeling that my change of address should have been a cure for my anxiety and depression.

I truly wish that it was that simple, that somehow a fresh coat of paint on a wall or moving in general would signify that I could leave my illness behind and the pressure I’m experiencing from it has caused me to feel even less than okay. We all face pressure and live with a certain degree of stress in our daily life but when you add depression and anxiety into the mix we tend to add a lot of unnecessary pressure and stress on ourselves much of the time, most of which we do without even realizing we are doing it.

I have become my own worst enemy and self-sabotaging is something I excel at. The most dangerous part about self-sabotaging behaviour is that as I just mentioned above, we often do it in our subconscious. Subconsciously you feel like you are never good enough or that you don’t deserve happiness or that you are unworthy of success. And the best way to feed into these emotions is by continuing to wear that mask in order so that no one else will figure out that maybe it’s true, maybe you aren’t good enough, maybe you don’t deserve happiness and maybe you are unworthy of success.

I don’t want to wear my mask because I know that somewhere deep down inside I have come too far in my mission to help end the stigma surrounding mental illness and I have also helped many others take off their masks as well. But sometimes it just feels like a necessity to wear my mask in order to protect myself from my own worst enemy, which of course is ME and when I’m faced with these situations I need to somehow learn to kill my self-sabotaging ways with kindness in order to become my own best friend instead.

Moving Sucks

It’s been well over a week since I have done any writing. I sometimes find that I put a lot of pressure on myself when I feel I should be writing which of course only leads to so many other dysfunctional impairments in my mind. But I have a good excuse this time even if my mind is more wrapped up in guilt as usual. You see, we moved last week and as many of you know from your own personal experiences, moving can be very stressful. In fact moving is actually listed as one of the top stressors someone will experience in their lifetime. It’s right up there next to divorce, the loss of your job and the loss of a loved one.

So I’m pretty sure that you can only imagine how it affected me. You all know that I suffer with a major depressive disorder and severe anxiety but what many of you may not realize is that the concoction of both these diagnoses combined has also led to a distressing OCD disorder over the last several years and the stress leading up to our move and the days that followed only highlighted it more.

OCD for those of you who may not know stands for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and most often includes obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours which can become so consuming that they severely affect your daily life. OCD is actually an anxiety disorder “characterized by uncontrollable, unwanted thoughts and ritualized, repetitive behaviours you feel compelled to perform.” And like any other anxiety disorder, you probably have a clear understanding that your obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours are not rational yet you are still unable to resist them.

Moving to a new home comes with several psychological and emotional stresses. It can symbolize new beginnings to many which of course would be my number one wish but for me instead it comes with fear, worry, doubt and anxiety first. My obsessive thoughts and impulses take up a great deal of my time and energy and my mind is constantly cluttered by my compulsions leading much of the time to panic and anger.

There was however an upside to our move and although it may feed right into my OCD, it also helps to release some anxiety at the same time. It may also produce a lot of chaos around me as well but at the same time it can help to release some anxiety too by having the ability to declutter and rid myself of all the toxicity from my previous residence (and there was plenty). I am also so grateful to have so many special people in my life who helped lessen some of the clutter and chaos in my mind this past week with every genuine jester and act of kindness both physically and emotionally 🙂

Are Bucket Lists Bad For Your Mental Health?

The other day I posted something on my Facebook and Instagram pages and attached a picture of a cute little dog with a caption that read “Is writing a book on your bucket list?” It seemed only fitting when I saw it as I had just found out that I was being awarded a grant from a non-profit organization for the publication and outreach of my children’s book which also meant that something I had only dreamt about for a long time was no longer just a wild dream but in reality one of the biggest accomplishments of my life.

The thing is though, writing a children’s book, or actually publishing one wasn’t even on my bucket list at all, and the reason being is that I’ve never given it much thought to having a bucket list. I mean I have always had goals and aspirations, or things that I have always hoped for or dreamt about experiencing in my lifetime just like everybody else but I have only ever made a mental note of them. In order for something to truly be considered part of a bucket list one must write them down, keep track of them, create timelines, make plans or goals and then scratch them off your list one by one throughout your lifetime.

When you really stop and think about where the meaning behind a bucket list originated from it can feel quite morbid as this list is a reflection of what you want to accomplish before you die or as the phrase implies; “kick the bucket”! This can often result in poor mental health when we become consumed with trying to check all these items off of our list suggesting that it’s the only way we can win at life.

So why can having a bucket list result in poor mental health? Well for starters, bucket lists focus on things that are often unattainable to most people and can in turn cause anxiety or depression. It’s very important to set goals and have aspirations, along with hopes and dreams but if it’s on your bucket list it may lose its meaning all together behind the actual experience, the reflection of the experience and the ability to live in the moment when all you really care about is making sure you check each item off your list as quickly as possible.

Social media today of course can also play a huge role in why a bucket list can become harmful to our well-being because somewhere along the way we have lost what is truly important and that bigger doesn’t necessarily mean better. When you see others scratching items off their bucket list it can make us second guess our own goals and aspirations as well as our hopes and dreams.

It’s my birthday on Sunday and over the last several years it has become one of the most difficult days of the year for me. Birthdays often make us reflect on the year that has just passed and of course on the year ahead but this year in particular I find myself reflecting even more than ever as I continue to battle for my survival. Like a bucket list, our lives are forever changing and growing and if you do have a bucket list I’m pretty sure it has changed and grown with age.

I do make lots of lists (probably daily and you should see how long the list is right now), but more of a to-do list in order for me to be able to function even just a bit but as little as those items on my to-do list may seem to others, they are my goals and aspirations and sometimes my hopes and dreams and when they aren’t able to get scratched off right away I feel like a complete failure. But at least I know that even if they are small items and meaningless to others, they are attainable ones and seeing as it’s unlikely that I will ever go skydiving one day (seeing as I’m terrified of heights and flying that is probably the worst example ever) or eat croissants in a cafe in Paris, for now, my survival depends on just checking off the little moments in my life instead.

Do you have a bucket list? If so what’s on your list? Is it alphabetized, prioritized, colour coded or theme based? Who have you shared it with? How often do you add to it or make changes?

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

Traditions

I may actually get my moment with Dr. Phil after all. Tonight our tradition continued. Every June for the last many years we have set aside an evening to go for dinner together at my favorite restaurant #thekeg for an early birthday celebration before the start of the camp season begins (this Friday). The kids (and Rich) couldn’t wait to give me my present as we won’t be together for my birthday and even though I may have embarrassed them as I opened my gift and the tears started flowing (surprise surprise) in the middle of our dinner, they knew they were tears of joy. This is probably the most meaningful gift I have ever received; front row seats to an inspiring and motivating evening with Dr. Phil in Niagara Falls. #iloveyoutothemoonandback #traditions #family #summerofrich

Yes I Can Feel Happiness; Watching History Unfold

Seeing the Raptors make history last night as they became NBA champions for the first time made me feel happy, seeing the entire Country unite over their win made me feel really happy and seeing people from all over the world celebrate their victory made me feel really really happy. Yes it is true, that even though I may suffer with a major depressive disorder on a daily basis, I am still able to experience moments of happiness.

First of all, and probably the most important thing I should note here because unfortunately many people still don’t understand it, but depression is not just a feeling; it’s an illness, an illness I did not choose, and the sadness I feel is a persistent, underlying emotion of my illness.

You have probably heard the saying before; “it’s the little things in life that make you happy” and I couldn’t agree more, even though I have a persistent, underlying emotion of sadness. There are so many things that make me happy in my life and on the top of that list, hands down, is making the ones I love most feel happy too.

But I am sad because my happiness often leaves me clouded and I am sad, not because I cannot see the beauty and kindness that surrounds me every day, but I am sad because my illness does not allow me to see that same beauty and kindness inside of me which leaves me unable to feel happiness within me either.

My happiness depends on the happiness of others. No matter how big or small my achievement may seem to others, my persistent, underlying sadness manages to overshadow it. I know that my self-perception may appear irrational to many but my inner voice tells me otherwise. It makes me believe that I am not worthy of my successes, or that my courage should not be celebrated and most of all it takes away my power to feel happiness within me.

So for now as I learn how to feel happiness within me once again, I will continue to bask in the beauty and kindness of other people’s happiness which will include celebrating the gift that the Raptors have given to Canada and seeing as I did jump on the bandwagon I’m pretty invested in their happiness now after all.

Let’s All Show Our Pride

The month of June is better known as “Pride Month” which celebrates the LGBTQ community by raising awareness of sexual diversity and gender variance. Pride month also helps increase self-affirmation, inclusivity, dignity and equal rights in the gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and transgender communities. And although we may have come a long way since its inception, the LGBTQ community still lives in very frightening times and many are too afraid to be who they want to be for fear of rejection, judgment, ridicule, violence, prejudices or discrimination.

Due to many of the challenges that the LGBTQ community face it is of little to no surprise that they are among the highest rate of any one community to suffer with Mental Health challenges, more so than the general population. Just imagine yourself as a young child, frightened because you feel “different” from the rest of your peer group or imagine you try to hide your “differences” for fear that you may be rejected, judged, or ridiculed by your peers and family, or imagine longing to be able to connect with other peers who are also “different” but you don’t know how to, or imagine still that those “differences” you have been trying to bury for so long become known within your peer group and suddenly you find yourself the victim of discrimination, prejudices or worse, violence.

These are just some examples of what individuals in the LGBTQ community may struggle with for part or all of their lives which can easily escalate into Depression, Anxiety and Trauma when they begin to lack self-worth and self-acceptance or begin feeling hopeless and alone. The long term effects of internalizing their negative self-talk can also create many additional struggles of both shame and guilt. They may feel shame and guilt for being “different” or for feeling the way they do, or for doing what they do, all of which can lead to further emotional and physical scars.

Many of you reading this right now may have once been that frightened young child, or maybe you are still struggling with the pain and anguish of being “different” in your adult years or maybe you were one of the lucky ones who found support from your friends, family and community right away. Either way it is especially important to recognize and celebrate the “Pride” movement and everything and everyone it stands up for as they take the mental health of their communities very seriously and bring people together in such a meaningful way.

Celebrating Pride month helps us imagine a world where being “different” is okay, where being “different” is acceptable and that we should all embrace our differences in one another because isn’t that what makes the world a much brighter and more colourful place to live just like the Pride flag so boldly represents.

The Call To Courage (Brene Brown)

I recently watched the Brene Brown special on Netflix called “The Call To Courage”. If you are unfamiliar with her work let me assure you that she is worth knowing. Brene has a PHD, an MSW and is a Research Professor at the University of Houston. She is also the author of MANY #1 New York Times bestselling books (many of which I have read) and has spent most of her career researching and studying Courage, Vulnerability, Shame and Empathy and she is now the first person to have a filmed talk available on Netflix.

“The Call To Courage” was both witty and exceptional and also proved from start to finish how important and necessary it is for us to choose “courage over comfort” by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. As I sat there listening to her speak I found myself captivated by her truth and honesty and began to see the parallels between what she was saying and my own life because I realized that I have been choosing “courage over comfort” by sharing my story with you.

I’ve been choosing to have conversations about the “uncomfortable” things; I’ve been choosing to communicate about my shame; I’ve been choosing to express my fears and I’ve been choosing to “show up to the arena” which according to Brene is the bravest thing any of us can do. Theodore Roosevelt first coined the phrase “showing up to the arena” during a speech he gave way back in 1910 but Brene has taken it to a whole new level and through to a whole new century by showing her audience how truly important it is to be vulnerable.

I just wanted to share with you a small snippet of his speech. In it he states; “It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood.”

I’ve also been choosing to share my story by owning my truth, by trying not to betray myself for worry that I will be judged or ridiculed by other people and by “having the courage to show up knowing that you can’t control the outcome” but at the same time also understanding that the only true pathway to getting there is by being marred by the dust, sweat and blood while exhibiting your vulnerability.

Just thinking about choosing to show up to the arena is petrifying and filled with so much uncertainty and risk. What if we fail? Or then again, what if we succeed? But as Brene points out, winning the race may not be about coming in first after all but instead it’s more about being brave enough to “just come off the block and get wet”. Something I need to try and do every day by continuing to choose “courage over comfort”.